I Don't Know How To Cope

I don't know how to cope with the fact that I lost him because of myself, in spite of trying my best.

He is gone forever, because of me, even though I was working my hardest to make it a healthy, normal relationship. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He understood, or at least tried to understand, when nobody else would. He authentically loved me when nobody could. He tried not to be scared of me when everyone else was terrified and called me crazy. I have never been so grateful for and preserving of anything, ever before, in my life - but it died anyway. It doesn't matter how hard I worked or how much faith I had in it, it died anyway.

He left, because he wanted to leave, because of me. Because he had become scared too - and tired. He couldn't deal with it either and it destroyed him. None of my hard work made any difference and there is nothing I can do. I've never felt so powerless and like a mistake of nature in all my life of making mistakes.

He was my best friend, he was my family to me, he was my future, he was my security, he was my home. He was the only place I have ever felt like I belonged and for a while, he felt the same but I destroyed all of it. Even though I was trying my very best not to destroy it because it is all so precious to me, it destroyed it anyway.

I sleep all day, except for when I'm eating or crying or trying to make sense of how it happened. I feel exhausted. I have no energy to wash or get dresses or look myself in the mirror - nevermind work or play games or try to make new friends. But I need to start making new friends soon because I'm alone now and I'm starting to get lonely. But I'm too tired and others aren't like him; they can't replace him. He's gone and there's nothing I can do to change that. I'm so tired and everything hurts. My chest constantly, physically hurts and I am permanently nauseous. If I meet someone new they'll just leave too, or I'll resent them for not being him. I'm exhausted.

What couldn't he deal with? What behavior of yours scared him?

I don't know what your relationship involved with this man, but I beg you don't beat yourself up or put yourself down. I have had many instances when I thought I met that lady whom I thought was "the one", but always seemed to never work out. I too long for a special love, but it continually eludes me. I remember praying for a special love in my life and always seemed God wasn't listening. However a special love was granted to me by God. I have found a bond of love that can never be broken with my priest. He has become my DAD and I have forgotten how powerful this love is.
Then again after getting this love, I prayed again, but for a love of a special lady. Lo and behold God brought another love in my life, but it wasn't a romantic love. I found a new love I never had before in Ivy and Dakota. A homeless couple whom sneaked into my heart. Although these two are in jail right now, I realize they are my God-Children. I have a son and daughter and I've never been married!
Truly I do want a romantic love of a woman, but realize that I am lucky to have a son's love for his father and a father's love for his children. Yes, all three know I suffer from B.P.D. and P.T.S.D., yet they love me more. They have accepted me. That's love. I can't forget my cat Jinxy.
Just try to ride out through this difficult time and realize there are people out there who will love you for YOU. You were put in this world for a reason. You have a gift to make this world a brighter place. Peace be with you!

Right now your fear of abandonment is going into overdrive. Understandable. The person you loved most left you. Don't let it consume you though. Realize - you are in control of you and always have been. He left you - that was his choice, his control of his life. Now its your time to make your choice for your life. Where will you go from here? What do you want to do? What kind of goals do you have for yourself or what kind of goals can you make for yourself? What steps can you take to make those goals work?

Now - it sounds like you did as most of us do in a relationship - and attached yourself to him. Made him "everything". He was your friend. Your family. Your lover. Your authoritarian at times (though you likely never saw it that way). He was everything all in one. It sounds awesome n is really attractive at first - but also becomes tiring to the other person. Can you imagine trying to fill that many roles in one person's life?

Next time you get in a relationship - try to only give them one role - that of your partner. You will want another relationship the very next time someone looks your way, but I respectfully implore you to wait - and focus on yourself. Learn to be self reliant and self empowered. Learn you are on control of you and that you don't need to impress anyone to gain respect or love - but rather just be yourself, bc we all deserve those things. That is what self respect and self love are about. Once you have those things - then get in another relationship if you want - but don't give up yourself or apologize for being yourself to do it. If you do that - then you should be able to keep defined boundaries and thus a healthy relationship.

I wish you well. ❤

This.......This is like something i could have written myself. I´m in the exact same situation. I wish i had advice to give you. It´s been a year since he left me so i´m not sad anymore, i´ve accepted it for the most part. I just want you to know that there´s someone out there that´s felt the same thing you´re going through right now.

