[lindammarie]

Trying to stay numb.

trying to fake ok till it really becomes ok. trying to reestablish a proper resonance at the heart center. although the feeling of a 9 inch nail from crown to forehead is still there.

and I have not much to say in trying to complete a job self-review right now. grrreat timing.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by notablackbarbie

Destroyed today
Slept in, late for appointment, late to call in, not working today, another fight in the house, angry at each other, angry angry angry...
...I am a fraud a hypocrite a screwup a waste, I hate me I hate this I hate me
It is all my ****ing fault, all I am is a stupid wretched worthless *****


Can't leave my mom and sis to this anymore...yet its all my fault still and just make everything worse. I am so screwed up, no escape, hate me hate me hate me

When I read your post, I was struck by how familiar it sounded. I could put myself in your place and fit almost perfectly. It's so familar, in fact, that I don't think you're all those things. I don't know you, I can't say, but my guess is that you care so much and you try so hard, and yet you feel like all you're doing is hurting those you love and messing things up. Am I right? Take a moment to just sit and breathe. If you keep a journal or even if you just have paper laying around, write and keep writing about how you're feeling. Write what you think of yourself, then imagine you knew someone who thought those exact things about themselves—what would you say to them? If I'm right about you being a caring person, you probably would find reasons why that hypothetical person is not a hypocrite, not a waste, not a screwup. Write down what you would tell them. Now the depression will make you think that you are somehow different from this person, that you are inherently always at fault. But remember that this is the depression talking. It's your mood influencing your state of mind. notablackbarbie, it's not all your fault.

For everyone, many, many hugs, and I hope the waves of depression recede soon.

herethennow, how many medications have you been on? How long have you been in therapy? I've been seeing counsellors for years and I've been on seven or so different medications in the past year. You may have been through more, but I just wanted to say I understand how tough it is, but that you have to stay hopeful, keep going no matter how hard it is. I'm rooting for you. I'm rooting for everyone else here. For those that haven't had a good day in a long time, I hope you get at least a few hours of reprieve—I used to cherish those.

[Rose76]

I think I should be in a hospital. The psych hospital in my town is awful, so I won't go there. I think about going to the state hospital, which is kind of far from me. I don't think they would take me. I'm not suicidal. All I really need is partial hospitalization. That's not available anymore in my town. I tell myself all the things I should be doing, but I don't do them. I just break down sobbing over and over all day long. Without some real major help, I don't think I am going to improve. Sorry to dump my problems like this. PC is about all I have. I don't have friends. There is just my S/O, but he is worn out with my sadness. So I'm home trying to give him a break.

[gracez]

Hi Rose76, just wanted to say - there for you. You have us here at PC. And I'll listen anytime, I read your posts, or PM me if you like. I am in a similar situation, I have no in -person support system and pretty much hole up in my room, in bed. Too many "shoulds" is really painful. On top of the pain that's already there. Maybe can you give yourself a break on some of these? Sending hugs, Gracez

[themonster7]

Rough day to add to this rough life phase. I'm calling a therapist tomorrow.

UPS
I am doing ok...just ok...and that is good enough
DOWNS
I am freakin over finances and some other issues. I hate when this happens.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I think I should be in a hospital. The psych hospital in my town is awful, so I won't go there. I think about going to the state hospital, which is kind of far from me. I don't think they would take me. I'm not suicidal. All I really need is partial hospitalization. That's not available anymore in my town. I tell myself all the things I should be doing, but I don't do them. I just break down sobbing over and over all day long. Without some real major help, I don't think I am going to improve. Sorry to dump my problems like this. PC is about all I have. I don't have friends. There is just my S/O, but he is worn out with my sadness. So I'm home trying to give him a break.

(((((Rose)))))

I'm having a lot of the same problem too. I reserved a car today(it's cheaper than using a cab & the bus doesn't go where I have to go) but I just canceled. I find it so hard to leave home and the lack of sleep doesn't help. I'm down to a jar of green beans, pasta & dried beans, but more importantly I need to get copies of verification to give to various people to keep my benefits but I'm just so unable to leave my place.

It is the same w/ the hospital & lack of partial. If there was partial I would try that but what is available now is geared toward the lowest functioning people that have no real ability to do group therapy. It is more like adult day care than a functioning therapeutic group. It is because of this that I wanted to move back home the hospital there is number 7 or eight in the nation for mental health care.

I think the people on PC should get together and start a revolution in mental health care. We know what is needed & whats unnecessary, Validation, group therapy that is accessible to every level not just those at the lowest & placed there by judges. Peer run drop in centers that have activities for socialization w/o fear, a book exchange, a quiet room, ect.....

