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  #1  
Old Jun 08, 2011, 01:45 PM
Anonymous33440
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I always feel guilty for posting on here, that's why I don't much. I feel like I shouldn't I dont know why. I read but never respond, I only post when I really desperately need it, which is now I guess. I'm 15, from the uk. I guess everything's building up again, I felt fine for the past week, I thought maybe these antidepressants were starting to work I felt genuinely great. But now I've hit a wall again and am at the worst stage of my mood cycle. It's the worst it's been in long long time. I told my camhs worker about all my thoughts and plans but she didn't seem to care. Well she seemed to a little bit, but seemed more annoyed if anything, she told my psychiatrist and they both gave me a lecture that I have to "work with them" etc etc. All I have tried to do is do exactly as they've asked because I want the old me back so badly. I feel torn between not wanting to hurt the people I love and not wanting to be the failure or let down, but then I hate having to live feeling so truly awful and not being happy about anything anymore anyway. I'm just constantly miserable but it's worse when my parents don't understand and they get irritated when I get bad, they say I'm just being spoiled or ungrateful and that I should just "snap out of it" but I've told them so many times it's not like that at all. My parents don't understand and dont even try to anymore. They never want to talk about it when I try to. I said to my dad that I'm sorry I'm like this and that I don't want to be, I don't control it and I really want it to go away. I know you think I'm ungrateful but I'm not, I am so grateful for everything they give me and I feel so guilty that I'm not really happy because I know that's how I should be. I said that to him he just patted my shoulder and carried on walking out the room so I started crying I couldnt control it and he didn't even look back he just went to watch tv. Sometimes the only thing I want is for them to give me a hug and say everythigs going to be alright but they don't. I think they're fed up of me now, my mum says I'm wearing the whole family down when I get bad. I feel so guilty when I get bad which makes it worse. I'm so scared of losing everyone I love because I push myself away from them when I get bad and I think by now everyones fed up of it. I told my friends this but only one of them said it was okay and they're here for me. I understand, it's nearly prom and the end of school and parties and all everyone wants is to have fun fun fun and they wouldn't want me ruining the happiness with my "depression" they don't want to have to think about it. I guess when I first started feeling bad when my first time in hospital for an odI had such a great support network and the people I love were so supportive and there for me. Now it's been going on for so long I feel like noones bothered anymore. I feel isolated from everyone, as if I'm not really significant and don't really matter.
I just feel like it's ruining everything and I'm running out of hope. I can't make it stop. The Prozac does a big fat nothing at all just makes me tired which doesn't help as I already had a no energy problem. The bottom line is I have felt suicidal for so long it always comes back again in a vicious cycle I can't get out of. I don't know what to do, nobody tells me. I ask but nobody gives me any productive advice. I spend hours telling the cahms people and psychiatrist everything, but after everytime I just feel like I've wasted my time it seems totally useless. But what else is there that could help it's the only thing. Meds and talking therapy. Does nothing. I don't know what to do I feel like I'm getting desperate, nothings changing. I'm sorry for wasting your time, like I said I don't like posting and bothering people but I don't have anyone who remotely understands to talk to right now. Jess.

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  #2  
Old Jun 08, 2011, 03:18 PM
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Hey there Jess,

You know you are not wasting anyone's time right! Don't think that for 1 minute.

You do need to work with CPN and Psych and I know you have been. Maybe you shoud ask CPN what else you can do to help yourself maybe its expressing your needs that you need help with.... this is fine Jess and nothing to be ashamed or worried about.

As for your family hmmm lol you know they probably are struggling too. Maybe ask CPN about talking to your folks and helping them see that its not your fault and that it's the depression that is making you feel miserable.

How have your exams going? Are you looking forward to your Proms? Jess I think you should try and see what your friends are doing and look forward to the Prom. I know you have been looking forward to it for weeks now.

