whats got my emotions running, it's negative as usual

The embarrassment of who I am, the person that is me that stands before people and interacts with people

I made so many bad decisions

I let me emotions and self-delusions run riot

Actually there has never been any me, I am but a shallow project of a sense of a human, there is no me or person to back up any of my life and interactions

That I am still alive and forever goes on my embarrassment and shame as this I cannot hide from or run from, if I am to live a life

Even if I end my life this still all stand and what’s worse is more people may realize the embarrassment I really am, either way I am stuffed

I just want to hide curl away and be left to be forgotten and hopefully disappeared into nothing

I never meant for me to end up this way, I never saw I was leading myself to this ending

However I never was meant to be a person from the off, I was always to horrible even as a child this is what was all meant for me

I don’t care to be a person, I don’t want to be a person, so really I should feel this way and take my fate… but don’t think I don’t feel the guilt or bad for being such a person as this I feel it every minute of every day.

MiP...we share many things in those words. Thank you for them...I hope the intensity you're feeling leaves you soon. There are times when I have to ride some things out before I feel better. The thoughts remain but the strength eventually returns to deal easier with them. I hope you experience a similar rhythm. MiP...it's been awhile! The UK right? Uh-oh..please say yes...my own mind has it's fractures lately... Bear with this MiP. I can say hi sometimes if you'd like. My best wishes I'll share with you right now.

QUIZZICKLE YOU HAVE JUST MADE MY DAY, THANK YOU SO MUCH

Yer I am in the UK and your mind is still in tack! and I say day well actually it’s 02:15 the 26th of November other here think it still night yesterday where you are, assuming here.

I am glad I decided to view in instead of quietly screaming in my room and punching the air in the dark… eaten to much for the sake of it in hope a full stomach sends me to sleep as well lol.

I am sorry my words do resonate with you and I am glad you are able to ride them out but can sympathise with you on that soon enough it’s another wave to ride out hey. I hope we can both learn to get through such notions and feelings and mayve in the future we both be on a post saying how we got past such feelings lol, one can only hope.

How are you after all this time?

May just be that I am feeling ill with the flu that's enough to set me off

The fear of never changing and constantly being stuck within this frame of mind and way of being this has been going on escalating to this point in a 6 year period each time and year things get worse with any active attempt to try and change this ended in failing to produce the required active change that was meant to happen and sort after

The in ability to be positive, I can't be friendly and I can't bee social able in my reality I just don't get talking to others. I guess I have always be a person aware of others and not trusting so for me it's natural to want to run or shrug people off because I find being scalable to strangers weird and a strange things to do, although I live in a society that expects you to be able to talk to strangers as if they were a person you know.... I always struggle with this especially jobs in customer interaction and sale products arrrr

The inability to like life, honestly I never had anything in my past that I enjoy or found something that gave me enjoyment within my life. All this time it has been the thought of better things to come or a time in the future where maybe I can find that enjoyment or where maybe I perceived when I would have a reason to enjoy life but well that hoping was a waste. I guess this is why I am getting bitter even more and lost even more all my childhood I told myself I would be different when older things will be different that never happen the only thing that change was my age and the situation I am in now I am desperately trying to tell myself maybe still maybe just hold on it may be different when other stuff happens. However the chance of other things happen are next to nothing.

I feel trapped, lost, scared feel constant guilt and fear each and every day.

I think I may have lost myself years ago

I feel like a child although technically I am an adult, embarrassment, disgusting and just plain delusional

What makes me laugh is actually quite hurting everytime I suddenly realize the horrible state and mess of a human I am by seeing how others are all what I am not, this isn't me comapring myself but me becoming aware of just how bad I am at the realization of how humans in my reality are really like and what makes them the acceptable and right in a sense people they are. I am no way near anything of that I am at the other end to what they look and can say see the horrible disgusting state that some humans are that we have to live around.

I just plan hate the mess and exsistance that I am

Mindinpieces~ Good heavens, what kind of a childhood did you have? It must have been horrible! Reading your posts, you're an INTELLIGENT, KIND, CARING PERSON! What on earth makes you feel the way you do? You certainly are not an embarrassment, as far as I can see. You would be GREAT to talk to - I can see where one might feel fear in talking face-to-face, as I tend to be quite shy. But embarrassed? NO!!!

