Stressed... about to go into hospital

This is priceless:
Where does your step dad take his 21st century technology for fixing? - A psych ward.

Oh, the talent and intelligence in those confines...!
That is of great potential value. I wish I had had such counseling.

Now that the Malta episode is over, perhaps more satisfying therapeutic experiences are on their way.

Yeah, had I the energy and presence of mind at the time I probably would have made some witty comment on that notion lol. With that said, was a great distraction for me... really wasn't up for visitors but by the same token they are coming up once a week from 200 miles away so I do appreciate it and don't want to discourage them from making the effort.

Will have to see how it goes... how decent the advisor is and what kind of advice and guidance he can give. Will write up some key points to discuss before I go in so I can try and keep it on point.

Yeah, I'm hoping so too, she is really good and it's reassuring to have her back.

Feeling pretty low this morning. Trimmed my beard as it was becoming unruly, but retreated back into my room. Did some cutting to take the edge off.

Know better than to even bother talking to staff about a walk. Feeling terribly alone but trying to keep my chin up and look to what I have planned this afternoon (careers advice). Confused with the future, who I am, what direction I should take, how others interact with me.

Since the nurse has put into place the policy of only speaking to a contact nurse with regards to feelings and hence reducing mixed signals (that has been hit and miss in itself), I feel isolated as normal staff aren't interacting with me as much if at all. A flaw in the system I just have to accept I guess.

I never imagined you had a beard! :-)

So nice to hear from you again tj! :> If you ever feel lonely again you should try to log into the chat on this site! I may be online and we can have a chat! Please do that! You never know how well it can distract you or what else it can do!

It makes me chuckle too. In fact.... it sounds like the logic of a politician. xD

No on wants you to die or feel bad... but we also don't want you to get hurt! It might sound like it's better to si than anything else you could come up with if you didn't si but at the end we all wish that could stop that too, don't we? Do you have the mindset of that you want to stop si? I just wonder... :/ I think it's an important piece in the puzzle.

We are here for you as usuall!

Ok, going to open this up to opinion as it's confusing the crap out of me to be honest. My T neither condemns nor condones me self harming (the cutting) whereas the wife is not happy and the hospital are hard on my case about it.

Got very upset tonight while speaking to my named nurse (my direct contact and one that deals with my file) who expressed disappointment with the self harm and that obviously things aren't working... gave me a bit of a lecture during our chat and though she apparently thought we'd left it on a positive note... I was confused, angry and very worked up. She had re-iterated that when I'm angry at another (at hospital, not sure how pro-active it would be outside), I should write it down and hand it to my contact nurse on that shift who happened to be her.

Well I did just that... had been a horrendous day anyway (not sure if I want to elaborate at this time) and I had hoped for some reassurance rather than being told off and reinforcing the negatives that have been rather than trying to move forward.

Handed it to her and walked away. She came and found me 5 minutes later, sat on my bed (was on my chair) and said that this was exactly what she wanted me to do (had put in the letter towards the end that it would be times like this I'd be cutting, wanting to scream or just give up) and I burst into tears.

I hate being angry at others... probably why I self direct it, but while I cried I explained that it had been a horrid day, that I'd just wanted some reassurance and that I was worried about my appointment with the p-doc tomorrow... that everyone seems to harp on about the negatives and any positives are just taken as given or ignored... that it was really getting to me and I was finding it hard to cope.

She said that she'd add to my notes about my concerns with tomorrow and to ask the p-doc to acknowledge steps forward and that I and her would have a much longer chat tomorrow night.

She was however very pleased I'd written the letter rather than cut or did anything else impulsive.

She left... I cried for a little while till I could finally get myself together and then played a computer game to try and distract myself.

I really need to address the whole cutting issue though... it is a mixed message that I'm getting from my T and the hospital (obviously my T is working on longer term issues at the moment and seeing the si as a coping mechanism... that she just wants me to be careful with it).

With that said, wife was looking at my lower arms which have mostly healed up and was saying that they were going to scar, that I'd been tearing rather than cutting due to restricted resources and she's going to try and get some cream that helps with stretch marks or some such which might do the job.... woman stuff confuses me.

Saw what I'd done to my upper arm (very concealed) and was not happy.

(((((TJ))))

It's really not good that they seem to have such different opinions about it. I really thought everyone strongly disadvised you to use si in any way. I'm sry if my post about it made you confused or provoked something else bad.

Sounds like progress to me. It can be difficult to see it that way yourself through your own tears though.. :/

Tj, I know it's hard...but I think it's better for you if you are honest and don't keep such things away from those closest to you! They are there to support you!

