Stressed... about to go into hospital

Hi TJ, it's certainly been sounding like you're a lot more in control of the self harm, and getting a lot nearer needing it less, and less...........and you are building up those coping resources. So although I'm absolutely not encouraging you to self harm........well if it does happen (which you're right it might) then I don't think you have to think any the less of yourself for it, or see it as a failure.
It's more about keeping going, and keeping trying to move forward. And you've certainly been doing really well at that!!
And when the depressive thoughts come I'd say you've been doing a lot better in riding them out. Work in progress, hey?
And.......endeavoring to utilize what support there is..........going to hold you to that you know!! But really good you're trying to take that approach.
So maybe worth focusing on the positives you've got going for you/how far you've actually come as well? Because that has been really impressive!!!

Alison

Personal Experience: As much as I despise my lack of energy, lethargy has sometimes been my ally in the fight against suicidal urges.

Having had so many things to deal with I think you are doing just awesome TJ. By the way, I like the picture with your mum. Yes you are a nice looking young man and your mom is a pretty lady. I hope your wife is feeling better soon. Best of wishes with discharge.

At home, so far so good.

Please hang in there xoxo

:big exhalation of breath:

Ok, so had a big wobble about an hour back... well it had been building up over two hours but got to the point of si to distract myself from more intrusive thoughts.

Wife was in other room but I just felt unable (devoid) to speak... bit the bullet and wrote it all down... then called the crisis team. It was either that or act on impulse and I was getting into a confused state.

When I got through to somebody, I checked that I was on their books (they confirmed) and then said I'd be reading what I wrote as otherwise I wouldn't know where to start.

Read it all out and was starting to shake as I did so.

She asked me what I'd been doing for the last couple of hours and I mentioned that I'd been on the computer, listening to music, checking out this or that page etc. She advised that I needed to be more active, to break up the computer time with other short bursts of jobs as and if I had the energy for level of task depending on energy (from making a cup of tea... to just watching telly instead... or do some tidying)... anything to distract the thoughts that will increase if I'm just doing one thing.

Wasn't sure if it was sound advice... but that I was being given advice and being talked to as a human being was nice. Once the call was over, layed on the bed (where I made the call from) for five minutes... looked down our cluttered corridor and decided to just do a 15 minute burst of relocating said clutter to somewhere that was safer for the wife (she is on crutches at the moment).

Wife called up to check on me and I just replied 'I'm fine, busy... will be back down in a bit'. Baring in mind all of this clutter was hers, I thought it best not to mention what I was doing till it was done.

Stairway and corridor is no longer a deathtrap for my three legged wonder woman... came back downstairs and forewarned her that on going up stairs she was going to react to '1 of, 2 of, all 3 of' 3 things: 'wtf'/'oh wow, great'/'where the hell is everything' (in spare room)

It did distract me... just don't know if I'm going to have the energy, will, motivation, activity at hand, or memory to do so next time I start to plummet.

TJ!!!
Well done on calling!!!! And you handled that really well!!!! Good on you!!!!
And doesn't matter however many times you need to call them, just whenever you need to OK??!!
And great you found something to distract yourself- just didn't tell us which of the 3 reactions you got

Alison

Thanks

Was a helpful call and I'm glad I made it. Wife was both pleased and bemused at my 'man cleaning' which to her just = moving one mess to another mess out of sight and making her unsure of what is where.

But she can now get up and down the stairs and along the corridor safely.

Been feeling a little weird tonight, took some diazepam about an hour ago so that's helped keep the anxiety down... but yeah, just a bit numb and ummish in so much as not sure what to do.

Hi TJ, : "moving one mess to another mess out of sight and making her unsure of what is where" and you'll be telling her it's all about keeping things interesting in the marriage, what's life without a little mystery...........??
Came from a real thoughtful space though, so I dare say you deserve a bit of credit.
But it is your first day back so I'd say you were doing really well, it can just take time to adjust/"get back on your feet"

Alison

Saw my T tonight and she put things into perspective that I had just been blind too: this sudden depressive spell could be grieving to an attachment; that two months in hospital is a long time and is bound to create an attachment to the safety of it... and though for so long I was climbing up the walls and was desperate to get out... I slowly adjusted to it... and now the coming out is going to be scary, unknown and strange to adjust to.

