I don't know where to put this...

Everytime I think things are getting better, something cuts me back down. Something else makes me feel like I can't breathe. Something else overwhelms me and makes me feel like I'm drowning. Something else makes me wish that I had never been born.

I never cry, but I cried over this, because I am in trouble with my parents... again. To anyone else, I think I would be considered a good child. But I have failed them. I am so dense... they keep punishing me, and I assumed it was for my lack of faith. Thats not even the half of it. They blame my best friend for how I have changed. They want to take him away from me. They do not understand that he is the reason I am still alive and punishable.

It was not his fault. I felt so horrible and I was not good enough for God or anyone else and so I gave up. Slowly. At first I just wanted a break, to rest awhile, but now I do not see how I can go back. He was nothing but supportive towards me, the whole package. He never talked me out of it and I never felt pressured to do anything, one way or the other. I lost the part of me that could believe to an emptiness, a guilt and a sadness too deep to keep fighting through.

They don't understand because I cannot and will not tell them. I used to. I really did. I tried to talk to them. But everytime I told them something, my life got worse. They punished me. They were mad at me. They didn't trust me. My words came out wrong and I felt so much worse afterwards. And so now I do not share. I don't know how to talk to them. I wish they would just leave me alone and that I was not such a bitter disappointment to them. Secrets are my only safety. But that apparently isn't right either. They're still mad, still don't trust me, still punish me.

My Father and I have no relationship. Why does he think he can punish me into having one with him? Why does he think that will change things? Do they not see that I am just running away deeper inside myself every time they push me into this corner?

My Mother is the one I always wanted to go to. Wanted to talk to. Wanted to make her understand. I love her and I know that they both love me but I have no desire to let her crush my heart by not believing me or taking me seriously yet again.

My heart aches... I hate myself so much. I never deserved any of these good things. And rather than be good and happy and enjoy them like I should, I ruin them. I wish I had never existed. That is my selfish wish to save me from having to deal with this. I am sorry I am so vague. I should not have bothered, and yet I do and then I have one more thing to regret and feel sorry for.

Hello, Thine. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Sweetheart, how old are you? You make me want to cry myself, and I am not a cryer either. I am 59 years old and have suffered from emotional pain since I was 6. Please read my profile. It is self explanatory. I too was a huge disappointment to my parents. I loved them so much and was always the perfect child until my teens. Once I started to assert any independence I found myself in a very similar situation. They never really knew who I was and they wouldn't know me now. I loved them so much. It caused me incredible pain to hurt them although they never realized that. They are both gone now. I lost them almost twenty years ago. I used to pray that I could change and have the same ideas and beliefs as they did. It just didn't happen. I am the same person now that I was then. I have made many terrible mistakes in life. However, being who I am and was, I can not imagine any other outcome at the time. I am so sorry for your pain. If I can help you in any way please send me a private message. Hold on to who you are.

Thine, I'm glad you poured some emotions here. Emotional buildup is tormenting. Please keep posting.

You are beautiful, Thine. Never forget this. Your parents should be ashamed. I understand they can be harsh, but this is ridiculous. You know, maybe talk with them about something else besides your feelings. I find that casual conversationing brings parents and children closer than talking of touchy topics. I know you won't get to say what you want to, but please try this.

Thine, I'm pleased to know you.

Bless your sweet heart. Honey, I know exactly where you're coming from.
You're are darned if you do and darned if you don't. If you tell your parents, they freak out. If you don't tell them they accuse you of hiding something, and they freak out.

Sweetie, kids don't come with an instruction manual. We parents make HUGE mistakes when bringing up our kids. We try SO hard to bring our kids up to be good, responsible people -- but what we are doing is damaging them permanently because we don't know what the heck we're doing!!! We're pushing our kids farther and farther away from us. We ask them to open up to us, and when they do, we PUNISH them!!! What kind of a signal is that sending to the kids??? It's INSANE!!!

