Stressed... about to go into hospital

Oh, yes. That's my "normal".
That can quickly wear one down. "Alert! Human interaction imminent! Full power to Civil Persona 2.0!"

That did make me laugh and is exactly how it feels. Could not have put it better, your wit when you choose to use it is excellent!

Crisis team lady came, ironically the same lady I saw that arranged for the psychiatrist to come to assess me that led to my hospital admission. I say ironic as with the crisis team, they are quite a large group and to see one person more than once and certainly in successesion is rare.

Was in low mood and was probably good the wife came in... we had put the dog in her cage but the lady said she loved dogs so Sadie was let back out which was actually great as once she'd got fuss from our guest, she came over to me and just let me stroke and pet her while we talked.

Told her that Friday night had been very hard, that I'd felt obligated not to call the crisis team and as such had felt very trapped in all directions. She expressed surprise at this but said that everyone has their own approach... she however would never tell a patient to not call if they were struggling.

Said that yesterday had been good till late evening when my mood dipped and that I had been self harming. Asked me if I have other techniques to use and I admitted that yes, technically I do... but I am stubborn and when things are really bad I fall back on what really works. She smiled and asked if I was a Taurus (star sign) and I said yes... transpires she is too and though it's all mythical bs... stubbornness is a renowned trait for us bulls.

Admitted to suicidal thoughts and she quizzed me on the reasoning for it... I warned her that the following might seem like a tangent but it led to a point (mentioned this earlier in the thread a few pages back)... that I had seen a great t-shirt with the phrase 'I love to sleep, it's like being dead but without the commitment'

That what I desired was just nothingness... endless nothing, no consciousness, no thought... an ending where the power just switched off.

To this she was open to and said that it was the depression speaking... that the meds will help ease that off... the motivation will return... part of it will be down to me as well to change but it was doable.

That with my diagnosis and referals for other screenings I was in a fortunate position of being having the psychiatric community nurse referral as they will be a specific person who will get to know me, build a rapport with and develop a care plan with for the future.

That with both the crisis team... and then the nurse, I should never be afraid to call (I did mention that one of the reasons I had laid off calling was out of worry about being forced back to hospital) as it is in my best interests, and their goal to avoid hospital re-admission... so I should utilise the service when I'm struggling. She also asked for my consent that my wife could call too if she has concerns or I am spiralling badly... I said yes.

She's going to call me again tomorrow afternoon... re-iterated to call before then if I needed to.

Sounds like it went well with the crisis team lady

Had to laugh, as I am a stubborn taurus too

I hope things continue to look up for you, you have come a long way

Sounds like things are improving, sounds like a good plan is being put in place for you. I hope everything continues to improve.

Hi TJ, sounds like you have a really good plan of action and support in place for the future. Maybe it can help give you just a bit of "peace of mind"/confidence for if...............??
As for phoning the crisis team when/if things are hard though, well perhaps see it more as you taking some control and positive action in reducing the possibility of having to go back to hospital. So, no need to wait until things are "critical" hey?
The sooner you call them if you see the signs coming, the easier it may be for that support to kick in/work.
And you know coming down from real "crisis" point is going so much harder than coming down from nearing that, and take so much more out of you (and not just the immediate effects either, right?).
But your stay at home..............I know there have been some difficult things to get through but.........other stuff......wow!!! Even comparing it to your last stay at home..........come on, even you've got to be impressed with you!!!
And the darker times.........maybe it's about accepting a bit that they may/possibly will come, afterall you're still "finding your feet" and improving on your list of things that might help and your coping skills, after all you've been through/are sometimes still going through- doing a great job of it, but work in progress, yes?.
So when they come, please don't be thinking that you're failing, you're not "up to it", it's beaten you again............just do what you can to work through them (you know they won't stay) and reach out for help/support. You deserve it!!!
Alison

Thanks for the positive replies.

It has been rather mixed today... but with exception to a bit of si this morning I have not done any since and the day has got progressively tolerable.

Had a call from my mate who is a cop and I could tell just by how I was talking to him that I was on a more even keel... was getting him to laugh and we chatted in a very normal way which was very different from when I saw him previously and I was unhinged.

He's told me he'll come see me next week whether it be at the hospital or at home depending on what my plans are for those days.

Had a nice chat with another via the chat function on here about zombies of all things... though I think she was humouring my slight over zealous enthusiasm hehe.

Not going to lie though, I am nervous about tomorrow... about returning to hospital... it is a high stimulus environment and it's been notable over this weekend how my anxiety if not my depression has reduced whilst being at home.

Will see how things go.

