[yaco]

I feel disgusted with myself. It's a beautiful day. The kind of Sunday other people would spend outdoors. But I just want to sit here and make a mental list of adjectives that describe everything that's wrong with me: self-indulgent, lazy, dull, dumb, cold...

I'm aware that this kind of thinking is just the other side of narcissism.

And I feel ridiculous for making my first post in this group so miserable.

[herethennow]

numb. not sure whether its the meds, or it's just me. either way it's better than feeling down. irony is that sui thoughts are still quite intense though...

[gracez]

been sleeping 6 or 7 hours a night - increased dose of clonazepan to help me sleep. it's working! i feel a bit weird and groggy next day, but i don't care, sleeplessness is so bad for depression

[tigerlily84]

I'm feeling better. Starting tomorrow I will be training 25 new hires along with another coworker. I'm excited but also nervous because I've trained people before, but only 2-3 people at a time. I'm not a 100% better but I'm feeling hopeful. I even started to read again! I haven't read anything in so long and I love to read. I just want this to last. I hope it does.

[Patagonia]

I keep telling myself tomorrow. Tomorrow be better. Tomorrow I'll do this. Tomorrow I'll do that. Tomorrow blah blah blah. Tomorrow is always the same as today. I cringe when I get up in the morning. I wait for something to lift & it never does. I'm so sick of myself being miserable & I'm pretty sure my family is sick of it too.
All I want to do is get some motivation, some energy, some reason to move. There's soooo many things that need to be done & I have to beg or bargain w/ myself to do something small. Why is it so hard? Why is it so terribly overwhelming? Really cleaning up the kitchen should not be exhausting!
I feel to bad for my kids. They could be living in much better place if I'd just MOVE! I just wanto fade away, go off somewhere in my head or reminisce about what the "good days" used to feel like. Can't take much more of this. Going on my third yr of this intensity. Something's got to give! Please!

[tigersassy]

Crap happens.... I've got to deal with it. I will not just lay down. I have no parents as of today its official. I think my mothers parents would be upset with her.... but they aren't here anymore. Never got to get to know them but I think they would have protected me... crying now so going to go.

[1948kate]

So far, OK. Last night full of nightmares UGH! Wish they would go away.

"What's wrong with you?" "You look like you're mad at the world." I'm too depressed to fake a smile. sorry.

[sunsetsunrise]

Was reminded today that i should not have left the prison of silence. So back I go.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by yaco

I feel disgusted with myself. It's a beautiful day. The kind of Sunday other people would spend outdoors. But I just want to sit here and make a mental list of adjectives that describe everything that's wrong with me: self-indulgent, lazy, dull, dumb, cold...

I'm aware that this kind of thinking is just the other side of narcissism.

And I feel ridiculous for making my first post in this group so miserable.

This is exactly the place to post what you're feeling. I hope it helps you to have the freedom to speak freely.

[herethennow]

Back to the cave. Dont want to meet anyone. Dont want to continue trying. Dont want to do anything. Just feel like stopping the meds.. They're not helping anyway. Just feel like letting go.. I dont want to continue on. Im tired. I really am. What for continue when in the end ill be back in a crisis? Whats the point?

[tokiwartooth]

I have arthritis in my knuckle joint, I've been crabby for days now, and I miss him since he won't be back until October 26th

[Patagonia]

Told myself that today I was going to start my diet. Already blew it 30 mins into the day! I'm so pathetic! Wish my depression made me thin instead instead of fat, would have less trouble w/clothes.
T just cancelled for today. That sucks big time. I was almost looking forward to it. Still see my Pdoc this morning & know we're going to have a fight about these meds. Sick of them & we need an overhaul or I'm thru.

[1948kate]

Good day so far.

[1948kate]

Originally Posted by herethennow

Back to the cave. Dont want to meet anyone. Dont want to continue trying. Dont want to do anything. Just feel like stopping the meds.. They're not helping anyway. Just feel like letting go.. I dont want to continue on. Im tired. I really am. What for continue when in the end ill be back in a crisis? Whats the point?

Don' give up. It took almost a year to get my meds right. Now that we did I'm feeling great. There's always hope!

Got a new computer, so was away a while. Back now. On my way out the door--will share more later.

[Bark]

Such a long, long day. But I'm looking forward to showering and doing some cleaning before bed. Nice quiet night. Last night I was in the ER because my friend was getting stitched up again. She self-harms and her cuts are quite deep. She never tells the doctors the truth, but I'm sure they can tell. Especially since one of the doctors that checked on her stitches on the other leg was there yesterday as well. I wish the best for her, I really do.

My mood's been pretty stable. Forgot to take one of my meds until late and felt the withdrawal effects (I can't go a day without it). It didn't get too bad, she mostly feeling spaced out.

Family and financial problems are still there. A whole fun complicated mess, they are.

People have been pointing out that I've gained weight, but that it's a good thing. Makes me wonder how skinny I must have looked. I know I was underweight. Some have pointed out the belly though; need to exercise a bit. I've noticed that I feel faint when I exercise; saw a doctor, did some tests, and I'm deficient in a vitamin. So here's hoping that taking a supplement makes me less tired. I'd love that.

I think that about covers almost everything. :P There's still quite a bit, but I think this is long enough as it is.

