Stress from an affair?

Has anyone ever experienced stress and anxiety from having an affair with someone? I think I am in love and I think he may be also. He is married and I am not. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I have been feeling crazy lately. I do have other issues but am just seeing if anyone has been through this and if they had actual anxiety or developed any problems from the affair?

Oh yes I’ve had several affairs - take some advice from a wise elder and STOP it now! He is using you! Those feelings are infatuation - what I call the “love drug”. It’s exciting and intoxicating. You are all jangly and cranked up. When will I see him again? I can’t stand being apart! I love him and need him desperately! He is my true soulmate! He doesn’t love his wife he loves me! We WILL make this work and be together. Blah, blah, blah....

Affairs bring nothing but heartache and the anxiety you’re describing. Engaging in this behavior caused me great emotional upheaval. Big heavy secrets I’ll carry around with me the rest of my life. Please save yourself now!!!

To follow up previous message, ask yourself this: do you really want to sneak around with your lover? Never be free and open in public? It’s an emotional burden to maintain this kind of secrecy. And that’s what fuels affairs - secrecy and intrigue. It makes you to feel like you’re living a double life. You’re very careful with what you say about how you spend your time.

The men I had affairs with were not bad people - and neither was I. For me, they occurred out of loneliness. My marriage was not fulfilling so I reached out to others who felt the same. I had no intentions of leaving my marriage and neither did they. But when the affair ended (they ALWAYS do), I suffered silently in shame and remorse. And then eventually I’d do it again. Finally broke this addictive pattern. But it wrecked me for life in ways I can never repair.

How old are you now if you don't mind me asking? Did your husband find out? Yes, I am very lonely and feel I cannot offer a single man anything. I knew right from the beginning I will be devastated when it ends.

((((Hugs))))

I’m 57 - no he did not find out about them. If he has any idea, obviously he keeps it to himself. My affairs happened a long time ago. We actually have a good relationship and have a lot of fun together.

Do yourself a favor and end it now!

What do you have to offer a married man that you can’t offer a single man? That’s a strange thing to say.

Yes I was thinking the same.

With a married man there are no strings attached as he’s already attached to his wife. When I had affairs they were always with married men, as I was too. We were on equal playing ground. No worries about it going further. That is, until one of them went through a divorce and wanted me to leave spouse. He wanted me to just uproot my life and run off with him across the county - very selfish man.

I admit to my affairs - and certainly not proud of them - to warn others of the dangers they pose to your emotional health. Not worth it!!!

Of course they will cause stress and anxiety. I’ve had emotional affairs. Sent myself on pointless head trips. It’s because we are not getting what we need from our spouse.

But, DanceEngine, you are single. Is seeing a married man vs. a single man about being afraid of commitment?

It's not really a fear of commitment. I have my reasons but do not want to write it all out on here. My life is not where I want it. If I explained it, it would make sense. I know what I am doing is still wrong no matter what. It was supposed to be just a sexual thing but I know I am in over my head. I have cryed many times since it started. it is up and down. When it is up I feel amazing! I do it for the excitement. I feel I do not deserve anything and I am stuck in a rut, and am lonely. I don't want to expose the real me to a "real" single man so I play a married one. it is like I am getting what I want from them, but not for real. I don't have to tell them who I really am.

Great advice! I know exactly what you're talking about and you're right!

Only you know how much this affair is damaging you. Only you can disengage from it. It’s going to end sooner or later. Take control and be the one who ends it. I can tell you from experience it hurts much more when they end it.

Last night I blocked everything. Didn't tell him anything. Erased all the texts. Now I am going back and forth. ONe minute I unblock him and wait for a message. then I block him. then I unblock. I accidently called his phone late last night while blocking him. Since I blocked him I have no idea if he contacted me or not. I know I have feelings for him and I am sure he does for me.

I am a very lonely person and have no one else so I wonder if I am making a mistake. Sometimes having no one at all is worse than having someone sometimes. I will be so lonely I will just look for another married men. I should just keep this one.
I don't know what I am doing! I am so depressed, lonely and miserable to begin with. I hate my life. He at least helped me a few months back when I was going through some issues. ughhh.

You can seek help here when you are going through a rough time, we will listen and we're a safer option than an affair.

Are you in therapy? Because you need a really good therapist. Seriously.

I've had 3 affairs and they all ended with a lot of wounded people with damaged lives. The last affair came frightening close to completely wrecking my entire life.