Spoke to the nurse that was on the rota for the night shift as the above post by myself was very much on my mind and I wanted some clarification.... will speak to my named nurse about it tomorrow in more detail of course.

Anyway, this nurse was a bit concerned and at first misconstrued that my T had said it was 'ok' to cut... I reiterated that she was neither here nor there about it and was staying neutral on the issue... that we're dealing with other more pressing matters and that she just wants me to be careful with it.

Well the nurse said that from his view point, self harm is an addiction that can get out of hand. Whereas my cutting is just superficial at the moment, from experience, staff have often seen cuts starting to get deeper and deeper as the cutter becomes more confident and less afraid and this can lead to serious damage such as massive loss of blood or even severing of nerve endings.

As such it is going to be the stance of the nurses that I reduce the cutting... he personally wasn't expecting it to be an over night thing (much like trying to give up smoking or alcohol) but it would be far better to try and nip it in the bud while in hospital if I can and try to use healthier methods of coping (such as writing the letters as expressed above).

Was a helpful chat. Not saying it is something I'm going to find easy, but was good to have it laid out in that way other than 'don't do it' or 'we're disappointed you're still cutting'.

Ok, had a walk and chat with the deputy matron today (have butted heads with him in the past but he's complimented me many times on being able to stand my corner and despite some differences in opinion, I've come to respect him).

As such I'm more comfortable to talk about something that really upset me yesterday that led to excessive self harm and a lot of confusion.

Over my time being on the ward I've come to like certain members of staff and have been able to have a good laugh and chat with them... pretty much to the point that if I knew them outside of hospital I'd be happy to develop a friendship.

One in particular had become pretty close and the banter between us was quite funny and quick witted (put into context that I keep to myself for the most part, I come out of my bed area a couple of times a day for a max of 15-20 mins before I start getting tired unless I'm going for food or walks).

This person is a support worker rather than a nurse so unsure what their training is in the grand scheme of things... but they would let things slip on a personal level or would tease slightly below the belt... even on one occasion they pinged one of my elastic bands on my wrist so hard it left a red mark (I'm put here strongly that none of the above bothered me, I'm neither a tattle tail nor do I feel pain all that much, so it amused me more than anything).

On Saturday my mum, stepdad and wife came to visit and for whatever reason (wife has a big heart but doesn't always think before she speaks) introduced this support worker to my parents and said that is was almost as if we were siblings with the support worker being the older of the two... she also noticed the red mark on my hand and pointed it out to the support worker who blushed. I cringed inwardly, knowing full well the implication both remarks would have on a professional level - distance between patient and staff, favouritism etc.

The support worker was fine with me and normal both Saturday and sunday but then I noted that they started to become quite aloof and cold. As I am very selective with who I speak to and it takes me a long time to build up a rapport with someone it did hurt a little but I let it ride... by Wednesday however I'd had enough... was feeling very alone, so I bit the bullet and approached them about it. They said in a very stern way that staff can not be friends with patients, that there are however many patients on the ward and that I should spread out who I talk to. I felt myself go cold inside (defence mechanism), wall went up and said that that was fine and I was glad I knew where I stood.

Went into my bed area and cut the **** out of my upper arm... was so angry and upset. I am not a clingy person, hell I barely talk to anyone as it is and to have what had been one of the few connections I'd made blow up in my face was humiliating.

The support worker was obviously still uncomfortable and took it to their manager which got pushed up to the matron and deputy matron (guy I mentioned at beginning) and I got called into the office. Explained why I was there and I stopped them, said I understood perfectly, explained my reasoning, perspective on the situation (did not mention any unprofessionalism) and that if anything I was just feeling hurt and frustrated but that was life... explained my difficulties with building up rapports and that if anything I'd just keep to myself.

Deputy warden took me for a half our walk afterwards to cool off and just have a general chat, said that I'd handled the meeting incredibly well and that he firmly believed there had just been some misunderstanding and as such to keep my distance from that member of staff... but to perhaps have a quiet word when we got back to acknowledge I'd been spoken to and that there were no hard feelings.

Well I did so... and weirdly enough, the staff member immediately started bantering with me again as if nothing had happened... confused the hell out of me but I let it ride and just concluded they were weird.

Unbeknownst to either of us this was observed by the deputy warden... so while we walked today I just threw into the conversation that I was a little confused and he then drew me into a conversation about it. That he had since spoken to that member of staff about sending off mixed signals and how in my particular case was very triggering and unprofessional... that they were to keep things on a neutral basis from here on out. I was glad he told me this and said as such, making the comment that had he not told me, if on the next shift they were cold and aloof I would be confused to crap all over again to which he agreed.

