[Patagonia]

Started a new med last nite & feeling pretty foggy this morning. I hate that!
I got a link in an email yesterday from my old school where I just finished my masters. It's about my favorite prof, a true mentor for me, has a documentary coming out. I was so excited; then I started to watch the trailers & realized how much I miss school, the immersion into the art world that cocooned me & helped me bloom. That's gone & is just a memory now. I life I so desperately wanted & couldn't reach bec my own personal life got in the way. Once again I had to let go of a dream In order to sacrifice for others. When do I get my turn? I wanted it 20 yrs ago. Everything I wanted is so far in the past! There's nothing to look forward to in the future except being one of those parents that live vicariously thru their children. I guess that's me. What a waste of a life! Total effin waste!

had a quiet afternoon watching prime susspect

feel a little better now.. but still having really bad thoughts

[Bark]

Woke up with a headache.

I've spent the day in bed. Munched a little but I really don't want to eat. Thoughts have been around all day. I'm probably going to give in some... maybe then I'll actually get up and eat. Twisted how that works, eh?

So many thoughts... so many thoughts.

I don't know how or why, but I seem to have been feeling really motivated and not having so much foggy thinking yesterday and today. Could this really be my depression letting up this time? It just seems to come and go. Please let it be gone -- please let this upswing remain!

[Rose76]

I'm doing pretty good. But tired and sore all over.

[ToeJam]

Yep definitely been a good day! Kept happy and cheerful throughout... probably helped that I had 9 hours of sleep last night (mildly interrupted by the craps but yeah... 9 HOURS OMG!)

Got on with work, wrote a poem and didn't even get phased at a last minute text to tell me we have the gas people round at my house tomorrow.

My cool hat is on and I'm enjoying the moment!

+ found a great signature!

[IcryWhoAmI]

Haven't been on here in a long time. Probably because I haven't felt this low in a while.
I'm so miserable, and tired, and moody, and lonely, and frustrated, and so much more that I can't begin to describe...

[Patagonia]

So I've started this new med & it's emptied my brain! Like there's an echo chamber in there empty. One "part" shows up, that's it. It feels very lonely & I feel very empty...I don't understand it

[gracez]

sick of crying and feeling depressed. small things have improved, like sometimes i don't mind getting out of bed, and i rarely stay there all day anymore, but i don't feel any hope still or any happiness

[themonster7]

Had a good night, a great night actually. I made a friend, I got 3 different hugs, REAL hugs! For some reason though I'm still ashamed to do as much as post on here, or talk to anybody. I don't know

[herethennow]

I've been away for so long.. Guess I've been busy.

I'm not okay. I'm tired of meeting people. In the middle of my new school's orientation program right now and I'm just another awkward turtle. For no reason, I just feel like bawling my eyes out.

Since I started my new med I've been fantasising ways to die and it has never been like this.. Guess talk it over with T and pdoc. Will be meeting them soon, so I'll just hang on till then.

[ToeJam]

Well I enjoyed yesterday while it lasted. This morning has been crappish... at home today while I wait for the gas man to come round to replace our meter and I'm not in a great frame of mind. Took to some writing about an hour back... basically a letter to my T for whenever I get to see him or her for the first time... and then got a lick attack from the dog... she does her best to cheer me up

having a lot of really bad thoughts today

most of them revolving round the end of my life, and my ill treatment by others

blah..

It sucks watching someone else crash and burn from sheer stubbornness.
Whatever!

[Bark]

Looks like the depression is back. Maybe it will go away. Maybe not. Feels like it never left; it's hard to remember feeling different when you're on either side of the spectrum. Either you can't imagine ever being depressed or you can't imagine never being depressed. It takes over your mind, over everything.

I'm not even a full-time student and I can't handle the load. I keep procrastinating and pushing things off and forgetting.... Yeah, when I was able to study for that exam I did really well, but that was a fluke. I'm an idiot and a horrible person who's to blame for everything. Yes, everything. My friends self-destructing is my fault. I can only look on. I'm a liar; people befriend me because of that false facade I share. If they knew the real me....

See, I'm giving in to the negative thoughts. Because when you feel like this, throw logic and reason out the window. It's much easier, more satisfying, more tempting to give in.

I hate myself for even posting this. But some recess of my mind is telling me: this is the depression talking. You know that. These are the things other people are believing and they're not true. But the dominant voice? Screw that.

I wish I could take everyone's pain and suffering and make it mine. So you guys wouldn't be hurting so much. I might care little for myself, but you guys are always on my mind.

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by Bark

Looks like the depression is back. Maybe it will go away. Maybe not. Feels like it never left; it's hard to remember feeling different when you're on either side of the spectrum. Either you can't imagine ever being depressed or you can't imagine never being depressed. It takes over your mind, over everything.

