Shame spiral

Have you ever done something you felt was right at the time, and then later said "DOH!" I never should have done that? WHY did I do that? And then live to regret it because it turned out to be a HUGE mistake?

I'm having one of those moments. It's the worst feeling in the world. I just want to disappear and die right now.

I cannot talk about the details, so please don't ask... it's far too humiliating and embarrassing. All I can say is what I did has impacted and upset several people, including my husband.

The worst part is I did what I did because of my OWN issues. It's all MY problem.

I hope I haven't ruined everything. I feel like a very bad person right now, and very screwed up in the head..

Yes I did and I am feeling the same right now.

Whatever you did, you can’t disappear and surely don’t go and die right now. I know that’s how we tend to feel. These feelings cause a major anxiety attack.

You can recover from whatever happened. Gosh, look at all the comebacks that happen to famous people. People love a comeback!

Thanks, @TishaBuv. I appreciate your empathy. You're feeling the same way? I'm so sorry... it's a most horrible feeling!!!

Yes, I am having massive anxiety over it and I am praying my husband doesn't decide to leave me over this.

I've taken ownership of it, I've apologized, and I am trying to make up for it, but there's no going back and undoing what I've done. And I've now tainted and damaged his family's view of me. The people its impacted are his own family members.

True, there’s no undoing it. We can just learn and grow. Even if your worst fallout happens over it, you will move forward and learn and grow from it.

For me too, there’s no undoing it. I feel like running away, but I can only try to act rock solid and tow the line. I need to be a better role model.

Thank you.

Can you apologize for what you've done? I have no clue what it is or what's going on for you, but for me, I just sent a note of apology to my husband's family for what I did. And I feel better. I haven't received a response yet since they're in a different time zone, but I do know one thing... apologies go a LONG way. They can right a wrong and they can heal any pain that one inflicts upon another.

What I did was I got chronically depressed from the bad way I was treated. I thought I didn’t take it out on my children at all, was a great mother in spite of my personal problems. But it turns out they resent me for my depression. They did see it. Even though I tried to hide it best I could. Now they are messed up and blame me.

I did apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t give them a safer environment with real love between parents. I merely mimicked what I grew up in.

I honestly thought I’d get empathy and protection from my boys. Instead I got resentment. It’s a harsh reality and a painful punishment that will follow me forever.

But, I have a good attitude. I am not dying from this. I must go on. I must put on the appearance of calm and portray the mother they want to see, fake as it is. I have much to offer the world. I can help others. I can be kind to myself.

Maybe in time their anger will soften. They will remember the multitude of good times and me as a pretty darn great mom. I gave my all for those kids. I couldn’t have loved anyone more. I have been completely devoted, loving, kind to them. I never raised my voice to them. I never even had to punish any of them for anything. If they messed up, I explained what they did and asked them to not do it again, and they didn’t. No kid had a better mother IMHO.

But I made the fatal mistake of allowing myself seering anger and disappoint in my other close relationships; mostly their father. I was kidding myself to think our dysfunction didn’t affect the kids. It totally did. I feel horribly guilty. I feel I was never meant to have the marriage and therefore was never equipped to even have the kids. I love the kids more than anything in the world. They’ve been great kids, they are great young men. So, wasn’t the ‘mistake’ I made to enter into a marriage I was not equipped to survive something that produced three wonderful humans?

Sorry for my rant. I’ve seen your concern about your insecurity on another thread. I’ll post to you on there. Hugs.

You know, when I was younger I blamed my parents for all I felt they didn't give me. My mother was depressed too while I was growing up. I blamed them for all their imperfections as parents, and for all my problems that resulted for me as an adult.

BUT there comes a time when blame needs to cease and desist, and when we must take full personal responsibility for our lives, our happiness and for any of our problems. We cannot blame others forever. And that's what maturity allows us to do... to take responsibility for ourselves.

So try not to absorb all that blame. Sounds like you were the best mom that you could possibly be -- in so many ways. Children need love the most and you gave that to them, and so much more. They will hopefully grow up at some stage and realize these things for themselves.