And shame??? Heavens no. Why would you carry shame? Anything that happened to you is NOT your fault!!! I had a rotten childhood too, but I know it wasn't MY fault either. Yes, I felt shame as a child, but I dumped that long ago (in therapy LOL) . We may have had shameful things HAPPEN to us, but that does NOT carry WITH us. Those things belong to someone else!

Bad decisions? We've ALL made them. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. It's part of "growing up." And we NEVER stop growing up as long as we're alive! So we'll probably always make some bad decisions, unless we have some genius hanging around us, making our decisions FOR us. LOL We can't feel shame because of that! So what if we make some bad decisions. Everyone does! Let it go!

You are ENTIRELY too hard on yourself. You're not allowing yourself to be human. You're expecting too much of yourself. You're not placing the blame where it belongs -- and it does NOT belong with YOU. You were hurt as a child -- that's not your fault. Children can't understand why people hurt tham, and they can't control it. They don't know that they have options.

Be kinder to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend who was hurting. Pamper yourself. YOU are your best friend! Learn to love yourself. If you can't love yourself, you cannot love anyone else. Did you know that's true? You are a kind, loving, caring, intelligent person -- I could tell that just by reading your post. Please take care of yourself my friend. God bless. Hugs, Lee

Leed I am so sorry you have been pouring your heart and wisdom out to me and all I have been doing is more of the same and not listening. I am sorry that I haven't nor at this time been able to really listen and take on your words as I should, as I once would have if in a different place. I am afraid for now not much is reaching my sense and hopefully the me that once was that may still be within me shadowed by what is consuming me for now. Maybe within time in the future we can talk and hopefully you will get the better me, the one that is a more true picture of myself, not the me that is lashing out so to speak to notions of the anxiety etc running within myself.

Each time I made the decision actively even if from negativity, anxiety, pure fear or misunderstanding of my reality and interactions within my life but I make that decisions and it all seems to stems back to the only thing that is faulty within all my life is myself. All that has been or tampered with, all at my hands all at my infectious self influencing that produce such outcomes and such as person as I am now at this present time.

I can't ever trust myself and I have lost all sense of being human and able just be able live as a human is expected or at least to a better degree than I have ever been like as a person up to now, I can't even make a decision now expect to hide away and avoid life at all costs and hope it all disappears as I am not sure if I can face life once more and not come out a completely broken mess beyond repair.

I read one of your post in spiritual forum and yes I am one of those people to tell the truth envious of you and your acceptance and peace you have found within yourself. Although I would never have wished you to go through the turmoil that you did to get to where you are now but none a less you have gained what I so long for and all I want from life, just to be able to live (work in however small job it is) but with ease, patients and without reacting to my anxiety and worries or delusions that I have held for so long and that has cost me a lot and caused all the troubles I have today.
wishing you all the best and

You ARE in therapy aren't you sweetie? How often do you see your therapist? I pray you're in therapy -- you certainly need to be.

I was in therapy off and on most of my adult life -- and I'm 63 now. I started therapy in my early 20's. So I've had a lot of it. I also spent a short time (2 weeks) in a mental hospital, which I'm so grateful for! Back then, there weren't very many "nice" ones, but I got lucky and was put in a very nice one and treated great!

Perhaps inpatient would be helpful for you. You're able to see your psych every day, and also go into group. I found it to be of great help and it was a turning point for me.

Just know that you're in my thoughts & prayers. Please keep in touch? God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

I must say this has been like looking into a mirror to my soul, my life.
Just reading all that you have to say is 'healing' to me. I've become so insecure and doubt myself all the time. The way you wrote this is perfect and please continue .. you have a gift .. a way with words that get through to me and I'm sure many others too.
Thank you for sharing.