What are you doing for the Summer? Are you going on any holidays? Is there anything inparticular you are looking forward to about the Summer?
  #3  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 12:40 PM
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Pippa texted me again today I don't know why I don't reply :/ things have been slightly better with family today which is a relief one less thing to worry about. My exams... I keep failing I can't concentrate, there's so much pressure because I'm predicted high grades and I just sit there and cant think. My psychiatrit is writing a letter to the exam board so idk. I'm not looking foward to summer that much really. Not having to go to school gives me less distractions. I never intended to live this long initially, so when I carry on it feels weird... Almost like I shouldn't be here. I don't know really I'm just confused about everything I feel like banging my head against the wall; but that just makes my head hurt.
  #4  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 12:59 PM
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Hey Jess,

Sorry to hear your not doing good. Why do you think you are not texting Pippa back? I am gald things are getting better with your Family... slightly is an improvement in it's own right lol. I bet you have done better than you think. That's great that your Psych is contacting the examination boards who knows Jess.

Maybe you can start planning for the Summer Jess. Give you something to do. Maybe going camping again.... but not with the same people. Spend more time with your Grandparents etc

Are you self harming again, or was it a figure of speech?
  #5  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 01:25 PM
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HI jess, I am quite a bit older than you, but can relate to what you say about wanting the old me back, not being able to snap out of it / make it stop, feeling isolated and that you don't matter, no energy and difficulty concentrating. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed by this stuff and like you have some really dark thoughts - it is hard to pull back from that place, but I have faith that oneday it will get better and I need to be around to find out. Also I try to remind myself that these thoughts are not "real", but they are part of the depression, they are the symptoms of depression in the same way that pain is a symptom of a broken leg. I know it is really hard, but just keep trying to chip away at it with the help of camhs and your pdoc. I see a T and he told me to keep going even if he turns all bad in my mind - again I guess this is what the depression can do. I am trying to study at the moment and the concentration thing is so hard and frustrating, but I tell myself I just need to be patient. Actually I just joined a gym today - it was really hard to get myself there, but it was sort of nice being nice to my body for a change, doing something that I knew was good for it.

Keep posting on here Jesse if it helps - you are not wasting anyone's time. Actually it is because of people posting on here that I felt encouraged to do the same, so in fact you are helping others by sharing your experiences. SD

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  #6  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 01:26 PM
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Well I never really stopped self harming, I know how much it upsets my parents and they've confiscated paractically loads to try and stop me, I just sometimes need it, I hide it as best as I can though. I don't know why but I've started doing this thing where I almost strangle myself, like cut off my air supply until my head starts ringing and my whole body tingled and I feel dizzy, then I stop. I think it's because I like the feeling of emptiness or something, or that I make myself stop is almost as if I havethe power to do it but I'm proving to myself I can stop it and not do it that I can fight it?
Hmm not sure if the exam board actually can do anything anyway, I'm over halfway through exams now idk.
I think If I tell pippa the truth I feel like I'm disappointing her, I feel like I should be getting better and that the meds should be working etc I just dont want to think I'm letting her down?
I'm just angry at myself, I thought I was "cured" last week, I had one of them moods again where I just was out of control. My family kept asking why I was being weird -- I'd just burst into dancing out of nowhere and stuff! I totally was great, I was really helpful and got loads of work done and even painted a while room by myself in a matter of hours! How did I let myself let go of that why cant my mood just be NORMAL always!? :/
Yeah, I've tried getting out more but it doesnt have the same helping effect it used to, now it makes me worse I get jelous of my friends or families happy moods and am like -- why cant I be like that again?? I feel like I can't talk, I tried visiting my grandma but I thought I was acting fine okay, but then she asked my mum what was wrong because I kept drifting into a world of my own - I didn't even realise I thought I was acting fine :/
How are you doing? Heard anything about the job interviews? xx
  #7  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 01:30 PM
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Thanks SD, It's comforting to know I'm not alone and when people can relate-- makes me feel less of a freak. And yeah people tell me that too, "that's just the depression talking" which seems weird, to me it feels like i'm controlling what im thinking not that anythings making it that way, I feel bad blaming the depression, as if it's just making excuses for myself. Thanks again. Jess.
  #8  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 01:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess95 View Post
Thanks SD, It's comforting to know I'm not alone and when people can relate-- makes me feel less of a freak. And yeah people tell me that too, "that's just the depression talking" which seems weird, to me it feels like i'm controlling what im thinking not that anythings making it that way, I feel bad blaming the depression, as if it's just making excuses for myself. Thanks again. Jess.
Yes sometimes I get really engulfed by the whole thing and forget to remind myself that it is just symptoms - it just feels like me being me - sort of like holding on to something in a wind tunnel and although it is hard, being able to hold myself back, but then getting tired and slipping into the wind tunnel and just being part of that whole experience, unable to escape again and just staying in it.

