[faerie_moon_x]

Hello,

I'm having a very hard time. Very hard time.

I am completely alone. I know I battle my illness alone. But now, I'm so alone I can't sleep. I can't relax. I can't hold on to myself. I was an only child. I now how to be "alone." But I have never, ever been this lonely in my whole life.

Right now, my husband is in his office. He's getting drunk playing Starcraft with his online buddies. His buddies are streaming, so a bunch of other people who are his "friends". They are laughing, having fun. It's like standing in the gate of a party and you're not invited. Because I am not invited. I'm never invited or welcome.

He is online all day. He gets up and while I am getting everything ready for school and work, he logs in to watch his buddy stream or talk on skype. He rides in the car with me to school where we drop off our son, often grumpy. That's fine, he's a morning person, that's normal. But then he goes home. Is on skype and starcraft and streaming all day. From 9:00 a.m. until 2:45 when he picks up our son. Then they come home. And he watches streams and is on skype until I get home. Then he puts his headset on and is on skype and watching streams while dinner is made. And then... I eat dinner with our son while he eats with his friends while on skype and watching streams.

And then after dinner he closes the doors to his office and streams and drinks and has fun all night, expecting me to go to sleep while I listen to him laughing adn smiling and so happy. So I can't sleep. I'm up all night and I have to get up early. Because I am in too much pain to sleep! Crying hysterically. Because this is every day. On Saturday and Sunday I'm home so he doesn't have to watch out son. So he is online all day with his headset on. If I'm lucky he will take it off to listen to something I'm saying.

Our t.v. got shut off. So he doesn't even come out to watch t.v with me. Just watches his shows on hulu with his friends on skype. And I say "Let's watch this show together," and I miss him so much! And I don't know how to cope with my loneliness! I don't know how!

I communicated to him that this is not good, and he gets mad and defensive. Accusing me of not wanting him to have friends. I don't care about if he has friends! But... friends are not 24/7 people. Right? I feel like he's my room mate. I'm a ghost. I'm invisible. I don't exist. I'm not fun or interesting. I'm not wanted. I'm alone. And it hurts so bad.

I have only hurt this bad two other times in my life. When I finally let go and realized my mom was dead, and I would never see her again. And then when my ex took my oldest son away from me and I didn't see him for a while year.

I just want the pain to stop now. I don't know how to cope.

Sorry this is long. I just hurt so bad all day and then at night it is worse. Thank you for listening.

[roads]

I had no idea how bad it was for you. I've heard stories of men like your husband, but it's never hit this close to home. I gather he has no job? How long has that been the case? Is he looking?

I am flabbergasted by what you're faced with, day after day. I don't see how anyone can live that way, to be honest. But he's obviously addicted to the media, maybe the complex of media stimuli/"friends"(semi-virtual)/alcohol. He is in serious trouble.

Is there anyone he looks up to whom you might talk to about this? If not, I suggest you speak to your medical doctor. I don't know what resources you have. You need help, I know--but the truth is that he has a major problem that is actually being recognized by professionals now. Some men (mainly men) who don't have/abandon job responsibilities live this way. Your husband is hardly the only one.

I don't know whether you can find any comfort in knowing that he's not rejecting you. He is sick, addicted to something as powerful as alcohol or heroin. He will very likely need professional intervention to recover. But you have absolutely NOTHING to do with his current behavior.

I'll see what I can learn & get back to you.

Roadrunner

[Perna]

I do not know your overall situation but I would not want to stay in such a situation where I felt someone else's behavior was sucking the live out of me; I would make a few plans of my own and get myself and son out of there if your husband is unable or unwilling to change his way and join the family.

[faerie_moon_x]

Thank you. This all began in August, before that everything was normal. He has a home business, which ironically, is live streaming. That's how he met these people. I have nothing against them. I've realized this isn't their fault. I hated them for a while, but I realize it isn't their fault now. They don't realize what they are doing because they are single guys, and although one has kids they don't live with him at all.

The house we live in belongs to my dad. So I'm not worried about losing my home or anything. But my health insurance is terrible. I don't even have treatment for my illness. I'm trying to get medicaid, but I probably make too much money alone at my job. His business doesn't make much money at this time. So we live on a very tight budget.

I don't want to lose my husband. I've been without a home before. I've lost a family before. I don't want to give up because it has been only a few months. I keep praying and praying "please don't take my family away!" And I do feel this is all my fault. I'm not good enough and now he has people who are good enough and I can't compete with them.