It's my fault. We got into arguments often. Usually because of me. At first, we argued because I felt he didn't prioritize me as important in his life, and didn't spend sufficient time with me. But then I realized that it wasn't because he wasn't spending enough time with me - normal people don't spend a lot of time together even if they love each other - it was because I felt constantly empty and lonely, not because of him. He felt it was his responsibility to help me - I thought he could (I only learnt much later that it's not his responsibility and that there was nothing he could do). When I realized it wasn't the amount of time we spent together I stopped asking him for as much time as I did. Towards the end, I stopped asking for time all together and started to just take whatever he gave me - except if it had really been a week since we last did something and I really wanted to do something with him. But by the time I started to change my understanding and behaviour he already felt like he was a disappointment to me and like every interaction with me would lead to conflict. He was already scared of me even after I asked him so many times not to be. He was never a disappointment to me and I never meant to hurt him, why the **** would I knowing ****ing well that it would lead to him leaving?

I accused him of cheating two times, and I still don't know if he did or did not. There's no possible way of knowing whether a person is cheating on you or not. But I should have just left it in case he wasn't. It would have been less conflict and he would have felt less attacked. But given how avoidant he had already become I thought he was at high risk of cheating.

Around the middle of our relationship I went to a mental clinic because my episodes were getting worse, they couldn't treat me for my BPD there but they had seminars on conflict- and anger management, building healthy relationships, compromise and being assertive (as opposed to being passive, passive-aggressive or aggressive). All of which I then started trying to apply to our relationship.

He has general and social anxiety, so because of the constant conflict, he started associating me with conflict and avoiding me, even when I was trying to remain as neutral but still assertive as possible. Him avoiding me and being scared of me made me sad and angry (frustrated) so in turn, it may have caused more conflict - or at the very least high tension. I didn't bring cheating up anymore and I didn't bring spending time with me up anymore except when I asked him "could we hang out?" or "would you like to hang out?". The answer became "No, I want to be alone" more and more often, but the truth was not that he wanted to be alone it was that he didn't want to be with me (because he was scared of a fight occurring). But whenever I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and loved me, he would say "yes" - even though I HEAVILY STRESSED bluntness and honesty since day one of the relationship. And I asked him these questions regularly so he had plenty of opportunities to tell the truth - and even now I feel so angry about it because if he just grew a ****ing pair and said early on "No I don't love you" and "No, I don't want this". Then ALL of this **** and all the worthless effort I put in and the useless attachment I grew to him could have been ****ing spared! He's the one who asked me to commit, if I just kept my distance and didn't commit this would NEVER have happened!

Towards the end of the relationship, I avoided confronting him about everything for fear that it would tip him over the edge, except that it seemed like he stopped respecting me (which is understandable given all the arguments) and I was not going to just let him do that. We would make an appointment to hangout or we would be in a serious conversation and he would just flake on me, usually, without saying anything - he would just vanish. Or we would have made an appointment to hangout DAYS prior to it actually happening and he would just book something else over it - even though I especially set time aside for it and was looking forward to it all week (that's what I mean by he wasn't respecting me or my time). And I tried to be calm about this and confront him in an assertive but non-aggressive way but he just kept doing it (probably out of fear) and it really made me angry because I made an effort to be nice and calm about this and he just ignores my request over and over. I know it was because he was scared but at the very least, he could have said "I'm not coping well right now so I'm not going to show up." or "I'm not coping well right now so I'm not going to continue this conversation". And sometimes he did, but most times he just vanished. And he was always coping well enough to go make appointments with other people over the appointments he had made with me. He was always coping well enough to do literally ANYTHING else but spend time with me. And I KNOW that's because he was scared of me but I was trying to make it better and I CAN'T DO THAT ALONE! He has to try to and should have been honest if he didn't want to try!

So, if he was so horrible why did I want to be with him? Because he wasn't horrible, he was awesome - before he got scared and even a little while during he was the best friend I ever had - I made him horrible because I made him scared of me and I can't fix it. Nothing I tried, nothing I did fixed it. It was doomed the second he became scared of me - and there's nothing I could have done or can do now to fix it. And I can't deal with that because he was my best friend and I loved him so much. I'm sorry fixes ****ing nothing. But I'm so sorry and if there any way to fix it I would do it. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He was so kind to me and I ruined it. I want to go back.

