Stressed... about to go into hospital

On a side note, spoke to a couple of nurses that I get on with this morning (there are a lot of staff on that ward that cover shifts... some shifts are better than others) and I was in good spirits... nervous but yeah, feeling confident to joke rather than just move from my room for the purpose of toilet breaks and food.

Both were very encouraging about the home leave, saying how well I was doing and that yes, things will still be hard, try to keep the positive steps moving more than the ones back.

One did mention that once discharged (she was laughing), if I came back she'd beat me... to which of course I responded with 'didn't know you wanted to get rid of me that bad' heh.

Hi TJ, glad you made it!! And really pleased for you!!!
Now just remember your grounding, the dragon.............and everything else that works for you if..........!!
And most of all try to enjoy some time at home!!!
Alison

I finally caught up on this thread again!

So.... you are discharged now? Or are you just on a temporary leave? Whatever is the case...we are still here for you!

Please tell me more about those visual imagery...those seem really metaphorical and cool! ....I have no idea if I can say that but nvm! I am curious!

Good luck TJ.
You have the capabilities.

Having problems with my internet at home so writing this via my phone as it's late at night and too tired to try and fix it right now. As such I'll reply to messages above once it's sorted.

Before I start writing this, as of this moment I neither wish to self harm or die but was severely tested once I got home. Going to be candid and frank... I love my wife, fully and unconditionally. With that said, we found ourselves in one hell of awkward period of miscommunication that led to a verbal argument, with genuine concern and worry on her side... And frustration and hurt on mine.

This leads back to Wednesday night when I had the argument with my named nurse... I had previously discussed with my wife on taking it slow and trying an evening leave to start with prior to the disagreement I had. Come Thursday and before seeing my psychiatrist I ran it by her about the extended leave instead. Turned out that though she said ok she was worried that to say otherwise would trigger me, but she was worried that I had made a knee jerk reaction to the night before and that I was doing it to 1. Avoid seeing my named nurse over the weekend and 2. To just get out of the hospital whether I was well enough or not. (Did not find out about this till after the canal incident I'll mention later on).

When we got home she began throwing structured activities at me that we were going to be doing over the time I was there... To me I just wanted to settle in and try to adjust to being at home with her and the dog. I asked her to slow down but she replied that I needed to get into the habit of being active.

My mood began to plummet fast. We were making dinner together and I got further triggered by the portion she was preparing for the both of us (I've lost a stone and a half since being in hospital and kind of want to keep it that way or better). I started becoming irrational and felt that coming home had been a really bad idea... But neither did I want to go back... That feeling of being trapped between not wanting to be at either place led me to grabbing my coat, one of my knives and leaving the house. Though I could have technically called the crisis team I had this feeling of obligation not to... In the meeting this morning they had encouraged me to try and use the service as a last resort and wait till Sunday for the home visit.

Was near the canal (about a mile from home) when my mum called (was her birthday today and I'd left her a happy voice greeting earlier in the day when my mood had been a lot more stable). Well to say the least I was struggling to fake my mood and she was worried... Burst into tears when I told her I had my knife and was on my own well away from home. Explained the situation to her, that I ideally just wanted to be away from people at the moment but as my wife had my bank card all I could do was walk and think. At first she wanted me to go back to hospital but by that point I wasn't feeling suicidal... I just needed space... So she suggested that my step dad could book me into a hotel for the night over the phone. Was tempting and I almost did so but on reflection I knew it would be better to bite the bullet and go home.

Once I got back the argument I mentioned at the beginning occurred. I was angry that one she had neither trusted my judgement nor voiced any concern in front of the psychiatrist and team, she replied that it happened so fast and didn't know what to do... That she doesn't always know what triggers me and it frightens her as it's like walking on egg shells out of fear my anxiety or depression will increase. She also raised the points I mentioned at the beginning.

