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#1
Dec 22, 2009, 06:46 PM
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Wow...where do I start?
First let me say...I've just been actually DX with major clinical depression and will be starting new meds soon that hopefully I won't be allergic to. I've been battling depression for years as an adult with out meds due to my allergies. PC Doc thinks I am no having anxiety attacks about taking new meds which I'm sure he is prob right....  I'm dealing with a lot in my life and have been for about a year...I have a chronic condition there is no cure for and know I need to make some changes in my life once I find a reason to. It won't stop the condition, but may help me live another year or so....Christmas this year is extremely hard for me. My mother died at this time many moons ago under tragic circumstances which I still have some issues with...and I"m totally alone for the first time this year. In the past two years every three months I lost an immediate family member to death.. I moved away from my home state as I started getting into the wrong things with the wrong crowd and spiraled downward rapidly towards a path of self destruction. It's been a good move for the most part as I've had to learn who I am again in my alone-ness. I've finally sought out help and actually think there might be light at the end of the tunnel. These are just the major things I've been dealing with along with my depression. I have a lot I'm dealing with in everday life and am currently living hour to hour.... Here's my problem....I gave two children up for adoption. One is now 28 and the other 22. I have my another child who is 25. She is the only one I kept. The 22 yr old would not have even been born had not the 28 yr old's adoptive mother said she wanted "the baby". At the time my daughter was only 3 and I could barely take care of her. I had an open adoption and at another time and place could have beeen best friends with my birth son's mother. While my daughter has always known of her brothers, and asked about them she never had contact until recently. I had gotten in touch with the adopted mom and let her know Daugter wanted to get in touch with the boys. The 22 yr old made contact. Needless to say, Daughter and adopted son have been talking for a little over a month. I was just informed last night that he now wants to talk to me. I'm scared to death....I don't know if I want to face those questions right now at the point I'm in in my life. I don't know if I'm EQUIPPED to handle this right now. It's a big big ball to swallow. I knew this day would come...but I actually thought I'd be about 60-70 when it did...  It brings up a part of my life I changed and don't want to look back on...what questions do I answer? and if I don't answer the ones he wants will he hate me for it? I'm not ready to answer all the questions yet, but DO want my son to know I love him and care for him at the same time. My daughter has told me some of his story with his adopted parents and come to find out...he would have prob been better off with me. He was DX as bi-polar, manic depressive and a few other things at the age of 8? Is that possible for a child so young to have that? Did I do that to him???? I it my fault for passing this on to him? Apparently, His older brother is the same way and refuses to speak with me or my daughter at all. So I know he hates me....and blames me. Do they hate me cause I kept her and not them? This is makeing me whirl at a time I just don't need it...I start my new meds as soon as I pic up the script...I just don't know what to do right now...ignore the request? speak to him via chat like he wants? Please offer some sound advice...I know hugs are meant well...but I really need some concrete suggestions here....< big sigh> Will my life EVER calm down so I can enjoy the last bit of it I have left? Holy cow...I just want to crawl in hole and stay there and ignore the fact the world is out there somewhere... 
__________________
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. Sigmund Freud (about the Irish) 
Last edited by IrishMe; Dec 22, 2009 at 07:40 PM. Reason: added the possible trigger |
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#2
Dec 22, 2009, 07:13 PM
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Hi, IrishMe..."Wow" is right!
Quote:
Your safety is paramount. With that in mind, what's better or worse - knowing or not knowing? 
__________________
My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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#3
Dec 22, 2009, 07:19 PM
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This certainly is a lot to take in for you and I think it's probbaly a very deep issue for you, even if you don't realize it. I think you should call or email your pdoc about this and see if they have suggestions.
I think you have two concrete optoins. Meet him or don't. Both are options and ultimately it is your decision to make. He obviously thinks your daughter is a good person and I suspect you will get along with him wonderfully. I do think he is going to have some hard questions for you to answer and if you aren't ready for this -- say so. The big question is "Why did you give [him] up for adoption?" I think you need to be as honest as possible with him. It will end up being easier for you both. Other than that big question, I can't see too many difficult questions being thrown at you. Afterall, you really have no relationship with him (yet?). I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.