That's not true. If BPD people make the world a brighter place why do people hate us and run away from us? If we were meant to be this way, why are we classified as abnormal? I've ruined two people now. I've scarred two people for life and I was just being myself. I don't even have the normal addictions and substance abuse that usually comes with this disorder and I still manage to **** everything up anyway. The first time I didn't know I had BPD yet, but ignorance is NOT innocence. And this time I knew I had it and worked at it, but STILL destroyed a person. And this person was most precious to me. He was the first person in my life I related to and felt I belonged with I've never had anything near to that before, not even with my parents. I can't keep doing this and I be alone either. I have two dreams in life: 1. To achieve my career goal by finishing and publishing my magnum opus and 2. To find I life-partner who is monogamous and wants to share life with me exploring the world and going on adventures. At this point both are laughable. I'm so angry and tired!

"Where will you go from here?" - I was supposed to join a 10-week DBT program in the city and then return to varsity. I'll still do that because plans have already been made and I'm getting old to waste more time trying to figure life out.

"What do you want to do?" - I want to go back in time and approach things differently with the knowledge I have now. But, obviously, I can't - beyond that; at this moment in time; I don't want anything.

"What kind of goals do you have for yourself or what kind of goals can you make for yourself?" - Find motivation. Try my best in the DBT program. Try not to fall-apart again next year while living alone in the city again. Find a job and actually keep it. Do well at varsity. Make authentic friends that form a support system.

"What steps can you take to make those goals work?" - Sleep and be depressed now, in the hopes that it will be sufficient mourning to move on to a functional state soon. Try to be positive when interacting with people and try to think positive about the future. Make authentic friends. Find motivation so I can work on my skills, so I can be good at whatever I do.

"Now - it sounds like you did as most of us do in a relationship - and attached yourself to him. Made him "everything". He was your friend. Your family. Your lover. Your authoritarian at times (though you likely never saw it that way). He was everything all in one. It sounds awesome n is really attractive at first - but also becomes tiring to the other person. Can you imagine trying to fill those many roles in one person's life?" - My previous psychologist told me that, so, I told him that none of these roles are his responsibility. He just naturally filled them, just by being himself, which should be fine, right? I told him that he doesn't have any responsibility to me other than respecting me (I started telling him this mid-way through the relationship, when I learnt it). He wasn't responsible for making me happy because it is not possible for one person to make another happy (I told him that), he was not responsible for "saving" me because it is also impossible and creates a victim mindset (I told him that). I told him, he was responsible for supporting me when I had a hard time, which I explained to him didn't mean making it better or saving me but rather just being there and listening, offering empathy where it is possible. I also told him, he was also responsible for respecting my time which meant making the appointments we set and letting me know, enough time in advance, if he cannot make them, and not just shirking them when he felt like it. And obviously, it was his responsibility to be generally respectful towards me: which I told him was to be straight honest to me concerning everything (no lies, no secrets). Those three things were what I felt and told him he was responsible for in our inter-personal relationship.

It is very encouraging to know that the depression will pass in about a year.

I would say that a week without doing something is definitely a lot of time to not see each other. I don't know how long you two were together or how serious of a relationship it was. I see my SO everyday, but we live together. So if you hadn't moved in together yes I understand not seeing each other /every/ day but a week going by? I think that's a lot of time.

From the sound of it, the issues in the relationship, and the relationship ending, were not only your fault, it was his, too.

There was a part of you that was making the *choice* to ask him those questions. It sounds like you were seeking reassurance; there was a part of you that was in control, even if it was very hard for you to notice that when swept up in an intense emotion. I believe it is important for people with BPD to accept personal responsibility. When we say, "I didn't do it on purpose" or "it was like I couldn't help it" etc., we are giving more power to the emotions that seem to drive us to behave a certain way. The fact is that we do have a choice. Of course you didn't want to hurt him. Of course you didn't want him to leave. But a part of you, perhaps the part that fears abandonment, and believes people will leave you, the part that is so insecure and maybe has trouble with feeling secure and trusting in a relationship, created a self fulfilling prophecy where you subconsciously tried to destruct the relationship despite your love for him and deep want to maintain the relationship.

It sounds like he got tired and did not want the relationship anymore.

It is possible that he loves you but that love was not enough for him in this case. Sometimes this happens. It is possible that he was avoiding fights and felt like he was walking on eggshells to avoid one from erupting.

