[tearsinabottle]

Today I got overwhelmed as the man ( "boyfriend") who took my virginity wants to meet me after 28 years. He is now divorced and said he wants to see me. Is it normal of me to want to meet him despite the fact he took my virginity without my concent?

He was my first...well maybe not love..as I didnt know what love was then, but he was my first boy "being happy with him"..happy may be a bit of a too strong word, but I was experiencing something that made me feel like in a dream..with him. Reality was of course somehow different since he could drug me down and rape me. I think he drugged me down because I dont remember being with him, just saw the blood on the bed knowing today he took my virginity. But the good memories when he bought me ice cream, we sat at the beach looking at the big turtles sticking its head up from the sea. He was 20 and I was 15.

I have never forgotten him in that way that he was the first. It was also traumatic for me down in Asia as once the family knew we had been together or maybe they knew what he had done, I dont know, they then forbade him to talk to me and he stood with the butcher knife wanting to kill his family. I think, at least that is what I have heard from some of the other, his sister or someone else. Her mother told me I had turned her son into a devil. Nobody said anything about what happened, if they knew I dont know, but his sister raged down there. That is weird since she tried hook me up with him 2 years earlier, when I was 13.

I said yes to meet him. But it seems like he may want more than talk to me. I dont know.

I dont know why I want to talk to him except for buried feelings I have carried and that he was the first..and his family didnt allow him to talk to me back then, but today we are both grown up and I can speak.

6-12 months ago I dreamt about him for the first time and it was a very good dream. We sat down somewhere in Asia and he said he was sad for what he did and we talked long..it felt like a healing to me. He somehow confirmed to me without speaking loud so I could hear it, but still he confirmed non verbally, with a voiceless voice, that he would have chosen me if he could. Something like that and that felt good to me. Despite the fact he did do what he did to me.

Suddenly I talk with him and I cant believe it is real.

Can my feelings and choice to talk to him and see him be seen as normal?

Only you can decide what is right for you. Perhaps it is closure that you so badly needing for the healing process? You do what you feel is right for you, either choice is okay. tc

[LittleEarthquakes]

^ I agree.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Only you can decide what is right for you. Perhaps it is closure that you so badly needing for the healing process? You do what you feel is right for you, either choice is okay. tc

Ok, thank you, omegalamed. I feel a need to talk with him and see him. I just hope it can be something good coming out from it and that he is grown now and knows to treat me right.

I got the chance to ask him if he did drug me down, as he started talk about how much I remember from that day. He avoided the question and seemed to somehow be excited about what happened down there. He asked me how much I remember from the time we drove to his friends house and up to that bungalow where I am sure he drugged me down. He didnt seem to understand I have been scared ( if I was ) and didnt give any reassurance to not worry about what happened and I was only 15. Instead he could assure me it was nice and wild. He didnt understand either why I cant remember it. I dont know if he is lying or not.

Telling me he is so happy to have found me. I said I am so happy to talk with him again. Some of the things he said makes me question his character, now as a grown man. I have met a couple sociopaths so I am aware of red flags.

Still, despite this all, I still feel the wish to see him and talk with him. I read on a website that sometimes a victim of rape return to their rapist to downplay what happened, to make believe what happened wasnt that bad and that the relationship could have been continued.

I may feel I fit in that description or situation. I understand that I have never healed from this as he was my first.

[Artchic528]

Uh...why would you want to talk to the man who raped you and took your virginity without consent? Doe he still hold some power over you or something?

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Uh...why would you want to talk to the man who raped you and took your virginity without consent? Doe he still hold some power over you or something?

I dont know, Artchic. He doesnt hold any power over me, but I am so happy to talk with him again. He was 18 back then and I guess I wish to think he wasnt grown enough to know what he did. I know that sounds ridiculous as it seems to me he had planned it.

In my right mind I shouldnt want to see him, but reality is I do and the only reason for that must be because of what happened to me and everything that happened down there, the good things too. I understand its hard to understand why a victim would have a need to see her rapist. He was like my boyfriend and the last year I have been thinking about him and all what happened and it has made me sad. Nothing to do with love, but vulnerability, lost chance with him. Its hard to explain.

He brought up feelings in me that is hard to say no to see him. Maybe its me who still have issues why I want to see him.

[divine1966]

Was he 20? Or 18? Well he was of legal age and you were a child. He committed a crime. He sure knew what he did. I am sorry you went through this. If you want to meet do not meet alone. Meet in a public place and bring a friend. Be safe

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[Serzen]

Sorry but are you a masochist?

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Was he 20? Or 18? Well he was of legal age and you were a child. He committed a crime. He sure knew what he did. I am sorry you went through this. If you want to meet do not meet alone. Meet in a public place and bring a friend. Be safe

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He was 18 when his sister, along with my father, sent him into my bedroom in our childhood home, his sister hoping he and I would be together. I know that is not normal. His sister and my father have been together for 30 years.

