Break up :,(

Title says it. Had a break up with my girlfriend of 3 months. Known her for about two years and were great friends before. This was the kind of relationship where 90%+ of the time we got along. I loved her a lot.

I'm not ganna get into details of how the break up happened, but I'll just say we were both upset and angry. It was very emotional.

Anyway...been talking to a mutual friend of ours who is pretty certain that my ex will come around and we'll be able to reconcile because the love was strong.

Me: I like to fix things right away to heal. Her: I'm learning she needs to take her time.

Basically all I see is for the majority I need to get better at listening and she needs to calm her temper (it is pretty short).

I want so badly for her to talk to me and come around. Pain is hurting. It's been 3 days and she didn't say a word to me. Although I've given my mom my phone. Reason is because I don't quite trust myself not to persistently text or call my ex. I highly doubt I got anything from her though I didn't look today (didn't ask my mom to see my phone).

My problem is I getting really into the strong possibility she will come around and we will reconcile. What am I going to do if she doesn't do so?

Sunday morning (night after it happened) I tried to kill myself. I have a pattern of dealing with rejection by getting suicidal/depressed and persistently texting or calling the rejector. But since I've seen my therapist once (seeing her again tomorrow so it'll be twice this week) and written a lot. I made a safety plan and I am trying to stick to it.

I'm trying to change my patterns. Unfortunately, during my wildly irrational texts of emotion to my ex, I said mean things and I also told her I was attempting. She thinks I meant to trigger her and take advantage by doing that, but I was actually really hurting. Again, this is a pattern of mine.

Anyway...I love this girl so much and I know she loves me. We got I a fight is all. Verbal. Some not so nice things said. I tried to stay calm, but yelled a couple times. She called me some names when she was super angry and later apologized. Yet somehow we still broke up. At which point I lost it and texted and called her like crazy the next day.

What am I going to do if she doesn't come back?

I keep talking to our mutual friend who has known her since childhood and she says she really thinks she will bounce back. That she just needs time so not to push her. That's why my mom has my phone so until I get a hold of my urges, I literally can't.

I don't want to not be forgiven and feel I ruined the relationship. Knowing her for so long, this is the girl I wanted to marry. And she wanted to be with me a long time too.
Similar values, sense of humor, interests, etc. So alike it wasn't funny. Damn it I love her.

Please tell me she is coming back. What will I do if she doesn't? :,(

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My dear, if she really loves you and is worthy of your love, she will admit that she was wrong, too, forgive you, and come back. I hope that she's the right person for you. If she is, she'll want to become a better person for love of you and in order to not hurt you anymore. Nothing like love to inspire growth.

If she's not the right one...it is better to find out now. The more time and effort you put in, the harder the loss gets.

I'm sorry you're suffering, and I really hope that things work out.

I'm kind of in a similar situation like yourself. My friend and I also had the same interests. Her and I are no longer talking and her going NC on me forced me to reevaluate things and to make myself better. I am still healing and wondering myself if she'll come back to me or not. I can only imagine how you are feeling. It is devastating to lose someone you care about a lot and are close to. I agree with what kamikazebaby said. I also want to pass along some advice that a wonderful person on here gave me. Just wait and see what happens. Allow yourself some time to heal and give each other some space. I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck and hope everything works out for you and your friend.

Still a waiting game but I pissed her off through a mutual friend and left one voicemail. Granted this is better than I've ever done with this sort of thing. I went a month and a half with a girl I knew for three weeks and I could have gotten arrested for harrasment. I texted and called an unimaginable amount of times per day.

With this one I've reached out a few times through a mutual friend and left one voicemail. She got nasty so I'm done reaching out. I've devoted myself to waiting a full two weeks from the last indirect contact (which was last night and was not nice).

She I guess is feeling very upset and angry.. I'm just hoping she comes around by that two week mark. I'm only willing to wait about two weeks to a month before I move on.

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I had the strongest urge earlier. I picked up my work phone and started writing a text and then I said "no" and reminded myself to respect her space and I didn't do it! I was seconds away and I'm so proud of myself.

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As you should be! I think it's important when we hurt ppl, even accidentally, to not only apologize, but to explain why you said or did them. At the very least it should bring respect back, and help open dialogue for working it out, becoming friends again, or even just closure. Keep double checking when you are about to do something that may make things worse, it's not easy but it's how you'll break from those behaviors even a bit. Certainly better than not working to control them. *hugs*
And fwiw, break ups are hard. They hurt everyone. Have compassion both for her and yourself.

I'm glad you were able to stop yourself from sending her a text. I can imagine how hard it is but you did really well.

