So, I'm 30 years old. Live with my parents. Have no money. Borrow their car because I don't have my own. Have pretty much no income. I have a college degree from an extremely prestigious east coast music school that I attended on partial scholarship that doesn't really mean anything because it's just a piece of paper sitting on the wall next to me in my parents' basement mocking me.

I have no self-esteem. Realize deep down that I'm good at what I do or have potential or whatever considering the heaps of praise that have been given to me by other musicians, teachers, friends, audiences, etc. But, even getting constant praise, support, and reassurance from some of the musicians I admire most in the world doesn't help me because I find some way to convince myself I either don't deserve the praise or that I'm worthless because everybody says I have all this talent and I'm wasting it sitting in my parents' basement doing nothing.

I don't like teaching because I feel like I don't have the ability to do it well or maybe that I'm just too lazy to do it well. Yet, I've had students who love me and I know that I have much more to offer than most, but I just end up sending them away to somebody else instead (ironically, usually they end up with somebody with 1/10th my talent, but the belief that they are worthy).

I gave up years ago on relationships. Haven't had a girlfriend in at least 8 years...been on 5 or 6 dates in that time. At this point, don't even know if my lack of desire to ever be with anybody again is because I really don't care or because I assume I'll never be good enough to find somebody. I somehow manage to watch porn and masturbate 4x a day on average but I don't think it's out of actual sexual desire to be with somebody. I assume I'm just looking for the 30 seconds of feeling good, relaxed, and carefree that comes from orgasm. Sometimes I realize that I'm watching porn and the actress isn't even somebody I would want to touch in real life. The need to watch porn seems to be simply that it's part of the necessary process that leads towards the release of dopamine. I started having trouble with getting enough of an erection for satisfying intercourse with my girlfriend back when I was 21 or so which I'm sure was a mental, not physical issue as I was skinny as a post back in those days. It hasn't gotten any better ever since then, but I guess I just got used to it and now it doesn't even seem like a problem since I don't date anyway. But, it was a source of fear for me back in the days when I still had interest in finding a partner.

I gained quite a bit of weight around the time of a breakup around age 22 or so and went from 5'8" 140lbs to 5'8" 180lbs in a very short time which caused me to get stretch marks all over my stomach...yet another reason to avoid intimate contact...here I am at age 30 and they're still all visible and more appeared as I'm now pretty overweight at 5'8" 205-210lbs. So, even if I desired to be with a partner, it's hard to imagine any female being thrilled with an overweight guy with stretch marks all over his stomach and a weak erection. Not to mention the whole living with his parents way past the acceptable age thing.

I tried talk therapy for a while about 4 years ago during a time when I was becoming a borderline alcoholic supporting myself by playing music, but hating it all the while because I didn't have respect for the music I was needing to play to pay the rent. The therapy was every week for about 4 months and helped a little, but not much. I'm a very guarded person and I was comfortable telling her about my drinking, work troubles, depression, anxiety, etc, but couldn't bring myself to tell her about how I was afraid to be with a girl in case they would laugh at my stretch marks or weak erection. I guess I hoped that if my depression could be cured, the sexual problems might be cured as well, and I might have enough self esteem to not be so worried about my appearance. But, no luck.

I tried some antidepressants for a short time and it seemed like they were beginning to help my depression lessen a little bit, but they also seemed to make me even more tired than usual, and make it almost impossible to orgasm. So, I stopped. I've been trying St John's Wort instead, but after a month of 600mg a day, I'm not noticing any obvious improvement in depression...I might be feeling slightly more stable, but certainly not enough to make me feel like I can cope with day to day life. A day that I make it to the shower feels like a success at this point.

Somehow, I've managed to get a college degree, play music for thousands of people over the years, teach students, hide my depression so well that nobody is aware of it (aside from people thinking I'm a negative person), but it's all been through this horrible mask I where when I have to deal with people. I go do what I need to do and then come back home exhausted from even the smallest contact with the outside world...and then eventually sabotage any little success that I am having by disappearing, not returning phone calls, disappointing people, etc because I'd rather just sit at home and be worthless.

