it

I have deep shame that I have not been able to rise above my childhood stuff. It has beaten me defeated me and has been gaining ground on me, I feel like a useless defective part that should be replaced. I've not really let this to a therapist as yet i suppose because it makes me look weak and helpless but thats the direction I'm going anyway so i guess it doesnt matter. I guess I'd like to ask am I alone on this or does anyone else feels this way

((rainwind)), you are not alone with this deep inner challenge, it is actually one very common challenge expressed by many of the struggling members here. Many are told in many ways when they are children to "keep quiet" and "don't bother me". This becomes deeply engrained, so much so that finally talking about childhood challenges typically leads to feelings of "I am doing something wrong by telling and will be judged poorly for it".

That is a cognitive distortion that is very common, it is a lie even though it feels like it is true, it's just feelings that stem from one's childhood messages put upon them by their "dysfunctional parents and family members".

(((Gentle Caring Hugs)))
OE

I think I can relate to what you say about appearing helpless and weak. I hate that aspect of it too. I know this too is a distortion but I still don't open up to people close to me about what happened because I don't want them to see me in a different light.

This is where your therapist comes in! You don't have to tell everyone…but you won't be judged harshly by your therapist. It might really help to tell your therapist.

Ok I have an appt soon I will this time

((rainwind)), the feeling of weakness and helplessness is what takes place with PTSD and many people experience a deep inner shame with that challenge.

What can help is asking a therapist about the topic of challenge itself instead of just saying I was abused sexually, for example, just using that as an example. If you can talk about it as though you happened to come across someone struggling with that experience and wondered how common it is for example. That way you can listen to your therapist talk about it in an overall way which is going to give you an idea of how knowledgeable they are and their view of that challenge. Then, if you feel safe with what the therapists says, you can add in a "me too, that is how I felt" and then the therapist will know that was something you were challenged with. Now that may or may not be in your history, I was just using that as an example.

It isn't aways the details that matter either, what it really boils down to is having your boundaries disrespected. That is what is at the root of many complex PTSD patient's, them experiencing others disrespecting their boundaries and because they were so young, they did not know what to do about it.

I have no memory of being sexually molested . I have always been afraid of intimacy and sex . If it were not for the sexually aggressive women in the world I probably would have been a virgin forever. My weakness is emotional and a little physical abuse

I hope the last post didn't sound disrespectful to women thats not how I meant it, theres just a lot of women that are like a lot of men just on the other side of the coin . About a year ago my oldest sister told when I was very young like 1 or 2 so she would have been 6 or 7 mom would beat me then she would stop her and she would her too. I do have a problem with the word beat and a child that young,, how could someone beat a child that young without doing severe physical damage so I think to a 5 year old it must have looked worse than it was. I had no older brothers and my father just didn't seem to care , as I look back I remember my oldest sister was always my protector when i was growing up when she was there. When I write something on here , I'm not crying or upset but tears go down my face so i guess I need to do this

(((rainwind))), oh hun, I am sorry that happened, no child should be treated that way, not you or your older sister. I can understand why you have tears about that and they just come out, that is ok that you tear like that, don't be ashamed, just let it happen.

Emotional abuse with children is very hard on them and does present life time challenges. It will help you a lot to talk about this with a therapist so you can finally grieve it and heal. It doesn't matter whether a "hurt" person is male or female, hurt is hurt and the person struggling deserves to have someone finally sit with him/her to talk about it and get the much deserved comfort and caring that has long been needed.

Pay attention to your "self talk" too, because these are messages you picked up from your childhood that need to be corrected by the now adult you. When you struggle and get angry with "self", pay attention and choose to correct the self talk that is negative and feels shame or any unworthiness. If you have challenging emotions, it's ok to stop and sit with those feelings instead of trying to run away from them. Self nurturing is part of the healing that needs to happen, whenever an inner child struggles emotionally, a good nurturer will sit with that child while the child feels and talks, so that's what you need to do for yourself in your healing, lots of patience and self soothing and self care.