Right. I apologized a lot I guess even when she wasn't ready to hear it. I'm a little angry too and hoping that she comes back eventually and apologizes. I just suppose it's something I can't make her do. So I have to respect her space and just believe that she is the forgiving person both me and our mutual friend think she is. It's so hard...especially physically. I've got a lump in my throat, headache, and chest pain constantly. My mutual friend and I have agreed to leave her alone completely for two weeks before either she or I tries to reach out again. After that, she may have to realize what she's lost. I'll keep you all updated though.

I'm proud of myself too. I have got my regular phone back now. I'd given it to my mom for safe keeping before I could control my urges. The week without it and some nasty responses through a mutual friend really helped me realize I need to respect her space. I guess it's helping her but hurting me. My mom and other friends say I might eventually just get fed up by the time she comes around. We'll see.

I am so sorry to hear that she still hasn't said anything and that you're in so much pain. Sometimes I think that human relationships are the most incomprehensible of all the world's mysteries.

I'm also proud of you for being able to give her some space and keep yourself from contacting her any further. I know how hard that can be.

I'm sorry about the pain you are going through. I had a recent break up too where I was going out the person for about four months (he broke up with me, feeling that I was getting too attached. He said I "deserve better," since he has been going through the process of a divorce and has anger/drinking issues).

I have found so far that a No Contact period works since you will both be able to clear your head, and your partner will be able to let go of some of the negative emotions. It'll be like a fresh new start, and you might find that your girlfriend misses you and contacts you out of the blue. It doesn't have to be anything formal like a "30 Day Rule," but maybe a week or two to cool off. My ex ended up contacting me after a week, frantically worried about whether I was mad at him. I was friendly and assured him I wasn't, then went back to a little more space. Then, a few days later, he was still worried about what I felt about him. We talked, and he said he wants to see me, although his life is crazy right now. Basically, that will give your girlfriend the chance to miss you and realize she doesn't want to lose you, even if that means taking it slow again.

I don't want to jump into anything serious, but I miss him and have been wanting to see him. It was clear that the little bit of space worked, since we were able to have time to see past the negative, and he reached out after he was proven that I can live without him. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder, plus it gives you some time to heal no matter what the outcome will be, since that's of utmost importance. Be patient with yourself. It will all be okay no matter what.

Still nothing. I reached out by a mutual friend again. She's still very nasty and disinterested in mending things. It is hard when you know someone well to believe it would be a permanent thing though.

I found out my phone is blocked too so she REALLY doesn't want to talk right now. I hope not forever.

I wrote a letter. The mutual friend is meant to send it in a few days (since I want to make sure she actually gets it and doesn't chuck it).

NSFW question: what should I do with the strap on I bought for us? I feel weird having it around, but it was expensive and I don't really want to get rid of it. Yet if this doesn't work out I'm not sure I would be okay with using it on another girl because it would be a trigger to me. Idk what to do with it. Help?

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Are you able to it back where you bought it? If things work out with your friend, you can always buy it again.

No, it was used by us once already. So I can't return it.

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Oh ok. Don't get rid of it and just keep it. Put it in a safe place where no one else can find it til the time is right to use it again.

Blah. Sorry to post so much everyone. I feel like I do more than others on my own thread.

I just woke up in the middle of the night incredibly depressed and anxious missing her. Super worried she won't come around. And ringing in my head like a nightmare a couple of the people who told me she won't. I just about had a panic attack. Sometimes I worry for my safety. I'm just not mentally stable right now at all.

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I'm sorry she's still not in the mood to talk. Just keep in mind - as much as you want to talk, she does not, so reaching out more is going to push her further away. I'm sure she'll approach you again if she wants to mend the relationship.

As for the strap-on, it depends. A future partner might not want you to use the same strap-on with her that you did for a past partner, even if all precautions are followed. I'm not sure I'm going to allow my girlfriend to do so...I may insist on one that she has never used with anyone else because I just don't want her to use anything with me that she has used with another girl. You know?

I'm getting scared she won't want to me mend it. It's been over two weeks now. Granted, I've been a little pushy in those two weeks. Yet she's still nasty and unwillingly to talk about it with the mutual friend even. I guess though the best thing is to tell the mutual friend to leave her alone too. The last thing I did was have that friend send the letter (digitally over Facebook), but I don't even know if my ex read it. It just had apologies and my desire to mend things. The friend saw it too and ensured her it was safe to read. We don't know why she's acting in this way.

And I get what you mean about that. I may just get rid of it. Or for now put it away/hide it until I decide that's really what I want to do.