I can't afford antidepressants or therapy because I'm not working enough, and the reason I can't work enough is that this stupid depression makes me afraid to go into public, feel like I'm not good enough to play the gigs or teach the students that musicians with half my talent are out there doing instead of me. I've created this internal sense of what is and isn't good enough, and because I'm not 100% perfect and the best in the world, I feel like I'm not even good enough to leave the house and teach a 10 year old. It's a strange place to be in to realize that I'm a better musician now than I'd ever dreamed I could've become, have had more success than I'd ever dreamed I could've had, and to look around and realize that musicians who aren't half as good as me are getting the work that I want because I can't live up to this impossible standard I've set for myself. If I can't be one of the 10 best in the world at what I do then I feel like a complete failure...despite the fact that some of those who I *do* consider to be the best in the world have time and time again tried to tell me that the only thing holding me back from reaching their level is my belief that I never will.

So, now I'm at a point where I should realistically be able to do anything I want with my life, but I'm sitting in my parents' basement wishing I could summon the energy to shower. I don't dare ask my parents or family for help to see a therapist or get on antidepressants. They absolutely do not understand...it's actually less painful for me to sit in their basement having them think I'm lazy than it would be to admit to them that I need help.

I'm beginning to think that the only way I can help myself is to give up on music and get a job working the register at Walgreens 40 hours a week so that I can afford to get a little studio apartment and a therapist and antidepressants. However, I'm not even sure I could do that since I always end up sabotaging myself eventually. I'm worried that even pushing buttons on a cash register is more than I can handle and that it wouldn't be long before I was fired for calling in sick every time I woke up feeling like I couldn't face the world outside.

So, I just sit in my parents' basement at age 30 writing this note and wondering how I'm ever going to have a life. I don't even want a life...I just want to sit in a room watching Netflix and getting fatter and fatter until I eventually don't have to be alive anymore. There are people all around me living with horrible diseases...losing their children...homeless...being abused...being beaten...starving to death...all these horrible things that people less fortunate than I have been are dealing with. I feel like I should be able to pick myself up and not be worthless because so many others don't have the chance...but that just makes me feel even more worthless and pathetic because I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and whining about my life. I just wish I could give my life to somebody else who is struggling and let them have it and do something great with it while I just disappear completely.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I just needed to write this and have somebody hear it because there's nobody in my life I can tell it to.

[gayleggg]

Hi, OPRMC. I read your story and am really sorry your talent is going to waste. I really don't know what to suggest to you that you haven't already tried. I'm sure you need to see a psychiatrist but can't due to financial reason. It's like you've created the impossible circle of defeat. You might check with the county health department and see if they can offer any help.

[Brom]

Your story is actually very similar to mine. I love the arts, my favorite is fine art. I lived with my parents until very recently, and I'm a little older than you. I remember thinking some of the very things you've written. I hope you can find some answers soon.

Thanks gayleggg. Impossible circle of defeat sure sounds like the perfect description for where I've been for at least the last few years if not longer. I managed to go out for a walk today and passed by my old elementary school and my best friend's house from those days. It's been 18 years since I was last there and have lost touch with that old friend. The weather was perfect and reminded me of what it would've felt like in those days to get out of school on a nice day and go run around and play basketball or video games at my friend's house. I realize looking back that this sadness had already begun by the time I was 10 years old, but it took another 14 to really crush me. Just walked along by that school wishing i could remember what it felt like to enjoy sunshine...to look forward to things, to have hope. It's like my world has been grey for years and years and all I do is drive people away because they get tired of waiting for me to stop being so negative. I guess I hide it all so well that people just assume that there must not be any serious problem...that all I need to do is be positive. I've certainly tried that many times in the past, but the person I pretend to be just to look like a functional human being to others feels like I'm carrying around 25 lbs everywhere I go. If I have to try to add positivity to that it becomes more than I can carry. The only way I can seem to deal with others is through little jokes...making fun of myself, being sarcastic, never fully answering uncomfortable questions and diverting the subject with a little joke and a smile. I don't understand how to genuinely interact with people anymore. I was listening to somebody talk the other day about how it's horrible that people are glued to their cell phones everywhere you go now, and all I could think was how much easier cell phones make my life...I screen the call at home and carefully plan the conversation and take hours to summon the mental energy necessary to call the person back. When I'm out and forced to be in social situations I always pull out my phone so I can appear to be busy and not have to clumsily interact with people. I'm not even playing Angry Birds or anything...just randomly hitting buttons on my phone and hoping people will let me be in peace until I can escape back home away from it all. Facebook is actually the only way I can talk to most people. People always tell me how much they love my Facebook posts and how clever or funny they are. I've had all these people tell me I should be a comedian or comedy writer...but all I'm doing is trying to reach out and connect with the outside world in the only way that I feel comfortable doing so because I can write out a thought and edit it and don't have to try to fight to get a word in because I'm soft-spoken and polite and try not to interrupt others. Anyway, it's funny people know me better through Facebook than they do in real life. People who have never heard me say more than a few sentences in real life have read paragraphs and paragraphs from me on Facebook.