__________________
Chris The great blessing of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it. Seneca (7 B.C. - 65 A.A.) |
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#4
Dec 22, 2009, 07:38 PM
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Thanks Rohag!!!
I don't know what's harder right now...part of me says go ahead and sign into chat and see what he has to say. Part of me is scared to know the answer. Part of me shrugs my shoulder and think's " I yam what I yam" and if he does hate me so what? My daughter says he's very depressed and on many many drugs for his conditions...I know he's been asking a lot of medical stuff like do I suffer migraines and such. She says he's very down on life right now...and I really don't think I can mentally deal with that part of his life right now. I'm still trying to re-find my own way.. I've been dealing with a lot of grief issues that are just now coming out about my immed family and am just coming out of being numb from so many deaths at once. PCYCHRIS: I don't have a T or a counselar....I only have PC here and the kindness of you all.. ( or ya'll as we say in the south  ) I go to a free clinic right now until my disibility kicks in...so don't have anyone to talk to other than coming here.The big question of why did I give him up for adoption? Because he would have been aborted otherwise. He would never have even lived...I was basically a surragate mother. Do I tell him that? Or do I let him believe I gave him for the best? I don't know how to answer that question...and in his current issues with Bi polar, mania, and Schitziphrenia...I don't know if I even should. I feel soooo lost and alone in this....And noone in my personal life has a clue how bad I feel right now. 
__________________
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
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#5
Dec 22, 2009, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
the one thing that stands out in you post for me is "I have a chronic condition there is no cure for and know I need to make some changes in my life once I find a reason to. It won't stop the condition, but may help me live another year or so..." If this was me knowing I only had a limited amount of time left I would be making time to meet with him if not for me, for him. I would be putting aside my fears and my wants and needs because at the end of it Im going to be gone and feeling no pain nor emotions. Ill be in heaven. But him he will be the one left behind for the rest of his life holding the bag of questions, having only 2nd, 3rd hand versions and community gossip to fill in where I refused to if I didn't meet with him. I would rather go peacefully knowing I did something to help him gain understanding and knowledge of his family tree, family history, family medical background, who mom or dad, grandparents that he got what features from, closure to possibly feeling insecure and unwanted by his biological family, than to go and leave him with a life time of holding the bag for something he didn't ask for (being born and adopted out) I cant make your decision for you but thats what I would do. |
 IrishMe, TheByzantine
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#6
Dec 23, 2009, 04:28 AM
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Are you saying your son was put up for adoption and would have been aborted if no one had agreed to adopt him? You say little of your situation at the time, other than you have changed and would rather not revisit that time. Now your condition is terminal?
Wow is right. It is not up to me to judge and I won't. Your posts manifest a person of keen insight and great compassion. I urge you to find a way to get professional help now. A therapist would be so helpful. With all that is going on right now, please, please get into therapy. Regarding communicating with your son, your feelings of guilt are obvious. You seem convinced honest answers would be inadequate. Maybe so. But you did give him the chance to live. And maybe talking to your son will allow him to live a better life. (((((((((( IrishMe ))))))))))) |
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#7
Dec 23, 2009, 09:12 AM
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Quote: " I would be putting aside my fears and my wants and needs because at the end of it Im going to be gone " Unquote
Amanda. It's not about my needs and wants at all...I'm just trying to figure the best way to approach things with him.... We haven't even gotten to a point of meeting and I'm just scared of that very first conversation. I'm big on family history and his blood roots go back pretty far.. My only concern is the mental state I'm already in and have been in for months now...it's not that easy to face something when we are already on shakey ground. You make it sound so simple when in fact for me it's not. I know I WILL talk to him, In fact it will be within the next day or so... I may not tell him everything as there are some things about me NOONE will ever know. Not even a T when I do finally get to one. I just want to figure out what's best for HIM considering his own mental frame of mind. Two people meeting that are both suffereing depression, and him with the added Bi-polar, mania etc...worries me. I'm just seeking insight on HOW to handle things...not if. Byzantine: Yes that is exactly what happend. He would have been aborted had not adopted mom of son one had not wanted to adopt another. I tried to give her a give her a gift from my heart, knowing she couldn't have children and knowing how much she wanted them. As I said before...Son one was a very open adoption and while I was pregnant with son two...my daughter even went to stay with her as I was very very ill during the pregancy. So adopted mom and I have always been "friends" and up till son one was 9 communicated regularly. I know I need to get to counseling....here in New Orleans it's a hard thing to find. We are STILL in major recovery and don't even have all the hospitals open yet...the parishes here are diff in that you can't go from one to another to seek help...you have to get help from your own parish you live in. Wierd stuff...but it is what it is. The free clinic I go to is working on finding someone for me and I'm supposed to have an appt sometime next week via phone. As soon as my disibility comes thru and I get medicaid...THEN I can go somewhere out of my parish for help. I know I have a lot to "deal" with...but right now..I'm just trying to make it past the Holidays.. I'll prob be talking to him sometime today or tomorrow...I know he wants answers and I'm the only one that can give them and maybe it will erase the bad memories around Christmas for me and give me a new one to focus on???