I wonder if you have tried any mindfulness stuff - I am starting to learn it and it is supposed to be good for depression.
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  #9  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 01:39 PM
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What's mindfulness stuff? And yeah I totally get you on that, jess.
  #10  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 01:41 PM
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Hey Jess,

I am unsure what the letter will do either sorry.... maybe they will make allowances I have no idea

I know the "I don't want to disappoint" attitude. I am the same with my CPN too. Well in fact everyone in my life. But maybe you need to let her in a bit more. I think you are shielding yourself from the what if's which is perfectly normal. But you do need her and her methods to help you fight your depression. Meds are 1 of them maybe this med isn't for you.... maybe you need to tell Pippa and Psych about this.

Self harming isn't the greatest huh!! Please be care ok, I need you to promise me that. Is your new way of self harming just a recent thing?

Meds and life does this.... they trick you into thinking your "cured" and life is great. Its a mixture of you and all of the above gelling together.

Your Family are probably a bit confused as to why your behaviour has changed. Its all good though Jess. You just said yourself "bursting into dancing" how long does this go on for? Does your Grandma know you have Depression?

I am ok Jess a bit down recently. I have my Medical and a 20 min interview tomorrow eeeek!!!!
  #11  
Old Jun 09, 2011, 01:52 PM
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Hey laura. I keep saying that I can't tell any difference from the meds, she just keeps saying it takes time to work, it has been nearly 3 weeks now though!
Yeah this is new for me. I think it started after I was looking suicide on the internet at what had the best chances of working (I wish I'd stop doing that!), and I did it the first time then. Plus my parents check I havnt self harmed so I wanted ways that maybe weren't obvious so they wouldn't know.
Mum seemed mostly confused, she asked if I thought my meds were working at the time I was like "YEAH I feel great!" then she said was I sure they weren't working too much, I was just like, maybe she's just not used to me being happy. My grandma knows yeah from when inwas in hospital, she doesn't try talk about it anymore since she came to visit menand I didn't want her to no so was like no! I don't want her here! :L I had like a week of being really happy and energised and wooohoo, I'd burst into dance or I actually went on the trampoline for like over an hour! (I havnt so much as looked at it in over a year I'm that lazy). That happiness always normally happens before I get to my worst though >.<
Aw I hope your okay. Good luck with it all!! xx
  #12  
Old Jun 10, 2011, 01:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess95 View Post
What's mindfulness stuff? And yeah I totally get you on that, jess.
It's something the NHS are using more for depression and anxiety - it needs to be taught by someone trained in it - but it's about being interested in your thoughts without judging them - a kind of "hmm that's interesting that I'm thinking that" and trying to accept your thoughts without being taken over ny them. I guess with all therapies / medicatiosn not everything works for everyone, but maybe it is something to dicusss with your CPN - I have found it useful at times when I can motivated myself to do it.
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  #13  
Old Jun 11, 2011, 02:54 AM
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Hey SD, Oh I might ask her about it if it could be useful, thanks. x
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Old Jun 11, 2011, 04:05 AM
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I just want to hide away today, my dad woke me up and when I told him i didn't sleep well and that i woke up at 2 3 and half 4 and couldnt get back to sleep so i was too tired he just said "oh dear" that's it. Then reminded me it's my friends birthday today and to get up. so I have to be surrounded by a bubble of ott fake happiness and act like I'm glad to be there. I'll be expected to sit in some restraunt and make stupid smalltalk to everyone there and all I want to do is cry and hide away. I know I can't not go, but I just want to lie and say I'm ill and sorry I can't come. Mum seems to think I'll enjoy myself once I'm out, but I know I won't. I just don't have the energy to put on a face and pretend to enjoy myself. How do I manage a whole day where I can't let my smile drop once!? I've hardly seen my friends since we left for exams, I just can't handle being surrounded by so much la la la. I can't help but be jelous of them all being so happy and seeming like everything is perfect in their lives, and thinking why can't I be happy like that again!? Its not fair that it makes me not as nice towards them, they don't understand so it will just seem to them like I'm being a ***** . I don't want to go, I don't want to get dressed I don't want to leave the house I don't want to do anything apart from cry and cry and die. Do you think she'd understand if I just cancelled? Lots of people are going so I doubt she'll miss me really. Plus cpn was hinting about changing my meds if they are still the same next week, I just wanted these to work straight away!
  #15  
Old Jun 11, 2011, 09:31 AM
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Hey Jess,

