[phillygirl]

I've been seeing a therapist since the beginning of September and on Wellbutrin for a month short of that time. It's hard to describe how I feel now, at times it seems like the clouds part and I am happy for awhile. And not the happy on the surface, crrying inside that I've been so used to all my life. But that isn't all the time, mostly I'm kind of empty now. I still get some of the lows but not as bad and it doesn't seem to last as long. But the rest of the time, it's like I don't know how to 'be'. I've always been so down on myself all the time, if that lifts for a bit, there isn't much left. If that makes any sense.

I still feel like it's a fight every day to try to think in different ways. It feels like a game or an act, like I just say that stuff to myself because I know I should think that. Not because I do think that way now all the time. I still am really shy about talking about this stuff with most folks because I don't want to be 'that friend', the one with all the issues that's a pain to be around. But I don't always feel like putting on the face either. So then I tend to hide, which makes me feel like a loser and starts the whole thing over again.

I think the meds have made a difference. It still feel like its a crutch but one I needed to have at this point. I just don't know what to do with myself when I don't feel like crap all the time. So empty is the best way I can describe this place I'm in right now. Right now I'm fighting with the thought that it's not really worth it to try and feel better. All my life I've never been able to change anything, why should this time be any different? Surely I'm not the waste of a human that I've always thought. And now that I do know how my old habits make the mental spins worse, it makes it feel worse that I can't get them to stop sometimes.

So nuff rambling for this morning. I don't know what I'm asking really. Just is this a place that anyone else has been and does it ever feel like the depression goes away? It never has for me before, I want to be hopeful that I can feel better consistently but I still don't know if that can be.

[biplol]

*(((((Phillygirl)))))* soryy to hear that. Please don't take this as an advise, take it like my opinion and point of view. The main reason I wanted off meds was so I can "feel"; I felt the same way you do and I hated it so much. I felt like the best of me was flying away from me.
But talk to your Pdoc, let him know exactly how you feel and what's your goal about it.
Hang in there~

[phillygirl]

Thanks for the hug Biplol I'm trying to think of how better to describe where I am right now. I don't know that it's 'nothing' that I feel. It's more like if I'm not sad and beating myself up all the time, I don't know *what* to feel or what is there to me besides all the dark stuff. You know? There's still feelings there, just all the old ones. It's like my head doesn't know what to do if the old thoughts are weaker or gone. I've heard people talk about not feeling anything while on meds and I was worried about that too. But I don't think that's exactly what I'm trying to get at. I hope this makes a little more sense.

I should have done something about this years ago. She diagnosed dysthymia and an adjustment disorder. The pdoc said dystymia with a major depression. I agree with both of those actually. I really don't know what to do with myself at this point, feeling anything but crappy is just strange right now and that's kind of sad. But it is nice to see through the clouds even for a little bit these days.

[kimmydawn]

Hi there.

I so understand the struggle with depression/meds.

I was on them for over two years. At first, they were a relief...of symptoms, bad feelings, bad thoughts, etc. They were numbing for me and I needed a numbing.

However, when my body was starting to feel better on its own, the AD's (high doses I was on) wouldn't allow for that and I began to feel just numb period. Then it wasn't a welcome, or good, feeling.

I do understand. It sounds like possibly you should again talk with your dr.

I wish you well with this and understand what you describe.

KD

[Perna]

Phillygirl, when I was in that position, I suddenly thought of myself as a new, empty house ready to be moved into. All the promise, the order and ability to furnish it how I might like? I swapped the "empty" feeling for a feeling of "potential" and that made me feel a lot better. Think of ways to figure out what you might want, not that you're not so sad all the time? School? Better job? Art/writing/music? It's a little bit like starting over.

[sammi]

(((hugs)))

Hi i just to wanted to let you know i'm in the same stage as you are. I also started seeing a Therpist in September and started meds not long after that. I Just wanted to let you know i'm here for you. And believe me i ts like you took my emotions and wrote it all down for me. I think it almost becomes a matter of discovering ourselves again. Its like we knew ourselfs as sad lonely and depressed. Now a new person is starting to come through, but its a person we don't really remember or know. (or at least thats how i feel)

So i just wanted you to know i understand and that i'm here for you if you ever need to chat

Love sammi

[jacq10]

Sammi took the words right out of my mouth. Like the both of you I also started with a new T in September, and meds for the first time shortly after. Right now i feel very similarly to how you described feeling. Its hard trying to hide how you are feeling every day. It's physically draining, and it sucks. And as hard as it is, and as stupid as you may feel talking about it, if you can find at least one close friend / person to talk to .. it makes all the difference in the world. At first it's going to maybe make you feel guilty, or just feel dumb, but i promise you that if you can make that leap, and trust someone enough to open up, it will ease that cloud, and things will slowely become a little bit better, because that is one less person who you need to completly put that mask up for. You can do this, just hang in there, and take things one day at a time. Feel free to message me if you want, i'm here whenever
take care,
Jacq

[phillygirl]

wow, thanks for your answers, everyone. Sammi and Jacq, I'm not sure where to post this because i've seen posts from you guys on other threads that I could have written as well. You're right about that new person, I don't really remember when I wasn't like this and don't always know what to do with myself now. I'm really (I don't want to say happy because I know what you guys are feeling) comforted that it isn't just me that has these thoughts.

I had that close friend to talk to, that's a long situation that is exactly what Simon (I think) wrote in the Toy post today. D and I both had huge issues this year. I let him lean completely on me for everything. I relied on him too. He tried to commit suicide one night last winter and called me to save him. I helped him get himself get back together and let him use me for support all summer. I should really post this on the other thread but the gist is he threw me out when he didn't need me anymore and that drove me to my edge. That crash was when I decided to get help. So while I would love to be that close to someone, I can't bear to let my heart get smashed like that again.

so that was a tangent... I get the empty house analogy too. It makes me sad to think how much of me has always been wrapped up in all the dark stuff. That now my house is completely empty. I don't know how to be any other way. I know the words now and why my old thinking has been the problem, but I can't get it all together. It still feels like a play, I say this and then I should feel like that. You know?

[phillygirl]

I don't know if I should edit my last post or just add more here. But I really thought I was the only one to think this stuff. I've never known anyone (at least who will admit it) but I'm fascinated reading the posts here, that i'm not alone is a huge thing for me. I'm glad I found this place and you all answered me. I have a thing about feeling invisible a lot too. Other boards I post on (unrelated to depression stuff), I feel like I'm the wierd one that everyone just ignores or tolerates. I don't get answered much, so I assume it's because I'm odd. Or in groups when people are talking, I'll say things that don't get acknowledged and someone will say the same thing later, to great discussion. It's nice not to feel invisible here.

[jacq10]

(((Phillygirl)))) I'm glad that you don't feel as alone in your thoughts anymore. Feel free to PM me anytime

[Boopers]

Oh Phillygirl, I have been there many times as I have fought depression all my life. It runs deeply in my family. I am presently on wellbutrin and prozac and if it hadn't been for these meds, I wouldn't be here typing to you, so trust me, I know how you are feeling.
It sounds like you are at a spot right now where you are feeling less depressed but have felt that for so long, you now don't know "how" to feel. Take it slowly but you can do it. You can start to take your life back and start having actually good feelings and feelings of satisfaction.
I wish you and the others all the best.
Be good to yourselves,
Linda