Always remember "shame" is an emotion that is experienced because a person was taught to feel shame for having "normal childhood emotions". This is something that takes place when a child has a parent that struggles themselves when they are called to nurture, it is the fault of the parent, NOT the child, it is a lack in the parent, not the child. A parent who is emotionally abusive to their child is projecting their own problems or personal inadequacies onto their child. This is another reason it is important to pay attention to your negative self talk because that is a dialogue you will need to slowly change and it does take time to do that, however, as you keep doing that for yourself you will slowly make gains. Healing does take time, it is up and down and experiencing emotional lows when a hurt person is triggered in a way that is a reminder of any hurt.

With that said ((rainwind)), it is important to understand that being able to "just" ignore or not feel is not what you are really needing or "should be doing" either. When a child is nurtured correctly, they are allowed to feel and be comforted until they gain a release and actually do feel better. A parent is supposed to actually "sit with the child" when they struggle emotionally and comfort that child with "kind and caring words", and also rub that child's back to again "comfort" and that process provides oxytocin that is our natural human way of bringing a balance and sense of safety and permission to keep thriving. When a parent does not provide that kind of "human nurturing" to a child, yes, the child will struggle and it is now important that "you" understand that what you are doing in your healing process is a necessary and you "do" deserve to slowly repair what that child did need in you. Always remember PATIENCE, lots of PATIENCE and self care and never feed into any thoughts of shame, unworthiness, undeserving or anger towards self.

(((Gentle Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

I remember there were times when mom would sit down and just start sobbing for no reason I would go sit by her and wait for her to speak. It was usually about she hated my father or she hated this person or that person but sometimes it was me . then she would tell me how wonderful her life would be and it would make her so happy if i would die and i should not be so selfish and stop hurting her by being alive. I know now like I knew then that she was off in the head and I didnt listen to that **** but yeah it still hurt. I remember times when she would walk through the house cussing beating herself in the forehead with her left hand and cutting at the air in front of her with a kitchen knife. I remember one time she had just fixed me a plate of food then got a kitchen knife held it to my chest and started ranting that she was going to kill me because i was a good for nothing little son of a ***** then walked away came back to the table a minute later put her arm around me and told me she loved me so much . I'm glad this is anonymous. Sorry about posting so much here I just need to get some of this out and try to make sense of whats been going on in my head for so long. I hope there is someone here who had similar experiences

I've been reading other posts and it seems that what's important is how this affects you're life today so I'm done. Time to leave the past in the past and concentrate on now

(((rainwind))),

Firstly, don't be sorry about posting what you posted. The one constant that is expressed "after" someone shares a deep challenge is the need to say "I am sorry". I struggle that way myself and what I have come to recognize is that often what tended to happen to me in my past was being told in so many ways "not to feel or express challenging emotions".

I am so sorry that your mother behaved that way towards you, it was such an awful thing for any child to experience or understand and even have to figure out how to deal with emotionally. What many do not understand about PTSD is how these memories are re-experienced pyschologically, emotionally, and physiologically as well. "Sorry" has such a depth to it and is a self talk that takes a lot of effort to "slowly" dismantle, especially when the verbal abuse goes all the way back to very early childhood.

It is going to take "time" for you to mourn this history and you do have the right to finally do that with the right kind of presence that can sit "with" you as a witness and give you complete permission to finally express the deeply troubled emotions that you have with this history.

When I was working on this challenge myself, often in therapy I had racing thoughts and as I was talking about how I had been hurt, I would find myself loaded with different scenarios where this hurt was consistently taking place. It is this very challenge that is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar, which is not the case, and is instead something that a true trauma therapy specialist will see take place with their patients who present at a point of desperation, so much so that they struggle to function and find themselves easily overwhelmed.

However, this begins to be relieved as a patient is slowly given permission to talk through their deep challenge and begins to experience a sense of relief. So much so that often the patient is exhausted and actually wants to be someplace quiet where they can rest. I know for myself, I was always exhausted after therapy, even the next day and a few days if I covered some deep levels of painful experiences.