That my tolerance levels to stress is very slim on both levels of the spectrum (depression - anxiety) so she thought what the crisis team lady suggested the other night was a great idea that she wanted to expand on.

I am a very unstructured person... but I am repetitive in my actions. So she wants me to try and establish some daily routines but within those routines... shake up how I do them. i.e. take the dog out for a walk at a set time.... but each time I do, explore a different route or choose a different direction... that these changes will pre-occupy my mind with being aware of what's around me rather than going on auto pilot and letting the negative thoughts creep in.

She's also stressed to take each day at a time at the moment... to not look too far ahead and catastrophize... so literally, live for this day, write down what I've done in my book and get good rest and remember to eat.

That part made me smile. You seem to understand women well.

Oh, insightful. I hadn't considered that.

Now it's time to release your seven-stone dog's therapeutic talent.

Hi TJ, sounds like good advise from your T. Everything in place including routines with some flexibility, for one day at a time. And try not to worry about work right now as well , "early days"!!.
And TJ, when you're writing in your journal don't forget to write the positive things down as well!!
I know that worries, concerns, uncertainties the "less positive things" can stand out so much more sometimes. And they are important to record/address, but the positive things really matter too. And I also know, you can really "undersell" yourself sometimes too!!

Alison

Oh, I really really don't... I understand (sort of) my wife... but that's taken 15 years... and learning what she actually means when she say's 'that's ok' or 'no, I don't mind'.... being a man that prefers the simplicities of yes/no answers... she still throws me blind curves on a frequent basis :scratches head: lol

Yeah, going to take her for a walk in a bit. Had a really good play with her last night... she's very teethy and play bites but is so gentle with it even in the midst of boisterous play, got such a great temperament. Partly why we're comfortable having friends with kids round and they are comfortable with her too.... she is so gentle and careful with them... they just have to accept they will be licked to death if they are within head reach :nods:

I think the last sentence is quite a biggie... my T mentioned that we will be getting back to self esteem and trauma work 'eventually'... but right now it's important to focus on getting me stable.

She has addressed that the trauma work we did before triggered off the spiral that put me in hospital... that she had thought I was ready for it... and I did too... but other circumstances at home and elsewhere came into play and things spiralled very quickly.

On the flip side it brought out a lot for her to work with that she hadn't seen... that my time in hospital has been very insightful for her with what I've told her and her conversation with the hospital ward psychiatrist.

Still, as you say... early days... taking it a step at a time

Separating this post from the above.

Went to the creative centre at the hospital (after picking up meds that I needed.... administrative cockups are a nightmare... was scheduled for 5 days of diazepam and received none in my take home packet, nurses had to raid the cupboards to give me enough to tide me over till they could get it corrected). Primary reason was to talk to some of the group organisers to find out about activities outside of the hospital and it was very informative... a lot to take on board and I was trying to not get overwhelmed by the noise (which there was a lot of) going on around me... but got it all written down so I could read when I got home and things are a lot quieter.

While there I got involved in a conversation with an outpatient who seems very well adjusted (masks... I have my own, so never can tell) who it turns out suffers from depression and has done so for years... but has never been admitted to hospital. Was saying how hard it had been to have not been... and I felt comfortable to share some insight, along with a woman who was sitting there who's daughter has been admitted on a number of occasions in the past:

He said that for him he has never self harmed and he thinks this may be the reason, but he deals with suicidal thoughts on a very frequent basis. I shared that for me (and I stressed that I was no advocating this at all) I had slipped into self harm and it started getting worse... that my mental stability deteriated and after being assessed by the crisis team it was encouraged that I go in voluntarily.... that however, hospital is not something that makes it all better... in the UK, mental health hospitals do two things: keep you safe and look at your meds whilst making sure you take them. There are no therapy groups... and if you have anxiety as well, it can blow that through the roof... so if he's managing outside, I'd recommend he stuck with it. The lady next to me nodded and agreed.

Just my take on the situation... interesting if any other UK people can share on this.