I always told my kids that I could handle ANYTHING but a lie. Don't tell me a lie, because I cannot cope with that. If you lie to me, you WILL get punished. If you tell me the truth, I will respect you and we will work together on whatever it is you tell me. Half the time, they still lied to me. Not a FINGER was ever laid on my kids -- so they were NEVER spanked or hit. Their biggest concern was losing phone priveleges.

Parents cannot DEMAND respect from their kids. My ex used to think he could. But respect has to be earned -- it has to be earned by the parents AND by the kids. Just because you are parents doesn't automatically put respect on your list of attributes.

Honey, you DO deserve all the things you have!!! Your parents had the DUTY to give you everything that they could -- they brought you into this world ~ so it's their job to see to it that your life is made BETTER than theirs!!! EVERY parent has that duty. And yes, you CAN enjoy those things!! They are YOURS to enjoy. When you have children, you too will have that duty.

You are NOT a bitter disappointment to your parents ~ Your parents are a bitter disappointment to YOU. It sounds to me like every time you turn around, you're being punished!! Maybe it's justified, maybe it's NOT. But continual punishment isn't getting ANYTHING solved. Right?? Right! It seems to me like some middle ground has to be met. And that can only be done with a counselor. Do you think that perhaps all 3 of you could possibly see a counselor -- a family counselor?? It sounds like you may need it. If they won't go, would YOU go? I think perhaps you have some issues that you need to talk about with a 3rd party. Talk to your folks about it. They SHOULD agree!!

I wish you the very best - I'm on your side. Please keep us posted okay?? God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I appreciate it.

Neither my parents nor I are perfect people, obviously. If you ever find a "perfect" person let me know. ) For everything they have done wrong, I am sure they have done many things right. Our problems are mostly my fault. I was a horrible child and though not a particularly horrible teenager by most standards, compared to my older sister I am a she-devil.

I have always had trouble expressing my emotions. That caused a lot of misunderstandings between my parents and I. I would see how far I could push them away before they would react. I would run away and see if they would follow. Because as far as I ran and as hard as I pushed, all I wanted was to have them push back harder and follow me to the ends of the earth. But thinking that if they ignored it, I would stop, they didn't really react. I always craved their comfort and attention and would do anything to get it, but when they gave it to me, I would act like I didn't like it and push them away again. In short, I am impossible.

My older sister had a really good and open relationship with my parents. They assume because I do not have the same relationship, am no longer practicing Catholosism and don't talk to them very much, I must be having sex, lying to them and headed straight for hell. The first is not true, the second is and the third, I do not presume to know.

Most of my problems with them stem from my own problems that I have never vocalized to them. I cannot. I do not think they would believe me. All I wanted was for them to give me attention. Now I just want them to leave me alone. Their reaction is so painfully predictabe: You're cutting? If we punish the crap out of you, then you'll stop. You think you're depressed? That's because you are disobeying God's laws. You won't talk to us? If we take away the only friend you still have, you'll stop hiding things. They would never get me professional help. Never let me see a counselor. Knowing these things would hurt them so much, but their reaction would hurt me far more.

Leed: I do not want children. With my luck, they'd be just like me.

This is not a sob story of a poor girl whose abusive parents lock her in the basement every night. I am "blessed" beyond all reason. My parents are good people. They have their faults. We have both sabataged our relationship. I am sorry for over explaining and boring you to death. Thank you all for your kindness.

Hi again ~ Do I dare say that part of the problem is that you're Catholic?? I'm a former Catholic and that church did a REAL number on me -- of course i come from a generation where the Nun's taught us, and they WERE evil so-and-so's. Every single thing we did or thought, we were going straight to hell. It didn't even matter if it was something bad or not - we were just going to hell!! So i take it that your parents are church-going Catholics, huh? Oh great. I can see how that could be difficult for you.

I think every teenager has trouble talking to their parents or expressing their emotions. It's too bad too, cause this is the time of life when things NEED to be talked about. My granddaughter would usually come to ME cause her Mom would pooh-pooh her fears/emotions ~ that made me mad -- and her mom is MY daughter. She wasn't brought up that way. So my granddaughter and i had MANY long talks about stuff. Trouble is they have moved to Mississippi - and i'm in Michigan.