__________________
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
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#8
Dec 23, 2009, 11:19 AM
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Good luck, IrishMe! (((((((IrishMe))))))))
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| IrishMe
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#9
Dec 23, 2009, 12:40 PM
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(((((((((Irish me))))))))))) It sounds to me that you acted oout of love both times. I would tell him more or less the truth about why you did what you did; less in that maybe he doesn't need to know everytwist and turn or path of reasoning. He was, in fact, a wanted child, and you did what was best for him at the time. The fact that the adoption was open means to me at least that you never intended to "abandon" him.
The problems he has can be diagnosed in childhood. I had at least one of the same as a child, but wasn't diagnosed. I also know that there is a strong genetic component to those same disorders that can be triggered by psychological or physical stresses. It's very possible that neither you nor the woman who was his adopted mother are accountable for the problems he has. I hope that this can ease your mind. You did what you could at the time, and I'm sure she did too. Unfortunately, none of us can see into the future. Let your feelings for him guide you. I think you can probably get a feel for what might be to much for him to handle. He is still a very young man, and one who may not be able to manage everything at once. Make sure that what you tell him you tell him for his sake, and not to unload your own anxiety or guilt. There really are some things in such a case that are legitimately your business, not any one else's. Divulge them only if you think it wil help him. (((((((((((Irish me)))))))))))) Bless you! You made some very hard choices and have to make a few more, but I think you will be able to handle it, as you handled the others. IMHO I admire you for doing your best and putting a bad life behind you. establishing contact with your son does not have to waken that to life again. he is a separate person. I hope really that you tow can be friends, at least. Take care of yourself. Huggss |
| IrishMe, TheByzantine
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#10
Dec 23, 2009, 06:50 PM
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Quote:
idea what about setting up the meeting at the church. its a public place and public places are great for lots of first meetings. After the two of you have time to say hi and relax a bit you both can decide if you are ready for say a family dinner at a restraunt and then slowly work your way through to the more private of being in your home or his. good luck with your first meeting with your son.
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| lonegael, TheByzantine
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#11
Dec 28, 2009, 05:30 PM
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Thank you all!!
I had a very brief converstation with my son yesterday...via IM's. We are a long way off from meeting in person as he lives in the northeast and I am in LA. In fact, I'd be surprised if we manage to talk again.. It was very awkward, and as I said before him and my daughter had been talking for the past month or so. I had told her to let him know he would have to make that first contact, not me, as he needed to feel comfy. I kept my IM on all day....seeing him online, and just waitng. It took him 9 hours to finally say hello. It was a general converstion at first about the weather, and then he went on to tell me a bit of his health. His DX of bi-polar at age 8 and the list of meds he's on. ( I now have guilt issues on top of everything else) and a few other health issues that required major surgery. I tried asking a few questions of his likes and hobbie and got nowhere.<big sigh> I have to admit...he's a bit of a downer. I don't think if I met him on the street or in a social gathering we would have anything in common other than the depression. He is very negative and I think very judgemental. I had asked a question about a statement he made not to clearly, and when I didn't know the answer he got a bit snotty and said he had to go. I haven't talked to him since. Not exactly sure I want to.... I have these horrible guilt feelings that I have ultimately damaged him in some way from birth...passed on the wrong genes...I must have as both boys have these problems. But then wonder, why didn't my daughter? Was it the enviorment he was raised in? Or because I was so ill during pregnancy? all these questions I doubt I'll ever have answers to. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to know about me...and he totally ignored the question. So that's where I stand. Just thought I'd update everyone and say thank you again for helping me by listening, and offering such wonderful advice. I still find it simply amazing I can come somewhere and not be judged or put down for having my feelings. Thank you all....I'll keep ya's posted if you want... 