Well, this has just been more rambling about myself, but it feels good to type it and anonymously hit "send".

[Nammu]

Starting next month is the new health care laws. Can you ask one of your parents to help you look into getting coverage and then finding someone to start therapy and perhaps medication? At this point you have nothing to lose by trying. Therapy is different with different therapists, sometimes it is just not the right fit. Keep trying until you find one that clicks.

((((OPRMC)))) I hear you. Glad you are here and posting. There are many members that understand and can relate (me included).

I hope you will be able to muster up some energy to do some online research and look for Ts in your area that practice on a sliding scale. Then, when you can muster up a little more energy, call around. Talk to intake coordinators and explain your situation.

The first steps are the hardest, and most exhausting...

...but you have already makes strides by finding PC and posting here. You have found a community that understands and cares.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Starting next month is the new health care laws. Can you ask one of your parents to help you look into getting coverage and then finding someone to start therapy and perhaps medication? At this point you have nothing to lose by trying. Therapy is different with different therapists, sometimes it is just not the right fit. Keep trying until you find one that clicks.

It's kind of tough because, even though I'm 30 and way too old to have moved back in with my parents, they still treat me like I'm 13 and never moved out. I really need to be back out on my own and 100% financially independent to start treating this...otherwise my mom will be snooping through my insurance info, asking what the pills are for, asking me where I'm going when I leave for appointments. They are people who don't understand mental illness at all...my whole family is extremely judgmental. My mom would take my need for therapy as a personal insult and make her think that she had failed as a mother. The rest of my family would judge me for being weak. I already have family members accusing me of trying to mooch off my parents and thinking I'm lazy and don't want to work. Attempting to explain the pain I'm in would make matters worse. Despite the fact that my mother being absolutely ridiculously and being a huge part of the reason I'm so screwed up to this day, I know she meant well and tried her best, so I don't want to cut my family out of my life or it would crush her...the same way it would if she realized just how messed up I am and how easy it is for me to trace so much of my unhappiness back to her.

Pull myself up by the bootstraps just doesn't seem to have any effect anymore, so, the only solution I can see is to get a job, move out on my own again, and become 100% able to handle my own life so that I can continue hiding my true self from my family. I should have absolutely no problem making that happen solely through teaching music lessons and performing, but I just don't think I'm mentally prepared for that since so much of my anxiety, depression, stress, etc stems from music. More than likely, I just need to get a job that seems doable...like at a drug store, Target, or shoe store or something. A job that I can just wake up and go to without having to stress too much over whether or not I am good enough to do it. I'm used to making very good money teaching and playing, so I don't know how I'd handle working for minimum wage, but at least it might be enough to get my life started again and allow me to get help. I'm not a person who needs or cares about expensive apartments, cars, clothes, gadgets, etc so I should be able to manage. But the two worries I have are 1) that my depression will cause me to lose the job and end up right back where I am now 2) that I will be abandoning music...the one and only thing about this life that makes sense to me and give me meaning (despite the fact that it's also the biggest cause of my troubles). I feel like it may be very difficult to find my way back into the music world if I abandon it to work 40 hours a week in a shoe store.

[Ladyzero]

A hug from me x

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

((((OPRMC)))) I hear you. Glad you are here and posting. There are many members that understand and can relate (me included).

I hope you will be able to muster up some energy to do some online research and look for Ts in your area that practice on a sliding scale. Then, when you can muster up a little more energy, call around. Talk to intake coordinators and explain your situation.

The first steps are the hardest, and most exhausting...

...but you have already makes strides by finding PC and posting here. You have found a community that understands and cares.