In conclusion, I know people are complicated... but finding mixed signals and comments left unsaid very hard to handle right now and I think this has been quite eye opening for both me and certain members of staff.

i would find that confusing, too. especially in that situation. but actually in any situation.
it's great you talk to people about these things. I don't think everyone would be so reasonable to address that instead of just withdrawing.

Hi TJ, completely understand how it all felt so confusing. What have you got to work with if there are just too many bits of the puzzle missing??
Sounds like you were let down on a few sides there......the support worker could have been a little less "distant"-and certainly not "stern"- with you after they were talked to (didn't sound "neutral" to me) and you could have been given a little more/sooner explanation for the change. Still from the deputy wardens advise they probably weren't fully clued in either!!
[And if anyone tells you "to keep my distance from that member of staff." when you've done nothing wrong, don't let them get away with it, OK??!! ]
But this: "this has been quite eye opening for both me and certain members of staff" that's got to be a good thing out of all of this right?? Lessons learned.........??
And you- you were opening up about your feelings there!! Good one TJ!!!!! Seriously give yourself "a pat on the back" for that!!!!

And OK, tried but can't resist saying this, sorry............this "even on one occasion they pinged one of my elastic bands on my wrist so hard it left a red mark" is majorly out of line!! Really!! I know I'm not going to convince you to report this, am I?? Or am I?? At least think about it for me, please??!! Maybe just mention it to someone??

But not to distract from how well you did in communicating what was going on for you and building some good connections there TJ - another "pat on the back"!!



Alison

Just had a nap after a long day of dealing with visitors, having my ward round and having a few emotional moments (was too much stimulus for my liking and as 20 min social interaction at a time is about my limit, hours at a time exhausted me).

Had a bit of a panic in the afternoon and I retreated into my bed area, leaving my wife in the lounge area... this would have been one of those moments that I would have si'd or worse but I wrote a letter to my contact nurse, came back out and handed it to her... then went back to my bed area just feeling miserable.

She came and found me 10 mins later and essentially had to tell me what to do... felt like such a child, but I kind of needed instruction as I was overwhelmed: ask wife to come back later, get breaks if I need them... cancel visitors if I am not coping. I said that I felt so rude and selfish for not having the strength to just get on with it... but she said they'd understand.

My wife was actually quite good about it, she knows me well enough... even at home (though to me it was just routine and I never thought anything of it) I normally interact for a short space of time before going away for me time.

I am very direct when it comes to a point that I know an issue needs resolving. My wife (who sometimes cringes when I do it) and the deputy warden have said that what I do and how I do it isn't exactly wrong; that it cuts past the crap and gets straight to the point - but can make the recipient very uncomfortable as it's not usual behaviour... so I can understand that it might be intimidating and awkward (I'm usually very calm when I do it)... but yeah... to me, better to just confront a problem than beat around the bush, say nothing at all and let things fester.

I think the distants issue is for my benefit rather than as a rebuke. Part of my care plan has been to reduce mixed messages and triggering situations (ironically, the same support worker nearer the beginning of my stay here sent me into a right mess when she commented on my cutting just before I was about to receive visitors and I had a melt down... we became quite close after that as we both chatted and found out we had a similar sense of humour).

I appreciate the concern but I'm not one for dropping others in the crap. I know the obvious counter argument to that would be 'but it would prevent them doing it again' and perhaps it would... but I think they are intelligent to know that they crossed the line... I've seen their expression of 'oh crap' the couple of times it happened and I know they are good at their job... this has just been one of those situations where the line between patient and staff has been muddied due to how affable we became.

Hopefully it's a lesson learnt for them... no reason to rub their noses in it.

Don't get me wrong... I really do get what you're saying... just been uncomfortable enough as it is... I don't have the energy or will to make a big issue of it now.

Got a day just for me today, no visitors, no activities of major interest. Woken up with a bit of fire in me... hard to explain... not sure if it's a good thing or a step back, a defence mechanism that will be recognised by others as strength whereas it's my sheep in wolfs clothing mask.

What happened with that support worker earlier in the week still hurts and though I am using healthier methods to express myself rather than SI (up to now at least), I have shut down social communication in the rl (real life) with staff and patients as much as possible.

Will utilise the 15 minutes I have allocated to use to speak to a nurse each shift but other than that stay out of the way... ear phones in, shut out the noise and write, play a few games, watch movies or go for walks.

Finally showed one of the nurses my cuts on upper arm last night, were from days back but they've been sore and unattended so ideally needed cream for them. Dr was contacted and cream has been prescribed.

