Hey,

I thought I'd start this thread for all those who were abandoned as kids, emotionally or physically..

I realised the other day that the reason I've always felt like I 'didn't belong' is because the people I've dealt with haven't seen my pain, and many of them haven't wanted to, either. My whole life I've felt like I was being a bore if I dared tell anyone I was sad, let alone that I was angry.. People would either tell me to 'not think about it', 'understand' my parents, 'think happy thoughts instead!' or 'just get over it'.

I've realised I need a 'community' where it's OK to say what I gotta say.. Healing those abandonment wounds is a long and difficult journey, and I thought we might share it here

So, I'll go first.. Right now, I'm really, really sad that my parents abandoned me. I feel it in my chest and it really hurts so much that I don't know if I can handle it.. It feels like someone literally took out my heart and then just stood there holding it and laughing at it.. I needed my dad - but he hated children.. I know he had his reasons.. But it hurts me so much.

[CopperStar]

When I was a kid my mother abandoned my younger brother and me with our abusive, drunk, perverse monster of a father, so that she could go on a vacation to see a boyfriend she met on the internet. I have a lot of rage and grief towards her as the neglect/enable parent. I think it's because by that point I had already given up on my father, I saw him as a monster that I needed to protect my brother from. But I still had faith in my mother, I still had someone. And then she left us behind with him, drove off and was gone for weeks, and then I had no one. Something in my mind broke then and it's a very deep and nasty madness that is still there to this day, but that I try to keep a lid on as best as I can most of the time.

@ d.o.a. - Our father did not like any male competition so he never wanted anything to do with my little brother, not even his own son was 'acceptable'. I'm sure my brother could relate a lot with you on the grounds of emotional neglect.

[Rosebud365]

I don't know if this sounds the same but I understand..
Reading your post I cried and got chills because I know exactly how that feels.

My mother never really left me but she passed away when I was a child then when my mom passed away my father wasn't there for me and my sisters emotionally because my father was very lost.
My mom passed away when I was 10 and now I am 22 and when I look at other children I still till this day try not to cry when I see parents with them.
I felt like the whole point of a childhood is to be with your parents.
Even though I had a "somewhat childhood" my childhood was snatched away from my life.
and till this day I still struggle with my past and try to hold tears.
Sometimes I find myself in thought and angry because of life.

It never gets easy and that's the truth. You will always feel some type of way of what your parents been through. But, know that youre not alone and that one day you will get married and you can give your CHILDREN everything that you couldn't have.

You will be a good parent and your children will love you.
Children's love is so different than any type of love. and you will see that one day.
When there is darkness there is light.
There will be days that you will be sad but there will be better days.
Life is not perfect... people like us just have to take it day buy day.
and I know its easier than said... because I struggle too.
but there will always be a tomorrow.

I am reaching a hug for you within spirit.
you deserve a lot of love in your life.
hopefully one day you will be able to not get over it but to see that your a special person because of what you been through.
things happen for a reason.

[Curry]

I put all my love in to my country when I was growing up. My Mom is an alcoholic and takes so many tranquilizers it is like she is a zombie who sometimes wakes up and then is really mean. My Dad doesn't like emotions. If you insist on discussing something he will literally get on an aeroplane and fly to another country pretending he had to go for work. When I was fifteen, I moved away from my country and I didn't have anything to love. Life hurt too much. I'm old now, I love my children. However, who I am, is that fifteen year old who had everything taken away so that she had nothing left to love. I learnt you can live and learn to love other people and places but it is good to acknowledge what formed you. Thanks d.o.a.

I'm taken aback by so many replies in such a short space of time.. There really are so many of us abandoned kids out there - I always knew it, but now I feel it. And I'm in tears that you all had to go through such ordeals It's so unfair!

CopperStar, it's awful that your mother left you with such a father - it must have left you feeling so unsafe and betrayed.. And for your father to relate to your brother, his own son, like that! He sounds like a very sick individual..

I feel I can relate somewhat to how you've felt. I think I was also, as a child, able to deal with what my father was like on some level - I, too, gave up on him. It was more important to keep my mum close as she was the one who fed me and put clothes on my back. But she didn't take me away from my mad father, and for that I've struggled to forgive her..

I've been so angry at them both! I think I scared my friends when I told them how angry I was.. My therapist is the only person I've met who just listened and didn't freak out when I told her I was so angry I felt I could kill my parents - it's not like I ever would, it's just how angry I was and it needed saying!

I used to feel that with all the emotions I'd held in, I was like a kettle about to boil over or explode at any minute.. It's so important that we get to share how we feel! If you want, maybe you can share your anger and grief here.. Give a voice to the child you once were and say all the things you wanted to say back then but couldn't..