I felt a bit betrayed at this point and said that I would return to hospital there and then if she figured that was the case, that though yes, the disagreement with the nurse had put into perspective how I wished to proceed... It was not for the purpose of running away or avoidance... It was to get myself back on my own two feet and see if I could do it.

She raised another point that as being a dumb arse bloke I hadn't even considered mentioning (I'd just seen it as a given)... That I had not said I wanted to come home to be with her. She was in tears at this point and it dawned on me rather late that I can be unintentionally removed and cold to others in appearance. I gave her a hug and explained that if that had been the case I would have found other arrangements (like going to my mums or a friends)... That of course I wanted to be with her but to please not throw things at me so fast on my first day home.

At her request we've agreed that we'll discuss the things that definitely trigger me so she has a better understanding... I'm going to find it bloody hard but necessary I guess.

Not sure how any of this sounds... But yeah, been a long night :s

I've definitely been there with the misunderstandings snowballing into huge fights. Good job dealing with it! I wish I could be that effective more often.

Have you heard anything about the personality disorder evaluation?

TJ your wife likes you a lot and cares for you. All the troubles you have with the ward and nurses and doctors she also gets a piece of. It's amazing you haven't been in an argue until now. Even if you seem to be connecting really well already I think maybe you could connect even better! It seems like this missunderstanding was based on that you didn't tell each other what you really felt about the situation... You weren't lying...but you weren't fully honest either. or thats how I understood it.. :S Talking about what triggers you is a good idea and I can only imagine how difficult it would be for you. Remember to take pauses if it gets too much and take it slowly..you can do it! Also remember that it might get too much for her too...

You should tell her what an amazing support she gives you. How well she handles your emotions and..well..just...I dunno... Just based on what you write in this thread.... she seems amazing!

Honestly can't you let her read a part of this post? It might boost her confidence.

i hope you feel better and you did do good when you held bac on the one time you didn't hit the wall instead of a person too. Good luck

Right, woke up and my internet seems to have fixed it's self

No, it's temporary leave leading up to discharge... the hospital encourages day leave, night leave, weekend etc to see how you cope and to make sure that once you discharge the chances of you being re-admitted to hospital soon after are reduced. Since I've been at the hospital, there have been a couple of patients who have discharged... then not long after are back on the ward.

It is very metaphorical and in some ways is in a similar light to a coping visualisation I had as a child. When I suffered badly by bullying, there was not much I could do about the physical side... but with the verbal and emotional I would imagine myself to be like a space ship from the future with force fields... each cruel word just depleted a force field but did not touch the core of me. When I admitted this to my T she was impressed that I was apparently naturally using cbt techniques from a very early age without any formal training (I chuckled at this).

As for the ones she wants me to try at the moment, it is the protector (the dragon) that is most useful and effective for me at the moment... will be talking about the other two creatures (nurture and assertiveness I believe) on Monday as self nurture is non existent and assertiveness is a tricky area for me... I am assertive, just that how I express it can be very challenging for others.

I have my assessment date (or at least first appointment) on the 5th of September.

Not sure I handled the conflict very well (upset the wife), but it was handled without me resorting to going back to hospital or self harming.... so could have been better... but it was alright.

Can't recall saying I wanted to hit a person... that's not to say I didn't so if you find the post then please let me know. Initially I am very much drawn to inanimate objects. If however someone was to punch me, then that would change the circumstances.

Hi TJ, your wife..............maybe trying to put her thoughts/feelings aside so as not to hurt someone else (you); keeping deep inside the pain, fear, hurt...........she's feeling herself to try to reach out, help, hoping that she's doing the right thing for someone else (you) nevermind herself, trying to put their best interests (as far as she can tell) first, wanting to do everything to make things right for someone (you), caring more about someone else (you) than herself.................now does that remind me of someone??? TJ??!!!
Come on, even though the sense of betrayal is understandable, you know where she's coming from don't you??
So maybe instead of holding onto this as a "problem you're needing to overcome", perhaps see this as a useful insight into how to move things forward. It was a break through in communication, in opening the doors of honesty/openness that bit further between you both.
So use it, and use it to get out there what you need/want to be saying to each other. And help each other understand that bit more. Sounds like you really care about each other and while that's there that's going to be a big help in fine-tuning that communication.