Anyway, been busy today and tried to start 'doing things'. Went to Halfords on my bike after the hospital for some essential maintenance items for my peddle power mobile.... then when I got home, asked the wife what we were having for dinner (spag bol apparently) and asked her what needed to be done - chop mushrooms and onions, so got on with it and done. When she cooks, I'll take the dog for a walk.

Ooh, I love raiding/depleting the emergency stack of the hospital. xD I once came there. "How many oxazepam/seresta do you need?" Woman who was escorting me: "We need 40."


I find conversations with outsiders often surprisingly insightful and calming, in a way. Did you experience that, too?

I definitely agree with you on the hospital thing...safety and meds and then out. It really is a last resort thing when you cannot keep yourself safe.

It sounds like you had a successful day, keep it up!

Hi TJ, really positive first step into the creative centre!! But if the noise remains a problem, maybe you could explain to the organizers that at times you may need to wear your earphones?? Next visit could maybe be a short one as well if you think that would help??
And could be really good "socially"/sharing experiences/sharing support/learning from others too...........maybe invaluable. But from your experiences with your other "friend" from the hospital kind of take those bits at your own pace
Try not putting other people's issues above your own, unless it really is helping you too.
So.......when are you back there?
And yes, hospital should really be either the last resort or the only option
And you already know what I think about the cooking..............

Alison

Hi TJ, glad that things are moving in the right direction for you. I've been following this thread but keeping quiet, mostly because I've not known what to say. However, I can relate to the post about the UK system, I'd add that a patient who complies with meds and who keeps safe won't get inpatient treament and is unlikely to get much (or any) OP or community support either. It doesn't matter how deep or treatment resistant that depression is, the UK system isn't interested. There are differences from area to area, big cities have slightly more to offer than the shires but the bottom line is risk and the way that the system currently measures risk downplays depressive illness.

Dog walking is a great way to add structure to your life, my dog has been essential therapy for me, I can't imagine how I'll manage back at work without her by my side.

Take care.

Hi TJ, sounds like you had a good day. Sounds like you are getting quite busy. Helping your wife cook, riding your bike, creative therapy, and working on your peddle power mobile. I don't quite know what that is but it sounds like a peddle car, it sounds like something fun. Oh, and lets not forget walking the dog. I find dogs to be great therapy. My dog always loves me. I may have had the most horrible day but my dog will still cuddle up to me, and he is a 74 pound bulldog/lab mix. Dogs give unconditional love. Anyway, hope things continue to look up for you.

Hehe, well I'll give the nurses credit where they are due... they are smart and I wouldn't have thought of taking the mick in that situation lol. Was frustrating that the pharmacy keeps getting things wrong though... found out I am 2 days short of my hay fever tabs but thankfully, I think the pollen count is down and I may be out of the main effect of it now anyway.

I find conversations with outsiders often surprisingly insightful and calming, in a way. Did you experience that, too?[/QUOTE]

Yes and no... it was insightful in so much as I could relate to how he felt from before I went in (and I'm going to get to this below in response to originalme)... and no, but more due to my surroundings... if it had been a strictly one on one in a quiet room I probably would have been more comfortable but the noise and activity going on around me kept me on edge... with that said, I still managed to sustain the conversation without flipping out so my tolerance is improving.

Thanks Secret, I appreciate the message and it's great to see you about on here I hope your T session went well today and thinking of you.

Was what they were doing at the time I guess (art workshop, which doesn't interest me... but the organiser was the one I needed to speak to about stuff in the community)... but yeah usually, earphones are my default whether others like it or not hehe.

It's not so much that I'm really 'unsocial'... groups are hard work for me due to the multiple conversations going on... and irrespective of one on one or group, I just tire quickly. I guess I just have to start building up my stamina again.

Next Tuesday for creative writing will just be one session a week for me I think once outpatient. As of the 5th sept there may be group therapy dependant on how they assess me for personality disorder.

This is exactly how I felt and before my mental stability went right through the floor, I recall how much I could relate to your frustration. My GP was at his wits end with the system and had exhausted as many avenues as he could.

This is most likely the depression speaking, but I actually felt so bad when things started to fall into place for me (my GP had been able to refer me to a psychiatrist due to meeting criteria... all this was of course a few weeks before it went to hell)... literally because I could not fight as hard as you have done and was spiralling... and yet you were still stuck in that horrible loop... I felt guilty and was not surprised that you had not posted in my subsequent threads.