Hello Darkh.,
I'm sorry you home situation is that way. Even though alanon is for folks living with alcaholics and addicts I wonder if they could help you. There are usually meetings around major cities. I think you need emotional support that should be coming from your husband. I think they could provide you with that or else help you to find some emotional support and productive advice.
I've been married for 10 years and I have known my wife for 20. She has had times when she couldn't be there for me and I know what that feels like. There has probably been times when I wasn't there for her. I know I'm imperfect and I've learned that she is imperfect also. We have learned to communicate with each other though, and we work through our disagreements and find comprimises and solutions. There have been times when outsiders will feel they know enough about our relationship to make inappropriate suggestions that a therapist should probably make. There are a lot of armchair psychologists out there, my advice is to beware of them. I believe there is a reason therapists need licenses and lots of college. Inappropriate advice can cause needless damage.
I bounce ideas of others, like therapists or people at meetings, when considering major decisions. Don't suffer alone and don't punish yourself about anything. Life is too short, there are enough abusive people out there, don't beat yourself up. Stick up for yourself and empower yourself. Ask for help from someone with training. Don't allow yourself to be afraid of speaking up about your feelings. Punishing yourself will solve nothing as well as affect your son, whom I'm sure you adore.
Its always darkest before the dawn.

Peace, A.

[faerie_moon_x]

thank you. Yes, I'm thinking of checking out if there is anything for online addiction. I think he is addicted. But today he was here. Actually here. For a short time. His business requires being online, which is a problem. It is not successful now. But it could easily be. That's the whole starcraft thing. He has connections and training to be a pro-streamer. But it will take a year of training. But if he succeeds then he could make far more money than I ever can.

He was saying he is scared when the baby comes because he needs to train 12+ hours a day (like now) but when I go back to work, he will have the baby here. We can't afford daycare. (Part of the reason he stays home. His job prospects are McDonalds type jobs, which are not enough to cover the daycare we would need.) Anyway, he was saying also he would be making more than me, so I could stay home instead of work. Work is very hard for me but I don't qualify to be disabled at this time. (Plus we need my income, which would be more than cut in half if I was put on disability.)

I know this is true. This was the whole point when he started this whole thing. But, the people... the crazy, crazy people. They are what drive him away. I can tell when he hasn't been talking to them all day. He's a totally different person. Oddly, he was never this way. Never. No one could sway him or change his opinions or values until he met these people. It is like a cult or something. I don't know what they did or how they did it, but he's caught in their web. Luckily, so many of them are selfish and backstabbers, and immature. (Most are college students under 25.) And the swooning groupie girls, I do not trust them.... I trust he won't initiate something, but those girls are ruthless and I would not put it past them to show off physical assets in the attempt to be with someone they consider "a star." That's why I wonder about the mid-life crisis too soon.

But the problem is, I'm bipolar, so it triggers me. And I'm pregnant, which also triggers me.

[shelterdog71]

Wow. I went through this same thing with my ex except it was World of Warcraft. Thankfully we were not married and had no kids when we broke up. He was almost 40 years old and acted like a teenager when it came to this game... wouldn't shower for 3 days, ate chips and pizza at his desk, would call in sick to work, and would spend the absolute minimum amount of time with me that he had to. Sometimes he would come home from work, eat as fast as he could, then say "I got a dungeon run tonight!" and run upstairs and slam the door. I wouldn't see him again until the next day when it was the same thing. The worst was how I would hear him laughing and having a great time with these online "friends". If I went up there and asked him something (like what he wanted for dinner), he would SCREAM at me to leave him alone and he didn't care what I made. If I asked him to come downstairs and spend time with me he would sit in the chair with his arms crossed, pouting like a child, and say sarcastically, "There. We're spending time together. Are you happy?". I'd finally get so sick of it I'd just tell him to go back to his stupid game. We also had no sex for 4 years during this time. I completely blame that game for ruining our relationship. It was no different than a drug addiction.