I'm not even a full-time student and I can't handle the load. I keep procrastinating and pushing things off and forgetting.... Yeah, when I was able to study for that exam I did really well, but that was a fluke. I'm an idiot and a horrible person who's to blame for everything. Yes, everything. My friends self-destructing is my fault. I can only look on. I'm a liar; people befriend me because of that false facade I share. If they knew the real me....

See, I'm giving in to the negative thoughts. Because when you feel like this, throw logic and reason out the window. It's much easier, more satisfying, more tempting to give in.

I hate myself for even posting this. But some recess of my mind is telling me: this is the depression talking. You know that. These are the things other people are believing and they're not true. But the dominant voice? Screw that.

I wish I could take everyone's pain and suffering and make it mine. So you guys wouldn't be hurting so much. I might care little for myself, but you guys are always on my mind.

I'm here to tell you Bark, that it is the depression talking. Don't hate yourself for posting that. If it's cathartic to you, then so be it. We're not here to judge..

I wish I could take your suffering so you don't have to go through this. But no one can.. so we're all here to support each other. Hope you're okay Bark. Always here

---

On another note, I survived through my new school's orientation.
but with a cost: I'm more unstable than before. For no good reason.

I don't know whether I could do this. I don't know whether I could make it through school with depression. I don't want to tell my new school about my condition. I don't want sympathy "marks." I don't want any of those. I just want to be treated like a normal schoolgoing person. But the previous time I attempted school and a major exam, I flunked. Badly. And parents didn't understand anything. That it was hard. That everyday I spend my time idling on my laptop, it is me.. running away from this darkness.
I'm scared. I'm scared to do this.. and fail my parents' expectations again.

.. and no, they won't ever understand that it was due to my illness.

[gracez]

crying in bed like usual since i woke up hours ago, too early. hate myself

so so..............

[tokiwartooth]

I'm back. I've been really sick with a really bad sinus infection that's kept me waylaid at home for over a week. Just yesterday the fever subsided. Now if I could stop coughing and my throat stop hurting, that would be great. Also, he's back from his vacation! I'm so happy that he's back, I can't wait to see him again!

[IcryWhoAmI]

I feel sad...and empty...yeah.

[tigersassy]

It's a daily struggle sometimes for me to remain upbeat and positive but I try. I think on some deep level I've always known this was an issue but now that I have found my other half it's not so bad. Yes sometimes I get knocked down but I have been forcing myself to get back up everytime and stop letting life kick me when I'm down which doesn't always work but it's getting better isn't that what matters? My wish is to encourage others I've been in the hole but there is a light if you find something worth opening your eyes for. *hugs to everyone who has been or is in that deep dark hole*

[Bark]

Originally Posted by herethennow

I'm here to tell you Bark, that it is the depression talking. Don't hate yourself for posting that. If it's cathartic to you, then so be it. We're not here to judge..

I wish I could take your suffering so you don't have to go through this. But no one can.. so we're all here to support each other. Hope you're okay Bark. Always here

---

On another note, I survived through my new school's orientation.
but with a cost: I'm more unstable than before. For no good reason.

I don't know whether I could do this. I don't know whether I could make it through school with depression. I don't want to tell my new school about my condition. I don't want sympathy "marks." I don't want any of those. I just want to be treated like a normal schoolgoing person. But the previous time I attempted school and a major exam, I flunked. Badly. And parents didn't understand anything. That it was hard. That everyday I spend my time idling on my laptop, it is me.. running away from this darkness.
I'm scared. I'm scared to do this.. and fail my parents' expectations again.

.. and no, they won't ever understand that it was due to my illness.

Thanks, herethennow.

I've been in the same place as you. Flunked college. This time around, it started off better. Then it went downhill. So I've been open about my illness here, and it has helped. Most professors are understanding, some incredibly so. Don't think of them as "sympathy marks"; think of it as being put on a level playing field with everyone else. Whether we like it or not, we're at a disadvantage, and it's no crime to ask for help.

Hope everyone's day gets better. I'm in a mixed mood right now, so... blah.

Glad to hear that you're trying, tigersassy! One day at a time... we have to take it day by day.

went from a rather calm person with a stable mood, to a self harming, low mood mess...

now i'm somewhere inbetween

[Nammu]

From dec 2012 until now I have only left the house a handful of times, I've gained so much weight that I literally have no jeans to wear, only sweats. This is something that keeps me stuck, I now don't want to leave. I only eat a meal once a day but it's junk food with preservatives and corn syrup (it's so much easier to carry & doesn't spoil so I only have to buy it once a month or two.)
I rented a car for a month to go see my grandson and take Sir up to MN but I've not left yet. It's been a week! I am really hating myself. Mom emails daily asking when I'm leaving. I got the suitcase out today and tried to figure out what to take and I've not got a clue, I'm so over whelmed.

[Bark]

Just made a very bad decision.