Are you currently seeing a therapist or are you able to go see one? This is a very difficult thing to go through but with time it will hurt less. It is important that you grieve the relationship and try to move forward, as hard as that is right now.

I'm starting my first DBT treatment next week - which is partly also why I'm cross because if he just waited and worked at this relationship with me a little longer it could have worked out.

But, yes - I am going to see a therapist hopefully soon. I have no idea how the program works, so I will see.

Try looking at it this way - anything you do to improve upon yourself now, also improves upon the ability of you to have a healthy relationship which gives you better odds at having a happy relationship.

I understand that, but I really liked this person. It's not just about the fact that a person left me, it's about him specifically leaving me. He didn't abuse or use me in any way, and initially, he genuinely made an effort to make things work and he authentically liked me for me. We got along like two halves of one person - even when things were bad the good times were very good, not just sort of good. I don't want to lose this specific person.

Sometimes - life lessons are harsh. In order to learn them we hurt, and we hurt bad. That doesn't mean someone won't come along later who is just as good for n to you or perhaps better though. I know that's hard to believe now, but it's how this life we live in works. Your choices are simple: roll with it n heal, refuse to accept it n close your heart off to everyone, or refuse to accept it n pursue him anyway - risking any number of consequences ranging from causing him to truly hate you n thus never even want a friendship with you to being dubbed a stalker n possibly having charges drawn against you. I know I sound hatsh, I am not trying to be. I am however, trying to be real with you. There are some things those of us with BPD just do not like to face and if given any hope - will hang on forever. Breaking up is one of them.

Remember n treasure the good times you had. Learn from mistakes you made. Figure out ways to not make them moving forward in future relationships. Give yourself a chance to heal. Realize, just bc you made mistakes, does not make you a bad person. It makes you human. Forgive yourself. Learn to love yourself. Look for the things in you that he once saw and that you also admire - grow those. Look for the things you dislike - get rid of those. Be good to yourself. You deserve it. You are a good person.

Once you have done n can believe those things - you are ready to move forward in life. You are ready to be happy. To find someone new. Go for it. ❤

I just wanted to say I am coping better with his leaving, I'm very lonely and sad but not because he left. Just in general.

That is good to hear. We're here for you if you need to talk.

Things are going less well again, at night I dream I have family and friends, and we go on adventures together and do amazing fun stuff. Then, when I wake up it's just me again.

I wish I could stay awake without getting tired, or just go to sleep and never wake up again.

I wish I had family, real family, that I could come home to and go out adventuring and experiencing the world with. I'm so lonely.

And I try to meet new people but I can't relate to the vast majority of them which just makes me more lonely.

In my lifetime I've only come accross two people I can relate to and they both ended up leaving because of me. I am so lonely and so tired.

I'm getting older, it's getting harder to find people because most people my age or older already have their own people. And what if I luckily happen to find someone I relate to again? Then what? What do I do to make them not leave? If I keep myself distant they will leave, if I get close they will leave. How do I build a family if nobody stays?

I'm so lonely.

Things are going less well again, at night I dream I have family and friends, and we go on adventures together and do amazing fun stuff. Then, when I wake up it's just me again.

I wish I could stay awake without getting tired, or just go to sleep and never wake up again.

I wish I had family, real family, that I could come home to and go out adventuring and experiencing the world with. I'm so lonely.

And I try to meet new people but I can't relate to the vast majority of them which just makes me feel more lonely.

In my lifetime I've only come accross two people I can relate to and they both ended up leaving because of me. I am so lonely and so tired.

I'm getting older, it's getting harder to find people because most people my age or older already have their own people.

And what happens if I luckily happen to find someone I relate to again? Then what? What do I do to make them not leave? If I keep myself distant they will leave, if I get close they will leave. How do I build a family if nobody stays?

I'm so lonely.

I'm not coping well. I miss him. I want to go back in time and fix all my mistakes. He was my best friend. I'm not okay.

Question: Are you proud of the person you are today? (Do not turn this question into an insult it is meant exactly as it is written.)

I am not. I was when I was a teen, I was very proud but then **** happened and it died; then more **** happened, and **** just kept happening until it was gone. I am not proud of who I have become as a result of all the ****. I could have handled it better, or even prevented it if I knew better. I'm trying to get some of my pride and confidence back this year. I want to do well at and finish my degree this year, do a bunch of online courses to gain skills and learn self-defensive - that's the plan anyway.