Hi to you both,

I've never been an online addict but my father was a daily drinker for 20+ years and eventually the booze stopped solving his problems and he awoke to find himself divorced from my mom after 18 years of marrige and alienated from his children and in a large amount of debt with a horrible economy and a changing business climate(early 80s) and he didn't have the tools he needed to cope and he ended his life at 42. My mother struggled with bipolar and alcohol and pills but she has been clean for 20+ years and med compliant. I had an affair with drugs and alcahol throughout my teen years and then bounced in and out of 12 step programs till now. This time, I've been clean over a year, I feel its different. The compulsion to use drugs has left and I've even quit smoking cigerettes for 6 months now. I've been a pack and a 1/2 a day smoker since I was 18.
I wish I had a silver bullet that would help you with your addicted husband but I don't think there is an easy answer.
It sounds hopeful that you both had a good day recently. YAY! I think he could probably use to know that that time that you spent with him was special. Addicts, invariably, have a poor self image that they use their addiction to help correct. Unfortunately for them and everyone around them, it never works. They always get into more and more trouble until they are forced by their overwelming problems to face their addiction. It is always sad and heartbreaking.
If its at all possable, without puting youself or your children at risk, have some compassion for him. Noone chooses to be an addict. People just use whatever tools and skills they possess to fix their problems. Try to help him find new tools and skills to fix the problems he is using his online addiction to solve. I wouldn't recomend using guilt as a weapon or a tool to pursuade him to change though. He is probably aware, maybe just subconsiosly, that he is hurting you and the kids already and that might be one reason he escapes to his online world. Addicts have enough guilt, usually, and heaping more on them will not help them to recover.
I think you also need to find some emotional support for yourself because I don't believe he will be able to provide you with all that you need until he gets this under control. I think you can help him by managing your own life and emotions and then maybe your stability could give him som courage to face his addiction. You can't "be there" for him or anyone unless you have your own emotions and life under control sufficiantly.
Be grateful he isn't on "hard" drugs or hanging around dangerous people like addicts often do. As far as the "online groupies" go, there are always going to be available willing women (or men) around online or in the real world. Tell him your feelings about that. My wife tells me I can look but I can't touch and I have always been faithful to her wishs. If she is tired or not feeling well, I take care of business myself. I haven't always had a sex partner and I know how to survive without one. We do have a healthy and satisfying sex life and we don't feel the need to keep secrets, or at least I don't with her. We help each other through life we make each others life a bit easier. Still, life has its challenges but I will take these challenges over the challenges of being alone anytime.

I hope this works out for you and that maybe I am able to help a bit.

Peace, A.

[faerie_moon_x]

would call in sick to work, and would spend the absolute minimum amount of time with me that he had to. Sometimes he would come home from work, eat as fast as he could, then say "I got a dungeon run tonight!" and run upstairs and slam the door. I wouldn't see him again until the next day when it was the same thing. The worst was how I would hear him laughing and having a great time with these online "friends". If I went up there and asked him something (like what he wanted for dinner), he would SCREAM at me to leave him alone and he didn't care what I made.

- This is very similar, yes. He doesn't scream at me, sometimes he's fine with me being in the room. But he can get very irritated and just want me out of the way, he does get mad if I'm hanging around "spying" on him. >.>

brookwest - First: congratulatons on all of your success! That is wonderful news!

And everything you've said is so helpful. I do feel compassion for him. I don't want him to feel guilty. I see him in there. He does come out of the shell (like yesterday.) I honestly believe that he believes he is doing this for us. That he's going to get this pro status and make a lot of money. Like I said he has ADD really bad. But, I would not be surprised to learn he also has bipolar as well (his mother has bipolar 1.) I know he has low self esteem, so do I. I always try to give him a boost of confidance because I'm very compassionate person and I hate thinking other people feel the way I do. I don't give up on people very easily. I just want him to come back. I'm so scared he is going to disappear.

He's not actually mean to us, never physically either, so we're not in danger or anything. He's just not there. It is hard for me with my bipolar. I'm untreated, sadly. So I have to struggle on my own. I'm not self-medicating, either. I just kind of force my way along. I do my best. Like I said, I'm an only child. I can do the "alone" thing. But I don't do the emotionally cut off thing very well. That's where I'm struggling. I don't do the "purposefully being left out thing" very well either, I have a history with that due to my family, ex-friends etc.

As for the women thing, I get it if he looks at porn, that's fantasy, whatever. (although he used to be 100% anit porn, completely nuked his brother's hard drive due to porn, this is when he was 24 years old, so it is weird.) But, when I am not okay with it is girls that he is actually talking to. That is not okay and that's what I meant. I don't think he would initiate it but I would not be shocked at all for one of these girls to call him on skype and be sitting there naked or something on their web cam (we dont' have a web cam ourselves, thank heavens).... They all have very high egos and try way to hard to get noticed by the males and are really seeking attention...

I just need to figure out how to get through this without my own illness shutting me down.

