Falling down

I'm in so much physical pain right now, Jen, than the whole world looks black to me. I wonder whether you are hurting so much from all you've lost that that pain is making you look ugly to you as the world looks ugly to me.

Pain that goes so deep and never seems to stop affects everything. I'm trying to understand (with my pdoc's held) that what I see isn't true. I don't think what you're seeing is true, either. * gentle hugs *

Thanks so much for Roadie,
I am sorry you are hurting so much. Pain sucks no matter what kind of pain we are in.
I'm not sure if am in pain or denial or both.
I feel like I am going crazy. I wish it all to end so very soon.

I'm just tossing out a suggestion here but... if you think you've done so many people wrong maybe you could make it a mission to atone or make amends?
I don't know that you have anything to atone for or anything you may need to make amends for but it may still be beneficial.

You have shared with us what it is that has brought you to this space. I am sorry you are suffering as you are. I understand not being able to see positives and feeling emotional pain. I hope you can glide out of the darkness, as Roadie stated and resolve your pain. We would be more enriched with your input here at PC. (((jen29)))

(((jen)))

I can relate to the pain and guilt that you're feeling inside. I am on disability as well, and have really struggled with dark thoughts that I'm a huge burden to society and family. This fact weighs on me heavily. I tried to work part-time, I really enjoyed it for a bit, but then my emotional world became a lot worse. I couldn't handle working any more.

Like Roadie, my doctors are trying to get me into thinking in a different way. From their perspective, I don't deserve all of this shame that I carry inside. Getting into a different mindset isn't an overnight process, of course. So, I like to tell myself that I'm on the road to getting better. Recovery from my inner hell. The shame is a tough emotion to manage. That takes openly talking with T's and pDocs ~ yet still being emotionally accepted by them (like Roadie and lots of us are doing).

I do think that George had a really good idea (if you honestly & deeply feel that you didn't treat your family very well during youth) in apologizing to your mom and siblings. I am sure that they'll accept your sincere apology and that ought to really lift some of the guilt that you feel inside.

Gentle hugs to you jen ~ you're in my thoughts.

Thanks again everyone.

For the making amends part I actually have tried doing this with my family. I have appologized for the bad stuff and for being a bad daughter and sister. I appologized for the way I treated my mom during the divorce and being a hard person to deal with while I was growing up. Maybe I should try again.

It's the holidays now so things are kinda tough but making it through little by little. Going to my mom's for christmas tomorrow and probably going to be spending the night. Will be the first in a long time that will just be mom mom and my siblings and family and of course my step-dad. Will also be the first time I get to spend the whole day there. I hope things will be ok and that I can keep my feelings and emotions pushed down.

I got a scrap book from my step-mom full of my brother (whom passed away last year) pictures and of the family. Was so nice and of course the tears came down. Was a little uncomfortable crying in front of her and dad.

Thanks again,
Jen

It sounds like a wonderful gift from your mom, Jen, full of love. Try to accept it completely with open arms as your gift of love to her ... I think that would mean so much to her.
* gentle hugs *
Roadie

The holiday went well but still feeling awful. I don't understand and I know things aren't going to be better. I am going to see my brother's kids tomorrow with my dad and step-mom. Will be nice to see them especially my niece Chole. I am going to love them up as much as possible and then let them go. I think it's time to say good-bye to them as will possibly be the last time I see them.

I can't take me anymore and I can't be like this. I am feeling at peace with the decision and feel it's the best thing for me and my family especially.

Thanks to everyone for your support and kindness.
Hugs,
Jen

Really, Jen? I have never wanted to set such an example for my nephew, for him to see it as a real option. I strive to set a good example, even if a little goofy.

Jen, do you understand that your friends and family will feel that it's their fault if you do something you can't take back? They'll feel like they should have done more ... that they have failed you. A lot of us here have felt we might be doing our loved ones a favor if they didn't have to bother about us, but for some reason they don't see it that way.
Please don't do something that can't be undone. You don't want to be beyond reach. Your brother is beyond reach, and that's broken your heart ... that is never the right answer, Jen. * very gentle hugs *

My dearest Jen, your brother's suicide has sent you reeling. Do remember that his suicide was his decision and not your fault. I don't know your whole story but you mentioned you don't want to be a burden to others and that you were mean to some of your family but that does not seem so bad to me. Is there something else that is bothering you? (You don't have to answer if you don't want to)

Jen,

I know that my words may feel insignificant and meaningless to you, at this time in your life. But, try to pull yourself back just a little bit.

Sometimes, there are some very deep lows that we have to push ourselves (grinding our teeth) through, but things will become more easy again ~ even some happy times! You have to keep pushing yourself though. Even if you don't like it. Do you know why? Because a lot of people do love you. They don't want to see you miserable, no. But they sure as heck don't want to see you take your life! That is the truth. Just because you are feeling peaceful with the decision, that does not mean that it's the right decision.