Thanks...it feels good just to be able to anonymously post about these things that have been dragging me down for so long. Half the time I'm able to convince myself that I'm really just lazy and that I don't even "deserve" to be depressed because nothing horrible has happened to me. It's so easy to tell myself, "oh...you're just having a bad day...buck up". Then I look at what I wrote in my original post and think, "wow...I have a ton of issues". The fact that I'm able to get out of bed and that i never cry makes me think I'm really ok...and then I take one of these online depression tests, and every single time it tells me that I'm in the medium or high range for almost every single category. Makes me wonder what kind of a hell some of you are living in who truly have reasons to be depressed. Also makes me wonder how great life must be for my "normal" friends on Facebook who are always posting pictures and stories that give me a glimpse inside of what life is like without depression. I feel like if most people won a million dollars they would go on vacations, and throw parties. If I won a million dollars, I would get a small studio apartment and a used car and be happy that I'd never have to wake up before 2pm again or have to leave the apartment more than once a week. Actually, I think I've just described my ideal life as a depressed person...I just want to sleep until the middle of the afternoon, not have to go outside or talk to anybody or do anything, and be able to sit at home occasionally practicing music in those times that occur less and less frequently where music feels like a joy instead of a chore.

[Soundoff]

Welp, OMRMC, thanks for making me bawl my eyes out and trust me when I say, I don't cry. It's surprising how similar your situation is to mine and it really made me realize that I'm not as " just ok" as I pretend to be. I don't even think I can slightly suggest anything for you to do to improve your current state or I'd be a hypocrite. But I can say that, the fact that you were able to take a walk is great and is progress, even though its little it should be celebrated. Anyway, if your able to miraculously find a solution be sure to let me know.

[Sadley]

Hey OPRMC, there are so many things you have said that are mirrored in my own life it isn't even funny. I'm a 23 year old male and I feel very much like my life is headed in the same exact direction as yours. I live with my mom and my brother, my brother is 31 years old. I've never had friends or a girlfriend in my life. I worry about all the same things you are worrying about daily. I too have been interested in music in the past. I've played in jazz band at school on the bass guitar. Now, I have no interest in music at all, let alone anything. I don't have any suggestions for you as I am obviously in the same boat as you, but just wanted to let you know I feel the exact same way.

OPRMC, feeling depressed is awful. It is depressing being depressed! I understand what you mean by not being able to share with your family. Some, like mine, use it against you or take it personally somehow. It is weird.

I also understand that many people do not understand depression. They can be cruel, too, and dismissive. The buck up expectation/comment is pretty awful.

Members have shared here on other threads the most irritating and annoying comments and cliches people spew to/at/about depression and how frustrating it is. The simply just do not get it. The good thing is, we do.

Please try to not compare yourself to others who you feel have more of a reason to feel depressed. We all are unique snowflakes that brought us to this point...it is all important and real. However we landed here it is all important and real.

I wanted to also mention that FB is probably one of the WORST places to go when we are feeling depressed. Yes, some of our friends are living "the life" but most are getting by and have challenges, as well. They are just not talking about it on their pages. Unless they are looking for support and/or sympathy. But even then, it is masked.

Depression and other mental health issues are insidious because there is still a (weird) stigma attached. Many people do not understand that it is as real, miserable and scary as other challenges human beings face.

They say things like, "you have everything. You have been given everything. How could you possibly be depressed?" Well, that is bullhockey. There is more to life than being "given" things. And "things" do not make us happy or represent who we are in our spirits.

Frankly, my friends that seem to be living the life, on and off FB, are also covering up things with alcohol, shopping, trips, vacations, etc. There is usually stuff going on behind the scenes that we just dont know about.

The bottom line, too, is that we call them "friends" on FB, but are they really our friends if we cannot tell them how we are feeling? They may be superficial or "fun" people that we know, but arent really our friends. Just something to think about.

I encourage you to keep posting, sharing...when you feel comfortable, you can share even more. You mentioned some family "pressures" and some challenges you have faced with your mother.

Many of us can relate to that ,as well. In fact, I became depressed in large part because of my relationship with my family and a parent that put wayyy too much pressure on me to be something that I didnt want to be. And never would /could be: perfect.