I'm so hungry it hurts... but don't want to eat.

[bronzeowl]

I managed to eat a little today. That was a small accomplishment. I haven't been able to in a long time. Not much anyway. I don't know why. I don't like thinking about it. But I took my sister to Cici's and I nibbled at a slice of pizza and ate half of the salad I put on my plate.

On the opposite side of Bark, everyone's been pointing out how much weight I've lost. I think they think they're complimenting me. Except, I don't think they are. It actually makes me feel worse. I think it's contributing to my worsening depression at the moment. My mom took one look at me today when I got home and pointed it out.

I feel kind of caught between feeling good and feeling depressed. In that awkward stage between the two. I think it's because today was, overall, a good day. I got my WoW shirt in the mail today and it fit. Which made me happy. I got a 99% on the exam that pretty much everyone else in my class failed or barely passed (C or lower for most of them). It was easy peasy for me. I already knew about Pavlov and Skinner and Operant Conditioning and positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement. And studied hard for the emotion/motivation chapter. (Thank you dog training, btw. Who knew training my corgi with Skinner and Pavlov's methods would one day pay off)

Today has had its share of ups. And yet. The depression is still nagging in the back of my mind. Telling me that it won't last. Like it always does.

On the bright side, that smile when I saw that 99% after hearing him say that, as a class, we did terrible... I have not smiled so wide since I was a child.

OH. I have another up! My mom called the clinic hear and found out that, as an adult student with no income, I can be seen for mental health concerns for free. No sliding scale. No medicaid required. Free. The downside? Of course, I have to call to make my own appointment. I expected as much. But being socially awkward and nervous? It's kind of off putting. I'm going to try, though. Phones have always been an enemy of mine, though.

[herethennow]

So my hospitalisation bill just came and I went over the limit of my "insurance." Blame the first day for being expensive due to the lab tests... now I have to take out money from my own pocket and my mom is footing half of it. Feeling really guilty now and it doesn't help at all. Vicious cycle

Sometimes I feel like I am wasting money on these things.. that treatment is supposed to be for physical stuff and physical stuff only.

So overall, not good. Back in a crisis and I really want to end it all...

[Patagonia]

I saw Pdoc yesterday & haven't seen him since going AWOL in June. He didn't freak thank god & was glad I stayed on @ least 1 AD. After 45min & him saying hhmmmmm a lot he didn't add any more meds! Kind of frustrating. Added more for my low thyroid but that's it. Now he thinks it's hormonal. Why does that sound worse coming from a man? Sounds like a great "out" to me. I think he's throwing in the towel.

[tokiwartooth]

I have felt like crap for the past two days, just really down, and my family was talking about the way these two women had been hitting on him, and how he had mentioned once to my mom how he wasn't interested in dating, and in a roundabout/nondirect way stated that he still has "needs". Although he would never do anything without a relationship with the other person because he is an extremely moral person, and I give him kudos for that. There's one woman in particular that hangs all over him like white on rice. He doesn't reciprocate, but he doesn't push her away. He never really pushes anyone away regardless of who they are and what their intentions are. He just seems to be that kind of a person. But the jealousy and anger and hurt I feel is just so strong. I told them that I really didn't want to talk about it. We were at a restaurant and I almost started crying. I was able to hold it together though and pretend to laugh and smile and be happy. In a way I feel sorry for the woman because she lost her husband and seems lonely, but on the other hand she is so freaking obvious when she hangs on him like that, it's kind of sickening and seems inappropriate seeing as it's in a church and he's the pastor. I want him to be happy though, that's my wish for him. He has seen so much crap lately, the failure of his marriage and inevitable separation and divorce last year, the failure of his business, and then finding out his ex-wife has breast cancer, so instead of buying the house that he so longed for, closer to the church, he kept her on his insurance and is paying for her treatment. He was absolutely devastated. He cried at the drop of a hat and you could tell that he was in distress. He was quite candid, to me at least, about his dislike of the woman, but his integrity and moral values are very strong, and he wanted to do the right thing, even though she was basically a monster to him and treats him, even now with him PAYING for everything, like a piece of dirt. He needed the rest of a month off in California. But I miss him so bad that it's the only thing I can think about sometimes. I want him to get the rest he needs and the peace of mind he's looking for. But I want to be happy too, and so far it's a no go.

[shortandcute]

...tired of waiting to hear of the judge's decision (disability hearing)....getting very discouraged

UPS
Preparing some things for my ex's 45th bday when.....
DOWNS
Remembered she already has a new man in her life....so my plans just scaled back to what a friend would do....so much for reconciliation.

[themonster7]

I still don't think I'm depressed anymore, that's a good up! For my downs, I looked in the mirror again today and tried to make some sorts of facial expressions and realized how far I still have to go before this facial paralysis wears off, if it ever does. Doctors told me there was a 60% chance it would wear off in 18 months. The entire left half of my face was completely paralyzed from shingles in my ear, and it took about 3 months for most of my smile to come back, and now it's been 4 and I can close my eye for short periods of time again. I still have more of a smile to go, my eyebrow, nose, lips, and the strength to hold my eye closed... Just seems so far away and so unlikely that I'll get it all back. I should just paint all my mirrors black or something.