I finished my DBT course last week. It was very disappointing for me because the skills only work for anger, not for despair and loneliness. And the more I pointed this out to the psychologist team, and asked for alternatives that actually work, the more they just ignored me. And I applied my skills when asking, I stayed calm and polite and patient.

I left there feeling unaided, disrespected and invalidated. But *bleep* them, and their psychologist attitude - at least now I've learnt I can't trust or depend on psychologists - I'll do this by myself. I'll prove them all wrong.

That's exactly how I feel. Though in reality most people will just get out of our way rather than hate us, I can walk down a street and suddenly think, or even say out loud, "everybody hates me!" Some of my behaviour sometimes drives people mad, and that's all it takes to damage my social relations. The same disorder that drives my sh*tty behaviour then make me believe I'm all bad, which in turn makes me angry and a crappier person.

You could for instance be proud of gaining insight into your psychological condition decades earlier than I did. Of living through all the difficulties you faced, including the side effects of your BPD. I think you're falling into the all or nothing, black and white trap once again. This probably applies to your psychologists, whom you're painting in black, as well as your lost love, which is still all white.

Your DBT psychologists may have focused on anger management, but in my understanding the mindfulness practice and "emotional literacy" part does in fact address despair and loneliness. When I read up on DBT, the mindfulness instructions seemed virtually identical to what is being taught in Buddhist meditation courses. One fundamental Buddhist teaching is the interaction of desire, aversion, and delusion as the root cause of suffering. Your (and my, I'm in no better place) loneliness is just a facet of desire for love and affection, your despair an aspect of aversion, of not being able to get rid of loneliness and feelings of emptiness.

Even though they didn't free me of my personality issues, meditation lessons helped me. One place you could try, IMHO somewhat sectarian, but very good quality teaching, is dhamma.org. They offer 10 day entry level courses in your country (and almost kicked me out because of my crappy personality ). For a more regular and social practice, shop around for a local temple, could be in Theravadin, Zen or Tibetan traditions.

Tibetan schools like visualising the teaching. Basically a life of suffering is spinning around the senseless chase of delusion (the pig), greed (the bird or rooster), and hatred (the snake).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_poisons

I appreciate your effort, but I think you are making assumptions and maybe through them misunderstanding certain elements of the situation: I don't see the psychologists as only negative - I am however frustrated, disappointed and angry with them because I had a great deal of hope in this program to help me in a tangible way. It's not like the complexity of the situation is lost on me, I just had every hope that this **** would actually help. As for my feelings towards my ex, they have changed a lot in the time I was in hospital. I won't get into that.

The program I was in did not focus on anger management alone, it focused on emotional regulation and interpersonal relationships - the skills they taught us however ONLY helped me in terms of my anger management and not with the issues/emotions I really struggle with.

I spoke to them about this and they told me about how suppression can manifest as sadness and loneliness, but they never went into how to release whatever as been suppressed or how to stop suppressing if that is the default behavior. When I asked them about this their reply was "it's difficult" - which doesn't answer my question or help me.

I am extremely frustrated with psychology at the moment, I feel that if it's a real science it should be able to be applied to a problem to solve it. I just want the bad things to go away: There is a simple problem, they claim to have a solution - so why doesn't it actually solve anything?

I feel like they studied for 5 - 7 years so they should be experts on the subject and should be able to help me in a way that is measurable.

What frustrates me most is that these AMAZING new skills are the type of ******** you can Google. If you just Google "What to do when I'm sad?" or angry or whatever DBT activities come up (they just don't call it DBT). I've OBVIOUSLY tried these activities way before I even considered seeing a professional, so for the professionals to give me a Google answer is infuriating. In the intense emotional moments the skills are absolutely useless and everything goes back to how it was. I am fed-up with this pseudo science ********.

I've lost what little respect I had for the schools of psychology. I'll deal with the problem myself through trail and error and listening to how others who actually have the problem deal with it in ways that produce REAL results. If nothing helps so be it and society can go **** itself.

On the bright side I did learn that I am most likely suppressing my emotions, which may or may not be a problem depending on the EQ and the average personality of the community I find myself in. I figured if I surround myself with INTJs who are emotionally mature I can learn to cope from them as they are masters of suppression and it hardly seems to affect their success.