Coping with deadly hate

What to do if you hate someone so much it became an obsession? Im dreaming about hurting this person all day everyday. Please don't write something like "realize that its only hurting yourself and not the person" - because i realized this already and it seems like realization isnt enough. Recently i started to take tranquilizers to numb my feelings but they don't help much. This hate is ruining my health, the heart-rate increased greatly and stomach problems appeared. This has to stop, but all my efforts to distract myself gone in vain. Hate is always inside me.

Can you explain why you hate this person so much? It might help others to understand and maybe give suggestions to help.

Mefisto I know you don't to hear it but that type of hate can cause physical problems for you! Trust me been there done that! I was the one who suffered not the ****er!!! What helped me was exercising until exhausted and writing!!!! iT DOESN'T GO AWAY QUICKLY BUT EVENTUALLY IT WILL!!! I don't know why you hate the person so much but since hate is a very strong emotion I can only assume it was something horrible. surround YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE. SORRY ABOUT MY TYPING!!

I've been wondering about the same thing lately. I think you need to work towards getting that hatred out of your system in a way that doesn't hurt you or others.

Has anyone ever validated your hatred? Have you ever been able to tell anyone what the other person has done for you to hate them? I think that with me, at least, one of the reasons I weren't able to start releasing my hatred for a long time was that I didn't really want to - because no one had 'seen' me with it. I kept looking for validation - someone to hear me tell them why I was angry, and react with 'Indeed, what they did was wrong - I'd be angry, too if I were in your shoes!'

After you're 'allowed to have' that anger, once you own it, then I think it's 'just' about releasing the energy from your body - I believe emotions are energy that is supposed to flow freely and finally exit our bodies. But as I said, in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. You could write about it, vent to a person you trust, release it through exercise.. whichever way feels best and most natural to you.

I applaud you for wanting to deal with feeling so bad at the moment

>Can you explain why you hate this person so much? It might help others to understand and maybe give suggestions to help.
I hate my former best-friend for betraying and backstabbing me. Read my previous threads if you are interested.

>What helped me was exercising until exhausted and writing!!!!
Yeah, exercise help a bit, but i can go to gym only once in a week along with martial art class, which is possible to take only once in a week too. So i got only two times in a week when i can express my hate, its isnt enough. I feel it every minute of any other day when i can't do exercises.

>surround YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE. SORRY ABOUT MY TYPING!!
I cant surround myself with anyone. I became very bad at talking and communicating with people. They feel that im stuck in my head, always in a bad mood, and don't want to talk with me. I have two buddies, but they are always so busy they can't even meet me. Also, there is almost no free time to meet anyone new.

>Has anyone ever validated your hatred? Have you ever been able to tell anyone what the other person has done for you to hate them?
I told three people: my mother, my therapist and my buddy. My mother told me that i don't hate him in particular, but hate my insecurites that acquired form of his image. My therapist said that i need great amount of time to get past it, there is no alternative. He told me story about his acquaintance
who got betrayed hard by his friend, who hired some criminal thugs to beat him and steal his business. He dreamed about taking revenge on him for years, but then after 5 years, he suddenly met him and didn't feel anything and didn't do anything, because his hatred burned out. But the thing is, i don't want to wait another 5 years feeling like this. And finally, my buddy just said that i need to beat him and get over it. He's a simple mind guy.

>I believe emotions are energy that is supposed to flow freely and finally exit our bodies
Its unlikely this type of hatred will just exit my body. Its too strong and it got stuck. Maybe it will happen in a few years while my health would be ruined.

I really really relate to how much you hate that person and your need to obsess. I am a year on from the worst of that situation. I have worked through a lot of it with my therapist. I can't say that it's gone, but I don't obsess now and the hate is less intense. Work with a therapist as it sounds to me like the person you hate, has possibly triggered you regarding something else. I wish you luck with it because I do understand just how that person is making you feel (Tiring though, isn't it?)

Carrying this hate in your heart is harmful, I hope you find some way to process this pain.
I understand a lot of what you have expressed.
Jade

I just read your other post where you explained what happened.. I can't even tell you how sorry I am that those people did this to you I'm stunned.. How could they?! Seriously.. I need to say this - those f*tards!!!

I can't know exactly how you feel, but I, too, have been betrayed and abused by two people who were closest to me at one point in my life and whom I should have been able to trust more than anyone - my parents.. That kind of thing can really mess a person up. The betrayal rocks and can shatter everything you've ever believed in and held true.