At one session I was talking to my therapist again with these racing thoughts and he gently stopped me and directed me to take a time out and just "sit" with the emotional challenge. So I did stop and sat and I cried. In that session it made me realize that I had been running away from the emotions, seemingly needing to quickly cover a lot of ground before being told "not to feel" that I had been consistently told countless times in my life. My husband had been especially famous for saying "stop" and even putting his hands out signaling me to stop when I needed to express my emotions. Or, if I talked to my older sister, as soon as I needed to express challenged emotions, she too would find a way to stop the conversation, yet, she would talk for a lengthy time if she needed to be emotional and I allowed her that and comforted "her".

So, in that session I was just given permission to actually "sit and feel" and it really was like having a true "adult" to talk to. The truth about "me" is that from a very early age, I was put into playing an adult position because there were many times where the "adult presence" was not present.

So, while I did not have the same exact scenario you had ((rainwind)), what we do share are times when the much needed adult presence was not there for us. And, there were times where our emotional challenges were "dismissed" or we had to learn how to hide them and try to find a way to deal with them alone, which children don't really know "how" to do. This is where that "sorry" begins for "many", because somehow they were made to feel that their emotional challenges were an "imposition" and that they should be ashamed if they do struggle emotionally.

A person may not develop PTSD or what is called "complex PTSD", however that person may be challenged with "depression and tend to turn anger inward" or struggle with anxiety or what is called GERD too.

Your mother was a person who struggled with MI, she did not really have the capacity to deal with a child that needed "nurturing" and her saying to you that things would be better if you were not a part of her life was because she was not capable of giving of herself to "anyone" and often not even herself. A child really doesn't have the capacity to understand this, yet they do learn to try to conceal their emotions and even feel "shame" for having challenging emotions.

What you need to finally be "allowed" to do is finally "grieve" this history and all the pent up emotions that you did not have someone there "for" YOU, to allow you to feel, validate these feelings, and comfort you. As you slowly work on finally grieving this history, you will slowly "heal", and it does take "time" to accomplish that process.

You "are" and always have been a "human being" ((rainwind)), and human beings are designed to have "emotions", it is wrong to tell another human being to be ashamed of something they are designed to have. That is why paying attention to "self talk" is very important too, as you should not be denying self either.

((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

We cannot change our past, this is true, however, when a person's past does affect them in the now, that means it is time to finally address the past and be allowed to mourn it properly so we can process all the things we never were allowed to, or knew how to in our past. It helps us understand what affects us in the now that comes from our past, and as we sort through whatever does challenge us, we can finally grow from it instead of continuing to push it away or be ashamed or feel guilt somehow about whatever is in our past.

Thank you for you're patience I have been gathering my thoughts for a few years now about these kinds of things and I am on the right path

it's okay. i feel this way too.

you have gone through horrible trauma. never did you deserve ANY of that.

(trigger) For most of my life I remembered a clothes iron burning my chest but thought it was me burning myself though I couldn't understand why I would have done that then I remembered it was mom mad at a male and taking it out on me when I was a kid but she did make sure I had food and clean clothes and if I had any problems of a business type nature she was in like a demon against anyone who I had a problem with, I remember once when I was in I think the tenth grade I got an f in an english class which I couldnt understand because i got nothing under an 85% on any classwork or tests so somehow my mom got the teachers files subpoenad and she had nothing under an 85 on me so the board of education passed me. there was another time i was irresponsible an wound up with like 300 dollars of overdraft charges to a bank so mom went with me to see the bank manager she never spoke during the meeting but the bank manager looked down at the table the whole time except to glance at my mother at times at the end he apologized to me and waived all the charges and that only happened because mom was there to give him the evil eye , and there were other good things i'm sure just cant remember. When mt mother died I cried intensley , but when my father died I never shed a tearand that still bothers me , my dad use to slap me to the floor at times and I usually didnt know why he didnt speak to me much at all but I did know I better do what he said , but yknow things were different back in the day too violence was accepted as normal like spare the rod and spoil the child. sorrry I hope I'm not rambling too much

It sounds like your mother had the ability to defend "her" possessions, you being one of them. You probably appreciated those times where you did have someone defend you.
We all can appreciate it immensely when someone defends us. However, that was not enough because while she did do that she failed you when it came to "emotional nurturing".

Your father on the other hand did nothing for you, so there was nothing there to mourn, no loss.

