[Overcastbutclearing]

I am suffering big time in my head.
I feel like the world just doesn't want me to heal.
My T seems pissed at me lately when I try to tell her the things going on in my head. She says she isn't mad for me having the thoughts but that I don't express them well and I imply I don't want her help. I didn't know there was a certain way to express the ramblings of a crazy mind.
Everything is getting the best of me. Tired/Exhausted doesn't come close to how weak my mind, body and soul are.
My thoughts are everywhere...like a dog running on the highway and bamm hit by a mack truck and now the doggie is splattered on the road close to dead but there is still a beat in it's little heart.
I no longer think I am rational. I no longer make sense to me any more.
I don't know where to go but here right now. In a way, I am glad there is support but without anyone knowing me.
Seems like those who do know me are so frustrated with me that I no longer want to go to any of them. I want to just let everyone slowly dissolve out of my life.
I don't need anyone. I don't care anymore.
Tired of working hard on me just to fall deeper and deeper into a black, swirling hole.
I try to stay busy to focus on other things then the voices in my head that want me to do this or that.
I don't think I am capable of hanging on much longer.
But, I cannot tell anyone in mrl because they are all upset when I say that and then they just get angry that I cannot pull myself togetehr.
I am beyond that now. There is no hope for turning back...and if there is I no longer see it.
HELP....please!

[(JD)]

(((((hugs)))))) I'm sorry you are feeling so distraught right now, and especially that you feel your T isn't really there for you. But your T IS there for you...make sure that you KNOW this... think it, even if you can't "believe" it right now, ok?

I understand isolating yourself from friends and all when it seems the friendship costs more than the benefits. I hear you reaching out to them, and they, like so many, have no idea how to reach back... even though they might want to very much, they just don't know how to help you.

Maybe you do need to rest? You said you are so tired in mind and body... can you tell yourself that your doctor would want you to take a full day and do nothing, not even think about what needs to be done, that you get to take a break from the whole world?

Therapy is work, and it sounds like the "working hard " on you has overwhelmed you.. so many thoughts! So many ideas and opinions!

Rest, breathe, and know that nothing has to be done right now, no decisions, not even to acknowledge that you are suffering... "just" be.

[Parker10]

I am so sorry you are feeling for bad right now ! I think Sky's reply to you sums it all up, you ARE working hard to get better, you HAVE gotten better, right now you are having a hard time, and cannot see where those improvements were, or where they are right now. Breathe, and if being safe means being here on the forums, we are here for you !

dear friend, i'm sorry that i wasn't online this a.m., when you posted. it sounds like hell, now......i agree with sky and parker that you T is there for you. she's probably very concerned and worried about helping you. could you write out your thoughts, like you did for us? she might get more insight into your feelings, if she read them.......you know that you can PM me at any time. i'm here for you.........xoxoxo pat

[Overcastbutclearing]

Thanks Sky , Parker, and Fayerody!
I feel lost.
I have been journaling. But I could never share those thoughts with my T now.
I have an appt this Thurs with a psych doc. I am scared to go to it. I know meds would be helpful. But, I don't want to have to talk about things at the same time.
I may cancel. I am supposed to go to see my T Tuesday but I may cancel that too.
I did break down and called and left a vm for my T today.
I don't even remember what I said. I feel like all I do is ramble.
But, thanks for the support here.
It does help!

after all you've been through and pulled yourself up, by your bootstraps, you can't quit now. my psychdoc saved my life. don't break your appts, please...please don't do that..okay??? XOxo pat

[Overcastbutclearing]

I am not sure if I can pull myself out of this one.
My thoughts are to make my T, gf, and friends believe I have come out of the deep hole so they can back off me for a while and when no one is looking.......... *******
I cannot tell the truth from the lies anymore.
I have no desire to be strong either.
It is exhausting keeping up with my mind.
I think I am going to cancel my appt Thurs with the psych doc. I know she is going to ask a ton of questions I do not want to answer. And, I don't want to have someone new in my life to be accountable to.
I seriously think I have hit rock bottom.
I cannot believe the enormous amount of depression that fills my head.
I don't think anyone or thing can save me.

[Hope4me2]

jmo



hang in there and please stay with your appt and talk to your T openly about how your feeling.......you mean so much to us ALL here at PC so please take care

[(JD)]

Go see your pdoc. He can't pull information out of your brain. He can't make you do anything, nor say anything. But, once there, he might say something TO you that helps you. TC

[wisewoman]

I agree with Sky, you still have another day to make a final decision but for now maybe you will be surprised and someone can really help. It is a horrid place to be abd I am sorry for your pain. Another day, talk with the pdoc and be honest. Stay talkinging and being honest.