All of the above of course feeds into the self hate a lot of us go through... but I want to say here and now that I admire you for your strength... and I hope (truly hope) that something clicks into place for you (and others) without having to experience the horrendous spiral that landed me in hospital... I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Yeah, my wife often joked in the past that we should get our dog registered as a PAT dog so I could take her into work with me

Thanks Water, Yesterday was very busy and a good day all round

Trigger content: self harm and suicidal ideation
Separating this post from above as I didn't want to mix the two up... the above post was a work in motion that started earlier today... but I've had to take breaks which I hope will become clear below.

As I type this, I am calm... had a sleep before dinner and it refreshed my brain somewhat... just feeling a bit numb but all in all on a evener keel.

This morning was hell... crisis team guy called (woke me up) to say he'd be round in 5 minutes to which I instantly panicked and said I was still in bed... so he changed it to 45mins to an hour... I got myself up and ready but I was unsettled and feeling jittery... while I waited and I have no idea why I did so (probably because I wasn't fully awake), I went to default to get focus and did some si on my upper arm... didn't really do much for me other than distraction... which technically I should have used a healthier way like making a coffee I wrote down how I was feeling and what was going round in my head and waited for him to show up.

When he turned up, seemed pleasant enough but my anxiety started to rise... was talking to me about the future (work and once the crisis team has discharged me) and as I'm currently trying to just take each day at a time for my own stability.... I couldn't handle it... he saw my anxiety was rising and said that he'd end the visit for now and would make sure I was seen Friday.

Well, it threw my day out (not saying this was his fault... just timing, circumstances and where I was at at the time all contributed to a bit of a melt down) and I started to spiral as the day progressed.

Leading to a lot of self hate and then some serious cutting as suicidal thoughts were becoming very strong in my head. Came down stairs to get my phone... though I was unclear if I was going to call anyone and my wife walked in on me and saw the cuts. Well, I freaked out and went upstairs saying I didn't want to talk to anyone.

She actually called the crisis team and then brought the phone up to me... I burst into tears on the phone as the woman on the other end asked how I was feeling (told her about the morning and panicking about my discharge tomorrow) and then went through breathing techniques with me to calm me down. Told me to tell the psychiatrist about times like this to which I cried more and said that I couldn't... that I just seem incapable of expressing how bad it gets when in appointments I may feel fine (and by tomorrow, it may well be an up day, yesterday was... confuses the crap out of me )

She spoke to my wife and said that she'd be handing over notes by phone to the hospital but that it would be helpful if my wife spoke to the psychiatrist tomorrow if I'm finding it hard.

When the call ended, my wife just hugged me till I fell asleep... and as mentioned at the beginning, I woke feeling numb but better.

TJ, re: second post
I'm glad your feeling a bit better but hey there's a lot going on for you it's got to be feeling overwhelming at times. That's understandable.
Just remember that you can be in control of everything going on around you with the crisis team etc. And try to take as much control as you can, afterall the support should all be about you, what's going to work best for you, what's in your best interests.
So if there's triggers around any part of that support then speak up. Maybe it'll help having a word/phrase you can have in your mind to pull on if someone/something is/has started that triggering process. A word/phrase which will pause the situation and give you that bit of breathing space to re-orientate yourself and allow you to take that bit more control.
And perhaps you and your wife can come up with some things to pass on to the crisis team to bear in mind when they are supporting you e.g. you want advance notice of any visits (!!), you want to have a plan with them for a weekly/two weekly (?) basis only for now.
And yes, speak up if you can, nothing at all wrong with saying "I'm not ready for.......yet, it would help a lot more if we talked about..........".
And as for psychiatrists........write things down............they should be working with you in whatever way you need them to be. Remember this is kind of a transitionary period in settling back home, it's natural you might struggle, it's natural you might want more support, it's natural that days may go up and down but they should be there to support you with all that, and to come through it. Just let them, hey?? Just pass all that on, hey??

Slight diversion here, but your breathing and grounding exercises............do you actually have them writen/printed out?? While I know things can come on so suddenly.........maybe at the times you have a lead up too...........it might help if they are there in "black and white" so you aren't having to tax your already overtaxed mind to try to dig them out. And a lot more clarity/focus there?? Just a thought...........and back to...........