Leed, no I am not in therapy, it never seems to do me any good now, it once did in 2009 but then I broke back down from working at the place I did since then till 2011 and having such jumble up thought's feelings and emotions taking over me. Part of me wishes I never had the therapy it wasn't my choice and I was under 18 so I had to go. I think for me it caused more problems as it left my mental wounds open as I became more aware when really when I was younger and had more naiveness that may have saved me back then because I could block it all out. Sure I understand their worry was if anything traumatic happen again I was most likely to really suffer and not be able to cope, that therapy was meant to give me the tools to be able to cope if anything traumatic did ever happen in the future but it all fell apart since there as well. It could have just been that going to that therapy maybe was enough to break me and cause my worries, un-trust within myself and my natural abilities, maybe just leaving high school and getting lost since then was traumatic for me even though it should be nowhere near anything like that, Maybe I am constantly just left in a state of panic and stress that isn't right for a person to feel because I was just never allowed to get over it and always made to feel I couldn't trust myself which actually was just another’s person opinion but I took it all on board and absorb that all and it got twisted inside me. However no one made me do all the things I have done, no one can manipulate y thought’s I done that, I should have been stronger and corrected myself and behaviour long ago and not let it twist me, this is all what I chose, what I lead myself too.

I just don't care, I haven't really cared for years, I can't care, I am just a horrible person. I can't even fake being human or holding any of the humanly qualities you would expect a person to have. This is why I am where I am today really. I can't ever heal or be a person I never was, so really I just keep hurting myself going over this, longing for something that is impossible of myself as I don't have it in me to ever be, as a part of me would like me to be, which I never was nor had to begin with.

The silly person I can be sometimes, I guess I may hold some logic even if it is madness to method lol, however I know I have not got the job I applied for 1 week and 2 days ago, however have not had a sorry but you have not been unsuccessful on this occasion so I spend a ridicules amount of time waiting for the phone to ring and obsessively checking my email then I go oh well maybe tomorrow arrr stupid person I am and wait for it when it's not going to happen. When I do get the sorry but not on this occasion I will still be heartbroken, I know all this yet it is sending my anxiety into a frenzy and making me over emotional. Well I guess it feels like as it's near the end of the year almost, that if it doesn't happen soon it may never or feel like for once it will be a new year contemplating what new worries lie ahead instead of what amazing things may just happen as I use to feel about this time of year. Mindinpieces if a lost piece of yourself is out there please return to yourself soon, I think I may have lost a few pieces here and there that may have flown away with the wind lol..... you have got to blame it on something.

Any reminder of the past, certain past topics, really big one for me at moment is jobs, college and what are you doing with your life, Stupid stuff really to get so emotional over even though these things significantly affect your life on a daily bases so with that in mind, actually it's not so stupid to get so worked up over or upset over it is a big thing for me as I am sure these subjects are for many people.

That idiot (person in my reality, the only one I sometimes have contact with) Sure sure all is ok because you have got life sorted now, all of a sudden anything thing in life can happen and now you have hope. You wasn’t so much like that when you life wasn’t going as planned, you overlook that.... not bitter towards you what so ever,, clearly I am... yer this is where bad MIP shows through. Ok so you replied back to me for once however you think you have but if a less heart felt response is enough to keep me going or think I depend on your every beck and call your so wrong,, I am so hurt you think I am that pathetic and so hurt you think you're good you have, or are the reason, saved me, you are so wrong, your just a human I sometimes contact that I know actually exists ... you make me laugh the facade we both go through together.... no this just bad MIP again you probably did love me in a sense nothing serious still all young here but I was just me, right.... the shadow that I am going along with life in hope that you fake it you make it, right... but I have a conscious a hopeless bad one but it's there,, there was no way even though I wanted to love you that I could and I felt nothing but announce at how I couldn't feel or make things go the way I wanted them to. Which probably cause all the problem’s and the way you were then with me as you are know, I am not easy to love, let alone to talk sense to at times right. However you hardly ever allowed me to have a friend, which you should have been all that time, yet you still expected to just be able to love you but that was the past, as you still can’t just be my friend now can you but you never were, if you think you were you’re a rubbish one or were at least with me… no no what am I saying this just all bad MIP again no one in my reality is ever that bad or anything it’s all me.

I just don’t know how to be around other people or interact with them without causing problems hurt or making that interaction a bad one. I guess I am like a baby just finding their feet asto life and how you are meant to do things yet I have the knowledge and should know by now how to be a human in the background in life just like the next stranger you come across but something is faulty with me which mess everything up each time no matter how much knowledge or learning I just can’t be human and live a life.