Please go into therapy.

Oh dear. Sweetheart, affairs only end in pain and sadness. Then if the spouse ever found out, you are causing someone else much pain and sadness. It hurts to be betrayed and cheated on, more than is bearable.

Yes, affairs cause enormous stress.

If you fear letting a single man in, why not just take your time with relationships? When you take things slowly, you can slowly let someone into your world, after you've built trust with them. Not everything has to be out out on the table right away.

I recommend ending this before you get even deeper and before someone really gets hurt, which could also be you! Seems you are ambivalent since you block and unblock him.

Affairs never lead to anything good. Loneliness is not a good reason for having an affair. You can be with other men.. SINGLE MEN. (((((((Hugs)))))))

I am not doing good at all right now. I am very depressed. I am crying. I just sent him a message telling him I missed him. I did it on purpose so it would be my last message to him. I want him to know how I feel. Then I blocked him. He doesn't know until he tries to text me tomorrow and I don't respond. Eventually he will probably come to where I work. I don't know what to do. I want to unblock him just to read his messages even though I don't want to respond. I have to keep thinking of this as me being his crumbs. I have NO self esteem. It has a lot to do with how I was raised. I am at rock bottom. I had to put the suicide hotline number into my phone incase I ever need to call. fml

Therapy would help you with your self esteem issues.

Well done for blocking him. You might not feel it right now but that is something good you did for yourself as well as the others involved.

We are here for you, and good move with that hotline number.

Yes, therapy can help you with your self-esteem. Good thing you put the suicide hotline in your phone. Smart! And I am sorry you're feeling this way.....

Do work on your self-esteem, my dear. You don't need this man to feel good about yourself. That you can accomplish all on your own. And you don't need this man just because you're lonely. You can find new friends. (((((Hugs))))))

Well, I was only dating married men for awhile. They are not worth it if you ask me. They just want sex. They don't want a relationship. They don't care if you get sick. They don't do anything in return but take, take, and take. So, if I were you, I would not bother married men. If he has no interest in you but sex, then tell him to buy a blowup doll and stop wasting your time.

The way I see it, if he's willing to cheat on his wife, he's willing to cheat on you too. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Well, I unblocked him. He has sent me a few texts today (he has no idea I am feeling like this) I only responded to him with yes and no answers. He will sense something is wrong later tonight and and will ask me If I am ok. I don't know if I should just ignore or should I text "I cant do this anymore"? I am not in my right mind right now so I am not sure what to do. I started crying a few times at work today. I actually felt better seeing his texts. He is texting me things I want to hear!! He was talking about getting together tonight and I have not responded.

Sweetheart, the BEST thing you can do for yourself is to end this. BUT that being said, the heart, emotions and head do not always match up. Your blocking and unblocking speaks to your ambivalence.

Just think of how you would feel if you were in his wife's shoes. Does that stop you???? She has NO idea of what is happening, and IF she knew, she would be devastated most likely. Do you REALLY want to do this and potentially hurt someone else deeply?

Please think about this.. IF you were his wife, would you want him sneaking around with someone else, lying to you and hurting you in this way?

You've GOT to think about your actions, and what you are doing here. You could ruin other people's lives! I do not condone your behavior, and I think it should STOP immediately. Affairs with married people are NOT respectable and hurt other people. I'm sorry for coming across this way, but I do not agree with it, and I think you need to really think about what you are doing. You are NOT thinking about your actions or the consequences. You're thinking very much about your own needs and desires and not about someone else's feelings or life for that matter. It's a marriage. Do you want to be a home wrecker???

Of course he is telling you what you want to hear, that does not mean it is good for you.

How do you envisage this working out long term as opposed to the quick fix of a text or clandestine meeting?

Good for you not responding, although now may be the time to tell him it's over. Then you can truly work on your recovery.

We slept together last night. then today I ended it. I sent a text and blocked him. I just unblocked him and I got a text asking if everything is ok. I have not responded. the sex is way too good to give up. I kept crying all day.
When I first met him it didn't bother me when he talked about his wife. I didn't even think about her at all. Now I am thinking about it. it is really bothering me. My life in general is bothering me. I am in this predicament because I hate my life, so when I cry I am thinking about him and also my life, and how I wish it wasn't this way. I have on one to count on, no money, nothing! having someone just for a minute that is forbidden is sometimes better than nothing at all!