"Oh dear" hmmm.... your Dad is maybe unsure what to say to you? Cause it's your 1st time with disturbed sleep maybe you can keep a note of it just in case it happens again.

I wonder if you went to your Friend's meal? I really hope you did. I think once your there you will be ok.... it's the getting there that's the huge step huh!!

Do you think you might be able to have some fun with your friends and maybe meet up once or twice a week to chill out and have some fun. Might help lift your depression if your friend's were more involved too
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Old Jun 13, 2011, 10:44 AM
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My friends don't like being around me when I'm depressed so I feel like I can't be remotely not okay when I'm around them. Hey say that they dot like that they feel like they have to "look after me" :/ and that they dint know how to act. The meal was so difficult it's awful that I can't even handle meeting all my friends! Yeah I've kept a record of it in my "mood diary" for pippa. It's the third night now, it gets really late and I'm still busy busy busy. It's like I feel like I don't need to waste time with sleeping so I end up staying up stupidly late. I think it's gotten to the point where my emotions are just so extreme that when I'm happy I struggle to cope with it because its so overwhelming and exhausting and just doesn't feel right in a sense because I've gotten so used to being all depressed. I opened up to mum a bit finally. She said she's notices that I've been much better lately since I started the Prozac - we havnt argued for a start. I just feel like I'm going crazy to be honest I never know how to calm my self down when I get so worked up and stressed. Just ahh.
  #17  
Old Jun 13, 2011, 11:51 AM
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Hey Jess,

That's great your Mum is talking to you about your moods though.... major step in the right direction huh!!

Tell Pippa when you see her on Thursday about the Birthday meal and say how you ACTUALLY feel. Write it down if needs be.

Your friends are still all young.... your all 15-16 years old right? Still young. You might need to educate them a bit about depression. I know I have had to do this with my friends.

When do your exams finish?
  #18  
Old Jun 14, 2011, 01:29 AM
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Yeah I'm glad I can open up more with mum, I still feel guilty about it though. I texted pippa last night So just waiting to had back from her. My last exam is next Friday woohoo I only have 8 left, but only 6 after today! I've tried to get my friends to understand but im just at the point now where i accept that people wont understand :/
Man I feel like im so all over the place, is it normal for prozac to make you go from one extreme to the other crazily?? Its confusing, I don't want to be on it anymore I don't think!!
hope your okay! xx
  #19  
Old Jun 14, 2011, 12:34 PM
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Hey Jess,

I am unsure about the Prozac as I was only on it for about 3 weeks and that was nearly a year ago.

Hope you enjoy your last 6 exams lol they will be over in no time.

Has Pippa gotten back to you yet?

How are you feeling now?
  #20  
Old Jun 15, 2011, 01:11 AM
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Hey, pippa hasnt gotten back to me, normally she'll ring me and I won't have much to say though. I decided to talk to mum in a bit though about it all and see what she thinks, not sure what to expect though I'm half expecting her to say that its a ridiculous idea and no way etc. Not sure how I feel, my moods are all over the place in a single day I feel every mood under the sun so it's confusing! How are you doing? Hope you're okay, xx
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