I just want you to know you are not alone.

[lindammarie]

I wish I could make myself talk as nicely to myself as I talk to others...

[Rose76]

Thank you, sidestepper. You've summed up just about exactly how I feel about what's available and what's not available. Thank you for putting it so well. I hope you can get a ride to restock your shelves. I truly understand how it can be so hard to leave the house.

[Grey Matter]

Up! I got testing done for Lupus, and I am feeling oddly social. So I am going out tonight! (and maybe getting a tattoo)

[Bark]

Another one of my nighttime depressions. Trying to ignore the thoughts and fall asleep. Hoping the med kicks in soon because I feel tired but wide awake. Kinda feeling like things are hopeless, pointless... angry at myself for being so lazy, going back to sleep when I could be doing something useful... angry that I'm not all that helpful. I wish I could wake up feeling rested one of these days.

Eh, I hope I feel better in the morning. Thankfully that's been the case for a while.

I feel kind of guilty posting here; I feel like an hour or so of depression doesn't compare to what you folks are going through. I'm just a whiner. Going to go back to ignoring myself... or wallowing in the thoughts and hopefully falling asleep to that.

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by Bark

When I read your post, I was struck by how familiar it sounded. I could put myself in your place and fit almost perfectly. It's so familar, in fact, that I don't think you're all those things. I don't know you, I can't say, but my guess is that you care so much and you try so hard, and yet you feel like all you're doing is hurting those you love and messing things up. Am I right? Take a moment to just sit and breathe. If you keep a journal or even if you just have paper laying around, write and keep writing about how you're feeling. Write what you think of yourself, then imagine you knew someone who thought those exact things about themselves—what would you say to them? If I'm right about you being a caring person, you probably would find reasons why that hypothetical person is not a hypocrite, not a waste, not a screwup. Write down what you would tell them. Now the depression will make you think that you are somehow different from this person, that you are inherently always at fault. But remember that this is the depression talking. It's your mood influencing your state of mind. notablackbarbie, it's not all your fault.

For everyone, many, many hugs, and I hope the waves of depression recede soon.

herethennow, how many medications have you been on? How long have you been in therapy? I've been seeing counsellors for years and I've been on seven or so different medications in the past year. You may have been through more, but I just wanted to say I understand how tough it is, but that you have to stay hopeful, keep going no matter how hard it is. I'm rooting for you. I'm rooting for everyone else here. For those that haven't had a good day in a long time, I hope you get at least a few hours of reprieve—I used to cherish those.

((Bark))
Thank you for your feedback and empathy. Yesterday was a REALLY bad day. I was off work sick, and all that happened yesterday was kinda "the last straw/boiling point" that needed to come out. Thank God that my Pdoc had a cancellation that day, so i was able to come in and unload on her too, because my mindset WAS NOT healthy, functional, or rational at that time (especially with the fact that its just been 6 weeks since my last hospital stay...)

I am hard on myself because I do care and think i should be and do SO MUCH more for others...to the absence of considering myself. This contrast has gotten worse this past year as everyone in the house has gotten older and more tired, alongside the many years of tension and dysfunction...

...I've started to peek at the possibility of living on residence this year while going to university still = a long story of how i'm still in school, but it includes the possibility too of getting my degree in nursing or social work, on top of my college diploma in ECE and correlated work experience with kids. BUT:

• -IT is expensive!!!
  -That is A LOT of money to add on to student loans to then pay off...
  -Would have to be on a waitlist (deadline to apply was WAY back in February)
  -The mean plan attached...kinda sucks (and where i go to school is up a hill and 7 busstops away from the nearest legitimate grocery store)
  -Don't want to leave my mom and sister behind (in college i also considered my legal options of becoming my sister's guardian, and maybe get funding to take care of her by myself...then bring my mom along and i'd be her caregiver too = yet learned through reading all the paperwork that i probably wouldn't qualify )
  -It just seems like SO MUCH MONEY just to get away from fighting all the time and seemingly running away from my problems as opposed to being/doing better and different

I don't know......

Today was a better day because i work in day camps during the summer = games and treats and fieldtrips with kids oh my!
Can be gentle, caring, patient, compassionate with kids and my sister and my mom. But not me... Not sure if i'm worth it or still just a waste, wonder how i am still a fraud, afraid and ashamed too, and...

sorry.

But again thank you. And to everyone else working through and struggling as well...

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Bark

Another one of my nighttime depressions. Trying to ignore the thoughts and fall asleep. Hoping the med kicks in soon because I feel tired but wide awake. Kinda feeling like things are hopeless, pointless... angry at myself for being so lazy, going back to sleep when I could be doing something useful... angry that I'm not all that helpful. I wish I could wake up feeling rested one of these days.