I hope you already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway - what they did was NOT your fault. Absolutely not! In your other post, you talked about having regrets and wondering what you did to them for them to do this to you. Obviously, I cannot know what kind of relationships you had with these people before they did this, but even if there were problems, the grown-up thing for them to do would have been to discuss it with you, not do this! Really, there's no justification for what they did. And again, I'm SO sorry you had to have your trust broken like this..

Back to your anger and hatred.. I know you probably don't want to hear this, and maybe you can find a way to work through your feelings quicker, but based on my own experience, I'm inclined to agree with your therapist - I feel there are no shortcuts you can take. It can be a lengthy process - and frustrating as hell!!! I've been there. For me, the hardest thing to deal with has been grief. I've been terrified of going through the emotions as feeling them genuinely feels as though I'm about to die - it actually hurts, physically. So, I've been reluctant to feel them, and at the same time, anxious to get it over with - but I think however long it takes, it's also your body's way of looking after you - it tells you when it has had enough. And then you can continue the next day - release the emotion(s) for as long as you need to get it all out..

And it's definitely not them 'just' exiting your body - it requires work, and can be hard work. Look after yourself during this process!

Not sure how you feel about medication, but maybe your doctor can prescribe you something to make you feel better while you work through this. Not to distract you from how you're feeling, but calm you down enough so that your body doesn't go into overdrive all the time. Distracting yourself from the pain or trying to ignore it won't make it go away, you'll just be burying it deeper into your body where it'll stay and ultimately, spill over, make you explode all of a sudden, or maybe turn into physical symptoms.

I've found that the best way to get through emotions is by simply sharing how you feel with someone - not looking for a way to change how you're feeling, but by saying honestly, 'I hate that guy, I'm so angry I feel I could kill him!!!' or whatever it is that you feel. And then having someone hear you out who can simply be there. Not necessarily offer you advice (because what advice is there) but just hear what you're saying. Stay present. Just accept what you're saying. I find that very healing. And I'm sure there are people like that here on these boards And if you do feel like you need something specific, you could say, 'I feel this way, can you tell me I'll be alright/it wasn't my fault/give me a hug'/whatever it is that you need.

Take care!

I harbor my hate in secret. My docs don't even know. My secret wish is that it eventually kills me.

I don't know exactly what happened to you. I'm going to read your other threads right now to find out.

Stay strong. I'd hate to see you to go to prison for something you might regret.

Mephisto have you ever tried to read any texts which might help you navigate through these strong emotions? Texts on releasing hatred/anger, or texts on forgiveness? Forgiveness is something that you pursue FOR YOU - it's not about informing the other parties that you've forgiven them , so please remember that. It's finding acceptance that something transpired in your life and that deciding that you're going to move forward and not allow it to continue to ruin your state of being. That comes with time and only when you are ready to let go of the detrimental emotions which are holding you down.

So perhaps it's quite unrealistic to expect your anger/hate to disappear overnight. So why don't you conceptualize and visualize yourself letting go of a little bit at a time. For instance if your degree of hatred/anger was 100%, try to imagine yourself easing up a bit and reducing that down to 95%, then another 5% over X amount of time, then another 5%. This way you are not becoming overwhelming trying to do too much at once and you are setting more manageable goals/objectives for yourself. You just want to lessen the 'charge' of these emotions and then keep moving in that direction until you can finally transcend these feelings and put them behind you (so you can move forward).

Can I ask you - have you ever had life experiences prior to this where you felt 'betrayed' or 'abandoned'? Feelings of jealousy/envy? The reason I ask is because sometimes things happen in our lives and on the surface level, we believe these most recent experiences to be the true cause of our reaction and the feelings that ensue - but in reality the recent events also activate or agitate unconscious emotional 'material' that we had suppressed/repressed and were carrying with us from our past experiences. So that can amplify the reaction & effects to the current circumstances/experience. In other words your reaction/emotions/ run much deeper than the present situation might warrant. Just throwing that out there.