He was 20 when my father and I was in Asia with his sister, him and the whole family. I was 15.

Yesterday I talked with him one hour on phone and we talked about a lot.

I got the chance to ask him if he drugged me down, ( on FB ) he avoided answering, but out from what we wrote to each other on FB, its clear he knows what happened. I told him I couldnt remember and even this he could tell me and assure it was nice and wild

I wish he would show me he would care and when we spoke on phone he was very normal and empathic with me and was very sorry to hear that I had my father and his sister throw me out when I was 15, when we were back in Norway. I found out my father and his sister had lied to me when I was 15, saying that this man, her brother, who I am now talking to again, would come to Norway for two weeks visit, so I could not come home. It was a lie as her brother could tell me he never did visit. How could they lie and throw me out, they didnt want me there. Her brother is the first one who has show me any compassion and say sorry for what they did. He didnt know anything what had happened to me and he couldnt understand how my father and his sister could do this to me as he say family stay together and help each other. It was good for me to hear someone say to me they are sorry even it comes from him. He sounded very heartfelt and genuin.

Anyway, if I see him I will be very causious. I feel safe because he is in family of my fathers woman, and my father is in the family. If he harmed me both my father and his sister and all family would know. I am grown now and he cant just harm me.

I dont know if he is playing a game or not about coming to see me.

We both have been married. We are both divorced. He has 3 children who lives with him.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by Serzen

Sorry but are you a masochist?

Nope. Victims of abuse are not masochists. Maybe some are, but most are not.

[Bill3]

I think the import of the question was whether you are a masochist to see him again, not whether you as a victim of abuse were a masochist.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I think the import of the question was whether you are a masochist to see him again, not whether you as a victim of abuse were a masochist.

Yes and I clearly understood the question and my answer was as I said.

A few may be, but most are not, me included.

You are not a masochist in either way. Read up on victims of rape who return to their rapist. Its not about being a masochist, its psyhcological. It wont make sense to those who havent been abused or raped.

I understand I have issues, but its not because I am a masochist. I dont like pain, I dont like to be hurt.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by tearsinabottle

Nope. Victims of abuse are not masochists. Maybe some are, but most are not.

Would you consider meeting with therapist or other professional prior to seeing this man. If he was capable of rape then, he is capable now. You know it's not something any decent men would ever do at any age, right?

Have you ever receive psychological help to properly heal? Or figure out why exactly you want to see him.


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[divine1966]

How is it legal for parents to throw 15 year olds out? To go where? I lived in northern Europe and can't imagine it being legal in Norway. Where did you go?

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[Trippin2.0]

I wont pretend to understand, at all... But I would just like to leave you with a thought.


You've given him ample chance to admit to what he did, to apologize for what he did, to even make excuses for what he did, but he hasn't. He has avoided the issue.


You think you may get closure out of meeting with him, but it probably wont be the type of closure you seek, and wont be wrapped up with a neat pretty little bow.


What if he responds in an undesirable manner?


How will you react, will that re-traumatize you?


Think about how this will affect you when it does not go according to plan, before you decide to go.

[Crazy Hitch]

I have nothing to add other than hell no stay far away from the creep

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I have nothing to add other than hell no stay far away from the creep

I agree, we're supposed to evolve during the course of our life but it seems he sure hasn't evolved much in 28 years. Any way you look at it, what he did is wrong because it's never ''right'' to rape anyone. And that he comes back in your life and dare talk to you 28 years later, after what he did, it's terribly ridiculous! I was raped too when I was 13 and I'll tell you what, if I ever see that so-called gym teacher rapist again, he might not pass the night.

If I were you, I'd told that imbecile to frig off, you got better things to do than to deal with this creep.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Would you consider meeting with therapist or other professional prior to seeing this man. If he was capable of rape then, he is capable now. You know it's not something any decent men would ever do at any age, right?

Have you ever receive psychological help to properly heal? Or figure out why exactly you want to see him.


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I have been thinking for a long time to talk to a therapist. I contacted three different therapists, but all of them had no time. I had to put myself up on waiting list, but I didnt do that. Sometimes I lack motivation and then it slips my mind and nothing gets done. Sometimes I think a therapist cant help me. I read others say they have gotten help so it must be just me who think I cant be helped. Sometimes it feels better to not bring pain up and avoid talking about it. Maybe I should try give it a chance again, to talk to a therapist. Because the trauma I did go through down there with his sister and all that happened has left hurt in me.

Maybe he is capable of rape. I know it wasnt decent what he did. I am thinking some can change and grow. Maybe its wishful thinking as I wish he now would care for me. I dont want to think about what he did, I want to push it aside. I wish I now would get care and love from him. I feel very vulnerable and I am actually scared he will leave my life again. Maybe I am sick who wants to be with him and see him. If he left my life I would feel one more loss, the biggest except for my brother and mother.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by divine1966

How is it legal for parents to throw 15 year olds out? To go where? I lived in northern Europe and can't imagine it being legal in Norway. Where did you go?

