Stressed... about to go into hospital

Hi TJ, I am glad you had a good visit with your mum. You have been thru a lot and it sounds like you are making progress. I am like you, it takes me a while to trust people because I have been treated wrong in the past. I know in my heart things will get better by and by. Mental and emotional suffering is rough. You are a good person and I wish you the best.

Well, going home for some day leave in about 20 minutes. Hopefully it will go well, feeling ok within myself as I type this... a little reflective, acknowledging what could trigger and what to avoid but yeah... hoping it will be a decent day. Wife is doing a BBQ and then my (recently made redundant) friend is popping round in the afternoon.

Go tj! Go tj! (thats definately happy cheering crowd!) I wish I wrote this one hour earlier before you went for the day leave.

For the most part, day went well.

This is probably going to be a downer entry but will start it off with the positives:

Day at home was lovely for the most part (I'd say a good 80%), wife and I had a light lunch of scones and Devonshire cream (she put jam on it, but scraped it off when I wrinkled my nose and remembered I don't do jam and crap like that :hashface: ), and then we got busy preparing for the bbq and our two guests arriving... apparently I shocked my wife by tidying up the dining room... and she told me later that when her dad came round she expressed amazement but kept her mouth shut at the time as I don't do 'cleaning' and she didn't want to draw attention to my break from the norm... in truth, I knew my friend is a massive clean freak and I just wanted things to look a little more presentable so she didn't take the piss.

BBQ was great, wife is a good cook (I know most husbands will say this for fear of never being fed again if they say otherwise... but she is actually good) and my friends daughter (about 8) spent most of the time with her chatting, helping and learning how to make burgers from scratch and stuff (wife is a teacher for around that age group so was just natural for her) while my friend and I had a chat outside... talking about work and primarily mh (she has recently being diagnosed with anxiety and agoraphobia which has come out of the blue and knocked the sails right out of her... very outgoing and outspoken person for the time I've known her) and her family and support group are of the ignorant 'snap out of it' type which she's been having to deal with through gritted teeth. Said that she knew I'd been struggling with mental health for some time and though we'd talked in the past she had never truly understood till it bit her in the arse directly. I've said that I'm a phone call away any time she needs to chat, off load, get a different perspective.

Asked me how things had been since I got admitted and I was quite frank and honest. Did this only while her daughter was well away and I was the one that encouraged the kid to go help my wife... too young to hear this kinda crap. Friend was really good with it, non judgemental and said it gave her an insight into how hard I'd been masking things while we'd been at work.

She's going to come visit me at the hospital this Friday and we're going to go for a walk around the grounds. I know where I stand with her... she's told me many times in the past that for her friends come and go and she finds it easy to drop people so I'm going to treasure the moments we stay in contact but understand when it comes to an end... chance it won't, I'm quite good at keeping friendships going irrespective of the above... I'm tenacious and patient... but it won't hurt if a sudden cut off occurs.

Ironically she has literally just text me to say amongst other things: "Lost all the friends I had and in times like now it's friends I need".... powerful coincidence as I type

When they left I had a wave of exhaustion, had really enjoyed the afternoon and was not even aware of being tired (usually I feel pressure building up) but it caught up in the end and I went into a bit of a blank state that my wife recognises... asked me if I wanted to come out into the garden with her but I said no, I'd just stay on the sofa for a bit. Intrusive thoughts crept in and the wish to cut... but I knew to do so would ruin a lovely day for the wife.

This is where it gets a bit negative.. sort of, was honest in the end and had a heart to heart with the wife... but I looked for options around the dining room and of all things to pick up on I saw a pencil sharpener... a blade I could easily smuggle into the hospital for later use, unscrewed it and slipped it into my pocket knowing that on entry to the ward that they check bags, wallets but never pockets.

Was feeling sadder and sadder by this point and sly... guilt that were it to come to cutting, the wife would find out at some point and would feel betrayed, that I would be taking a step back and the hospital would come down hard on me.... just felt like a total failure but the blade stayed in my pocket... just sat there and started packing my stuff for returning to the hospital. Wife came in and tried talking to me... I wasn't being very responsive so she just sat down in front of me and said how proud she was of me for today and how well it had gone... well that was a 'damn it' in my head and I must have looked thoroughly miserable.

Told her I wanted to cut, that I was frustrated and exhausted (I had freaked out earlier in the morning before the wife came to collect me and had done a couple of small cuts for the first time since Wednesday so had felt bad about that anyway)... that I was starting to feel very secretive about it... that telling anyone if I'd done anything was just getting me in the crap and that was making me angry. She said she'd never be angry with me, she doesn't like me doing it... but she'd rather I told her about it rather than hid it. Sighed, stood up and gave her the blade.. apologised... and she hugged me.

We had a chat and I told her that I was still really angry with the support worker I've mentioned before... that had I been my normal self I doubt I'd have ever got myself into that position in the first place... to which my wife agreed... that she knows my antenna for figuring people out is usually pretty good but I was caught out while vulnerable and as someone earlier in this thread said... not to let this bad experience effect my attitude towards others, that I am quite open hearted apparently, and when I'm stronger again I'll be able to apply it well but be guarded with the few that normally ring the warning bells for me.