Try to find small ways to promote relaxation and clearing your mind. This will lessen the strength of the feelings of anger/hatred. I recommend listening to classical music - even if you don't normally prefer that genre, force yourself to do it for 45 min - 1 hour anyway. Just focus on the sounds/harmonics/frequencies while you are listening and try to observe how you feel afterwards. The other recommendations about physical exercise are good to. Spend some time in nature (like going hiking). Explore self-help type reading/books. You need to feel like you are actively working to bring about a resolution rather than remaining idle and feeling 'helpless' and like a victim of your own thoughts/emotions - you know?

Hang in there, things WILL improve gradually over time and this very challenging life experience you are going through is actually going to serve to strengthen you in ways you never imagined. Keep at it friend.

>I can't even tell you how sorry I am that those people did this to you I'm stunned.. How could they?! Seriously.. I need to say this - those f*tards!!!
Thanks you for the compassion. And about the part, how could they...probably, from their point of view - they think that they just got rid of toxic and negative person such as myself. But in fact, i was experiencing withdrawal from SSRIs meds and i was in pretty bad shape of mind. My ex-friend used this opportunity to get attractive in her eyes, while i was in my most un-attractive state of mind. It was pretty easy, because in the first place he was much successful in life than i am. And the most part that i hate about this - i was so mad while all this happened, that i could not express my feelings and thoughts to either of them. I wrote some stupid bitter insults instead of cold writing in details that could explain to them, why what they did to me was wrong and how exactly its looked from my perspective. So, in the end i ended up looking like some resentful, mad, aggressive, pathetic kid, whom totally deserved the way he got treated. My final actions justified their betrayal in their eyes. All those dumb things i wrote to them will be the last things in our history forever. I hate myself so much for it. And i hate ex-friend so much because he knew me very well to predict my thoughts and feelings, but he didn't care anyway.

>I hope you already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway - what they did was NOT your fault. Absolutely not!
I really want to believe in this. A lot of people said this to me already. But they don't have the angle of things that i have in my memory. I see clearly what things i did wrong and the things i should not have done. Its so hard to forgive yourself in such situation. Sometimes i sit somewhere, memory of my failure pops in mind, and my mind fills with hatred towards myself - "damn, how could i be such stupid idiot?". This self-hatred is great part of hatred towards my ex-friend.

>I feel there are no shortcuts you can take.
Yeah, i thought as much. I hope i wont ruin my health or kill myself during the process of recovery.

>Not sure how you feel about medication, but maybe your doctor can prescribe you something to make you feel better while you work through this.
As i wrote earlier, i partly blame medication for the whole thing. If i would not have experiencing the withdrawal - i would handle it all much better and maybe even could avoid it at all. My ex fall in love with the guy who was on meds, it was illusion that i should have keep working or didn't create the illusion from the beggining. So i really despise the meds right now, can't even look at them.

>And if you do feel like you need something specific, you could say, 'I feel this way, can you tell me I'll be alright/it wasn't my fault/give me a hug'/whatever it is that you need.
People around me got tired from my whining already. Nobody is going to give me a hug and telling me that i'll be alright.

>>Forgiveness is something that you pursue FOR YOU - it's not about informing the other parties that you've forgiven them , so please remember that.
I know that and all other rational conclusions on that subject. But my mind is pure irrational right now, it cant be beat with logic.

>So why don't you conceptualize and visualize yourself letting go of a little bit at a time.
Thanks, i will try to do it. But other visualisations that occupied my mind are far more powerful because they are obsessive. There are a lot of images in my mind about those two people and it seems like my mind can't let them go.

>Can I ask you - have you ever had life experiences prior to this where you felt 'betrayed' or 'abandoned'? Feelings of jealousy/envy? The reason I ask is because sometimes things happen in our lives and on the surface level, we believe these most recent experiences to be the true cause of our reaction and the feelings that ensue - but in reality the recent events also activate or agitate unconscious emotional 'material' that we had suppressed/repressed and were carrying with us from our past experiences. So that can amplify the reaction & effects to the current circumstances/experience. In other words your reaction/emotions/ run much deeper than the present situation might warrant.
Its actually very smart piece you wrote there. I never was betrayed like that before, but many people abandoned me, including few friends and more important - my father left me when i was 5 years old. Its very possible that is related to my condition right now.

>I recommend listening to classical music - even if you don't normally prefer that genre, force yourself to do it for 45 min - 1 hour anyway.
I loved this genre before. My ex-gf was a brilliant piano player. Now when i hear piano, i want to puke.