(((((Rosebud))))) My heart really goes out to you for losing your mother at such a young age, and your dad being unable to be there for you.. I had tears in my eyes as I read about how you feel when you see children with their parents

Maybe it would be good if you were able to let those tears flow that you've been holding back.. You deserve the chance to grieve.

I so hope that if I ever have children, I'll be a good mum to them.. I've already found myself imagining situations I might face with my own kids and how to best handle them.. I know I want to deal with my own issues before I become a mother. I want to really be there for my kids, to be present emotionally as well as physically.

Curry, thank you for sharing a piece of your story here.. I'm somewhat familiar with alcoholism as my mum's father was an alcoholic who got physically violent when drunk.. I've read quite a lot about alcoholism and realise what a devastating impact it has on people's lives. My mum and her siblings seem so broken as a result of what they had to endure as children..

It must have been so confusing for you when you moved to another country.. I'm sending a big hug to your 15-year-old self

[avlady]

Huggs here too. i am sorry you parents all treated you so bad. it makes me thankful for mine. They were good people but all i can remember is being punished alot, all 11 of us. they did corpral punishment. i guess i'm a better person because of it. i hope you feel better.

[DackenDane]

I'm now just sitting on the floor, sobbing cos I was just reminded about how screwed up my parents are and how they just hate me.
They never wanted me born really, or my brother, my mother said that because of my birth she was now stuck with her husband and could not get a divorce anymore. I guess that's why she wants me to grow up in her image so that her "money" on me does not go to waste. An hour ago, I told her I wanted to become an actor. She became furious and was disgusted by what I just said. She wants me to become a lawyer so as to earn a good sum of money and repay her all the money she spent on me raising me up. She said if an actor is what I want to be when I grow up, then I might as well go and kill myself now and not waste her time anymore. It's not the first time she has wanted me to die though. She always keeps telling me how badly she wanted to just strangle me when I was born, how she just wants for me and my brother to die so that she can finally leave my father and lead a better life.
It's painful that's all I can say. That's why I always feel like wanting to die too I guess. Nobody's holding me back. I've got no love here, I'm sure as hell not going to be loved in the future. So what's there left in the world for me?
That's my short story of childhood abandonment. I'm sorry for all those others who have similar feelings as me. It's hard and I just wish that all of us didn't have to go through with this.

[Lildevil262626]

My parents got divorced when I was 10, I can't say I remember any of the 'happy' times, as I barely remember a life with the two of them together at all, after that it's was 5 years of a hellish divorce and custody battles, until Mom decided she'd rather hang out with her friends and their needles, so Dad was awarded full custody just as I (being female) needed a mom the most. My dad realized quickly he didn't have what it took to raise 3 children alone, and sent me to live with an Aunt while my two brothers, my best friends, stayed.

It's very weird to me to see my friends and their parents, how they have this bond that seems so cool, someone who understands completely and would never let you feel alone.
It doesn't make sense and it's not fair. We didn't choose to be put on this earth, we were brought here.

But whenever I think to myself
'I'm not here to be abandoned, I'm not here to worry about these two people who didn't worry about me'
I think maybe that they weren't put on this earth to be parents, they are not here to raise me. Just to give me life.
The rest is on me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Teeandtheneck]

I'm from an intact family but, nonetheless, feel unaccepted. My mother had problems when I was very young and I don't think I attached the way I should have. While not estranged, I do feel disconnected from my family. People who tell us all to "get over it" are probably hiding their own hurt. I, for one, think it's much better to open up, at least to those who are trustworthy. Opening up is the only way to get to the connectedness we need.

[Zacnme]

My mother had an affair and got pregnant when I was about three. They got divorced and my two brothers and I lived with our Mom. My Mom met a new man and told me she got rid of me and one of my brothers because that was the only way he would marry her. She gave my new sister up for adoption. My one brother stayed because we had different fathers ( maybe she had no relatives to send him to). I went to live with my grandparents for a few years.

My mom went on and had three more kids. I did not speak to her again until I was older and then it was only a couple tomes.

Now I live near the sister who was put up for adoption. I keep in touch with my brother. The one that stayed with Mom died during a time he moved to California to get to know me (it was an alcohal caused death), I also live near my Dad and keep in touch with one of the kids my mother had later.

I always felt like I had been abandoned. It has turned out ok in the end at least!

[hillarydove]

Hugs to all of you

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry I'm only replying now. Was drowned in school work all summer! I'm so touched by your heartfelt replies to this thread and thankful you've had the courage to share your experiences and feelings

Thank you for your support, avlady

I don't want to tell anyone how to feel or think, but personally, I cannot accept corporate punishment as a means of bringing up children at all. I feel parents should be people kids can trust completely and whom they can go to with their problems. In my childhood, the threat of violence only made me FEAR my parents, thus wanting to keep away from them and keep secrets from them, meaning I grew up alone.. I feel one of the most valuable things parents can and should give their children is SAFETY.

