Post deleted by DocJohn

Gosh, Ian, I'm sorry that you feel this way. I don't agree with what you've concluded, but I wish there was a way that you could feel better about being here. It really is an extremely valuable touchstone for me, and I honestly do care about people here, especially the more I get to know them Take care, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Ferfa,
You are saying that the people here don't give a crap about you but you know that is crap in itself.
You are taking the little respect you have for yourself and using that on other people. People here who answer your messages genuinely care about you and you just throw it back in thier faces.
I haven't and won't say anything comforting and sweet to you because you don't want it.
What do you want Ferfa? Do you want people to answer your replies and tell you that yes, indeed you are crap? Would that make you feel better? Or does it make you feel better to have people feel sorry for you and then throw it back in thier faces?
No one here is responsible for your life, your choices or whether or not you commit suicide. You are.
If you are so unhappy here and think everyone is an insincere liar or fake then why do you come here and why the hell would you give a two week notice? Your not under contract, you can come or go as you please. My only hope is that you won't trample people while you are deciding.
And really.....how to you expect someone to love you or even care when the only thing you are willing to do with your life is ***** and lay in bed?
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

Ian, sometimes caring takes the form of anger; (tis ok, our precious Heidu)!! Indifference would be the worst thing, and we are NOT indifferent to you here. Give that some thought, Ok? Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Thanks Peanut but I am not angry at all. IT's hard to hear the tone of my voice huh?
I have questions. I want to know what Ferfa really wants. I have read his posts and they are so full of self hatred and now he is turning it on people here.
I want to know if he really wants help or if he is content to be miserable. His posts are so deeply negative and I think he wants some help.
Sometimes little hugs and wuv ya's work for people and words of encouragement can go a long way but it doesn't seem to be helping him and he doesn't want it. He thinks it's crap and false. So, I will just be straight forward and tell him what I am thinking.
I want to know if he wants to get better and if he thinks we can help somehow.
Not mad. Not at all.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

Hi Ian and welcome back. I remember you from before your trip to Australia.

I did have to point out that when you lump everyone in one category ( "no one on this site truly gives a crap" ) it bothers me. I know for myself that if anything, this site has shown me more people that care and do give a crap than any other site I have seen. It has been amazing.

If people are leaving the site - it is a choice...their choice. It happens everyday everywhere...people move on.

I think that you should open up your mind instead of giving us deadlines (30 days til suicide - now a 2 week notice and you're gone?) please...this is too childish for me. Like Heidu has asked...what is it that you want and are looking for? You have so much anger and if I remember correctly from your posts before you went away...you received a lot of caring support then. Why are you trying to stir things up now?


Heather

Ian, you couldn't be more wrong...I was in chat last night with you, and we did talk to you...we also talked about other people's problems. All that means is that we care about everyone...it is no way means that we don't care about you. When you left, we all wondered how you could think that we didn't care, because it is totally not true.

Now, I'm gonna give you the other side (maybe it's gonna feel like the back of my hand, and for that I apologize). Look around this place, and realize that there are a lot of people in a lot of pain. Your problems and your pain are not the only ones. So, sometimes other people need some attention, too. Instead of saying we don't care about you, perhaps you should try seeing that we care about everyone, including you, and help support the others in the same way that we try to support you.

Whether you want to believe it or not, you have something to contribute here. You are not worthless or pointless. And you have something that many of us here can never get back...you have youth. I know it is hard, and I know you feel like you have given everything a chance, and there is nothing left to try, but I'm telling you, you haven't been alive long enough to give everything a chance. And to give up on a life you haven't even lived yet is flat out wrong. So don't do it. Keep looking. And don't push away those who want to help you because they are only humans, too, and have problems and issues of their own.

Ok, now I will get down off my soapbox and remind you that I care a lot about you, as I know others here do as well. And we will be here to help you through this.

*hugs*
mj

Excuse me??!!

I was there, too. Of course people try to be polite. It is the nature of most people to be polite. Not just to you and certainly not just to soothe you. And what the hell is wrong with being nice to people and hoping they will be nice in return?

At one point I did try to make a point that was borderline harsh. What did you do? You went off line to "rage at the (^&)(^ world" as I recall.

What is "pointless object" supposed to mean? That you offer nothing here? That is your decision. If you don't want to be pointless, then make a contribution. It is not hard. Read some of the posts of other people having problems and offer something from yourself. This site includes you, but is not about you.

You think you can lay this whole suicide responsibility on us here for not giving you something that you have only identified as "a crap"? What, exactly, is this crap you are looking for and not finding? What are you expecting? Be specific. I am not being rhetorical. What do you want?

You can't hand us the job of taking care of you. We are not your parents. This is your job, like it or not.

Heidu wrote what follows in another thread. It seems fitting here, in case you missed it...

1)
It's easier to sit in the muck than it is to stand up.
If your gonna stand up you have to fight to get yourself un-stuck.
You may even have to ask for help from someone you know or a stranger.
Once you get yourself out of it you still have to wash yourself off.
Then you have to find something clean to put on.
Once all that is done you have to present yourself back into the world.
There is a chance that someone will try to push you back into the muck or you might even fall in by yourself.
Then the negative thinking comes in. You have choices. Should you throw yourself back in it before someone else does?
Should you just try to go on.....but you'll fail...you did before.
Oh hell, why even bother getting up.

2)
Some people need more attention than others due to insecurity, lack of it as a child, there are many causes. When you are ok, or people think you are or even want to believe you are, they don't feel the need to constantly reassure you, they don't need to always be there.
So if you can remain sad, desperate, lonely etc. then you will hear the "poor baby" "poor you" that you need to make yourself feel better. It's just a temporary bandage but it works. When you need a refill all you have to do is cry again and someone will come and take notice.