Originally Posted by OPRMC

Thanks...it feels good just to be able to anonymously post about these things that have been dragging me down for so long. Half the time I'm able to convince myself that I'm really just lazy and that I don't even "deserve" to be depressed because nothing horrible has happened to me. It's so easy to tell myself, "oh...you're just having a bad day...buck up". Then I look at what I wrote in my original post and think, "wow...I have a ton of issues". The fact that I'm able to get out of bed and that i never cry makes me think I'm really ok...and then I take one of these online depression tests, and every single time it tells me that I'm in the medium or high range for almost every single category. Makes me wonder what kind of a hell some of you are living in who truly have reasons to be depressed. Also makes me wonder how great life must be for my "normal" friends on Facebook who are always posting pictures and stories that give me a glimpse inside of what life is like without depression. I feel like if most people won a million dollars they would go on vacations, and throw parties. If I won a million dollars, I would get a small studio apartment and a used car and be happy that I'd never have to wake up before 2pm again or have to leave the apartment more than once a week. Actually, I think I've just described my ideal life as a depressed person...I just want to sleep until the middle of the afternoon, not have to go outside or talk to anybody or do anything, and be able to sit at home occasionally practicing music in those times that occur less and less frequently where music feels like a joy instead of a chore.

[Sadley]

I just wanted to say I agree with Rose Panachée on every level. You had a lot of good points. For me, I have some "friends" on FB that don't talk to me anymore, but they were never really my friends. Other than that all I have are family members on FB.

And OPRMC, I reread what you said about how your mom is, and mine is the same way. She treats me like I'm still 13. When I was in group therapy they told me a big thing of coming out of depression was "re-parenting" yourself. It is kinda hard when you still live with your mom. I know what it feels like to be stuck inbetween not wanting to hurt her feelings and having the need to express how you feel and what is going on. It is awful. I'm still trying to figure out what to do.

I didn't escape mine (Family of Origin) until I was 33.5 years of age.

Come to find out they were the direct source of my mental health issues and when they started undermining my recovery process I kicked them to the curb.

I got a little furnished studio apartment of my own.

I quit a job with benefits that I'd had for 18 years because I couldn't handle it and my wrecked mental health simultaneously.

I took a job as a cashier at a convenience store working 10pm - 6am so I'd have as little responsibility and contact with people as possible. That freed me up to focus on my mental health issues.

I then took myself over to the county mental health office because I had no insurance and couldn't afford private therapy or anti-depressants.

There was a group for anxiety and panic that I attended weekly for about 5 years at no cost and my antidepressants only ran me about $5.00 a month.

Whew! Talk about a lifesaver!

I've been working on my recovery process for a total of 20 years now and am now back to working a job with more responsibility and people interaction, but I've worked really hard to get my mental health back to where I can actually do that.

But had I not done what I did 20 years ago, I wouldn't be here typing this.

I hope you are able to "save" yourself too.

No matter what it takes!

Thanks for all the nice replies. It's such a relief to write what I have written here and get kind, understanding responses. I'm so used to feeling like *anything* I share with others that even hints at unhappiness is going to be greeted with skepticism, anger, annoyance, judgment, etc.

I have hundreds of Facebook "friends" due to various musical connections, but only a few people I know very well. Any time I have posted a comment to FB revealing anything deeper about myself I wake up the next day only to realize that I'm going to have to respond to a bunch of people who are borderline attacking me for saying anything truthful about myself...almost as though they realized that something I said about myself was true for their lives as well and rather than admit to themselves that they might be a little bit like me, they criticize instead.

So, thanks for being understanding and non-judgemental. I thought I was going to have to put up a shield even here, but it looks like I've finally found a place where kind people exist!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by OPRMC

Thanks for all the nice replies. It's such a relief to write what I have written here and get kind, understanding responses. I'm so used to feeling like *anything* I share with others that even hints at unhappiness is going to be greeted with skepticism, anger, annoyance, judgment, etc.

I have hundreds of Facebook "friends" due to various musical connections, but only a few people I know very well. Any time I have posted a comment to FB revealing anything deeper about myself I wake up the next day only to realize that I'm going to have to respond to a bunch of people who are borderline attacking me for saying anything truthful about myself...almost as though they realized that something I said about myself was true for their lives as well and rather than admit to themselves that they might be a little bit like me, they criticize instead.

So, thanks for being understanding and non-judgemental. I thought I was going to have to put up a shield even here, but it looks like I've finally found a place where kind people exist!

I've found this to be a non-judge mental place to hang. Even when I'm not posting much.

[Touch of gray]

Originally Posted by OPRMC

I'm so used to feeling like *anything* I share with others that even hints at unhappiness is going to be greeted with skepticism, anger, annoyance, judgment, etc.

The only emotion that was safe to express in my family was humor. And that isn't even an emotion. There's a very good book that you probably wouldn't want your family to see you reading. (So go to the library and read it. A win-win situation) It's called Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb Ph.D. I sure got a lot out of it.

