[jen29]

I feel like I am falling down faster and faster as the minutes pass by each day. I know I have reasons to be sad because of my grandfather's passing and the anniversary of my brother's death. This doesn't feel like just saddness though. I don't smile or laugh at all unless it's fake. I see no reason to smile lately. To really break me down today my car died. Had no money to replace the battery but my dad and mom helped me out and for that I am grateful. I had to miss a couple appts today and one is rescheduled for tomorrow.

I have started the SI behavior again after a couple of weeks without doing anything like that. Now it's daily again. It hasn't been a daily thing for a long time, just feels I need to hurt myself in order to feel better. Of course it only feels better for a little while before the thoughts get dark and deep again.

I have been sleeping a lot. I used to get maybe 45 min a night and now am not up more than 6-8 hours a day. I don't feel like being awake. When am asleep I don't hurt and don't have the thoughts. I feel it's almost safer for me to be asleep then to be awake. My social worker says she worried cause I sleep so much and that am going down hill fast again. I just tell her it's easier to just sleep.

I hardly eat anything now. Even when went to my grandfather's funeral there was all us cousins and aunts and uncles and they kept saying that I look so good cause have lost a lot of weight. I have no appetite, they kept asking me how I was doing it....I really had no good answer for them. I barely drink anything either, just sprite and when am really down I drink alcohol.

I can't take me anymore, and don't want to hurt anymore. I don't feel like I belong in the hospital cause there really isn't anything anyone can do for me anymore. I feel that there is no hope out there for me and that it's time to stop and give up. I used to worry when I get in this frame of mind but this time it's different. Almost like I won't have to worry anymore and won't have to go to all the different treatment providers I go to at this time.

Thanks for listening and sorry it was so long. I feel like I have failed everyone here and all the people that say they care about me.

hugs,
Jen

[Onward2wards]

((((( Jen ))))) I have been feeling similarly. At least my appetite isn't affected and I'm trying to fight the good fight, but it gets wearing. I know how you feel.

[unaluna]

There's no time limit on your reactions, how long it takes you to process all this. It's taking me 10 freakin years to cheer up. Maybe I could have done better. Maybe this IS better. Ya know?

It's a long hard struggle for some of us. And just to make it a little harder, sometimes the rules change in the middle of the game just when you think you might have it figured out. It's the same game though, depression... don't quit... hang on and adjust.
You can do it.

[lagurl1997]

I totally relate.
I don't care anymore, and I sleep more like 10 hours day.
I take ambien.
And Xanax.
I hate this.

[jen29]

Thanks all for your support and understanding.
hugs
Jen

[RJ78]

Hey Jen, I totally get it. I'm not in that place right now, but I totally get it.

Big hugs to you,

RJ

[Fuzzybear]

[jen29]

I can't stand myself any longer. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so horrible about me and everything I represent. I stayed in bed much of the day cause these feelings are soooo overwhelming and too much to handle.

I saw my T yesterday and she knows how I think of myself. We talked about what the positive things are about me. Well we made a list and she came up with every one of them because I can't think of anything positive about me. Then we said the negative followed by a more positive spin on the negatives. I found it helpful until I woke up today. Now I feel so much more hatred for myself than I have in a long time.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like hurting myself so much as a punishment to make me a better person. I know that isn't how it works and most of this has to come from within. How do I fight when I can't stand myself?

Thanks for listening,
Jen

[jen29]

Sorry it's me again.
I can't do anything right. I can't think right, I can't drink right, I can't talk right. I am the worst person in this world. I want out so much. I deserve to be gone and
everyone to be at ease and have no worry about me. Everyone would be much better off!!!!

[awebb198488]

Originally Posted by jen29

Sorry it's me again.
I can't do anything right. I can't think right, I can't drink right, I can't talk right. I am the worst person in this world. I want out so much. I deserve to be gone and
everyone to be at ease and have no worry about me. Everyone would be much better off!!!!

(((((((jen))))))))) Hang in there!

[RJ78]

Hey Jen,

How has your day been?

RJ

[jen29]

My day has been full of self-hatred. Couldn't get out of bed till almost 3pm today. My social worker called and said use your skills and what's on your crisis plan. I know I use my skills cause am still here. Guess she can only understand so much with me. That's alright cause I don't understand it all either. I just have these days which turn into weeks and months of self-hatred and wanted to punish myself so much.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts and support
Jen

(((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))

I have always found you to be a wonderful friend here on PC. I have seen you support others who've been as low as you are now.

You are a beautiful person, and you are in my thoughts. Please feel free to pm me anytime you need someone to listen? I do a good "positive affirmation" deal too

Anything I can do to help...I am here for you, love you, you are a rare person, (((Jen)))

Love, hugs...you deserve them even if you don't think so, and you are more than worthy of a life filled with treasured friends, experiences, feelings...virago/theo

[shezbut]

((((((jen)))))))

I definitely understand your misery. My heart just aches for you!