On a plus note, suicidal intent has been seriously reduced... had one wobble yesterday. While waiting to see if the nurse would respond to the letter I wrote and feeling so worn down and dejected I did eye up the dvd for breaking up... I succumbed to two small cuts on my upper right arm that I've told no body about (had waited 15 minutes by that point and needed some release) and ironically she knocked on the door and walked in... threw the implement in my draw and covered my arm pretty damn fast.

Hi TJ, the bit about the support worker...........that's OK, didn't think I could convince you to say anything about them anyway
But if anything like that were to happen again, you'd just let them know how wrong it was, hey?? Please!!
And right now, it is understandable that you'd be knocked by it, and be retreating from people a bit. But remember like you said.............some lessons could have been learned from that (and I'm not just saying- by you!!!). And you were building up some good rapports with some people in there so you don't want to be loosing that, especially when you were/are doing so well communicating how things are for you with others.
So try not to let an incident that revolved around ONE person take that away from you, if you can help it.

And do you think you could schedule in a few more days here and there just for you....without visitors.....It's got to be pretty "full on" in there in one way or another at times so a bit of "quiet", more restful time, no pressures has to help occasionally???
And good you showed the nurse the cuts last night. Openness/honesty can be your friend sometimes .
REALLY good that the intent's reduced though!!!! Not that it's done it on it's own, you've put A LOT into turning things around a bit!!! Well done!!! And there may be the occasional wobble but don't "beat yourself up" about that. It just takes time........

Alison

So far, have to admit, had a pretty decent day all things considered. Was a bit waylaid by a text from a friend who's been made redundant from work (made a different thread about it) but sent texts back and forth and she's actually going to pop round to see me on Sunday (staff have been encouraging me to brave some home leave again after the disastrous first try, and the wife decided that this Sunday we'd have a quiet BBQ at home).

Had a good chat with the nurse who is in charge of my file (and scares the crap out of me most of the time)... a really good chat... I was focussed and alert and I think it surprised her. We were quite frank with each other... I know she is brutally honest and I said that sometimes I'm not always able to handle the cold truth of situations but I know it would be counter productive if she coddled me or let me get away with slips without being hard on me just to save my feelings.

That I can be stubborn (she nodded) and said that being told 'don't do something' is less helpful to me than actually giving me a reasoned explanation: I elaborated regarded the cutting discussion I mentioned above. She conceded this point.

She brought up me still worrying about the support worker and how it was effecting my mood (wrote today that I had taken an anti-social stance since then as a defence mechanism) and I explained that I worry to the point of crisis until I know exactly where I stand with something... I brought up how waiting for the appointment to be assessed for personality disorder and screened for aspergers was driving me crazy (she questioned the last one and I went and got the break down of traits my T has identified).

Told me to just let things like that be and not worry... said I'd try but a bit long in the tooth to be changing that kind of behaviour.

But yeah... all in all it was good. She's back on shift on Wednesday and I sheepishly joked that did that mean I could slip badly tomorrow... but as long as sunday onwards went okay she wouldn't give me a telling off? She said no, and I should know her well enough by now to know she wouldn't let that slide hehe.

Hi TJ, Glad today's gone well for you but re this: "encouraging me to brave some home leave again after the disastrous first try". Well a lot's gone on for you/a lot's changed since then, and you've made some real breakthrough's. Now doesn't compare to then, take this as a new opportunity.
And if it were to be hard.............well hey, you can have a plan pre-prepared for if things do get difficult can't you e.g. if I feel like ..........I'll do.........and if that doesn't work I'll..........and so on. And you know some of the triggers to avoid as well don't you e.g. you'll not be going out to a busy restaurant with your wife..........So I'd say you've definitely earned this, just try to make the best of it/enjoy it as much as you can.
And with this: "that being told 'don't do something' is less helpful to me than actually giving me a reasoned explanation" I wouldn't necessarily link that with stubborness. I'd say it worked that way for a lot of people. Could call that just showing someone respect rather than "dictating" to them??
And as for the aspergers well if............that needn't change your identity at all, and it doesn't mean you have to change your identity either.........if it might as much lead you to finding some more coping skills/tools to help you be you (although you are starting to make a real good job of that already!! ).
And this (!!): "She's back on shift on Wednesday and I sheepishly joked that did that mean I could slip badly tomorrow... but as long as sunday onwards went okay" I'm saying NO to that too, OK??!!
But as ever, you know, if you're struggling anytime, we're here

Alison

Trying to rest before quite a full afternoon and evening with my mum and stepdad coming to visit. The support worker I had problems with earlier in the week is on shift this morning, they have tried to joke with me but I've been wary and civil as is the case with most other staff.