Originally Posted by Touch of gray

The only emotion that was safe to express in my family was humor. And that isn't even an emotion. There's a very good book that you probably wouldn't want your family to see you reading. (So go to the library and read it. A win-win situation) It's called Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb Ph.D. I sure got a lot out of it.

Thanks for the suggestion, though having a Kindle reader app on my computer is a lifesaver for no longer having to hide books from the family!

Your statement hits amazingly close to home. The ONLY time I open my mouth in a family setting is to make a little joke. I'm the youngest, so I guess it was just assumed that I had nothing to say growing up, and now I'm 30 and have seen a lot more and have a much wider perspective on things than the majority of the rest of my family who rarely leave their suburban comfort zone. Yet, I'm not a financial success, so I must not have any worthwhile thoughts!

I have a birthday coming up and the thing I'm dreading most is that I know I'm going to have to take a phone call from a judgmental family member who will call to say happy birthday then give me a lecture about how wrong it is that I'm living with our parents, tell me for the millionth time how I need to have money saved and invested, and generally proceed to tell me how to run my life because I must not be smart enough to figure it out myself. I know that type of stuff shouldn't bother me, but having family members pile on when I already feel worthless because of my situation just pushes me down deeper.

It's interesting to me that I'm realizing as I write these posts that my family is actually driving me away from them and making me desire to never have to deal with any of them ever again once I get back out on my own...and the whole reason is that they can't just sit back, relax, and let me run my own life. None of them are "bad" people and most of them mean well, but my whole life has been spent trying not to displease them.

It's not just the things that *I* do that matters to them...it even relates to people in my life. If I dated somebody with a tattoo or piercing I'd have to hide it from them to avoid their judgment. If I dated outside of my race, I would have to hide it from them because the fact that my dad grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere means that I have to pretend it's 1940. I'm pretty sure that if I dated somebody who was a little bit overweight, I would hear about it from them. I have a family member who unknowingly dated a person who was bipolar and when they found out, they asked my parents for advice, and the advice was to dump them! All I can say is, that person sure dodged a bullet by not marrying into our family!

I hope it's ok that I'm just telling these stories and venting here. It feels good!

Thanks to all of you who have read, hugged, commented. It has seriously been such a relief to be able to say these things here and know that other people understand. I mean...I said things in my very first post here that I've never told another person on earth before. Can't we all just form our own country on an island somewhere?

These posts and responses have been the first times in so long that I felt like I was genuinely talking to people. Even with friends I feel like everything I say goes through a filter first to make sure I don't say anything too dark or negative or upsetting...and I know they are using their own filter to make sure they are coming across as the person they want me to see them as. It all just seems to fake. I know I'm sounding like an angsty high schooler when I say this, but it's true. I just wish that in our daily existence everyone could be genuine...I'm just imagining how much different life would be if we lived in a world where instead of feeling like we have to smile and say, "i'm good!" we could just tell the person about all the things making us want to curl up in the corner. I would be totally ok with a cashier at the drug store who I've never met before bawling their eyes out and telling me about the car payment they can't make, the student loan they can't afford, the divorce they are in the middle of, etc. I wonder how much bottled up anger, sadness, hate, fear, etc every person we encounter in life is pushing deeper down inside them when they smile and say they're fine.

I've been really trying my best to stop judging people who do mean, bad, inconsiderate things...even really, really horrible things because I think to myself, "wow...if that person is capable of doing something THAT terrible to me, they must be dealing with something REALLY horrible." I remember walking along the street one day and noticing that my shoe was untied and I just got down to tie it and started fighting back tears harder than I ever had before in my life. I just kneeled down there and did nothing for I don't know how long...just trying not to cry in public at my shoe. This was a busy street in a busy city and I'm sure that everyone who passed by was thinking I was the world's biggest a-hole for just sitting there on the sidewalk making it harder for them to get where they needed to go. Of course, they had no idea about the personal hell I had created for myself and all the things that led up to that shoelace being the last straw I needed to finally break me. I try to remind myself of that shoelace and that street every time I can't believe how unbelievably rude/stupid/inconsiderate somebody is acting...just trying to remind myself that a whole lifetime of pain can manifest itself in a single moment that you have no control over.