Gogo tj! Its great to follow your progress. In time you will be able to dispatch (?) .. You spent so many days in the hospital already i know you can deal with a few more now.

Its great that you could talk to your friend on a ... higher lvl.. (?).. I also believe that your posts seem diffirent ...

We are all there with you at the hospital.

Had a very long sleep last night... when I did finally wake, I was a bit sad and niffed as I was in the middle of what to me was an amazing dream... I was with my Dad and he was chatting with me and my Aunt (not so happy about her... was the bane of my life at times, but to see him was to see her as she cared for him in the latter years... a necessary evil I had to put up with). On awaking it was the slow transition of realizing that it had just been a dream and they were no longer alive. Was nice in a sort of bitter sweet kind of way... his voice was off in the dream, higher pitched (he had a deep gravely voice from years of smoking) but other than that... I just felt love.

Got a call from the crisis team at 2pm to check in on me and as of that point I was ok... not doing much, lacking in motivation but managing.

Come time to see my T I had a bit of a flip out as I thought we were going to be late (if things don't run smooth and according to schedule, my agitation starts to rise quick)... my wife was coming with me and we were going to get the bus.... she hadn't communicated with me prior that she thought I could go alone on my bike so had gone to get ready (takes me 5 minutes... takes her 40mins to 2 hours... is this a common woman thing... sorry for being a man on this :hashface: ).... come 20 mins before the appointment she was still not ready and there was no way we were going to get there in time. I was frantic as we were about to leave and hyperventilating... a draft rushed through the house as I was holding the door and it closed on my fingers... I flipped and instantly punched the wall on impulse

Wife grabbed me in a hug and told me to breath slowly... I did, collected my thoughts... said I'd cycle (at which she finally said she thought that's what I was going to do in the first place -.- )

Got there on time with 3 mins to spare (I'm a fast cyclist) and slightly out of breath. Wife had text her to say I'd be a bit late so she (t) was surprised to see me... did some calming techniques with me to reduce the adrenaline.

T session went ok, not going to elaborate to much on the point other than we talked about the conflict of hospital/home - anxiety/depression... in so much that at hospital my anxiety has been prevalent whereas at home with the lower stimulus my depression comes to the foreground and I will need to discuss this with my Psychiatrist on Thursday.

Another prevalent point that I guess (though uncomfortable... honest... but uncomfortable) I should discuss was something that needed to be talked about - my wife. I spoke to my T that I was having a hard time and I acknowledged that things were not going smoothly... wife has noted that my masks are great for dealing with others, however she has to deal with the real me... the fluctuations in mood, anxiety and unpredictability (all very honest and valid points... in short I probably seem like a bit of a bastard )... I had explained to my wife (and said to my T) that this was not so much that I wanted to be this way with her... but that because I trust her, love her and my guard is down... she sees the natural me, warts and all... and sadly my mh. T brought up that in truth this was a backhanded compliment but it is something I'm going to need to address... that during times where my mood is more level, to give extra attention to her.. give her hugs... do things round the house that makes life easier for her... show how much she is appreciated.. that though I might see it as a given... she needs to have it expressed... that living with someone with mh issues is very hard and that as her partner I need to (even if it's developing a small mask at hard points just for her) make it that more manageable.

Not sure if I've expressed the above very well... not very eloquently or whatever... I just know I love my wife... but I have to show her it more rather than just take it for granted that she knows.

Had dinner when I got home and gave her hugs... was honest and said what I'd talked about (in brief)... and that I'm sorry for the pressure I've put her under.

Slowly got ready and packed for returning to hospital... my anxiety was starting to rise up again... knowing I was going from the comfort of home and low stimulus to hospital and high stimulus... come time for leaving I had a bit of a melt down, refused to leave and ended up doing a fair bit of si... was really freaked out.

Wife calmed me down.. said she'd come visit me tomorrow and that she'd come to the hospital with me tonight. As we were going by bus I decided it was best if she just came to the bus stop with me... for her to return would be an hours wait in the dark (I got to hospital after 9... so she'd have had to travel back on her own at 10... not good and we can't really afford taxi's at the moment). She was concerned but I said I'd be ok.

On arrival to hospital and the entrance to the ward I almost backed out of going in... thought perhaps of calling the crisis team... lots of thoughts were running through my head:

What staff are going to be on tonight?
Is it going to be loud?
Can I handle being trapped on the ward for night when I've had the freedom of home for 4 days?
Which bed will I have? Am I going to have to deal with difficult patients in beds next and near to me?
Can I really do this?

All are probably pathetic reasons but were a big deal to me... + at some point I'm going to have to deal with my named nurse who I had an argument with last Wednesday.