Eh, I hope I feel better in the morning. Thankfully that's been the case for a while.

I feel kind of guilty posting here; I feel like an hour or so of depression doesn't compare to what you folks are going through. I'm just a whiner. Going to go back to ignoring myself... or wallowing in the thoughts and hopefully falling asleep to that.

Depression is depression whether it is one hour or one year. What you feel is real and you are trying to cope. Please be gentle w/ yourself.

[tigerlily84]

The wedding was beautiful. And my brother is lending me his car while he is on his honeymoon. I feel like I don't deserve his kindness. I also feel terrified to drive it because it is a brand new car.

Anyway, I am still searching for my own car. I have some possibilities in mind, and I actually applied for a used car loan but I was denied. I guess I have to keep trying with other lenders, maybe. My brother bought me some time, so I better make the best of it. At least the wedding is over with - it was really stressing me out. Now I can stress out about the car situation and moving. Ugh.

[vintyg]

I am not feeling well today . Some days distress just gets into head and refuses to leave . I tried to keep myself busy but in vain . Head is all bursting and am feeling like throwing up . Difficult to handle , am just hoping that i will fall asleep growing tired of this unbearable pain .

I have been out of being able to participate on this board since last Saturday for some strange reason. I don't know what the problem was. I had to log in with my username and password, in which I never had to do before. And then when I entered them in, it got rejected.

Someone at IT at Psych Central emailed me back and straightened the whole thing out. So it's all set now, and back to normal! At least I was able to read the posts. I just couldn't reply or post. Also, no private messages.

Well anyways, nothing's new with me lately. I feel like I'm getting over my health anxiety, even though ironically I have to have a blood test for my PSA level. That has something to do with the prostate gland. I'll do it next week.

[LostAngel0616]

Ugh, it's been a while. Things have been crazy with the pregnancy and classes. I'm still waiting to be put on a safe medication. I'm pushing myself through my last weeks of class, totally not as motivated as I thought I would be. Found out that I'm having a boy, but the babies father is turning out to be unintentionally deadbeat. He's not even thinking about himself, let alone his kids. I'm about to tell him that if he wants to be in his sons life, he has to prove it. I'm done going out of my way for him to be included. And I don't want my son to have his male influence be a freeloader. But, I do have an amazing new girlfriend who is crazy excited about the baby (she's been more involved than the father). So everything is crazy and all over the place, and I just don't know how to feel. All I know is that my depression is starting to take over, and that really scares me... =/

[herethennow]

Still the same as last week.. feeling bad. To top it all off I just started work, and I really have to use that extra strength to put on a smile. This sucks. I just want to cry. My work involves using a scalpel and everytime I look at it I just want to run the blade through my skin...

Really need to see T soon... 1 more week to go...

[gracez]

awake but with another day ahead - i don't want it

[tigersassy]

Had to call into work today. Headache chest tightness and negative thoughts made me underproductive yesterday and it was worse this morning. Slept in to help with the headache and going on a hike to help with the anxiety and negative thoughts. Hoping it helps and can work tomorrow.

[tokiwartooth]

I am so sick Didn't go in to work yesterday because I felt horrible. Went to the doctor, and it's a sinus infection, just like I thought. I still have a hard time keeping food down and I'm really nauseous because of the sinus drainage

[Rachel.i]

For my favorite cousin Chrissie, who died way too young at 42: It's been six months, my beloved cousin. I think of you every day, can't believe you are gone forever and that I will never talk with you again. I will always love you.

Didn't want to post this on my FB, so doing it here. Sorry.

[whimsygirl]

I truly believe that my being born was just a big mistake. My life is meaningless, and I would take myself out of it except for one thing....I don't want anything bad to happen to my cats. And while I love them all dearly, sadly I am not even able to see them as the blessings that they are, as in a strange way I resent them for keeping me from doing what I want to do, to make it all stop. I am also filled with guilt because I am always on my last nerve, and when they do things like make messes, meow incessantly, etc. I lose my patience quickly and scream at them, after which I collapse into torrents of tears. They deserve better than what I am able to be. I am so damn sick of trying to make my life better, I have nothing left inside. I am no one to anyone....no one's daughter, no one's sibling, no one's mother, no one's partner, no one's close friend. I am treasured by no one. If anyone who happens to read this might feel obligated to try and say something in response please don't. There is nothing you can say. It is always possible that I might come out of this very dark place....as I have done so many times before....but each time my soul is more wounded and scarred, and worn out.