[Soundoff]

Pfft, I wish there was a high-five button, you're like a spokesman xD. About your birthday issue, I can relate I literally dread hearing my phone ring. I use to hate hearing family members give me the 'tough love' speech and say how I wasting my talent over and over again. Yeah, a 'tough love' speech can stick with you and make you think your situation over. But after hearing it for the 10th time from 5 other people it's not tough love but plain on pestering, repetitive chatter. The sad thing about is that they think that their original or that unlike the other people that have tried, they're going to flick a switch in your brain and make you back to normal. Also, I have to admit, I'm judgmental as hell. Someone that could burst into tears and end up telling you their life story, is exactly who my mother is, which attracts vultures. Due to her I learned to build a metal wall in front of me with a gigantic telescope so that I can observe people and judge. I may not voice my judgments but lets say, if I was introduced to someone new, I would have my idea of their personality, background, intentions within minutes. I try to use my judgements to protect myself, to prepare me and its really unreliable so Im pretty sure I pushed away some people that could of been awesome. I guess that's why there are people that tend to hate me for no reason at all, I deserve it.

Originally Posted by Frannii

Pfft, I wish there was a high-five button, you're like a spokesman xD. About your birthday issue, I can relate I literally dread hearing my phone ring. I use to hate hearing family members give me the 'tough love' speech and say how I wasting my talent over and over again. Yeah, a 'tough love' speech can stick with you and make you think your situation over. But after hearing it for the 10th time from 5 other people it's not tough love but plain on pestering, repetitive chatter. The sad thing about is that they think that their original or that unlike the other people that have tried, they're going to flick a switch in your brain and make you back to normal. Also, I have to admit, I'm judgmental as hell. Someone that could burst into tears and end up telling you their life story, is exactly who my mother is, which attracts vultures. Due to her I learned to build a metal wall in front of me with a gigantic telescope so that I can observe people and judge. I may not voice my judgments but lets say, if I was introduced to someone new, I would have my idea of their personality, background, intentions within minutes. I try to use my judgements to protect myself, to prepare me and its really unreliable so Im pretty sure I pushed away some people that could of been awesome. I guess that's why there are people that tend to hate me for no reason at all, I deserve it.

Yes, the originality is the part that kills me too. Like, "Oh...so you spent 5 minutes the other night thinking over my situation and you've come up with some ideas? That's cool, because I've kind of been doing that very same thing every minute of every day ever since I was in pre-school when that kid kept on kicking over my block fort. Please, let me hear these ideas of yours." Maybe I'll just send out an email to friends and family the night before my birthday stating each of the possible solutions I expect them to present to me, followed by the responses I expect to give.

Yeah, I could definitely see the attracting vultures part. I suppose that would really only work in the perfect world...or possibly the island nation I proposed earlier. I have your same judgmental nature, though probably not quite as much so. I judge myself a thousand times more harshly than I could ever judge a stranger.

Anyway, high five.

A quick and relevant read from a blog that always sends me emails. Ignore the title...it's music focused, but probably applicable and easily understood by non-musicians as well.

Be More Confident at Your Next Audition by Going on a Facebook Diet — The Bulletproof Musician

[Soundoff]

Lmao, I forgot about that emoji. But due to people constantly trying to be my savior or telling me to talk to my 'savior' (my mother is very religious which attracts church members "in my time of need".) I end up never picking up the phone, answering text messages, or emails. I've made it so hard to get in contact with me, that I'm pretty sure if Family War 3 happened I'd be the last one to know. Also, I completely left out self-judgement in the post since its a whole other level of problems. I'm a perfectionist so this lifestyle I'm living now is like a war zone compared to the peaceful meadow life I planned out year by year. Not to mention that I criticize every little thing that happens to me and tell myself how stupid or delusional I am, which I'm far from.
I read the article, more than a Facebook diet I'm have a Facebook allergy. Not too long ago I stopped going on FB since I got tired of people messaging me, how I was doing and all I could do was lie or just say I'm ok. I got tired of feeling so envious and never being able to be genuinely happy for a friend. I deactivated my account and really happy with it, at least for now.

[FallenTree]

Wanted to say that these same winds of depression power my sails in similar fashion. I started in business for myself last year and as of late I can hardly get up off the couch and do anything. I do not feel capable... Its like someone tied a 50 lb weight to my soul. I want to sleep, watch TV and I Eat maybe one meal a day. I don't want to answer phone calls or talk to people....I'm convinced I am all washed up and the end with be approaching....That I'll lose everything...I have accumulated some great stuff over the years but it is all meaningless to me....