I would love to have my head be empty for a little while and also have some good dreams... too bad we aren't built with an off button...

Had sons dad here for Christmas, he, as usual, did nothing to really show quality time with him, I asked him to play a game with son, nothing....
He really is not a dad. Makes me so angry and hurt for my son

Going to go have some leftover turkey.... maybe I can find something sweet,
son will be up soon, another day of tiredness

Originally Posted by herethennow

doing okay today. ironic thing is that i'm feeling okay yet somewhere inside me i'm sui.

anyway, happy boxing day to all of you

Hang in there, I know the mixed feelings too Happy boxing day to you too

Although I really enjoyed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, today it's back to the mundane of being unemployed and realizing not a lot of hiring will be going on until after the 1st. So, again, it's back to laundry and running odd errands, going to 12 step meetings, watching too much t.v. and resting too much. Yep, despite a couple of "good" days, the depression lingers. Sad that my life feels so empty today, and I feel so empty inside.

Just hoping my new AD, Prozac, will give me a mood and energy boost. Just started it 2 days ago, so no miracles yet. If it worked for me for all those years, will it PLEASE work again!?

[Daeva]

Nothing like going room to room listing the ways hyou can off yourself in that particular room. Oddly though I'm feeling pretty good, so have no actual feelings of doing it

Severely depressed right now that I had to spend Christmas in the hospital and had to miss my family's Noche Buena for the second year in a row. Spent most of yesterday laying in my bed staring at the wall.

[Rose76]

Things went awry starting late last eve . . . then got worse before dawn today. My apartment fixed up so nice for Xmas is kind of a mess now. My S/O proved an inconsiderate house guest. He's gone and has left a mess behind.

I'm so demoralized. Somehow I gotta not let this get the better of me. Right now it is.

[Grey Matter]

I know I am finally in a depressive episode because the idea of going out and seeing friends (my two friends, that I've truly missed) has become something I want to avoid.

I am currently sleeping on the sofa in the living room because I became paranoid with my bed and being sick and.. it doesn't make any sense. I think I am trying to deal with my illnesses and accepting them but not just going "well I have it so I will deal with it" but also "it's okay to be fuc**** angry about it" too.

eh. It's too much. I don't even want to think about the upcoming months, the only thing I am looking forward to is the POSSIBILITY of moving in with my partner sooner rather than later.

[Bark]

I kind of wish I wasn't around to see the new year. Eh, not my choice. Gotta trudge along.

Gotta lot of stuff to figure out.
My current "relationship" isn't what I had hoped, the responses I have had to my personal ad were more than ever, but nothing stellar.
Ex wants me back. I just don't know what to do. I'd love to see my kid everyday again, but what if it all goes to crap again?
This sucks!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Feeling crappy again today. Will force myself to go out, get gas, go to the bank and to an AA meeting. This afternoon, I'm sure, will be filled with my default activity of watching mindless t.v. Should be going out to dinner with my husband tonight. As usual, I will go in my bed probably after we get home just to escape the world. I'm tired of feeling like this and really need - - and deserve - - a break!

[herethennow]

back to the dumps. guess for a day of 'okay' i'll go back... for a long, long while.

also, sometimes i really wish mom would stop harping on the side effects of the medication. and start concentrating on understanding my condition, not just blabbering nonsense that my pdoc tried to tell her many many many times.

i.. wish i have family support.

[Grey Matter]

I am pushing myself to go to the mall, of all damn places, with my sister. Though I just got into bed and I don't even see myself moving for another day or so. Ugh.

[Rose76]

Man, what's goin on? We're all getting into funks. I see it's not just me. Like Grey Matter, above, I'm going to have to push myself to do something, but, like others above, I just want to lounge . . . and watch TV. It feels vaguely comforting, but I tell myself "that way lies madness."

I tend to think that nobody does anything without feeling like they have a good reason. Somehow, I got to come up with a reason to get off the couch.



I wanted to make the 12 days special. I already blew one day, Dec. 26th. And today is half blown. I got to get my joy back. My S/O can be a dope. That's what is driving this funk of mine. I'm giving him way too much control of my state of mind.

