[IcryWhoAmI]

Been feeling a bit alright Just a bit though.
Just broke my glasses by sitting on them Well done me.

[tigersassy]

Feeling amazing. Vacation is going really well. Sunday is the last day then back to reality and work. Staying in a hotel tonight which is a splurge (we've been camping the rest of this week). Dr put me on buspar for anxiety which seems to be helping. And I can officially say this is the best I've felt in a long time. I'm hoping that I can stay up for a long time.

[Nammu]

down....

....down....

,,,,glub.

[Rachel.i]

Been going out a lot, not places we have to walk too far 'cause I'm up for surgery. Got in an unfortunate argument with my husband over my bringing up my sibling "Jerry" and his forever psychopathic maneuvers. Well, I had to confront Jerry a couple weeks ago about trying to talk my Alzheimer's dad into giving him Power of Attorney. I didn't relish it, but that would be a disaster. Jerry could steal everything all over again and leave them with nothing. Only I have POA, and just because my parents asked me to about 15 years ago. I don't want their things, and I have dibs on nothing, except their old clock and mailbox. Worth maybe $10. Jerry, of course, has all their expensive stuff promised to him.

So, my husband said he's sick to death of Jerry's BS, doesn't want Jerry's name brought up taking time and killing enjoyment in our relationship. I understand that; 30 years of Jerry's crap, since we were kids, in which he's done so many criminal/outrageous things, to us, and many others. But he got SO mad, which he usually doesn't, and called me by my father's first name. Then he left for work.

I texted him that it was sh**ty and hurtful to call me a man's name who battered me so often that my mom made me move out when I was 15 for my own safety.

I know he forgot that because I've rarely spoken of it in our near-30 year marriage.

I think he's trying to make it up to me though..

Damn people like Jerry make life so much harder for others... and I'm the overconscientious type, easy pickens for those like him... but my eyes have been opening....some people in the fam are still under his spell (i.e. being manipulated by his expansive bag of crazy-making tactics).

Anyway, stress city. I hate this crap.

[gracez]

I had an hour or two out of the blue today when I felt "ok", kind of neutral, not happy but not negative and hopeless. It was weird. Then it ended and now I'm screaming inside my head, hating everything like usual and already bummed that tomorrow is another day I'll have to make it thru. I walked to the supermarket tonight because there's no food in the house but I couldn't develop an interest in any food, walked out with just bananas.

Well, I'm glad that the work week is over now. It seems like it's been a very weird week. Last night I got an email from my brother that was not very nice. Well, that's not unusual. It's pretty frequent coming from him. And then about 3AM I had a nightmare. It was the first time I've had one in a long time. I woke up and was fighting to sleep because I didn't want to re-live it.

When I got into work, I noticed that a strange truck was parked in the parking lot. The truck was parked in an area that was closed down. I told the security guard about it and he just said that it was a closed area and there's nothing that can be done. He was so grumpy about it. He's a kind of guy that nobody likes. I thought, 'oh good this is going to be a lovely day'! Fortunately the day turned out OK.

At lunchtime a guy that I don't talk to that much was waiting to use the toaster oven in the lunchroom that I was using. He was OK about waiting, but while waiting he was asking me questions that I was not comfortable with. Such as: do I live alone? Where's my family? Why did you move far away from them? I had to leave because it was getting too personal. For the record, I moved far away from my family because of a better life for me from where I came from and also the abuse I got from them. I didn't want to get into that with that guy.

I got home from work and worked out. The workout went well. Went to the hot tub and it didn't start off so good, but the people I didn't like left shortly after I got in.

So that's my day!

[Bark]

I'm so glad to hear that some people have felt at least a little bit better. It's those moments that help you get through. I remember when I was depressed all the time, I had a rare day or couple of hours where I didn't hate myself. Those moments are precious.

As for those who aren't doing so well, big hugs.

sidestepper, if you're still feeling dissociated from everything, maybe find something that can help ground you? Go to a garden or park, feel the tree bark, watch the birds, feel the breeze... it might help.

[herethennow]

i dreamt about si the other day... that triggered everything and i couldn't hold back

had a volunteer session today... anhedonia didn't creep up on me (as it usually would). i truly felt a part of it... but why is it now i feel so empty? i feel so.. down... it's always like this. for a moment of contentment, you'll have many moments of darkness before you get that contentment. i feel like giving up. i'm so lost. what do i really want?

i want to see T but i can't see her... been 3 weeks since i last saw her and i need to wait for another 2 weeks. this is really taking a toll on me. *sigh*

[shortandcute]

I am so upset! I just went to an A.A. meeting this morning, and apparently one guy thought I said I started drinking again and totally ripped into me after the meeting. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tigerlily84]

Haven't been here much on this thread lately. I'm sorry about that. Hugs to everyone that is feeling down.

