Been a while

Haven't been posting or reading much. Just felt really down and withdrawing. I wasn't particularly in a good place before but after finding out I have a child on the way, I am stressed over it. I can't seem to get the feeling of being a complete failure out of my head, and that I feel incapable of being able to cope with being a parent. People say that it is a gift and one of the things that keeps them going. Maybe in time I will get that, but from this side of it, I feel impending doom and trapped. I know it is just my own negativity and own issues at the source of this.

I can help but feel a like my spouse ignored my wishes after we talked about this issue and both deciders to wait. I thought she was on birth control but after a month she stooped taking them. I feel like she walked over me to get what she wanted. Not sure how to even bring it up, since I am in a spot now where there isn't much I can do. I try to act excited about it and some part of me is. At the same time I feel depressed, from issues that extend past this and often times not sure if I would choice to live if given the choice. I'm not saying I am ready to end things right now, I am just saying I'm not happy with life.

It puzzles me as to why she would want a child with me, someone who months earlier told her I thought about dying pretty much on a daily basis. Then the issues of her faithfullness to me makes me wonder if I am even what she wants or if I am just filling a role for her. A provider and someone to solve her problems. Maybe those acts were out of her self defeating nature, I dunno but things from my end don't feel very good. A few months ago I was sure if I wanted to stay in it. I think the main thing that made me stay was the time spent in the relationship and the feeling that without someone in my life I would be more likely to be wreckless and self destructive. Having her that does act as a buffer and I think about things more.

Right now I just have feelings of sadness and hopelessness. That feeling like this is all there is. I rationally know I will feel better one day and maybe even soon, but that thought doesn't bring a lot of comfort right now. I just have a sort of malayse that makes just want to sit and do nothing. A sort of apathy where nothing really matters, whether I live die, stay or leave. That regaurdless everything is the same in the end and choices have little effect on happiness. Rationally I know that is delusional and choices make all the difference in the world, but I am stuck with my rational thoughts and emmotions pitted against one another. I could just rely on doing what seems reasonable and logically, but that alone seems much like an empty existence. The opposite side of the coin is to do what I feel like I should, but that is skewed for me and quite often I feel like self destructing. I think doing what is good for me lies somewhere in the middle, but it is difficult to navigate what is reason vs how to feel when the two have such stark differences.

I feel worthlsess, useless and like I shouldnt exist. I know that isn't the truth and I have a wife and a future child that rely on me to do my part for them. I often time feels at am impass with myself. I sort of stalemate that leaves me unsure of what to do except feel immense sadness and wanting to do nothing. Desiring to withdraw. Not to die, but not really living either. A parrelel in life for the emmotionak stalemate I often am under.

Not sure what I am looking dor. I think mostly I am thinkng outloud. Maybe a lightbulb will click eventually and I will understand the meaning behind all of it and find my place in the world. As of right now I try and battle the contant emptiness I feel. Telling myself there is more and one day I will find it. Time only seems to add to the hopeless feelings.

I'm so sorry your wife went off birth control knowing your wishes. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. From one depressed person to another, I understand that feeling of emptyness and hopelessness. It's hard to motivate myself to do anything. I'm glad you came back to PC to share you pain. Hopefully the support you receive here will somehow help.
Gayle

I also know the feelings of emptiness and loneliness, it's hard to get motivated and I'm most of the time depressed, i do have a doc and T but they only can do so much, like talking and prescribing meds. It all leads to hopelessness and I am down in the dumps alot. I don't know if you want this child, but i hope and pray you can cope with it and will pray for you. I have 1 son he's 22 now and he is the light of my life.

Adam - nice to see you, but so sorry for the circumstances. It seems your wife has increased her hold on you, but without major benefits for you. It makes me sad that she would do such a thing - take away your choice in having a child right now or not.