I want to clarify my statement: "how do you expect someone to love you or even care when the only thing you are willing to do with your life is ***** and lay in bed?"
It is not meant as just something I said to be mean. I said it because when you are so busy *****ing about life you are too busy to notice anything good or to do anything good for that matter. When you get out of bed in a couple weeks nothing will have changed except you are hungry and feeling crappy because you haven't taken care of yourself.
You need to take care of you. You have a choice on what your life is and how you react to things. No one is gonna hold your hand or offer you a magic pill or make everything easy. That's just not life. Everyone struggles. Alot of people struggle alone. If your lucky you have a friend or someone to help you thru but they can only do so much if you are not willing to do something for yourself. If you don't have a friend or they can't help then you need to go to a counselor or someone who can give you the tools to deal with life and also someone who can understand you and care.
It's up to you. YOU are responsible for you.
Heidu


Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

Dear Ian,

What do you want from us? You can believe what you choose to believe. I have told you that I care and I do. Are you calling me a liar? I have never lied to you.

On this site, as well as with anything else in life, you get out of it what you put into it. Your extreme negativity might be the disease, but you have to make some effort to fight it. We can't do that for you as much as we would like to. You have to start caring.

It is hard to start caring about yourself. Maybe an easier place to start would be to start caring about other people. One noticeable difference between you and someone else who has come here and told us about a deadline is that she gives back to other people here, while you present us with all the evidence that the whole world is against you and you can't win, but you refuse to even fight. Why not try fighting for someone else if you can't fight for yourself?

Look around you, Ian. We are all here because we hurt and we need support and comfort and somebody to care. Most of us find it therapeutic to have a chance to help someone else besides receiving help and friendship from others. How do you think it makes people feel when they chat with you and write to you and all you do is call them liars?

Ian, you are a good person and you have so much potential. Please give yourself a chance. And, we can't do everything. You need to get treatment for this disease that makes you so negative, steals your motivation and robs you of hope. Please see somebody who can do something about it. It's your life and I have to accept that you have every right to make your own choices, and I have to live my life no matter what you choose to do, but I sincerely hope that you will choose to live. By choosing to live I mean more than just staying alive. Get out there and do something with your life. It's okay to start small.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ian}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
There's a hug, and I mean it. If you were here in front of me I would give you a big hug. If I didn't care, why spend all this time trying to help you when I really ought to be getting some work done?
-Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

This hurts my feelings, Ian.

I'm not even depressed, and I still come here and try to offer whatever small insight I have in response to people here. I originally came here seeking help for my depressed boyfriend, and I have made friends and started caring about others. So now, I'm not even here for myself - I'm here because I care about all of you. You never even replied to the several times I responded to your postings, and now you accuse us of not being sincere and not caring?

Ouch.

On the flip side, what you are saying seems to be a fairly common statement by depressed people. My boyfriend, when he was in one of his low periods, often accused me of having bad intentions. And in the other forum I frequent, for spouses/significant others of depressed people, it seems to be a common issue - that the depressed people in our lives that we love and are trying to help actually resent us for trying. I guess it seems condescending when you're on the receiving end of it. I don't know. It puts the caregiver in a tough spot - try to help/show that you care, and get accused of being insincere, versus leave the depressed person alone and then get accused of not caring.

Ian - I think you need more help than anyone here can give you. The change has to start with you. Forums like this are for support, not for cures. If you want support, this is definitely the place to come. I have read almost all of your posts, and you HAVE gotten some pretty primo support. But you've gotta get yourself a therapist (and I have given you some resources to start looking for free therapy in Edmonton, which I researched while dialed in long distance from a hotel room at 1am. You didn't even acknowledge it) and probably a doctor's appointment to see if there is anything medical going on that is contributing to your depression - it does sound pretty extreme.

Don't push us away - be the kind of person you would want to be friends with.

Ian, I recognize what you are going through because I went through it myslef with my depression. I can start to see it more clearly now as I am digging out of it. Depressed people love to blame everyone, lash out, do terrible things to people that they are closest to and love the most.

I was with a wonderful, loving woman for two years who really wanted to help me. Instead of being vulnerable and allowing her to help I pushed her away. The end result is that hse thinks the worst of me and I have lost not only a lover, but the dearest friend I ever had.

Your depression has robbed you of enough. Pleae don't let it rob you of any positive interaction you can have with people, even if it is people you only know through tis board.

FERFA, I've been where you are; full of self-pity and screaming for attention any way you can get it, even if you turn on those who want to give you that help. The thing is, your warped perception of things isn't going to change until you get yourself on the proper medication to dispell some of that depression. Depression is anger turned inwards... that means you are terribly angry with yourself and you are destroying yourself with that anger. Now it seems you are needing to blame everyone around you for your pain. No one is responsible for your depression but YOU. YOU need to get off your pity wagon and get some professional help.

If you were asked what you had hoped to get in that chat, I'll bet you wouldn't have the first clue, would you? You need help. Get it! You do have a point or you wouldn't be here on this earth.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Hi Ian.........I had to post as well, and applaud everyone here for their comments and questions. I have never been rude or dishonest with anyone here. The one thing I have ALWAYS without fail done is : NEVER SAY ANYTHING I DON'T MEAN. Not in anger, or self-pity. One of my biggest peeves is when my husband rips me to shreds verbally because he doesn't have cigs............and then an hour later, when he does have them, says, "you know I didn't mean that. I don't think you are BLANK". Then why the hell say it?

I was glad to see you back. But like everyone else has said, you get out of this place what you put into it - just like your job, your life. Don't bring the rest of us into your feelings of hatred, go before the "2 weeks notice"...........or apologize and start trying to improve your situation and help others here who are equally in pain.

Mary Alice

...........