Things have been okay I guess. I saw a psychiatrist who recommended a day program and Lexapro. The Lexapro is fine but my insurance sucks and covers next to nothing so it's just not feasible. I have no doubt that it would help me out though. The pdoc said that I have to have a physical before he prescribes any meds. Just the thought of that makes my head hurt. I have no motivation right now to find a dr, make the appt and then to go to the appt.

What else has happened? Oh, I've lost interest in eating and I've lost 15 pounds within 2 months. Which doesn't sound too bad, but I'm underweight now. In a way I don't really care. I kind of wish I would just disintegrate to nothingness.

I have this habit of making friends with older women. Women who could be my mother. And I finally figured it out. I think it's because my own mother and my stepmom have dished out so much emotional abuse that I look for people to "mother" me. Is that weird or what? I'm in my late 20's so I should be able to take care of myself. I don't have a lot of friends my age. I never have. My T is actually a few years younger than me but she exhibits the same traits that I wish my mom would show towards me. So I have gotten attached to her. Is this transference? I think so. It only makes it worse that my T will be leaving on June 28th, so we only have a few sessions left. Sigh.

Sorry this post is all over the place topic-wise! I guess I have a lot on my mind. :/

[phaset]

I've had a rough day. Still really raw from yesterday. My wife and I went out for supper yesterday and went shopping after. Had a hard time in the store and just wanted to get out of there. More shopping today, felt the same.

When we got home I laid down in the bedroom. I just wanted to be alone. After a few hours she came in and kept asking me what's wrong then got mad when I wouldn't tell her. I wish I could talk about it with her but I always put up a wall.

I am so frustrated with myself. I wish none of this is happening.

Originally Posted by phaset

I've had a rough day. Still really raw from yesterday. My wife and I went out for supper yesterday and went shopping after. Had a hard time in the store and just wanted to get out of there. More shopping today, felt the same.

When we got home I laid down in the bedroom. I just wanted to be alone. After a few hours she came in and kept asking me what's wrong then got mad when I wouldn't tell her. I wish I could talk about it with her but I always put up a wall.

I am so frustrated with myself. I wish none of this is happening.

Phaset,
I want to encourage you to talk with your wife. I shut mine out for years and now we are separated and headed for divorce. I wish I had talked to her but I also put up walls, thinking she would laugh at me or ridicule me.
She tells me that she wishes I had talked to her before the damage was done.
Put on your bravest face and share with her. If she really loves you then she will listen and be a wife to you...give her that chance!

[onionknight]

It's Saturday night, and I'm alone in my darkened house. I cleaned some so at least there's some order, but my mind is more active than my actual life.

[Sadeyes3533]

Had a bad ending to my day feeling down and very alone. Days like this reminds how much I'm fighting a losing battle. Things will never get better.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Bark

I'm so glad to hear that some people have felt at least a little bit better. It's those moments that help you get through. I remember when I was depressed all the time, I had a rare day or couple of hours where I didn't hate myself. Those moments are precious.

As for those who aren't doing so well, big hugs.

sidestepper, if you're still feeling dissociated from everything, maybe find something that can help ground you? Go to a garden or park, feel the tree bark, watch the birds, feel the breeze... it might help.

Thanks for the reminder Bark. I do need to get out my tool box of coping strategies. My cat is a pretty good grounder when I let him do his stuff. I've been shutting myself away in my room where he isn't allowed, he does come to the door and lets me know he's out there.

[herethennow]

everything is a farce... just started on volunteer work (which i've been wanting to do all my life) and while i do enjoy it... it feels really empty inside.

[phaset]

I'm feeling better today.

Had lunch with my parents. It went ok. No more obligations for the day.

Thanks SpiritOfAStorm, this is something I'm trying to change, but am having great difficulty with.

[bluedolphin92]

Vacation was alright, I guess. I tried my best to enjoy myself, and there were times when I actually kind of did. I think my parents noticed that I seemed disinterested in almost everything, they kept asking me if I was enjoying myself. They still don't know I'm depressed, though I'm sure they're beginning to suspect SOMETHING. Part of me is kind of glad to be home. It gets exhausting having to be around my parents all the time, having to pretend that I'm perfectly okay. I don't know why I want to hide my depression from them so much. I guess because I know they'll want to talk about it and I just don't want to talk about it with them.