Adam, I know what feeling overwhelmed is like. I am sorry your w did that to you. Parenthood is a big decision, but now that it is reality, try not to take it out on your child. Parenting with depression is very difficult but it can be done. I have 5 kids I regret that they are all grown up (almost) and put on their own. Being a parent has been the greatest blessing in my life. My kids are the only reason that I am still here. Good luck Adam

I missed seeing your posts.
Maybe once your child is here you'll feel a sense of joy of fulfillment, most people say it does to them. I know the feeling of being betrayed and walked on, possibly though her view on it is different. Hopefully. It's possible you're filling a role but maybe you're also who she wanted to have a child with, being that it's you. Even though she wasn't faithful she's still with you, why then. I know that's a lot of possibilities, but maybe it is..... Food for thought. At one point i wanted to want to have a relationship because then i would think twice before being self destructive. Even though it doesn't bring you much comfort, that one day you'll feel better, at least you think that. You see the rationality of it all. I know all about the hopeless feelings, i feel it every waking moment. Like what is the point in my existence. Why can't i just disappear..... Hopefully the lightbulb will click real soon and you'll see fulfillment and the meaning of your existence. Hugs.
Just me two cents.

Hi, I'm glad you're back, but sorry you've been having a rough time and withdrawing. Thanks for being back and posting to us what you're going thru.

Stick around right, we'll be listeners thru this time (or advice if people can give it!)

As you've seen from other posts of mine probably you know I'm also severely depressed, and like you often think about dying on a daily basis. I also sit around apathetically most of the day (or lie in bed) and mostly do not to participate in life and do not take much of an active part now in "getting better", etc. I cannot imagine having a child also, and if I had choice would not choose it because I don't think I could be a stable enough parent at this time.

That being said, many other people like was said already are depressed or whatever else they struggle with and are successfully raising kids - so I'm sure this will happen for you to.

Do you have a therapist, I just can't remember. I hope you feel comfortable telling the therapist what you've told us here. I really hope he / she can support you and maybe help you create a way to navigate thru.

xxx

gayleggg,

Thanks for you understanding. It does help to know I am not alone.

avlady,

I agree that medical professionals can only do so much. I have to want to get better and not give in the urge to mire in my own despair. I do take meds and talk to my T. The last fews weeks I haven't been to therapy as I didn't feel up for it. I did make an appointment for next wed. It isn't that I don't want a child. Me and my wife tried to have one a few years ago and it never happened. Then around October my depression started to get worse. A few months later I opened up to my spouse about how I was feeling and we agreed to wait on the child, go to marriage counseling and I would get professional help. I just fear I will be unable to cope with my own issues to the point where I won't be a good parent. I know there have been times were I have felt the physical symptoms really bad. Confusion, lack of thinking clearly, fatigue, exhaustion. Sleeping 18 hours a day when things are bad isn't a rare thing for me. I couldn't do that with a child. Maybe thing wont get bad or maybe this child will be the light of my life. It is an unknown for me right now, and that troubles me. I feel like an awful person for not fully committing myself. I feel selfish and that also brings feelings of guilt and angry at myself.

H3rmit,
I do feel betrayed by what she did, but I don't think it was an intentional power play for her. I think it was her own issues that may have led to her decision not to renew her birth control or perhaps she gave up hope that she could have a child and didn't think it was necessary. I remember when she told me, she was almost in tears. Like she made a mistake. I tried to reassure her that I was happy, and at the time I was. Quite often I have mixed feelings and am unsure of what I feel until later. The thought and realization of what a child means to me weighs heavily on me and I realize that I don't feel confident with my ability to manage my own issues and the added responsibilities. I feel as if I have my back to a way and a ticking clock to get myself in a place mentally to prepare for it. In my mind I have no choice but to be there for the child, because I know anything else and I could not cope with myself. Doing anything besides what I feel is right would lead to a lot of guilt that would consume me.

Nobodyandnothing,
I don't intend on intend on taking this out on my child. I too often blame myself and internalize my anger. I feel it would be much more likely I would take it out on myself before anyone else. I should be upset with my wife for not being honest with me about her birth control. I don't blame her for wanting a child, but I do feel anger that she didn't discuss it with me and she lead me to think she was going to wait.