(((((((DackenDane)))))))

I'm so sorry to hear your mother treats you like that sounds absolutely awful! You don't deserve ANY of it.

I can relate somewhat.. When I was growing up, whenever my parents were fighting, my mum kept saying that if it wasn't for me and my brother, she'd have left long ago. I was like, thanks Mum, so what you're saying is if we didn't exist, you'd have had a much better life.. Her own mum also plain told her she regretted getting pregnant with my mum because it meant she had to stay with my mum's dad who was a violent alcoholic.

It's completely mental they're putting their unhappiness on us kids who never asked to be born! They made their OWN choices, and I believe the reason they blame us is because they simply cannot take responsibility for their actions, feelings, nor for trying to make their lives better now. I'm determined that if I ever have children, this lunacy stops with me!

My mum's controlling, too, and kept trying to tell me what to study and how all her investment in me was for nothing if I did something other than what she wanted me to do. I wanted to go work abroad, but she went absolutely mental when I told her. In the end, I went to uni to keep the peace, although I didn't let her dictate what I studied. However, I just ended up hating myself for not listening to my own inner voice in the first place, and dropped out of uni to begin therapy.

For what it's worth, I think it's fantastic you've found what you'd like to do with your life I think many parents are against their children's wish to become actors, so maybe you could find an online community where you could share your frustration with your mother not supporting you!

I'm so sorry for everything you went through, Lildevil What you described sounds like a good way to look at it, and I'm glad you've found a way to move on. Just know that it's OK to be sad and grieve the losses you experienced as a child, too. Your feelings are completely OK and understandable. I hope your Aunt treated you well, and that you find people to love and trust now

Teeandtheneck, I completely empathise with you. My parents have been together for over 40 years, but as a child, I actually wanted them to get divorced.. Maybe then I could have had the chance to experience something other than continuous fighting and living in fear. Maybe my mum would have been happier and eased up on trying to control me. Maybe she could have met a nice man who would have actually wanted to be my dad!

I also feel like I didn't connect with my mum - how could I, with a raging lunatic like her!

I think you're absolutely right - daring to be vulnerable and share your innermost self with others is how we connect I wish you all the best!

Zacnme, I'm so sorry your mum abandoned you It must have been so difficult for you, and it's really unfair you had to go through it! I'm glad you are doing OK now

Also, hillarydove, thank you! Much appreciated

[the red queen]

I was abandoned by both my parents my mom emotionally and physically and my dad physically was absent. I suffered all types of abuse, neglect, and I was unsafe with her and her boyfriend. I tried to protect my younger sister and brother but was unable to protect either of us. I still suffer today with PTSD from the abuse and treatment and its rather overwhelming. I feel so abandoned, unloved and rejected by them and now every relationship I'm in I feel so sad and hurt. I miss the love I never had and I'm always chasing it only to get the same results its a dark path with no direction. I feel swelled up with hurt and anger to no end.

[Jeffrouk]

Wow its so nice to hear from people that truly understand the gravity of pain that abandonment can cause..

I was abandoned by a mother i loved very much when i was 16, and left with a distraught and alcoholic father whilst my mum built a new home with my dads ex best pal. All very soap opera like!! It was a horrible time and I was left to totally fend for myself... so i ignored it all, rebuilt a relationship with my mum and supported my dad and myself as best i could.

Obviously this period had repercussions! I have since experienced massive anxiety in relationships and in situations where i am left alone etc... It never got that bad until the last 5 years when I have tried to build long term relationships.... I have experienced mind shattering anxiety, especially bad after things don't work out. Each time i have managed to push it all down, until my last episode where i nearly got back together with an ex, but it crashed down and she decided it was a bad idea at the last hurdle... Since then I fell into a horrible place, fear, anxiety depression etc... I have been told this is all the old hurt screaming to get out, and that i am best to let this happen... I am trying but its a very scary and difficult road.... most of the time I am trying to convince myself this is indeed just a long delayed and needed grieving process, and not the scarier version in which I am permanently broken and losing my ****!

can anyone else relate to that terrifying feeling when it all feels so raw and incredible painful? it is truly a feeling unique to abandonment and terror of being alone.... anger, sadness, fear, anxiety..... all in one powerful package!!

[Jeffrouk]

Originally Posted by the red queen

I was abandoned by both my parents my mom emotionally and physically and my dad physically was absent. I suffered all types of abuse, neglect, and I was unsafe with her and her boyfriend. I tried to protect my younger sister and brother but was unable to protect either of us. I still suffer today with PTSD from the abuse and treatment and its rather overwhelming. I feel so abandoned, unloved and rejected by them and now every relationship I'm in I feel so sad and hurt. I miss the love I never had and I'm always chasing it only to get the same results its a dark path with no direction. I feel swelled up with hurt and anger to no end.