Also...I suck because I took off work again today. It's mostly because of emotional pain and partially because of psychical. Although I'm thinking a lot of the emotional is causing the psychical. And sorry if tmi, but to make matters worse I have my time of the month. Ugh. I am like ruining my life/halting it because of a break up.

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Well, if it comes to her not wanting contact again, you can deal with that as it comes. Have some grace with yourself, as in, how would you talk to a friend in the same situation? You would tell them to be kind to themselves and to let her have space and take time to heal wouldn't you? I know I certainly would.
Just take each day as it comes, keep respecting her wish to be alone, and start working on making yourself happy again. Just little things, small victories to take pride in etc until you are back on your feet. You never know, that may be what she is waiting for anyhow. And once you're on your feet, if she still doesn't want to talk, it won't hurt as much and you can just keep moving forward *hugs*

Yeah. A lot of my friends said just focus on me and if it's meant to be she will come around. Some got mad and said she won't and that I'm fooling myself. Those friends did not help and caused me more pain and anxiety. Nobody has a crystal ball. The mutual friend and I just have a bit of a better guess because we know her, but we're getting worried because it's been over two weeks now. It's like she's not her anymore.

I need to pick up motivation to start doing things I enjoy again and apply to some new jobs. I'm not 100% keen on my current job. Ever since the break up I've been dragging myself through nearly every day and sometimes-like today- I can't even start them because I can't force myself to go to work or get out of bed for example.

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This is one of the worst things about relationships and loving people. Sometimes we have no clue what they're thinking or why/how/where things have gone so wrong. When all you can do is wait and hope, it's enough to drive you up the wall (or into sending a bunch of text messages, showing up on someone's doorstep, etc). It could be your ex has other things going on with her that are affecting her feelings and behavior. I would tell your friend to let your ex have her space for now.

No harm in putting it away and keeping it for a while, just in case.

My dear, I have called in while a sobbing, hysterical mess before. Try to be gentle and understanding with yourself. This is a very painful, very distressing time for you, and most of us would be hard-pressed to show up at work like nothing had happened, especially without taking any time off. Breakups and relationship issues are our kryptonite. I'm sorry that you're feeling physically ill on top of it all. Try to rest and do something distracting yet soothing. I find gaming helps me when my mind just won't stop screaming. Takes some of the pressure off, even if you don't ever really "forget".

Oh, and try to be cautious about making any major changes in your life while you're dealing with this situation. It may cause more stress or be something you regret after things have settled a bit.

Yeah I'm going to tell the friend to leave her be. All we know is she's stressed about family and going back to college soon. Still, nonetheless I feel completely erased and I not worthwhile to her in the least.

I like video games. But today I've just mostly been sleeping on and off so far. May play them soon.


I agree with this. I'm meant to be trying to make some sort of change soon, but I get that. I don't like my job so I wanted to find a new one. I also wanted to maybe move or get a new car. But these are all major life changes I was even thinking about before and during that relationship. Now I just don't know what to do.


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Feeling erased is a terrible feeling. Especially when it's the person closest to you. I know it doesn't probably feel like it or matter much because it's not her, but you are still worthwhile. Even if she chooses to walk away, you will still be worthwhile and someone will be lucky to find a girlfriend as caring and as willing to make the effort as you are.

Sleeping can be good, too. You're probably burning through a lot of energy with what you're going through right now, and sleep will help you bear the stress better.

Well, since you've thought about it when calmer and don't think it would put more stress on you, maybe going with just one thing/change could even help. I just didn't want to see you make big decisions in the heat of the moment without having thought them through, or experience additional pressure that might put you over the threshold of what you can tolerate. (I've certainly done that - not happy times!)

Today the mutual friend gave her some tough love. I know I said I'd stop having the mutual friend reach out, but we were so hopeful. Apparently she told her to "stop being so stupid and unforgiving" and that "Becoming (substituting my forum name in place of my real name for privacy) is trying to mend things and you aren't which is NOT like you at all!" At which point my ex apparently said she was going to re-evaluate her behavior, think, and reconsider mending the relationship in one way or another. I think we broke her wall down a bit and that the real her is slowly surfacing again. I'm a little more comfortable because I feel like she won't be gone forever now. Our mutual friend smacked some sense into her.

I have been sleeping A LOT. Even when I sleep through most of the night (waking up here and there), I was still able to sleep nearly all day yesterday and today (I took today off work too). So I must be really stressed/depressed and needing it. Just don't want to put my job at risk so I'm going in tomorrow and the rest of the week. I can have the weekend to rest more if I need to.

Right now I think I have to focus on finding a new job. I'm just not sure where I want it to be yet. Locally may be better though so I don't have to worry about moving right away either though. I'm not really sure right now. I'm a bit stuck in a sense.

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