Idiot17,
Thank you for the compliment on my posts. I believe her view is different. I doubt she feels like she betrayed me. I haven't talked to her about how I feel. My therapist's voice is in my head telling me that is what I should do. I have reluctance to do so. For the fact that the child is in there and is going to happen. Stopping it would destroy her and I couldn't have that on my conscious. I would feel really horrible about myself if I even tried. I doubt I could look at my child without feeling tremendous guilt. I feel like even bringing it up will lead to no positive outcomes for me. I may feel better that I told her how I felt, but the backlash from the other possibilities far outweigh the benefit. I do think she loves me. I think what she did when she had her online romance wasn't out of malice for me, but more of her own psychological issues and self sabotaging herself. Maybe her lack of self esteem or guilt from something lead her to try and ruin things for herself.

Gracez,
I do have a therapist. I feel comfortable in talking to her. It will be difficult but I think I can manage to start the conversation. She is very helpful at times. Sometimes I do find myself withdrawing from her though. I am trying to fight that urge as I made an appointment next week after not seeing her for about a month.

oh adam, that is so not fair. It sounds like your wife used you and made pregnancy a reality. That is a dirty way to control a situation and make someone stay married to you or set ones self up for a financial tie for 18 years.

This is her doings not the childs. He/she is a defenseless creation brought in to the world. one who is innocent, and didn't asked to be delivered into poor circumstances. You can only do the best you can for this child. Every ounce of love you give a child your receive back 3 fold. They are true blessings. (until they become teenagers)

Now you just have to do the best you can to prepare yourself mentally for this baby. Have you spoken to the T about this. That might help. You don't need me to tell you yall gotta fix yalls relationship stuff before this baby gets here, Stress affects kids in powerful ways. I have 3 munchkins. Two of them are in T because of me and my H's crap. They never asked fr the hand they got delt either.

Hopefully this baby will be the greatest gift you have ever received, and will bring you peace and happyness and a new zeal for life.

Thanks for that Big Mama. I can't blame my child for any of this. They will not know much of it or even understand it until much later. For them they will be figuring out the world. For me, I came to the realization that I need to address things within myself and I have a ticking clock to do so. While everyone has problems and their own struggles, I feel like depression is a lot for a child to deal with. Something they would not understand for a while and may cause a lot of issues for them trying to figure why daddy isn't happy or has no interest in anything. I can see in a child's mind how they may blame themselves or not have a proper emotional development were I not to address these issues enough so they don't impact my life as much as they do right now. While I can act ok and most people don't pick up on it, I think a child does. Adults tend to drop things after they ask if everything is ok, for the reason they believe you, don't care or are oblivious anything could be wrong other than daily stress. I think kids observe things differently and pick up on the more subtle communications that we tend to not think about. Posture, tone of voice, interaction and interest, etc.

I talk to my T next week. I talked to her a few days after I found out. Then I was in shock a little, overwhelmed, happy, unsure. A mix of things. Afterwards my mood started to plummet. I have been really low the last few weeks. Trying to bring myself up, but it feels like a roll of the dice on how I will feel from day to day. Depressed, numb, ok, or afraid seem to be equal possibilities.

Hi Adam,
Hope you can feel better soon!
I do not think your wife used you this time, I believe that if a man does not want to have a child, he can take his own measures, it is his responsibility. But i understand your despair and how things are playing in a difficult way for you.
What is the worse scenario you can envision? sorry if my question is silly

I can agree that it isn't totally a women's responsibility. My issues is that we both talked about it, game to an agreement and then she didn't tell me that she stopped taking her birth control. Knowing her history, I should have personally handled the issue of changing her prescription over and picking it up.

We will have been married for six years in September. I think as husband she should have told me she stopped taking them.

We had the discussion a few years ago and we tried to have a child. Recently I wanted some time for me to get into therapy, get some meds that helped and get to a place mentally where I could deal with it. I also wanted to do more marriage counseling and try to build some trust after what she did a few months ago. Doing things like stopping her birth control without telling me, and not dealing with her student loans doesn't build trust.