I've been thinking so much about transferring schools it's driving me insane. I keep thinking about how I had planned to wait until graduate school to get away from home, but I honestly don't know if I can wait that long. Not to mention that if I can't get into grad school right away I'll be stuck here for god knows how long. I feel awful for wanting to get away from my parents. Other people have parents who are abusive or negligent and all mine have ever done is love me and care for me. At one point on vacation my mom asked me, "You don't hate us, do you?" It really hurts to hear her say that. She doesn't even know about my desire to get away from home. How can I tell her now? She thinks I hate her. Hearing me say I want to get away from home would crush her. I feel like a spoiled teenage brat for wanting nothing more than to get away from them. But I can't help it. It's strange, as a pre-teen/teenager I never went through that phase where I hated my parents or wanted to run away from home or what have you. Now here I am 20 years old and I feel like a dumb, spoiled child for feeling the way I do about my parents. I still love them, I really do. I just want to be independent and I want to be further away from them.

But then I wonder if it even matters either way. I worry that if I stay at home at the same school it will just continue to be the same old pointless, depressive bull-crap day after day, month after month, year after year...But would I actually be able to have success making a new start in a new city/school? I can fantasize about it all I want. In my head I can so clearly see myself being completely happy in a new place. But at the same time I can just as easily see everything going wrong and me being even worse than I was before.

[don964964]

hope every one had a good day

mine started as usual. very lonely, depressed, angry.
my girls called for fathers day that was nice I miss them.
this feeling of just wanting to go home is overwhelming, I wish I had somewhere to go.... all the kids have there own lifes and family's ..
it breaks my heart for the grand kids that allways came here for june every year.
trying to explane to them I cant do it now... they miss there grandmother so much.
and I am so lost without her...
it helps to have found this site.

I took some of the quiz tests things.... I more screwed up then I thought lol
doesn't everyone see dead people ? ghosts .... the other dimension ?

oh well till next time

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by don964964

it helps to have found this site.

Hello don....Sounds like you're dealing with some tough things. I haven't been on a few days, so I believe we're just meeting for the first time Just wanted to say "welcome", glad you've joined us, and looking forward to seeing you around more in the future ~whimsy

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Sadeyes3533

Days like this reminds how much I'm fighting a losing battle. Things will never get better.

Hi Sadeyes....So sorry you're hurting like this When you say that things will never get better makes me so sad, because I've certainly been in a similar place. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I try my best to remember that when I think things like that it's because the demon (depression) is controlling my thoughts ~feelings, and he does not care about anyone. Shame on him, because what he tells us is NOT the truth, no matter how much it may feel that way at times. From my own experience I will just say that I have felt that complete lack of hope....for quite a while...and now I am not as bad. Still struggling at times, but not where I was before, and am able to see glimmers of hope more often. I pray that some kind of relief comes for you as soon as possible... ~whimsy

It's been a fairly interesting last couple of days for me. I didn't check in yesterday, but I will talk about yesterday for me a little bit. My sister called me and we didn't talk very long. After ten minutes she said something that was upsetting and I didn't agree with her. I got upset and just decided to end the call. On top of that she sounded very "out of it".

Last night at the hot tub at where I live, I got talking to a couple of young guys from Syria. I've known them for a while and they are pretty nice guys. They were asking me why don't I have a woman to go out with. I told them that I have not found someone that I'm compatible with. And then they gave me suggestions on where to go (including Brazil) to get a woman. I really hate conversations like that.

This morning my sister called me and apologized for yesterday. That was nice of her, but she still sounded out of it. And then she abruptly had to hang up on me because something came up. I don't know what it was. She didn't seem upset with me when it happened. With her it always seems like there's some kind of crisis going on. She never called back to tell me what happened.

I took a long bike ride today. That went well. But nothing much after that.

[Nammu]

I just spent a couple hours deleting un-needed emails and opening unanswered emails from Jan until now. Feels great to get that done. Only two left to do, both hard ones including an unopened one from my T that I up and quit in Jan.

I can't see a way out of this, I really can't. It's become so much a part of who I am.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I can't see a way out of this, I really can't. It's become so much a part of who I am.

Hang in there, that is the illness talking that makes it hard to see a way out.