Darkh x,

My mother copes with her bipolar pretty well these days. She takes her medicine and sees her doctor often. Her bipolar first surfaced when she was still married to my dad and he was a functional drunk. She was a kind of nurse/mom/wife and then the political turmoil of the 60s as well as emotionally distant parents caused her to have a psychotic break from reality. She really has been through hell because so many people do now, and in the past, blame bipolars for their illness and all that goes with it. I wouldn't want you to have to suffer like my mom did, so I would recomend seeing a doctor and maybe looking at some meds or therapy that could help with your bipolar. There shouldn't be any shame regarding treatment. If you don't have insurance or can't afford it or something like that, call the department of human services of your local hospital and ask them what to do or what is available to someone in your situation. I feel very confident they will have some helpful suggestions. It helps me to help you. I hope this works out for the best.

A.

[faerie_moon_x]

I am applying for medicaid but looks like I won't get it. My income is too high. My work insurance is about to change to be too expensive (it isn't good anyway, doesn't cover much at all for mental health.) I've been on meds and in and out of treatment, but I can't afford it. I'm in that limbo zone. Too rich for assistance, too poor to afford it on my own.... Soon probably without insurance entirely.

I've had treatment off and on since 12 years old. As a kid my mom was taking me to a child psychologist for a short time because she knew something was wrong. But I heard her and my dad fight about money and felt guilty, so I told her I was better and didn't need to go anymore. Then she died when I was 13 and I had a time in grief therapy, which I stopped going because I was a confused and angry young teen. After that nothing until I was 26 and my youngest son was born, where in the hospital they put me on Abilify and I had horrifying side effects. And I was sent into a system where I met with a therapist in training. She put me in a support group full of people court ordered for anger management.... when I was severly depressed and post pardum on top of that.... After that nothing until 30 when I went to the doctor one day. He walked in and said, "how are you today?" And I went from perfectly normal to on the floor in a heap crying.

So I was set up with a pdoc and first Lamictle (which I'm allergic to,) and then Lithium for about a year. But I couldn't afford the pdoc and I kept forgetting to take my meds until I completely forgot for over a month... And I haven't had anything since then except my OB knows and they are watching me as best they can for now, but didn't start meds due to the baby.

I dream of someday having treatments and all of that. Somedy. It's like a magical place far away, maybe like heaven. Maybe doesn't exist. I don't know.

[needfixing]

(((hugs)))
correct me if i am wrong, but it sounds like he can be someone else when he's online. there's no wife, no child, or responsibilty, it's like he's in his own world.
you need to talk to him, because this got way out of control.

[faerie_moon_x]

correct me if i am wrong, but it sounds like he can be someone else when he's online. there's no wife, no child, or responsibilty, it's like he's in his own world.
you need to talk to him, because this got way out of control.

This is what I fear. I feel this is true. But I have talked to him multiple times and he just gets extremely defensive and then blocks me out farther. He is not one to go to therapy (even if we could afford it.) He is not one to see that blocking me out is hurting more than helping.

But today was another good day. He actually went with me out of the house. We had a nice time. We were out for like two hours. It was like we were rocketed back in time four months and everything was normal. He even held my hand, which he hasn't done in so long. So... I don't know. I am on a roller coaster.

Hi Darkx,

My experiences with therapy and meds have been far from heaven, but the end result is that I can communicate my thoughts and feeling more effectivly and am much less nervous in public or around crowds.

I've never known anyone who has a easy time in treatment for mental illness. Some people receive lots of treatment and still aren't able to pay their rent or buy groceries and their situations can get pretty desperate, even with SSDI and insurance. It sounds to me like your doing pretty well compared to many unfortunate mentally ill folk. Sometimes, while in therapy, I would get really mad and confused but I'm glad those emotions surfaced with therapists and doctors rather than a family member or some poor guy just walking down the street. I believe the meds gave me the self control I needed to put together the life that I now enjoy. I think they considered me "chronicly homeless" and I didn't even think my life was abnormal in any way. Now, after years of therapy and meds and internal stuggles with confusing thoughts and emotions, I can maintain employment, be an effective step-dad and a good and faithful husband. My birth family trusts me much more now too. I'm still working on the friends and social life part, but I have to wait because I can't force people to be friends with me and I am terrified in large groups sometimes.

I wish I could give you some info on your husband, but I don't think I'm the best source. He seems pretty high functioning and proud and stubborn. People like that scare me because many times they call me a "whiner". I've never known how to respond to that except to walk away and attend to my wound and avoid them in the future.