I just have a hard time accepting the fact I will be a father, and at the same time I serious contemplate if I want to give up on life. Being a parent and being really depressed don't seem like they would go very well together.

Me being the pessimist I am can think of the worst things is that I don't cope very well one day and do something terrible like jumping off a bridge. That kind of thing would for sure mess a child up. Another thing that could happen is the baby causing more problems in my marriage and me and my wife splitting up.

I think a child would also stop me from hospitalizing myself if needed. With my wife's minimum wage job, she wouldn't be able to pay bills if I were getting in-patient treatment. It also adds a lot of stress and I feel like there is a ticking clock on handling this stuff. I never really learned how to cope. I think I had depression all of my life, but didn't realize what it was until my teens. With the baby on the way it feels like I have a countdown to get myself in order and be able to do what I have to do.

This just troubles me. I am very impulsive, don't care much about myself when I am depressed and often times when I get that way I feel like an awful person that should suffer. I know that isn't the case rationally, but when things get bad like they have been recently it is hard to fight off those intense feelings.

I can control my actions and can distinguish between rational thinking and distorted thinking from depression, but it doesn't do a lot for my mood. When I get down I know the suicidal thoughts, lack of any self worth, feelings of inappropriate guilt are symptoms of depression. Knowing that doesn't change how I feel though. I still feel immense sadness or other things I don't know how to explain in words. Anxiety maybe. Right now I am just at a loss of how to balance the two, being a parent and coping with depression.

I made a therapy appointment, maybe my T can give me some guidance on how to navigate this.

Hi Adam,
Hope the therapist is helpful. To me, it is not a real dilemma taking more care of yourself (even if you need to enter a hospital to be better) vs. taking care of the baby business. Without you there is not parenthood for you. Because of my cultural background, I read your lack of care of yourself in a different way: I don't see much as a consequence of your depression but as something radical in your inner self, that is fueling your depression. Perhaps you have not been taught to love yourself properly. This happened to me and many others I know, that are busy thinking of the future and how we will not be able to take care of others while we are falling apart. I really hope you can focus on the present moment and how you can be better, you deserve it, Adam.

You're right about the not knowing how to love myself. I think some of it stems from neglect, some from my family showing a lot of favortism towards my brother and the rest of it from being the product of an affair and feeling like a mistake.

I know I should just over these things, but I don't know how. It isn't like they consume my every thought or preoccupy me, but I do seem to get in a lot of bad moods where I have a lot of anger I direct towards myself. I hope therapy will help me to better deal with these issues.

I don't like the prospect of me having this kind of stuff going on and at the same time I have to be a parent, seem in control and nuture a child to grow up and live a good life. I have spent so much of my life being depressed, unfilled, empty and I don't want my mental issues to rub off on my child. It makes me feel like a failure, like I am destined to do a bad job. I know that the child isn't born yet and there is not a logical reason to think this way, but I feel it.

it is not wrong to think about the future, and anticipate how we may react, our strengths and weaknesses, etc. Also, it the way we have been educated, our brains are trained to do that. Particularly you are quite intelligent and organized, so... how not to think about how all this mess will accommodate in the future and what is your particular role for a better outcome? how, indeed, not have feelings about it? You are able, trained, and entitled to thinking and having feelings about the future now that your wife is pregnant of an unwanted/unplanned child.
But, if you have not been taught to love yourself properly, IMO. you cannot just get over of this negative part of your past and then take care of usual business. It is not just some benchmarks in history, some anecdotes, It is part of your constitution.
It is one of the most important parts of a human being. Oh, and it is the foundation of the capacity of being a parent, as well. You may modify some stuff installed in you in your childhood, other will stay there with you, you will have to learn how to better deal with it. I feel the same and it is hard and sometimes I do not know what to do. It is so good that you are in therapy already.
in fact, dealing with it and taking proper care of yourself (even if necessary having your wife to cope with some stuff by herself without your help for a while) may be the best way for you to be a parent right now. Perhaps it is time to parent yourself