I'm wondering too, if all these ambitious people just do it because of their extreme need for self gratification... got to get myself a reason to keep going too. I really don't understand why my sister seems to never be depressed and has accomplished so much......while I drag myself around trying to do the simplest things. I do know she was loved and I was a mistake and I was neglected and she wasn't...
do need to stop letting others have control over what I think about too

Today I feel okay I think, got real angry last night, just you know, venting out loud to myself and yelling at God and I felt better after.

[Martek]

Just a little rise at Christmas, loved being able be blind luck to get my son the gifts he really wanted. Now back into a worse spiral of pain and depression. I wish I could go out and enjoy the season. Just can't seem to manage.

[herethennow]

My T and pdoc ask me often what is my trigger of being sad and sui..

I have none.

Just that i'm just sick and tired of being in this battlefield that i did not choose to be in. To be at war with myself everyday.

[Grey Matter]

I am so sorry a lot of us seem to be struggling. Sadly, this is the time of year where my depression gets to it's worst. Last year I spent it in a hospital. I can't wait till it's April simply because I know how my depression gets (it's not SAD shockingly, a lot of bad just happens to happen around this time of year).

I barely slept last night. Which means I'll want to sleep all day. And I know I can't. I can't do it.

[Bark]

I was feeling really poorly last night, so I took one of the meds I used to be on. Slept the night through, then almost all the day. I don't fancy taking it again tonight.

I've been thinking constantly of going inpatient again because... I've been thinking constantly of hurting myself or worse, and I don't know what other options I have.

how many times can a person be hurt by another before they cant take it anymore.....I was getting good at not thinking about it, until I have to put up with more abuse and lies. I feel so alone, so hurt by the bad choices in my life, don't know where to go from here. I cant find peace, all I see is the wrongs that have happened, and even my own part in it, things I should have done differently. Then I wonder, what could I have done different? All I wanted was someone to love me, was that so wrong?

[Rose76]

I'm slowly getting better . . . getting out of the funk I went into Thursday.

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by Bark

I was feeling really poorly last night, so I took one of the meds I used to be on. Slept the night through, then almost all the day. I don't fancy taking it again tonight.

I've been thinking constantly of going inpatient again because... I've been thinking constantly of hurting myself or worse, and I don't know what other options I have.

I know going inpatient isn't the easiest decision to make, but if you think that is necessary, then go for it.

doing ok today. just that i'm at war with food again. sigh.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by herethennow

I know going inpatient isn't the easiest decision to make, but if you think that is necessary, then go for it.

ok today. just that i'm at war with food again. sigh.

Feeling a bit better today, thankfully. I actually feel like doing things. Hopefully it stays this way. I want to at least make it until New Year's. I don't want anyone other than my dad knowing if I've gone in, and if I'm not around on that day... it'll be tough. I don't know, we'll see what happens. Going day by day.

I've lost the weight I gained on meds, and the appetite and ability to eat much as well. Depression just makes it tougher. Have you tried eating a bunch of smaller meals?

[Rose76]

not doing too good.

[Bark]

Mentally, I'm better. Physically, not so good. I'm not sure which I hate more, physical or psychological pain. Probably the latter. I can tough out the physical pain.

[Knitnut]

Started out the day using "didn't set the alarm" as an excuse to not hurry and go to church. Woke at 9:36, service begins at 10:30 and is two minutes...three blocks from home.

I then talked to a neighbor on the phone about going to a movie, she declined as she promised to take her disabled/blind daughter to lunch. But, she heard the lack of emotion in my voice. I have been home since Christmas Day. She called a bit later and asked me to join them. I did. She can always make me laugh, sometimes barrel laughs.

People know I am not a smiler. I have one person who comes up to me at church and grins. Her way of telling me to smile. She can read me well, better than anyone else. She teaches Social Psychology at a university in Baltimore.

It isn't any wonder people stay away from me!!

But I am back home where I feel safe. The only other place I feel safe is my psychologist office. Isn't that a sad state of affairs

The second quote below is true of me. Getting out and involved scares me. It amazes me all that I accomplished during my working years.