Kids need to talk to someone they can trust about stuff -- and hopefully it's their parents!! They shouldn't be pushed aside or laughed at or have their concerns minimized. They are very REAL. And your parents are WRONG to compare you to your sister!! the two of you are as different as night and day. I wouldn't want 2 of the same thing. How boring!!!

Naturally you're trying to get a reaction out of them -- you're looking for some validation -- some attention!!!! That's what ANY young person would do. If I thought it would have worked with MY parents, I would have done the same thing -- but they were so drunk, they wouldn't have noticed anyway.

And you are NOT responsible for everything. If they had paid attention to you, you wouldn't have had to do all this in the first place!! What is the matter with them, are they blind??? And all they're thinking about is THEM as far as counseling goes huh?? They're thinking about how it would "look" to everyone. How their social status would be affected!! Makes me want to barf. ACK!
THEY are the ones who need counseling --- I think you're normal!!

Sweetie, you CAN talk to the counselor at school. That would be an outlet for you - they are trained for this kind of thing. And it WOULD help you. If you're sure that your folks won't let you get outside help, talk to the one at school.

In the meantime -- there is no point in butting heads with your parents. You'll only make yourself AND them miserable. Why not call a truce -- try to get along as much as possible and see what happens. I'm NOT saying to bow to their every whim -- but just try to get along. Maybe things will settle down a little to where you can "tolerate" it. I sure hope so sweetie. I'm concerned about you. Please keep in touch - you can message me if you want. God bless honey, and take care. Hugs, Lee

thine self, how old are you? your emotions matter more than you know right now, and more than your parents know unfortunately. i am a little unhappy with their response to you right now to be honest. they should be taking better care of you if you are so unhappy that you are cutting yourself.

as you get older, you will have chances to be around people who accept feelings and deal with them in more productive ways. you are doing a really good thing by identifying your feelings now and figuring out what you need from your parents (even if they can't give it to you). make yourself heard. it is not a bad thing to reach out for support. lots of hugs to you thineself

I am 17. I apologize for not answering this question earlier. My parents plan to be in charge of my life for as long as possible, making the fact that I am planning to leave for college next year another point of contention between us.

Religion is such a tricky thing. It seems to either make or break people and while it made me for a long time, it eventually crashed down with me underneath it, resulting in broken hope, faith and a soul in comatose. Wheter that is my fault or Catholosisms, I do not presume to know. I have come to see faith as just another way to cope. It helps many people and I am glad of that. We all need all the help we can get down here.

I hesistate to bring this up, because it just adds to the fun and makes me life seem like a never ending tale of misery (which in all honesty, it is not. Unpleasant, yes. Miserable, no.) but I am homeschooled. LOL The "school counselor" option, which has been suggested to me so many times by well meaning individuals, is impossible.

I do not blame them. I just wish things could be different. I go to considerable lengths to hide my secrets from them because their reaction to them would push me over the edge. They look for problems in all the wrong places. I do not think they "believe in" depression and the like and the possibility of me cutting has probably never even crossed their minds. That's just not something kids who have been brought up like me DO.

They think it's my friend's fault that I "suddenly" don't want to live like they do. In a way I wish I could find the words to explain to them that rather than being the problem, he kept me alive for a while. But that would only make things worse. Oh God, if they knew about the cutting... it would kill them (after they had buried me alive and danced on my grave, of course.) lol

Basically, I am doing as you suggested, Leed and just trying not to butt heads when at all possible. I come to church without complaint. I sing at the flippen church! I have made their lives far more difficult, that is for sure. I have often wished that I had just hung on until college to "rebell".

I am not a communist, but one of my favorite quotes is by Carl Marx. "Religion is the opiate of the masses". I formed my own religious beliefs around the age of fifteen. They're basically the same now and I'm old as dirt. As far as waiting to rebel, hindsight is 20/20. Leed gives wonderful advice. Me, not so much. But I do genuinely care about your pain. So, keep listening to the all wise and kind Leed.