Thank you for you're point of view open eyes which does sound right

You are welcome ((rainwind)). What tends to confuse so many individuals is that they compare their personal history with "what they are told is supposed to be". If a parent dies we think we are supposed to be grief stricken, however, that is not what happens when a person has nothing in their parent/child relationship that is there "to grieve". However, what is often really grieved is what should have been there but was not.

Unfortunately rainwind, people have children and are really not knowledgeable about what the true responsibility of raising a child really means. Therefore, what often happens is a parent gets frustrated when they are actually required to "know" how to fill the normal needs of a child and they often take that inadequacy and frustration out on the child. Often they are even reminded subconsciously of how they themselves did not receive the proper nurturing and can express anger towards their own child, not even realizing they are really experiencing their "own loss".

When your father hit you the way you have discribed, he did that because showing you care and love is something that made him extremely uncomfortable instead of him being able to experience "pleasure in getting in touch with his own nurturing from his history".
It is such a deep subconscious wound/lack that often the individuals that struggle this way do not realize the harm they are causing to their child where the child thinks the parent resents them, when it is not about that at all. In a way it is on the PTSD spectrum because with PTSD a person chooses to "avoid" any reminders, and may express anger, stress, and deep resentments they don't understand on a more conscious level, often it is a deep "fear" that is expressed in dysfunctional ways to a child that has no way of understanding "why" and instead learns that "needing is bad or wrong". This is expressed in "self talk" which is why it is important that when someone who is struggling utters negative self talk that they pay attention and say, "that is not true, I deserve to need and get comfort", this is how the individual slowly "heals" and gains on that deep "hurt" that they never deserved to have.

That's about all I can remember Thanks for you're input open eyes and sherbert

well I was hoping somewhere someone had a similar experience growing up but i guess most peoples moms wernt driving a crazy train most of the time and yeah I was scared of both of them but mom a lot more cuz she was unpredictable I never knew what was comin with her what kinda crazy f ckd up s hit was comin my way next it was a real amusement park of fun everyone should try it bich sometimes i wish you was still alive so icould do some cbhain saw work on her .why did you get married and have a son if you hate men why did nt you just go lesbian and leave me out of yer crazy s hit .sorry I'm a little drunk I don't expect anyone will respond to this and I"m sorry if i offended anyone though i probablydid

((rainwind)), actually, there are a lot of people that can relate to what you are saying about your mother. In the time I have been a member here at PC, I have listened to others with similar challenges.

I think you need to express your anger about this challenge you have experienced. It's ok to be angry and express that anger, you have a right to be angry and have that anger validated too. You are right, it is not fair to any child to grow up with a mother who is so unpredictable this way, a child should not be "afraid" of their mother this way, it was not fair to you.

You absolutely have the right to "grieve" that, part of grieving is expressing the anger that you have about that child in you that did not deserve to grow up that way.

(((Gentle Comforting Hugs)))
OE

Hi rainwind, I am just checking up on you to see how you are doing. I could see that you were experiencing a cycle and at the same time trying to make it easier with alcohol. I did that myself at times because some of my cycles were painful and very confusing. I learned that the problem with that is that because alcohol is a depressant, I felt like crap the next day.

Experiencing cycles are very tiring, and it takes time to work through them and slowly learn how to be patient with them when they happen. It is very important that you slowly learn that it is ok to "feel" and "grieve" and that as you do that you will slowly make gains. So many think that "feeling" is wrong and try to find ways to "not feel", however, it really is ok to sit with these emotions and get the comfort that you have always needed.

You need to move from feeling guilty about having challenging emotions, to feeling that you have a right to these feelings, and you have a right to have them validated too. When you reach that level, it is actually easier, they are less challenging because you no longer feel guilty for having something that is "very human to have".

Hi Open Eyes I'm good .Have a good day and be well

Well, if you "are" good then I am happy for you. You needed to vent what you vented and you are not offending anyone when you do that, most here understand that anger.

I have been around and worked with so many children over many years. I see how many parents do not truly realize the damage they do to their children. They really don't realize how much their children absorb from their bad behaviors.

Thank you open eyes I think I know now what it is