__________________
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
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#12
Dec 28, 2009, 06:48 PM
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((((((((((( IrishMe )))))))))))))
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| IrishMe
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#13
Dec 28, 2009, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
__________________
My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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#14
Dec 28, 2009, 08:46 PM
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Rohag...
I'm at a loss right now. I've been on IM with him for three hours and we have talked about the weather again, the fact that he's playing a game on the computer that involves cutting people up with a chainsaw, and the movie I'm watching is garbage!! What am I supposed to think here????
__________________
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
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| lonegael
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#15
Dec 28, 2009, 08:52 PM
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Just a thought here.....Would it be appropriate for me to go to adopted Mom and get some more backround on what he is dealing with / going thru? I'm not quite sure how to proceed as I'm left hanging...He's the one that made contact, but when I ask him anything personal he gets very negative and comes across like he's trying to "shock" me? Trying to get a neg response back? I haven't....I've pretty much told him " whatever floats your boat"
I can't even begin to imagine trying to talk to him on the phone....
__________________
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
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| lonegael
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#16
Dec 28, 2009, 11:32 PM
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My thought is to do what you are comfortable doing. You know it will not be easy communicating with him. More information about him may make a positive difference.
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| lonegael
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#17
Dec 29, 2009, 12:33 AM
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Quote:
My only advice is to hang in there. Just the fact that he made contact at all is huge. In spite of him seeking a negative reaction, he probably wants more than anything to feel loved. Don't we all? |
| lonegael, TheByzantine
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#18
Dec 29, 2009, 01:43 AM
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I sugest You Talk To Your son and start a new life, that's what u need ur kids around you to make u happy and since you wasn't able 2 be a good mom maybe you can be a good grand ma'
 , and be blessed with a big family full of love and comprehention.
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#19
Dec 29, 2009, 07:04 AM
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Thank you so much ya'll....I'm floundering with this but know I"ll muddle thru. It would prob be a lot easier for me to do if I didn't let it depress me more than I already am.
I gave up about 10pm, sat with the IM's on not saying nothing. I left him with the parting words, " If you ever have anything you want to ask or say..and it's easier in a letter or an email...please do when ever comfy... Have a good night...sleep tight" I feel like I've let him down some way I've cried most of the night...but have woken up a bit angry. Anger at adopted mom, anger at myself, angry at him too a bit I think....I wonder again if I'm equipped to handle this right now. I've put off starting my new meds due to this ( along with the fear of my allergic reaction) and just feel very lost and alone in all of this. Like a fish out of water....I"m scared to ask anymore questions with his negitive answers and just don't know how to proceed at all... <big sigh> Tumnus.....could you please enlighten me either here or via PM about connectiing with your lost parent?? Maybe if I understood a bit more of the process from his end it might help me pull him out a bit? I would imagine there is a process such as there is with grief? Any more suggestions you have or info that would help me understand what he may be going thru would sure help I think. I want to reach out but am so uncertain how to proceed. I haven't told him yet that I am currently clinically depressed myself, and understand a bit of what he's dealing with...I will be researching bi-polar here shortly to further understand him...I just feel very very lost in this. I wish I had T.... But I'm sooooo grateful for everyone here at PC willing to help me walk thru this...
__________________
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
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#20
Dec 29, 2009, 12:08 PM
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Irish me, if you ever need to PM me or I'm sure any of the others here who are bipolar, please feel free to do so. I hope if you have questions about what you learn, one of us can help you along. PS: love your signature quote.
 Huggs.
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| IrishMe
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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