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I had to live in west at folk school. My grandmother helped me with that.

Its not legal to throw a 15 year old out, but they did. My father called and said its best I stay in west.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I wont pretend to understand, at all... But I would just like to leave you with a thought.


You've given him ample chance to admit to what he did, to apologize for what he did, to even make excuses for what he did, but he hasn't. He has avoided the issue.


You think you may get closure out of meeting with him, but it probably wont be the type of closure you seek, and wont be wrapped up with a neat pretty little bow.


What if he responds in an undesirable manner?


How will you react, will that re-traumatize you?


Think about how this will affect you when it does not go according to plan, before you decide to go.

Yes, I did give him the chance to admit to what happened and he avoided admitting if he drugged me down. He admitted he took my virginity ( without directly saying so ), but this I know because when I woke up on the bed I saw blood. He stood in the room. Either he drugged me down or I have been so scared that I have blocked it out.

Maybe it wont be what I need, to see him. I have a wish he would care for me because he say so many good things that feels good to me. I will admit I feel very vulnerable and scared of him not being what I want him to be and that he will disappear from my life again. I am trying to put my feelings down, to cool off, so I wont get hurt and feel broken.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I have nothing to add other than hell no stay far away from the creep

I wish my emotions and mind would be in right place. But they are not.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by Lazarus16

I agree, we're supposed to evolve during the course of our life but it seems he sure hasn't evolved much in 28 years. Any way you look at it, what he did is wrong because it's never ''right'' to rape anyone. And that he comes back in your life and dare talk to you 28 years later, after what he did, it's terribly ridiculous! I was raped too when I was 13 and I'll tell you what, if I ever see that so-called gym teacher rapist again, he might not pass the night.

If I were you, I'd told that imbecile to frig off, you got better things to do than to deal with this creep.

I was thinking maybe he wouldnt admit to the "drug down" part because he knows it as wrong. And maybe he took contact and thought I had no memory of it. But then he knew I knew and he couldnt do anything other than openly said it did happen.

If it was a stranger and not my first boyfriend, I would not have wanted to see my rapist either. But its different because I feel bonded to the past, him and all that happened down there. Maybe I fool myself things can be good and that makes me sad yesterday I shed half a couople tears being scared he will not see me and leave my life again. Not that he left me before, it was my father and his sister who cut us off.

[divine1966]

People do change. As a person used to drink and now quit. Or used to be lazy and now works out. Or was a spender and now learnt to be frugal.

Not as "used to drug and rape minor girls and now is upstanding citizen". Very unlikely.

Please do see a therapist

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[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by divine1966

People do change. As a person used to drink and now quit. Or used to be lazy and now works out. Or was a spender and now learnt to be frugal.

Not as "used to drug and rape minor girls and now is upstanding citizen". Very unlikely.

Please do see a therapist

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Yes, I guess you are right, its unlikely a rapist would change the way people can change in other things. And if a rapist was young, like 20, and became ashamed as a grown man of what he did, he would have made an attempt to be sad about it and not tell me it was nice and wild. I am thinking also, does he not see it as rape as he comes from a rape culture. I have no idea as he seems to think of what happened as normal or not wrong.

If I go to a therapist I hope I can understand why I am drawn to a person who I know did me wrong. I know already that survivos of rape and abuse respond positively on danger and more likely dont see the danger. Because of trauma. But if a therapist can help me besides telling me all this what I already know, then it would be good.

[Lazarus16]

Originally Posted by tearsinabottle

I was thinking maybe he wouldnt admit to the "drug down" part because he knows it as wrong. And maybe he took contact and thought I had no memory of it. But then he knew I knew and he couldnt do anything other than openly said it did happen.

If it was a stranger and not my first boyfriend, I would not have wanted to see my rapist either. But its different because I feel bonded to the past, him and all that happened down there. Maybe I fool myself things can be good and that makes me sad yesterday I shed half a couople tears being scared he will not see me and leave my life again. Not that he left me before, it was my father and his sister who cut us off.

I know but still, one must be able to admit his wrongs otherwise he's just fooling himself into believing he evolved which is not true. It's also very dishonest for you that he won't admit it, no matter what his reasons are. Many times in my life I did things that turned out horribly, I only had good motives but people were hurt and I had the honesty to admit my wrongs.

What you want, is yours to decide. No one can decide for your life but you. I just believe he might abuse you again because you said it yourself, you're still bonded to him, you need some closure, it's obvious but you're still vulnerable, he realised it and might abuse you again. The fact he won't admit drugging you is a big alarm flag to me, like I said, you are free of doing what you want but if I were you, I would either report him (though keep in mind the fact you don't remember how it exactly went will work against you in court) or chase him out of my life any way that is sure to keep him out permanently. No signs of vulnerabilities, no forgiveness, it's not being mean to him, it's making sure he won't try anything again and it's for protecting you.