Just hit me 5 minutes ago that perhaps I'm just destined to be alone, to give the pretence of friendlyness but to always be on my guard and never allow myself to be drawn into deeper interactions with others (other than my wife and mum) for fear of over extending and see it blow up in my face.

As such I got a wave of sadness, perhaps I am just too naive and emotionally immature to be prepared for rejection and the unpredictability of others... You'd think by my age I should have this all figured out by now and I despise myself for this weakness.

Am I destined to just grow old, alone, trusting no one and being a miserable grouch for it... I'd rather be dead than that.

Flip side, that is the negativity speaking

To give to others irrespective of knowing I myself am alone is a purpose. To seriously look into helping others with MH difficulties seems a just and right thing to do... Suffering is horrible and I want to reduce that state for others... Perhaps, just perhaps that in turn will make my own existence that bit more bearable.

Hi TJ, well to borrow a few words of wisdom from someone..........."that is the negativity speaking" .
Perhaps/understandably............building lasting connections/trusting people/knowing that you're worthy of not just winding up being rejected by people/knowing that you are able to really matter to people/coping with or accepting other peoples unpredictability is hard for you right now. But that's just it, we're talking right now.
And you know you are/have already broken down barriers in developing rapports/being able to be open with people and that does all go towards showing you can move/are moving forward.
And look at some of the friendships you've managed to hold onto even though you've gone through some really hard times!!! That says so much about you!!

And besides that, your caring, sensitivity, consideration towards others has come across in so many of your posts- you aren't going to be alone!!! You're going to get people sticking by you because you're you!!!



Alison

The ToeJam nobility again rises to the surface. Hear, hear!
Observation: Any number of important things in life appear when they are not sought. Being alone, and then going about life without giving thought to aloneness seems to have its way of evolving into a state of connectedness or companionship.

Wishing you a visit that is pleasant and not too full! Maybe Stepdad will bring more technology requiring fixing...

Sry I haven't replied ... I've had own problems and not being able to catch up on the reading.


Well I guess we've all been there. I don't think you are destined to anything like it. I think you are destined to become a great man! Or in fact... you kinda already are.. I admire you.

I'm glad you are back on updating this thread. Hugss!

do you think it needs to be either completely like this or completely different?
maybe there is a way between the extremes. like e.g. not expecting so much from others immediately but carefully allowing a relationship to develop if it happens. it's good to know that people can be like that. still I wouldn't use the strange behavior of a few people as a model for the rest of your life.
most people change during life anyway and see things differently again and again. so it's unlikely that things are always going to be the same from now on if you don't want that.

(sorry if I'm not helpful. I don't want to interfere so much. but I had these ideas before. so I thought I write what I think about it when I'm more optimistic.)

Thanks mate and yeah, that's a good point. Things have been a tad chaotic over the past couple of months (year since I've been on these boards and beyond) so I probably am fixating on the negative... but then that's the nature of the beast I suppose heh.

The visit went well, my mum actually asked me what would help facilitate a healthier afternoon out (as my getting tired and overwhelmed quick is something we both want to avoid... I love seeing her... and she has to travel a fair way to get here) so I said that if now and again, especially in crowded areas or if I conversation was getting too much, would she mind me putting my ear phones in for a bit... that I didn't want to be anti social, just needed to control the noise stimulus when it was too much.

We went for a meal in a pub and at first I was like 'hell no' to that idea... but she said I didn't have to talk, just eat, listen to music and read my book on my phone while I ate.... was a really nice meal. After that we went down to the canal and had a walk, was hardly anyone around and it was very peaceful, had a nice chat and all in all was one of the better visits I've had yet.

Thanks chap not going to be a negative nancy to the compliment... just I think I have a lot of room for improvement till I get there... but at least at the moment I am starting to see a positive future rather than a constantly negative one... will take it a step at a time and certainly putting improving my health before I start jumping into things with both feet again.

No, it's a helpful comment and you're right when it comes to extremes... that is one of my flaws - very much all or nothing and I have a lot of trouble with the middle ground... that's not to say I'm unwilling to explore changing that side of my behaviour... it's just how things have been to now.

And you are spot on about the not 'using the strange behaviour of a few people as a model for the rest of your life'... problem with that is when it catches me off guard... when you establish attachments especially when vulnerable (I think I'm starting to toughen up again, but I was struggling hard up till recently) the impact can have a lasting effect. It woke me up a little this week though... the action of that person (inadvertently) sparked a fire and focus that I had lost so not seeing this from a completely negative view point at point of writing this now... I may at points in the days to come but that will come with the low mood.

Hi TJ, just dropping by to say: really pleased for you that the visit went so well
Alison