I understand your pain so much red queen, it truly is PTSD, when reopened or triggered to its full it truly is overwhelming, i can no longer seem to handle the prospect of a relationship, its just to scary, and when it doesnt work out the feeling of hurt, betrayel and isolation and horrendous... Im hoping if I truly grieve this time, I may find some resolution.... but I know this will always be a part of me.

[Texansfan]

Being abandoned as a child is an extremely hurtful situtation!! Even if parents are physically present and they abandon you emotionally, the pain is still deep. Getting over abandonment is extremely hard, even if it happened 35 years ago. You are always waiting and wondering when you are going to be abandoned again and by whom. You are distrustful that anyone is actually going to be there for you. As a result, future relationships are difficult and it feels impossible to trust people. Especially when it was a parent that hurt you!!

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by Texansfan

Being abandoned as a child is an extremely hurtful situtation!! Even if parents are physically present and they abandon you emotionally, the pain is still deep. Getting over abandonment is extremely hard, even if it happened 35 years ago. You are always waiting and wondering when you are going to be abandoned again and by whom. You are distrustful that anyone is actually going to be there for you. As a result, future relationships are difficult and it feels impossible to trust people. Especially when it was a parent that hurt you!!

This is a constant for me...my mental health is so much better... but this area of my life has not improved much. I try to take care of myself by myself. The times I have had to lean on friend or family is always anxiety ridden. I cannot stand to feel like I am imposing. I have no soft, safe place to fall -even if it is for just a short time.

Right now I am staying with a friend and her husband. In these situations I tried to do nice things for these people or offer to do anything to help while I am under their roof. I'm not a loafer or loser.... and that is exactly what I feel like.. they may find fault with something little..and I cannot get over it. I am in that situation right now.. but after a couple months I am now in a position that I can finally afford to "share" a place with others that are looking to have roommates... and after that I am working to have my own place even if it's the size of a closet.

to you all

[*Laurie*]

Excellent idea for a thread.

My parents appeared to be the perfect American suburban couple when my father, whom I absolutely adored, began having an affair. I was 7 years old. My parents had been married for 25 years. When my mom found out about the affair she demanded a divorce (which, many years later, she and my father both deeply regretted). My father chose the 'other woman' and he and my mom divorced when I was 8. My father was seldom in my life after that. From that time my entire life turned inside-out. My mother became abusive toward me (she had not been, previously). She married a horrid, abusive man. The whole mess caused me to be somewhat estranged from my older sisters...they had grown up with my father AND mother; I had not. I felt like I didn't entirely belong in the family. All of my friends had two parents. I fully believe the break-up of our family strongly contributed to the early deaths of both of my parents.

Yes, parental abandonment is horrendous, it does terrible damage to children and to families.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Some people have suggested my own issues (especially regarding intimacy and interpersonal relationships) might stem from a feeling of abandonment. Yet looking at this thread...I can't for very long. I have no problems by comparison.

That never stopped me from feeling abandoned as a kid.

My dad died when I was 7, and my mom never remarried. Never even dated - she didn't want to imitate her mother who acted that way. My mom does, however, have her own mental health issues, compounded with grief. In short I was always well cared-for physically, always clean, well-fed, got to places on time and had a rather privileged life...yet my mom's mood shifts scared the hell out of me.

The worst being (for) when she would start talking about suicide. I probably didn't hear any of that until I was maybe 10, 11 years old, but by the time I was 12 I considered it a very real possibility if, say, she was late, that it was because she finally gave in to her ideation and I could go home by cab and find her dead. And I'm an only child, and we have no family in the area...I actually sort of numbed myself to it over time. Became less afraid.

Also, I'm convinced that this dynamic is part of the reason my own mental health issues were overlooked and, to some extent, still are (at least now my mom admits there's something wrong with me, but acts as though it's recent, and most likely biological in origin...as if that somehow makes it not a problem. She denies that last part, but I don't buy it. Basically mental illness caused by, say, a thyroid problem or screwy brain wiring isn't real mental illness; you're not "crazy". Oh, and forget implying that her influence or behavior has had any negative impact on me. That's a lie and you're trying to turn me against her - the "only person who cares" about me. No, I don't believe that). We debate this, but I recall being a preteen and trying to talk about what bothered me, and basically getting blown off. It's just hormones, you're making that up, stop fishing for compliments/trying to get attention, you don't know what real depression is...come to think of it, is there any wonder I fear talking about my issues with a therapist? Perhaps I expect similar reactions on some level?