I think my relationship with my wife works so well because we were both social rejects as well as rejects from our birth families. My wife grew up smart, overweight and Jewish around the boston area in the late 60s and early 70s. There was rampant bullying and antisemitism and people were jealous/threatened by her intelligence. She never has healed from those wounds and I'm not sure I will ever fully heal from my own. We need each other financially and emotionally, as well as physicly and the rest. I think some marriges don't work because there isn't a real or perceived need for the other. It's probably not very difficult to divorce someone who isn't filling a basic need that wouldn't be easily filled otherwise. There have been times when I would have divorced her and she would have divorced me had it been super convenient and easy. We have worked hard at our relationship and our hard work is paying off. It was most definatly, not easy for either of us. She also told me, early on, that if I ever laid a finger on her in anger, that was a deal breaker and she would leave, end of story. I've never been a violent person, but I think it was good for both us to have that be a very clear boundry and consequence. Violence can't be tolerated and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I believe any therapist or doctor would agree with me.

I guess my point is, relationships or long term relationships, I don't believe are ever easy and I believe they always require work to maintain good relations without argueing or hurtful words. Arguing can be helpful but there has to be rules like, no name calling or threatening. Disagreements are normal.

I'm sorry about your insurance situation. Some therapists will go on a sliding fee scale for eligable folk. I wouldn't give up trying though. Maybe a church or some other clergy could give you some advice also. Keep trying!

I hope you are well this day and believing that there is a solution to your present problems.

You aren't alone...

A.

[JLarissaDragon]

I am really sorry for what you are going through. For a woman to be ignored is one of the worst things that can happen to us. Remember you are a valuable person who deserves love and respect. I am just starting to believe this of myself instead of care taking everyone else. It takes time

It sounds to me like you are married to a child who takes no responsibility for anything. I know how hard it would be to lose your family though, that is why I keep working on things even though my husband is horribly abusive. at least we are professionals and he doesn't sit on his butt all day. You might try some support groups. There are often things for codependents in the community, They may be attached to churches, hospitals, or other community centers. There are also some community mental health services that are not so expensive. It sounds like you could disappear for a couple of hours and he wouldn't know the difference Remember this is not your fault

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, as an update he actually went to the store with me last night, the grocery store. He hates the store. I mean really hates it. Especially the grocery store. His ADD really makes him impatient also he really hates crowds. I remember once when he first was taking Adderal we went to the store and it was amazing. After he looked at me and said, "I can't believe it. I wasn't irritated or mad or feeling rushed. I actually enjoyed this." But the Adderal stopped working for him very quickly and he hasn't followed up. We have the same insurance, so he has the same issues getting help... but he also doesn't really try that hard. He just self-medicates with red bull, 5 hour energy, and gum. (Yes, chewing gum does increase concentration, go figure...)

I think he is high functioning in some ways but not others. I always wonder if he has agoraphobia or social anxiety but just doesn't admit it. He gets really impatient due to his ADD, especially when I'm struggling. I force myself to be "ok." My mom taught me to fight, she had cancer and fought to her last breath. But I struggle, I cycle pretty rapidly. I'm fine, then I'm not, then I'm worse, then I'm fine... blah... I'm still considered high functioning, though, because I do hold my job even if it is really hard for me.

Anyway, it was good. Even though when we got home he went to his friends stream. But we went to bed early and spent some alone time. I made sure to tell him both last night and the night before that I really was happy he went out with me. And I thanked him for going to the store with me, since I know he hates it. And I said I really like it when he goes with me, and he said "Why?" And I said, because I like being with you. I wonder if he doesn't realize that?

Anyway, I don't know if this is just one of those brief glimmers or if he is starting to come out of it. Or if maybe he is realizing what's happening with me, because I could tell him until I'm blue that I'm not doing well, but until he decides to pay attention he won't realize it. Or, I'm thinking because the baby is only a month away, he's starting to worry about me going into labor when I'm doing errands.

Also, I know it feels like I could disappear and he wouldn't notice, but I know he would. He also has some jealousy issues and abandonment issues and trust issues, thanks to a difficult childhood.

Hi darkx,

I'm glad things are moving along with you and your family. I hope your pregnancy is going well and that the baby will be happy and healthy. I'm sorry that on top of work, being pregnant, keeping house and meals, your other child(?) that you are having to adopt your husbands emotional issues also.

I don't think that our culture in the USA is very good at preparing males for parenthood and being a helpful partner in a relationship. Our culture doesn't even seem to want to acknowledge emotional difficulties as being very valid. We live in a "no excuses" type world, and this is where it has landed us...