Of course. Mostly stupid ridiculous things that only cause hurt to me, not other people so I have no one to apologize to. But then some things effected other people do. It is what it is. I tend not to dwell on what can’t be changed. If it can’t be changed, I might be upset for awhile but then what’s the point, so I move on. Can’t move backwards, only forward. Can’t change the past. And no one is perfect

I caused harm to another person. I apologized, but it's not enough. I need to make another gesture to show the person I care. I feel terrible.

Did this harm cause the person to lose their job? Or just 'lose face' within their social circle?

You did the right thing to apologize. What you can't control is other people's reactions. That's the hard part in these situations -- the fallout of other people's reactions.

I'm sorry that this happened. No one is perfect. You feel bad and you apologized. There's nothing more you can do except maybe some introspection as to why you did what you did.

Eventually everyone's feelings will calm down and it will be ok. Hang in there.

Thank you, Blanche.

Oh no, it was nothing like that. Not as catastrophic. I hurt someone's feelings, and pretty badly. I am sending flowers as another gesture of apology. Then that will be the most I can possibly do. I do know apologies can go a long way, so can gestures of caring and concern, so I intend to extend that to her. And you're right, you cannot control anyone's reactions.

Oh well that happens. But, why would your husband 'leave you' over hurting someone's feelings?

Edit to add: I would not send her flowers. What would that do?

Did you just tell other people that she was a terrible person?

I would give a lot of space to the person you hurt, then reach out and invite her to meet with you over coffee so you could apologize to her in person if you haven't done that already.

Well, we're on opposite coasts, and it's my husband's family member. He's the one who suggested flowers, so I am doing as he asks.

My husband wouldn't leave me over hurt feelings. He will leave me if I continue to not trust him, as I wrote about in the relationship forum. I have trouble trusting, and I am ruining my marriage as a direct result.

Oh sorry for misunderstanding your post. It makes sense now. You can't just have coffee with her. And yes, if your husband suggested flowers, and he knows the family member he's right.

So, did this event happen because of an argument you had with your husband? It's hard for me to follow, I apologize.

This sounds very stressful. I hope things settle down for you soon here and I hope you can reconnect with your husband so that any mistrust you have is removed.

Thanks, Blanche.

Yes..... and sorry for the confusion. I did something wrong, it hurt someone in his family, I angered my husband because of that, and we fought on new years eve.

And I have trust issues that I wrote about in the relationship forum. That's what's ruining my marriage.

Today we're OK. He seems better and less angry. I need to just shut my mouth from now on and keep my insecurities to myself. I let it all spill out, and that's my problem.

Grr. I am most frustrated and angry with myself. Right now I am hating myself and feel like the worst person.

Now I get it. I understand why you feel frustrated with yourself. It's good that your husband has calmed down today. I don't think you need to stop sharing your insecurities with your husband. Why should you? If it helps you process through your trust issues hearing his feedback when you need it, I think that's actually proactive. But, what do I know. I can't sustain a romantic relationship b/c I choose emotionally unavailable men. In theory I'm good, but in practice, not so much.

Hang in there. It's a new year.

He doesn’t want to hear it anymore and I do t blame him. I’ve questioned his loyalty too much and it’s pushing him away. I have to just trust his word.

Well you don’t trust him because he gives you some reasons to not trust him. Not saying he cheats. But he does other strange things.

Was he fighting about same thing on thanksgiving too, didn’t even go to a family dinner with you because he was mad about something? Or different topic?

You made a mistake. You apologized. He could be upset if it’s his family member effected but if it wasn’t this, he’d be mad about something else. He seems to like drama and fighting and being mad.

I don’t recommend you shut your mouth, don’t share and worry about him leaving. Maybe he needs to start worrying about you leaving. Why is having all the power? It doesn’t seem equal

Well he also had a migraine on thanksgiving but yeah he didn’t want to go. I was hurt. And yes, we were fighting about the same issue, about my trust in him.

We do seem to have equal power. Sometimes it weighs more in his direction, and sometimes in mine. He worries I will leave too sometimes. He does escalate things into fights. I do think he likes to argue. I don’t. I hate it. We don't fight too often. Most times we get along great. He seems to be past this most recent issue right now, but I still feel horrible. I tend to beat myself up when I make a mistake.