And I've got to say SO WELL DONE for still managing to speak to the woman from the crisis team on the phone!!!!! Now that must have taken real strength regardless of/despite the way you were feeling. Respect!!!!!!



Alison

Thanks TJ, but please don't feel guilty about getting the help you need, it is wrong that you had to experience what you did, it is wrong that I'm still stuck, but none of it is about us personally, it is about a system that is broken and that no one has a strong enough desire to fix.

BTW, I'm not sure I have strength, I'm just oppositional so I do the opposite of what I want to spite myself. I want to give in and SI, so to prolong the misery I refuse. As a strategy for staying safe it stinks. You deserve a better strategy than I can offer, not having the answers is what kept me quiet in this thread. I admire your openness in telling it warts and all.

Hope tomorrow is better for you than today has been.

Just got home after being officially discharged. Was at the hospital for 4 hours though I was technically discharged just before 3pm (it's almost 6:30 now) I had to wait around for my take home medication (two weeks worth and then to get from gp).

Was stressed out this morning and wrote down a lot of my concerns for the psychiatrist to read. Can't say it was an easy conversation but he listened to my worries and anxiety with compassion; explained that this transition period was going to be hard and was to be expected (that there would be a dip) but that with time it will get easier... that with regards to my fear of self control (lack of) when I spiral bad is going to be an obstacle that no medication can address and is going to have to come from within... to which he added was easy for him to say but was going to be a hard part of the recovery process... and that support is there for me, so to use it as best I can (I addressed that I become very reclusive and non communicative when it comes to self harm or worse)... as with control, to take it in steps... i.e. instead of 3 cuts, I'm going to make 2... and try to take these forms of control as an achievement.

Found out I'm to be assessed by a community psychiatric nurse on the 29th and then allocated one from there.

Spoke about a few other practicalities and then that was that, signed my discharge along with my wife who has taken the role as primary carer.

Went for some food with the wife and then returned to the ward to wait (a long time) for my meds. My wife had made a cake for the staff (mostly at the salivating request of one of the support workers who loves lemon drizzle) and that went down well... then we just had lots of chats with staff as we waited. Was kind of nice actually as the staff who were on shift were amongst those I had enjoyed the company of and were a pleasure to speak to. All seemed very glad (for me) that I was being discharged and mentioned how much I had changed since I had first come onto the ward... a couple even quietly said they were genuinely going to miss me which was really nice and is bringing a tear to my eye as I write this. On the way out, one of those followed us out to buzz us out on the secondary security doors (normally done in the office) and gave me a hug.

I guess on reflection it really isn't the hospital that I'll miss... but some of the staff as they are such nice people and do such an amazing job considering the horrendous cuts in funding... treated me so well and were a pleasure to speak with when I was on a stable front (I still remember the late night chats when all the other patients had gone to bed)... and very companionate/firm but fair when I was struggling.

Was told in the ward round that even after discharge from the hospital and after 2 weeks from the crisis team, I can call the ward if I'm in crisis and need help... they can't admit me, but someone will be there to talk to and advise if needed. Not sure if I'd ever do this, but was a comfort to know that I won't be totally isolated in time of need.

That is the kicker right there, with the budget cuts as they are... and I'm sure it's across the board when it comes to the nhs... even people who 'meet the criteria' as my gp once said still go without support because there isn't the funds for it. The system is broken and it fills me with anger... from a personal perspective of becoming so destabilised that I became a liability to myself and those around me before something was done... and from the wider perspective of how many people out there are fighting to cope with substandard or no care.

I just want to give you a to this... as that was me for years I am very sure our circumstances on many levels are very different so not for one second saying that we are the same or that what led to my collapse is forthcoming (I'm sure you know what I mean)... just that I know that for a long time I was very much like what you described.

It just seemed like the right thing to do... I struggle so hard to actually talk out loud to people about anything... but give me a keyboard and I can type... and I will type as it is. I do find it difficult to go back to previous posts or topics that I've made though as often due to the way my mood and stability fluctuates... it seems alien to me that I wrote what I wrote... but if it's useful and insightful for others then I hope it serves some good