I know that you are a very good person. I wish that you could feel that inside right now. You have been dealing with a lot of sorrow ~ I can understand your strong desire to escape these horrible emotions inside. Things will slowly become easier as time passes and you continue working through your thoughts and feelings.

I wish that I could be there to talk with you and lend you my shoulder. I'll just have to settle for that to be done here. Please feel free to PM me anytime. Very gentle hugs wished your way. You do deserve the love, care, and genuine concern so many people in this world have for you!

Jen,
I wish I had some magic words or something to help you thru all this!
I have had a few bouts with self hatred and wanting to just be gone so I don't have to deal with all of this anymore.
I have a daughter, and she is what keeps me going when I want to give up.
I wish I could show up, knock on your door, give you some flowers and a big hug and tell you it will be ok.
Based on what I have read you have some big fans here at PC and they all support you and wish you the best. I am new around here but I can read, and you have so much worth to so many people!
Hang in there Jen!
Sending you good vibes...peace...love :-D

[jen29]

Thanks so much to you all for the continued support and words of comfort.
Today is a little better day. I slept till almost 2 today and then went out with my dad to the store. He is a wonderful dad, both my parents and step-parents are
wonderful.

I have been trying to do some soul searching and trying to find some answers to what I did to have to live this way. I have been coming up with things that need to talk to T about, so have been writting them in my journal. I don't see my T again till the 2nd week in January and I know it's going to be hard not being able to get support from her for a while.

I am trying to think a little differently and finding that lasts for a little while just to almost go down further than was before if that's even possible. I am trying to just enjoy the upcoming holidays and being able to spend some time with my family and enjoy them.

Thanks again to you all. I am lucky to have this many people really care about me here on PC.

Hugs,
Jen

[unaluna]

Hey don't forget we are pretty good sleepers, she wrote sideways from her bed at 5 pm. I told my T yesterday that they always say about really old Italians, "he or she still enjoys her food." I told T I still enjoy my food, I understand now why they say that. It took me until now , age 60, to poop right, like every day as soon as I get up. I never thought that would happen so who knows what else good could happen?

[RJ78]

Hey Jen,

I'm glad to hear that you're having a better day. Please continue to let us know how things are going, and enjoy your time with your family!

RJ

[jen29]

So I wrote earlier that am having a better day. Well that's all over with and it's time to get ready to go to bed. I am supposed to take my meds and it's supposed to help me. I think it's a bunch of bull that these meds are supposed to help me feel better. I didn't take my meds this morning partly cause I wasn't up until the afternoon and partly cause I am sick of them. I just had a med increase and it has given me tremors that I don't like....but all meds have side-effects that have to live with right?? I don't want to take my meds tonight either, but then will probably be up all night and that won't start the holidays off very good for me.

I am so torn right now. I was able to shut my feelings off for today and now they all come back. I don't really know what am supposed to do. I am on a 6 month commitment and am court ordered to take my meds along with some other things. I hate that I have this commitment right now however, I don't have a choice so just have to live with that too.

Sorry am so negative, I am sorry if I bum people out.

Hugs,
Jen

[roads]

Originally Posted by jen29

I can't stand myself any longer. I hate myself so much right now. I feel so horrible about me and everything I represent. I stayed in bed much of the day cause these feelings are soooo overwhelming and too much to handle.

I saw my T yesterday and she knows how I think of myself. We talked about what the positive things are about me. Well we made a list and she came up with every one of them because I can't think of anything positive about me. Then we said the negative followed by a more positive spin on the negatives. I found it helpful until I woke up today. Now I feel so much more hatred for myself than I have in a long time.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like hurting myself so much as a punishment to make me a better person. I know that isn't how it works and most of this has to come from within. How do I fight when I can't stand myself?

Thanks for listening,
Jen

What do you stand for that you don't like?
Maybe if you start there, it would help. What bad do you stand for?

[jen29]

I feel that am a burden to everyone, especially my family. I also feel like I am a burden to society cause I can't work and have been living on gov't help since was 19. I most of the time feel like I am the worst person in the world. I have done many bad things, like hurt my family and friends. I was a horrible kid and was mean to my mom a lot while growing up. I was mean to my siblings and now one of them is gone. I feel like that is so my fault...not for being mean but for still being alive.

[roads]

Yet we see how you suffer so and work so hard to support your family and hold the little ones together through all the traumas. Do you see that? * gentle hugs *

[jen29]

Thanks Roadie
No I don't see that, all i see is how horrible I am. I don't really see any positive in me anymore...and I don't know if I ever did see that in myself.

[RJ78]

You seem like a kind and thoughtful person, at least from what you write here. And the "bad" things you list that you've done to others would be in everybody else's list. I know how hard that can be to see for us, but you just seem like a sweet person.

RJ