PLEASE get help NOW ~ you absolutely deserve and need help from professionals to get you through this really rough part of your life.

I was rushing to the vet when I wrote my reply. Jen, anyone who worries about being a burden would certainly not be one. You have always been so caring and considerate. and we all say and do things we regret. We are just human.

How are you feeling today?

Still feeling the same maybe a lite worse
Didn't sleep last night and now am on my way to see the kids. Still going to love them up as Mich as possible and said my good byes. I feel this is the best decision for everyones sake.

I don't have the.will or the way to fight anymore
I see. My social worker tomorrow morning.

Hugs
Jen

Still feeling the same maybe a little worse.
Didn't sleep last night and now am on my way to see the kids. Still going to love them up as Mich as possible and said my good byes. I feel this is the best decision for everyones sake.

I don't have the.will or the way to fight anymore
I see. My social worker tomorrow morning.

Hugs
Jen

Since you're so sure it's the right decision for everyone, please tell everyone so they can get from you whatever they may want/need while they still can.

What made you decide your brother made the right choice in killing himself? Are you going to tell his children it's a good thing he's dead? And that suicide is a good choice? Or let them figure that out on their own?

I don't understand & I think they'll have questions. I hope you stick around long enough to answer them.

Roadie

I'm so sorry you are feeling worse Jen. You said you don't understand. Could part of your pain be from survivor's guilt?

I don't know what else to say except I care..

Did you see your social worker as planned, Jen?
Have you thought about the problems your plan will leave for the others any more?

Please get help, Jen. All the pain is making it hard for you to think about things clearly.
*gentle, quiet hugs*
Roadie

I see the social worker in a few hours. I have thought about it a lot and I don't want to keep hurting my family and putting them through my crap. I have thought about going into the hospital only to find myself thinking about the 40 times I have been in and out and it isn't working. I know some may be hurt and mad at me but it will be one last hurt and then no more.

With my brother there wasn't anything I could do because I wasn't there, it's the fact that I should've been gone first and if I would of suceeded any one time the possibliity of him still being here is very high.

Maybe I do have survivors guilt at the same time I feel that am over my brother's death. I don't know anymore...it's all confusing to me.

hugs,
Jen

Deep, prolonged pain causes confusion like that. When you see your social worker, maybe the two of you can sort it out together ... That's why they say two minds work better than one, huh? * gentle hugs, my thoughts are with you *
Roadie

Not judging here, just relating..I know someone who killed herself and it affected her family, especially her daughter, greatly and probably forever. still I can understand why you want to die. I know you have tried for so long to get help. I can understand why you feel so tired of it all. You feel you have caused such pain to your loved ones, how about if you try to make amends? Will that ease your heavy heart a little? I recently posted about finally realizing that depression is sometimes suppressed anger. What about people who have wronged you? Have you been able to direct your anger towards them?

I saw my social worker today and have to call the local crisis line 4 times a day to check in with them until Monday. I find this really annoying. I had 2 other choices, go to crisis bed or go to the hospital. So i chose calling. If I miss a call they will call me and if they can't get ahold of me they will send law enforcement.

As far as making ammends I have been doing this most of my adult life. I have appologized for how I was growing up many times to my family. As far as for the people that have wronged me I don't know exactly how to explain it. As far as I'm concerned I deserved everything that has happened to me. I some how have myself believed that I was such a bad kid and continue to be a bad person that I deserve all the bad things.

I'm sorry to everyone here for not being a good member or friend here at pc. The struggling continues and the thoughts continue to go in the dark path sometimes I feel like I can't get out of it. I'm not sure what am supposed to do with myself now.

I told my social worker I would have gone to the hospital if didn't have 1 more christmas and have bills that have to get on payday which is in the next week and she didn't know if could be out by then. I just feel like I am stuck. I know hospital isn't the answer and doesn't help me. I wasn't going to go to a crisis bed cause that was just way to scarey to me.

Sorry I put my problems out here and cause worry.

hugs,
jen

((((((((((((Jen!))))))))))) no need to apologize!!! You are in great pain...as Roadie and Terry have said...I feel it is imperative for you to address this business of Survivor Guilt You seem to be besieged with!

Dreadful feeling, also very normal part of the grieving process. (((Jen))) You never "deserved" any of the bad things others did to you in your life! NO!

We are all worthy of love...especially those of use who can see where we may have hurt someone else..those of us who look inside ourselves and see all the darkness--We have all got our mistakes, our bad behaviors of the past... there is no way any of us is without an "unkind" deed or thought...

I found this for you:

http://www.healingheart.net/articles...ges_guilt.html

I like the "empty chair" idea..please pm me if you need???

((((((((((Jen))))))))))) "this, too, shall pass"! We love you! xo!

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate all of you.

hugs,
jen

not sure if this will help but here is a link--

https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/...-to-you.23977/