There have been times in my life when difficulties seem to pile up to the point of absurdity and hilarity. It seems weird, I'm sure, but when things get really rough for me, I enter into "survival" mode. I've been able to pull myself through some exausting and gut-wrenching and heartbreaking situations with this. Its through no choice on my part, I think its a biological part of being human. Our ancestors got through some horrible and dangerous situations too. WWI and WWII and the korean war and the vietnam conflict the culture wars of the 60s, 70s and 80s and on to the first gulf war and to Iraq and Afganistan. As a people, I think it is just a miracle that we have survived those things. Thinking about what people have gone through to survive, in the past, helps me trudge on sometimes. Think about Holocaust survivors during and after nazi germany. Surviving that was hell, but to continue on and live after must have been challenging also. I can't imagine that, personally, and yet people have survived these things and gone on to tell their tale.

Think about what folks who disagreed with the Church had to endure in european and early american history. Disagreeing with the Church meant death and/or torture for many bewildered people. The spanish inquisition is a good example of that as well as the persecution of women who were found guilty of "witchcraft" or, in other words, being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Humans have endured all these things and managed to raise their children, birth their children, put food on the table and raise crops and livestock at the same time. These are our ancestors and they were very, very strong; as are all of us. We are much stronger than we realize, sometimes.

I hope things continue to improve with your husband. He might be immature and irresponsable, but he is a product of a immature and irresponsable culture also. There is blame to place in many places and on many people. I'm no angel either, but I believe that the truelly dangerous and destructive people believe themselves to be sane and free from defect. Acknoledging crazy is sane, strange don't you think, but very true.

Keep posting and reaching out for help. People can't read your mind. I think your doing a really spectacular job and that you should be proud of yourself to be able to walk through all these difficulties and still handle them appropriatly.

I hope you and your family are well

A.

[faerie_moon_x]

I think in general society does a bad job of raising men and women. I see it all the time with the media.

To be a "man" you need to be some jerk to women, string them along, get all the sex you can, and cheating is good and all women are "psycho" so don't worry if you hurt them. And if you're woman isn't "hot" then there is something wrong with you.

But then women are not exempt. You need to be a supermodel, fashionista, bridezilla, who takes control of everything otherwise you'll be a whinney little baby. And stomp all over your man because all men are just jerks anyway, and since they don't talk about their feelings, they must have none. Oh and don't forget to be perfectly beautiful on the outside, and don't act too smart. And if you have an opinion it is because you're just a crazy person with too much PMS....

But the biggest thing society does is take away our ability to care about others. Independance is important. But everyone also needs a certain level of dependance. We teach not to take care of those around us in a struggle. If someone is struggling, ditch them. Instead of give and take, we teach take. Me me me. We are an isolationist society. Humans need other humans to survive.

Remember the orphan babies from China all those years ago. The babies were fed, clothed, clean, and safe. But they weren't thriving. No one could figure it out. Because of those babies it was learned that babies need love. They need to be held, and played with, and talked to. Not want, need. As much as food and air, humans need love. You don't grow out of it. But so many people are taught to with hold that.

Hi Darkx,

I agree with you completely.

For me, being male in america, having been born in the late 60s, I've witnessed the shift in gender roles. I'm glad that this change has happened, but growing up in the middle of it has been difficult. I think it could be compared to trying to grow through early childhood, puberty and then adolescence, in the middle of a crazy, crowded cafeteria in the middle of a crazy foodfight. It seemed like everyone was an expert, and noone was willing to listen to anybody else.
My father was in a difficult position. His parents had taught him that men earned money, while women cared for chilren and home. He was the last of this breed, at least in the acceptable sense. I think he was just as disoriented as I with all the turmoil of the 60s, 70s and 80s. Noone seemed to know right from wrong, noone. I had to figure these things out for myself, using trial and error and listening to people who I trusted give their opinions about gender roles. People seem to know right from wrong in a better was now, though they don't always do right and sometimes choose wrong.

I agree that people can't survive well alone. We have emotional needs and my mind seems to implode and malfunction without help from others. I don't allow myself to be ashamed of this, even though some people seem to want me to be ashamed of needing help to survive.

I have difficulty espressing Love still. Receiving Love also can be awkward. I've learned to do these things anyway, and there are great rewards to learning to do these things for me.

I have to go now. I enjoyed reading your post, it is reassuring to know other people feel the way I do about gender roles and emotional needs being important.

Peace, A.