Look ~ you're 17 ~ isn't THAT old enough to make your OWN decisions about religion??? That's when *I* told MY parents that I'd had enough of Catholocism. I told them that I QUIT and I wasn't going back. There was NOTHING they could do to make me go back to that church!!! They said nothing, and i didn't go back. I think I stunned them a bit -- but they couldn't say much because in all the years I was going to Church and Catechism, they never went to church. My Mom was Catholic, but my dad wasn't. I'm sure YOUR parents go to church -- but I still say you're old enough to make your own decision. Why go when you're getting NOTHING out of it?? It's blasphemous.

Personally, I think being home-schooled is part of your problem. It keeps kids from being socialized. Kids don't get to "fit in" with other kids. Kids don't go to the games, the activities. Perhaps you didn't even care about those things, I don't know. But every child that I knew that was home-schooled had a BUNCH of emotional problems. Then after they "graduated" they REALLY cut loose - drugs, booze, problems with the law - you name it. Some even died because of it.

I don't want to see ANYTHING happen to you ~ I've grown to care ALOT about you. I wish I could give you a BIG hug right now!

I wish I had the magic answer to all this -- I'd love to give your parents the what-for. Obviously they are completely BLIND as to what is going on with you. Are they into the country club scene or something? What are they doing, since they aren't parenting YOU? They must be terribly tied up with something. They sure aren't focusing their attention on you!! It ticks me off, big time. How blind can they be anyhow? I could ALWAYS tell when my granddaughter was depressed! It doesn't take a rocket scientist.

Bless your heart ~ feel free to message me if you want to talk. Otherwise, PLEASE don't hurt yourself anymore. You don't want nasty scars all over your arms/legs/etc. If you feel frustrated, grab your pillow in your bedroom and SCREAM into it -- kick your legs/feet on your bed. Have a real tantrum on your bed!!! That's what *I* do when I'm frustrated. Can't you just see a 61 yr old broad having a tantrum?? Quite a sight. lol But I've gotta keep it quiet or the cops will get called. lol Anyway - don't hurt yourself PLEASE. God bless. Hugs, Lee

I would be physically dragged to the Church if I made a move to protest. Not even kidding. It is hypocritical of me to go. It is even more hypocritical to sing, but it is distracting and I use it as a way to cope. I have nothing else to sing for. I have become quite the fake.

That homeschoolers are unsocialized is a massive sterotype. I don't go to school every day and hang out with other people, but if anything that has taught me to communicate with others in more universal ways. Kids around here have nothing to talk about but their gym teacher's indiscretions or this or that occuring in math class. They rarely talk to kids who don't go to the same school, because they don't seem to know how. I had to learn how AND teach them how. I learned real quick that to make friends I had to talk about them and not me because while people are really quite the same underneath, we had nothing in common as far as lifestyle. lol Plenty of kids in school get into drug, booze and trouble with the law. That has more to do with them being kids and problems at home (which happen wheter you are homeschooled or not.) I'm not saying I never felt left out or was awkward or all the other things they say about homeschooled kids, but that's life.

My parents are not ignoring me, per say. They're probably busy parenting my other 8 siblings. I don't think either of them has ever set foot in a country club in their lives. God, my life just keeps sounding better to you, doesn't it?

This really wasn't to get a group of people ready to scalp my parents. This is my fault as much as it is theirs, if not more so.

Hello, Thine. My childhood has some similarities with yours. I offer these for your perusal:

http://www.resiliencycenter.com/arti...syndrome.shtml
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/g...-mental-health
http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14...lf-acceptance/

Questioning my parents about anything was viewed as talking back. If I did "talk back," I was told I was bad. I rarely was given the opportunity to make decisions. When I went off to college I had a terrible time. In fact, I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/adj...4/METHOD=print

We all are a work in process, Thine. We always will be. We can find peace by accepting who we are now. Upon self-acceptance, the challenge remains to change what we may for the better.

You are a good person, Thine.

That you think that means a great deal to me, Byz.