Decided to just grit my teeth and walk in.

Ended up getting the same bed I've had for the last 6 weeks which was quite a surprise... usually you get moved around... but it was a comfort as I don't like change. Had my bags checked, set up my computer and typed this out.

Edit: Oh bloody great... just discovered that the bed opposite me is a level one patient (under line of sight observation at all times) so a member of staff is going to be sitting behind me while I'm on the computer and while I sleep... I know he/she won't be focussed on me... but it's just that small invasion of privacy as they can see me at any time.... meh... I guess on a slightly cynical note, I can't si on my bed if I'm pissed off so that's a kind of ironic bonus/irritation.

Line of sight observation through the night? I was just chucked into isolation with paper underpants and an untearable dress. They even took my medically necessary compression stocking, giving me a lot of pain and a lot of problems the next day.

I think that had to do with there not being a lot of staff at night.

So your facility might be NHS, but they have that in order at the very least :-)

We're all proud of you for the way you've tackled things these past few days, and that you went back to the hospital. Good job!

Something that might be of use for you - ask which nurses will be there when you return, or even just the next shift. My facility has a chart on the wall where you can see it, even if it's not usually up-to-date. (:

Hi TJ- this one's late found it in the reply box- for some reason it didn't send (or I didn't send, SORRY). From before your last message:

Hi TJ, really glad things have been better this weekend and the fact that your anxiety has reduced while at home says a lot. Maybe one step closer to discharge, hey?
And the depression.........well you're getting there, yes? And by that, I mean you ARE getting there!!!
So maybe about trying to take all the hospital has to give you while you're there to make it easier to manage/work through it???
I know it must be hard being there, but just a matter of time
And make sure you talk to staff or show them your journal if it's hard, OK? They should be there to understand and support you.
Great news about your friend visiting though, something to focus on?

Alison

And on to the next:
The dream............well hold onto the good parts of that..........it's still there, it's still your's.......it's still reminders of something/memories special to you. Let those parts give you some comfort. He was there in your life you deserve whatever happy memories are there.
As for your wife/getting to see your T, do you reckon "just" one of those communication errors? I mean I completely see where you're coming from with the.......she was getting ready..........but maybe something for you both to learn from for another time, and confirming plans............? And you know a chance to give yourself credit for how fast you can cycle!!
And your wife..............well it sounds like she already knows you love her, and that she loves you regardless.........just maybe about that balance (and you may already have it) of letting her know what she means to you in between/at the times you're both finding hard. And just that feeling of "togetherness" can make a massive difference.
Already commented on the trip to the hospital Hope you've got it on chat to refer back to!!
But on arrival........those really aren't pathetic reasons. You're looking for some sense of failiarity, security, comfort after having to come from home to there, maybe??
And the named nurse........well she should be professional enough to move on from that, to want to support you with where you're at right now............and she's not the only one there, right? There are other staff too, who you really get on with. Make use of them too, hey??

Alison

Wow... Theres just so much to comment. Before i get to a computer and can comment it all. I think you should be proud of that you finnally did went in to the hospital. You beat the anxiety. :>

A dilemma. Related, at some point the therapeutic disadvantages of hospitalisation will outweigh the advantages. It can't be easy deciding on the optimal time to leave.

Best wishes for you all to communicate effectively.

Trigger warning

Probably best that I'm in hospital right now as I am getting intensive suicidal thoughts. No wish to talk to staff about it, nothing they could do anyway and I have nothing at hand anyway.

Just everything seems suddenly futile... bottomed out. No idea how to possibly talk to others when I feel this way, I just feel detached and non caring and with that comes the lack of care to talk to others about it.

Sadly and most concernedly, my wife is coming to visit in about 10 minutes time and I just am going to have to be social and not let her worry.

Thinking of you...

Hi TJ, OK everything isn't futile, you have had points where you've been doing really well!!
I know those points probably seem distant and to have lost a lot of meaning right now, but they have meant something/they do mean something. And you know you've come through these feelings before, right? And they are getting less.
So hang in there with us
And maybe at least consider writing down your thoughts/feelings for the staff there if telling them is too hard?? But regardless thank you for sharing with us...........and if you want to talk.............

Alison

Ok.... well back and sort of on an even keel.

After the above post I wrote it out by hand (most of it) and handed it to a nurse... did not have neither the energy nor inclination to talk... just needed to make someone aware. Went back to my bed space and just laid on my bed... was trying hard to just disconnect, and my eyes became sleepy though I didn't sleep.