And you!! You walked away and used that space to bring those feelings down!! Instead of letting them build and build and..........,you reigned in some control over them and worked through them!!! And you "bit the bullet" and went home!! Seriously impressive TJ!!! Good on you!!!!



Alison

((((((((( TJ ))))))))))
Thinking of you every day

I have spent the last 2 days reading this thread.....or at least most of it....

believes it would be in my best interests and would keep me safe if I accepted an admittance to hospital

This hospital has not kept you safe. Have you considered being transferred somewhere where you can be kept safe. The last time I was in the hospital (been hospital free for over a year) they put me on a 1to1 when engaging in self injurious behavior.

I LOVE YOUR WIFE!!!! be grateful you have her.

STOP cutting yourself!!!! I understand the relief you feel from the behavior, but STOP!!!! The scars will live with you forever and you will feel bad every time you see them.

Just reading your posts makes me want to punch myself. But I won't

Feeling quite strong within myself right now, so will see how this post goes.

Pretty impressed tbh, it's been an ongoing thread built up of 6 weeks of experience... as such though, and reading on with your post I think certain nuances have been missed, I could be wrong... just getting that impression.

This is the UK and based on the nhs which is the abbreviation for national health service. As such it is publically funded via taxes and national insurance that every employee must pay. The NHS over recent years has had massive cuts to it's expenditure with that being markedly shown in the mental health sector. There was an interesting video clip highlighted in the news section of these boards (edit: found link - http://forums.psychcentral.com/curre...lly-unwel.html ) that highlighted how thinly stretched mental health resources are and as such the police are often used as a first line of safety for patients who are struggling be they of harm to themselves (suicidal) or believe they are of harm to others and have called emergency services for help and intervention. Police cells are used to house these people (including self harm) until psychiatric services can come to assess.

In hospitals, staffing levels are appalling. On our ward with 24 patients the staff levels have been cut to 5,5,4 (early,late,night). Now, baring in mind that we have had a level one patient on the ward for the last 4 weeks (which means he needs a staff member by him at all times) actually has reduced it to 4,4,3. Pretty confident this is a national problem with exception to private healthcare and as I can't afford £500 a night... I've had to make do... transferring even if it was possible would have been unlikely to help and if anything would have reduced visitations from my wife as they'd have most likely moved me to another city (right at the beginning I was warned this might happen if my city had no beds available).

With regards to self harm, it depends on the ward... as mine was very mixed in diagnosis... since I had no access to anything that could do serious harm, was pretty much left to it.

Been told that on one of the women's ward they have a very high no tolerance to it and took extreme steps to curbing that behaviour. When the support worker who instigated that change told me about what was put into place I was both shocked and appalled at the extremity the staff had gone to: he advised that patients almost seemed to compete with who could self harm the more, so it was put into place that when self harm was found to occur, the patient was put in isolation, made to strip down and given a patients gown to curb the behaviour. No messing around, no counselling... just if you do it, this is what we will do.

Not going to tackle this one as my previous posts and acknowledgements since my time being here speaks for itself.

I think (and yes I acknowledge I'm turning things about here) this may be coming from your own experience and regret.

I am not exactly one for self pity as such... frustration and angry with confusion, point and an inability to control my moods and emotions... but not self pity, at least not with physical issues. I look at my scars and they do not bother me... they do not define me... they don't say who I am. Others can try and judge and to limit that (more out of agitation of dealing with the narrow minded rather than concern) I am striving to keep them concealed for the most part.

I hate my scars

adding in a filler to start a new page. First time I've done this so I hope no one minds but I want to speak of the day on a fresh note before I go to bed.