These are the words of a friend now departed;"sleep always makes things look a little brighter". If nothing else sleep. Rest your soul and be well. I again am so sorry for your pain.

[Eva1nder]

I'm so sorry to see you in so much pain.

You're hurting and it's so hard for you think clearly, but please don't isolate yourself. I'm glad you are posting and looking for support here. It may be hard to see now, but the best thing you can do is go to your pdoc appt and talk. Don't let go and stay to yourself...things just get more overwhelming.

Just know you're not alone. You're in my thoughts and I really hope you'll go to that appt.

*hugs*
Eva

[Hope4me2]

[Overcastbutclearing]

Yeah...I am gonna cancel my pdoc appt on Thursday. I don't want to feel guilty about lying so I am saying it here.
I am not telling my gf though.
I am so lost. Like a child who got lost at the amusement park...you are in a fun place but not having fun because you don't know which direction to turn in or who walking by you that you can trust. And as you keep trying to make contact or find safety you just keep going round and round getting no where.
I am really not sure about anything anymore.
I don't know if I can keep holding on.....

[Hope4me2]

praying for you.....

[Overcastbutclearing]

So, I went into the support chat room last night. friedgreymatter was very helpful. I put a lot of thought into how I have been feeling, what I have in life.
I have many supportive people IRL. I have a good job.
I am slowly getting over the fire that destroyed my apt on June 24th. We now have new furniture, etc. We are in a new place and starting to be settled.
I realized that I need to live, despite my feelings of wanting to die.
I realized I have to commit myself to the help my T is promising to provide to see me out of this pain.
I have issues with God, my mother, and several other things that rampage in my head.
My normal way of thinking is either in black or white.
So, right now I am in a white phase and I am trying to sort out everything to allow the help that is being provided to me.
It isn't easy for me. And the road is windy. And I may just be in a bad place again.
I wanted the people here who do PM me and reply to my posts that I am taking into consideration everything that is being offered.
My depression is deep. But, this morning, for whatever reason...I am starting to believe again.
I ask that you all bare with me because you never know when I will fall down deeper.

[Hope4me2]

[dayzee9]

((((((Heysj0401!! )))))

I don't think you sound "irrational" and you said your T said she understood what you were saying; maybe she's just expressing her frustration b/c she WANTS to help you...you're just not speaking the language....can you get this "thing" out on paper...then give it to her? But,hey gf You've been here before..I remember......
And furthermore, your post sounds perfectly rational to me It sounds, though, that you've lost faith in yourself!!

I can relate to your "doggie splattered on the side of the road, w/the barely audible pulse" You managed to crawl to the keyboard though and "puke some feelings out" That's a POSITIVE sign, IMO.......You know that lame saying, "I can feel your pain" ??Well, I may hate the saying, but it is how I feel............hang tight, sister.......and when you think that you've reached the end of your rope...tie a knot & KEEP POSTING! As long as you keep "puking", at least your head won't explode & hopefully, you'll "trust someone"

Peace, DAYZEE9

[Eva1nder]

(((((Susan))))))



Eva

[Overcastbutclearing]

So, I called my T earlier and told her she better eat her wheaties today because tonight at my session I have decided to just get everything out.
I am going to leave myself wide open for anything coming my way. I am not good doing this but I have to figure out somehting to keep myself alive.

[Hope4me2]

wishing you all the best tonight....keep us updated on how things go...

[dayzee9]

GO FOR THE GOLD!!!!!!



DAYZEE

[Overcastbutclearing]

Had my T appt last night. It went well. I did talk alot.
I am not sure if results will come as quickly for me as I need them too.
And it seems like I am just dealing with so many different things that bring me to my breaking point.
But, I am committing myself to listen to my T for now.
Whatever she says goes. That is all I can do to help me in this time.
Just wanted to update.

[Hope4me2]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sj401}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

so glad your giving things a chance with your T.....hang in there it takes time......wishing you the best and sending you lots of hugs

[(JD)]

Good for you! I was getting a little upset as I read down the thread, but to see that you did finally go and feel it went ok, that's encouraging. I'm sure FGM was also encouraging. Continue... one step at a time....