Not once did a member of staff come to check on me and my wife got here an hour late (bus problems)... I refused to come out to see her... was in no condition to and we got into a rather weird text conversation as visitors aren't allowed into patients rooms. Told her I'd given a letter to a member of staff and that I was sorry... but I just had nothing left.

(transpires she asked the very nurse I'd given the letter to and he denied knowledge of it).

Anxiety started to kick in and she sent a text saying she would leave but she loved me... well I burst into tears and came out... saw the nurse I'd given the letter to and asked him what was the point in being in hospital if I could quite easily be at home with no one speaking to me... rather than surrounded by 'trained' staff who don't even bother to check to see if I'm ok (I'd self harmed, but that's besides the point).

Wife pulled me away as I was in tears and had punched the wall in pure frustration. Went back out and said direct 'it's pointless me being here isn't it?' to which he nodded... I asked for a doctor to be called so I could be signed out for more home leave.

Went back to my wife and she slowly calmed me down... went back out after a while to check what was happening with the dr and spk to the lady nurse on shift... explained everything that had happened, she read my letter and expressed both surprise that the other nurse had agreed I shouldn't be here... and that she would talk to me in a quieter area if I could give her 5 minutes (I was in tears again).

We spoke and I just told her how frustrated and alone I felt at hospital... that at least at home the depression was still the same as well as the suicidal thoughts... but as I wasn't surrounded by people who I should be able to talk to but can't, the anxiety doesn't kick in as much and I'm able to manage just that little easier... that if push came to shove I could call the crisis team (or cpn when I get one) which would be a quicker response than the nothing I get here.

She said that based on the suicidal thoughts, hospital was a better place for me to be, but she understood the anxiety, frustration and emotional crisis being here was doing. We also talked about me worrying about talking to my named nurse tomorrow (as I'm nervous as hell due to argument... and she has restricted me to only talking to registered nurses when in crisis to reduce mixed messages... not so much a problem now)... she's going to have a word with her tomorrow as they are on the same shift together.

That 5 minute chat grounded me... I was still crying... even as I went for a walk with the wife... but it grounded me.

Staying in hospital tonight and tomorrow.

Hi TJ, well you've done really well getting on "sort of an even keel"
I know it's got to be real tough being back there anyway, never-mind the lack of support you've been getting there today. And the first day back............!!
But then again things have eased a bit for you before with time to adjust, haven't they? And finally got grounded (sort of?)!!
And good on you for writing down and handing the nurse what you'd written, it was a good move. Just if there's another time, try and bring out some of that stubbornness hey? If you're going to write something down you deserve a bit more, than that, yes? So........I know you can tell them that!!

Alison

Yeah Alison. It's a tricky situation in truth... From what I can tell I am the only patient on this ward that has acute depression and acute anxiety (psychiatrists diagnosis) with other elements incoming when I get assessed... whereas everyone else are here due to psychosis of some kind and do not require emotional support ... so the staff just don't know how to deal with me (nor have the resources for it... 5 mins of talking is a lot of time on this ward with the staffing levels) as their expertise is not orientated in that direction... I'm not violent (well to walls) so they have their hands full else where.

It's been bewildering for me being here as I am triggered very easily and quickly due to being a naturally private and reclusive person... at home my high strung emotions set off by others and noise are better kept in check because there is simply no one around.

During my earlier weeks the psychiatrist often remarked that the hospital was not the best place for me and at first I saw this as a further criticism of me... but I'm coming to realise he is actually right... the stimulus here is too much. It does keep me safe but the emotional turmoil (and that's the only word I can use) has been a nightmare.

My T has stressed that I need to talk about the depressive window I get predominantly at home though as that is going to be the reverse of what I'm experiencing here. My anxiety leads to self harm... my depression leads to suicidal intent and I become very quiet about it... so I've got to address this with him. Wife will be in on the appointment so she'll be wanting to know about how to manage this too... stressing my opening up to the resources available (crisis team etc).

Hi TJ, I know it's got to feel really isolating, frustrating, pointless, useless.........(?) in there sometimes. And the people who should be there for you but..........
Resources..........I know that really can't help. But as for the people who aren't that good at giving you the emotional support you need, OK this may sound ridiculous.........but maybe you could help them a little more in recognizing the support you need????
Maybe when you're not feeling as bad, you could be telling some of them what may work for you if..............e.g. "Look I may forget about my grounding exercises (or whatever) if.........so a reminder might help" or "If I'm feeling, please don't be telling me.....or......it really doesn't help"????
Although there have been some staff you've got on really well with..........so maybe if you have a word with them they can be talking to the less helpful staff about where they could be doing better for you.
I know it doesn't take away from the really limited time they have, but.......something???
And you know you're doing the right things, you're letting people know when you need help/support. And just keep on talking to your T and to your doctor including about how things are in there for you.