Had the first best nights sleep I've had in 6 weeks... thanks in part to my sleeping tablet and the comfort of my own bed in a quiet house on a quite street.

9 hours

Considering at best I've maxed 6-7 in hospital... at worse, 2... and on average about 4... this was a big deal for me.

Was still a little bit of tension between the wife and I to begin with... she is/was still rightly nervous about my stability but I had been calm, assertive and as reassuring as possible the night before. Gave her lots of hugs and told her I was glad to be home.

My mum and step dad came by early in the afternoon and took me out (wife was invited but she wanted to potter around the house getting some stuff done). Went for a meal at a nice pub (was a bit loud and there were times I had to put in my ear phones when the noise became too much), but I engaged in conversation as much as I could.

Afterwards they suggested going for a walk... so I suggested a nature reserve/park just outside of the city and as the hospital was on the way, used the opportunity to pop in as they had messed up my medication slightly (my diazepam is prescribed for 4 times a day... I was given 4 ) which I only found out about when I went to take one the night I got back.

Was a quick in and out visit and the staff were helpful.

Had a good walk and chat and I'd say all in all today has been a good day. We avoided crowded areas.

As it stands right now I can review today with positivity... it's just been a nice day, no pressures... no serious dips in mood and no triggers as such.

Got home and chatted with the wife, watched a movie and ate dinner.

Tomorrow the crisis team are coming by in the afternoon to check in on me... so will see how things go.

sounds like you are doing well
Congrats

Wow. Yes, that's a big deal. It certainly would be for me.

Years of struggles have taught me that quality sleep is critical in managing my problems.

Wishing you a wonderful break from the ward.

I'm glad you had a good night's sleep. It sounds like you had a successful and fairly good break from the hospital. Sounds like things are looking up. That's a good thing.

My depression gets tremendously worse when I don't sleep.
I'm glad you got some and hope it continues

I'm glad you're doing better. And that you've slept well.

Woke up naturally... about 6 hours. Bit reflective this morning. My mood is low but calm (I guess those with long term depression can be familiar with calm yet feeling lethargic and generally negative in outlook).

Nervous to say in light of a recent discussion else where on the board (and I'm not posting this to inflame it again... it's just relevant to my honesty rather than deciding to omit information for concern of going down that road again) I have self harmed this morning as a release... I have nerves about the crisis team coming today and part of me is wanting to white wash over any negativity... to show that I can cope without their help.

After 6 weeks of being in hospital... the feelings (especially towards the beginning) of being trapped, interfered with (quite a private and independent person for the most part) and having my routines and certain liberties withdrawn has made me slightly resentful and irritable to health care supporters.

Logically I know I shouldn't start running before I can walk... my mood is still turbulent and intrusive thoughts can spiral to crisis point (already had the 'wish I was dead' thoughts flashing through my head about an hour ago).

Guess I'm confused. I don't want help... but to push it away could be foolish... and to mislead (my wife said only the other day how persuasive I can be in fooling others into thinking things are fine... my mask) is potentially dangerous and piles undue pressure onto her.

Gah.

I just don't want to go back into hospital... has been nice to be at home in peace and quiet without all the noise, turbulence and having to force myself to talk to others when they've approached.

Then tell your wife about your thoughts...all of em.. It will make the situation more stable.

Edit: you can show her this post.. :S

I did chap, read it out to her before posting. She'll be with me when the crisis team come.

Hi ToeJam. I can relate to the calm but lethargic and depressed mood. I am like you in that I am normally a private and independent person and I get bothered when my routines are disturbed. I was upset yesterday when it seemed to me a person on this board was attacking you in a personal way. You have already been thru so much stuff. I feel like we should be supporting and helping each other instead of attacking each other. I also did not feel like you should have been put in the position of having to explain and defend yourself either. Anyway. I hope today starts getting better and I hope the stressful feelings ease up for you. Sending hugs your way.