> Spend some time in nature (like going hiking). Explore self-help type reading/books.
Hiking is impossible right now, its coldest winter here and im swamped with my studies and work. Can you offer some book titles?

>remaining idle and feeling 'helpless' and like a victim of your own thoughts/emotions - you know?
The problem with me - all those feelings of strong hatred and depression draining my energy and motivation to do anything. They sucking me dry and in the result i remain idle and helpless. Don't know how to break the cycle.

Glad to hear you had this insight and can make this connection. You may very well be able to diffuse the feelings of 'deadly hate' that you feel over these current circumstances with those 2 individuals by increasingly reflecting upon how these emotions you're experiencing are also rooted in prior life experiences and therefore these 2 individuals are not solely responsible for the extent of the pain/hurt you are feeling. Does that make sense? It may help for you to try and focus on releasing the emotional energy associated with your father's absence. I know it's challenging and difficult to address but that may be the major source of your pain & fears surrounding 'abandonement'.

Well the good news is that there's no piano playing in those pieces I recommended hehe... Just cello and some other string instruments...

I really enjoyed 'The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself' (Michael Singer). Try to scour Amazon.com for books written to aid in the healing process / releasing emotional pain, etc. You can read reviews and I believe you can also utilize Google Books website to preview various books and see if you might like the author's writing style. Find a text that calls your name and then explore it with an open mind.

I hope you feel better soon....

Wolf, of course they are not entirely responsible for the hurt. And my father is just a factor of many factors that made me so defective individual. Its me who entirely responsible for the whole thing. I realized that i hate myself much stronger than i hate ex-friend. Every damn morning i wake up and remember one of million times when i behave like stupid imbecil when we were together. Its like i had lobotomy at the moment. While i remembering, i scream and yell to express all that anger towards me. Every damn morning! If only it would be possible to erase memory. Its killing me. Is here somebody who had similar experience of getting stuck in the series of awful memories?
Also, i could not find the book in local shops. Can you offer something else?

Hi Mefisto....

Thank you for elaborating. Sounds like it's a confluence of things that have contributed to these emotions.

Regarding a book recommendation.... What country are you located in? If you only have local bookstores to choose from it may be more helpful to visit them, browse through the 'Self Help' section and write down the names of some texts that may interest you. Then go home and research them and read other peoples' reviews to determine which ones might sound best for you. I can try to give you some suggestions but I have no idea what you would be able to find locally. What would you say is your primary need - alleviating depression, dealing with anxiety, releasing painful emotions? (I understand all of these things are important but some texts may focus on certain areas as opposed to others).

Talk to you soon....

>Thank you for elaborating.
You are weird, wolf. Its me who should thanking you, since you are the only one here who still trying to help me.

>Sounds like it's a confluence of things that have contributed to these emotions.
Yeah, its pretty complex. I find it very hard to express them properly. It may seems like im just bitter hateful guy, but its much more than it. I don't know how to explain it so the people would understand.

>Regarding a book recommendation.... What country are you located in?
Im from Russia, one of the most depressive countries in the world.

>If you only have local bookstores to choose from it may be more helpful to visit them, browse through the 'Self Help' section
This kind of section in our shops is very bad, full of some vulgar titles like "how to manipulate all the men around you and be the queen" or "how to dominate everyone and be the boss". Im afraid, there is nothing that is related to my situation. Recently i downloaded the book "Power of Now" on my kindle. Some people suggested it here and on other support forums. I have read 15% of it and i must say it has some strange effect on me. Maybe i will be able to gain something positive from this book, im not sure yet.

Oh gotcha...

I LOVED that book! It had a very profound effect on me and it came into my life while I was going through a period of significant internal 'changes' & growth. I saved a bunch of quotes/passages from it.

I'm glad to learn that you are exploring that text. I didn't think to recommend it to you because books have a tendency of being very person-specific and also specific to a particular period of your life - so it's hard to tell which types of texts will speak to any particular individual at any particular time of their life, you know? If you ever feel like discussing some of the things in that text, feel free to contact/message me and I'd be happy to speak with you about that.

Last night after I read your earlier reply I spent some time searching for texts about releasing traumatic emotional energy from one's past. I did find and bookmark some texts I came across but I have no idea of knowing if they would be helpful or if you would relate to the material.

If you have a kindle does that mean you are able to purchase ebooks online? If so that may help you work around the problem of the crappy Russian book stores lol...