Alison

Today... has been ok.

I purposefully asked my wife to not come visit me today (not out of any meanness) but because I'd be seeing my named nurse for the first time in a week and the previous occasion had not been pleasant. As such I didn't want my anxiety to spill over which it is wanton to do when I have visitors, am out on the ward and that lady is on shift at the same time... it isn't fair on my visitors and it is just very stressful for me. This turned out to be a welcome relief for the missus as she'd been invited short notice by a friend to go out for the day to Wales (of all places) which I think she enjoyed a lot.

As such I stayed in my bed space for most of the day and just waited till she (nurse) wanted to go over my file and prepare for my ward round tomorrow (meeting with psychiatrist). Because I had reduced any undue anxiety, I was both mentally and emotionally prepared for it... had a frank chat... she was her usual strong self but I stated my case with confidence and surety and essentially stood up for myself on equal terms. I think it's fair to say she was still pissed off from last week and did throw a few blind curves at me that normally would make me panic, but I dealt with them and explained my case... basically, I didn't rise to the bait.

Once the bs was over with and essentially whatever issues between us were put to one side, we got to what would be discussed tomorrow: the depressive down turns I get when at home... primarily a concern to the wife when she won't be around to ensure I don't spiral to crisis point. Named nurse made it clear that the level of support I'll have is there to utilise and I've got to find both the energy and courage to do so before things get out of hand - crisis team, community psychiatric nurse... as well as group therapy that I need to commit to.

With respect to work (I raised my concerns about returning... had a really weird dream about work last night), she said that I should not under any circumstances return straight away... and that when I do... to do so slowly, a few hours to begin with and build it up.

All in all it was a productive chat once the initial crap had been dealt with and I was quite proud of myself for a change.

Outstanding!

This remains a problem for me. Finding myself among professionals, whose pseudo-authority is still intimidating, my natural inclination is to tell them what I think they want to hear to validate them and their judgments rather than what I truly feel.

Go ToeJam!

TJ, I get the feeling that when you're talking about bits of interaction with your named nurse you're doing it "politely" and "diplomatically"??
So I feel some real credit should go to you for the way you managed the conversation with her!!! And in how you got something positive out of it in the end!!
And yes, probably a good idea to take your return back to work slowly. Maybe just settle into being back at home when you're discharged first?? Because of course, you're bound to need some adjustment to that first and formost. And then you can look a little later into the getting back to work. Just don't let the thought "hang over you", hey?? No rush to decide anything there/yet.

Alison

For me, it's an energy issue or one of verbal diareeh depending on if I'm having a bad bout of depression or anxiety... or a nasty combination of the two.

If I am having a relative lull of the above then I do not have a problem communicating and arguing my case.

Therein lies a small issue of consistency of course if I'm dealing with the same person on a long term basis as it can make me seem pretty unpredictable and confusing (my wife for example finds this hard).

Yesterday I was, yes... I kept calm and managed my anxiety well. There is a big difference between my written and verbal communication though... in the written form I am a lot more controlled as I have time to think, edit and consider appropriate content.... verbal is instantaneous and depending on the person I'm interacting with can spiral me in all different directions

Yeah, I was pleased with it... and having spoken to her today, we have been interacting better.

Returning home and to the real world is starting to scare me quite a lot... I don't know what is expected of me or if people are going to think because I'm not in hospital I am suddenly 'better'. Was feeling very despondent most of today and just curled up on my bed... during my ward round I didn't really speak, was very depressed and had no energy to say much of anything.

I am glad that I'll have support in the community and as such I'll be able to bounce these concerns off of people who hopefully can give me reassurance and definitive answers.

Hi TJ, it's OK to feel a bit scared about going home
Afterall it's going to be a completely different environment with different (more?) stressors and triggers. And you may feel a bit "out of your depth" and alone with all that, hey? But you're not going to be completely on your own.
You're going to be getting the hang/into the swing of talking to your wife.....friend......parents........whoever when things are hard, or picking up that phone for some support from your CPN, psychiatrist or crisis team.....aren't you??!!! Please say "yes" to that TJ!!
And naturally you've got us too!!!
And like you've already seen/experienced being home can be really helpful to you in some ways e.g. lowering your anxiety, so some things should improve in helping you get through, right?
And when you're home, anyone who matters should be taking things at your pace/should be understanding because obviously it's going to take some time and support to adapt. And if they're unsure, then maybe you could do a little explaining about what you need from them. Afterall it's going to be a day-by-day/week-by-week process isn't it??

Alison