Oddly enough, this post doesn't feel quite as negative as I initially thought.. been quite therapeutic... and if you've read it all, I'm impressed.

Edit: Ironically, my bags were not even checked on entry to the ward so I could have technically brought a small arsenal... had a small cynical chuckle as I sat on my bed.

You had to develop people-sensing skills early on in life to survive, or survive emotionally. To have those skills "fail" you at a critical time in your life would certainly be traumatic, a kind of double trauma.
May you start feeling the strength soon.

Had a small chat with the one support worker I feel comfortable talking to 'off the record' though she has stipulated that there are boundaries to that and if it was something that endangered me she would have to say... I've accepted this.

By talking about feeling we are technically breaking the rules of my care plan as I'm meant to only talk to qualified nurses but she is a retired matron and as she puts it 'has been nursing before most nurses on the ward were born' which made me smile.

Told her that I was starting to feel like a pressure cooker, that the restraining the urges of impulse was taking it's toll and that I was starting to feel secretive just for an easy life and to get off the ward without disappointing anyone (was really tired so I'm sorry if I'm being a broken record and have gone over this before). She listened and said that it's understandable to have a breaking point... that she used to go to the gym and on the step machine would imagine she was stamping on the heads of the people that had pissed her off that day... I chuckled, reminded me of my mum telling me a similar example where by she would just smile at people, not showing any negative reaction but would imagine them on the loo with sever constipation straining and looking in pain. Odd examples but healthier coping strategies than I have I guess lol.

I bit the bullet and went to see if my contact nurse was available for a chat... turned out she wasn't and would not be for the rest of the night. My mood plummeted again but instead of cutting I wrote a letter as instructed by the nurse in charge of my file, walked back to the nursing station and handed it to her... expressing in the letter the plummet in mood during the evening, that my bags had not been checked (3 hours past that point by when I'd handed the letter over) and that I had almost brought something in with me if it hadn't been for self restraint and talking to my wife... and that presently I was barely containing impulsive urges to cut or punch.

Had no idea if she'd come and speak to me and I kind of regretted handing the letter over once I'd done so... felt a bit weak but it was better than just giving in and cutting.

Well she did come in and asked to look in my bags straight away, offered them over though commented that it would be daft of me to have mentioned it if I had in fact brought anything in.

She insisted on us having a chat... I told her about what happened with my wife, about the afternoon with my friend and the massive plummet in mood. That I had been desperate to talk to someone for a while but had been limited as she was the only nurse on shift and I knew she was busy (did not mention talking to the support worker, as said.. technically shouldn't be).

She said that the majority of the day sounded like it went very well... that I need to be a bit selfish at this time when it comes to helping others with mh issues as I need to get my own balance back... and that she was proud that I hadn't brought anything in... to have done so would have been a massive step back, I would have gone on observations again.. especially if I'd cut with it and that considering how well I'd done this week, would have been counterproductive. Was also pleased I gave her the letter and that she appreciated that it's hard to read my mood when I'm out on the ward (as I'm guarded) so her initial refusal had been based on my mask of calmness.

Kind of my own worst enemy on the last bit... just force of habit but people don't know I'm near breaking point till I've broke :s

I think all things considered you did very well for a whole day out of the hospital with all the changes and distractions, and having an 8 year old child around. Sometimes a change in scenery can be a distraction. I wish you did have a better support worker. It's hard when you have people taking care of you that are difficult to get along with.

You did well overcoming the urge to cut and self-harm. You are making progress. Bit by bit I know things will continue to get better.

Most likely you thought it would be a negative post cause you feel bad. Thats how it is for me. Even if I do great but feel bad I don't really look upon the day as a success even though if I look at it objectively, I would. I'm impressed by you.

lolol xD

It's a difficult task... but you did it!

Hi TJ, I'd say you did really well over the day!!
And it sounds like you got something quite meaningful/enjoyable/significant out of the "positive" bits of it, so don't let go of that. The very fact that you've come so far allowed for that, so recognise it, give yourself credit!!
And the "negative" bits..........you know I can't really describe them as simply as that, because there was a lot of "positive" in there too:
Yes, you got to the point where you needed a blade and you got one...........well you turned it over!! Isn't that a positive? Outweighs the needing a blade in my book considering..........
You've felt really bad.............you've talked about it, not just once, not just twice, not just to one person, not just to two people and you've used that towards helping you through.
You haven't been completely understood by people...............you've told it like it is you've helped turn that around for yourself.
And I can keep going if you want............
But, you know lots of positives even in the "negatives".
And you TJ, should be proud of yourself!!!
Alison

very proud of you

Thanks for the messages of support and advice.. as always, encouraging and has helped.

Had a bit of a set back today... majority of day was ok but I went for my T session (also good) but got triggered on the way to the bus to come back to hospital, which meant going through town.

Wife was tired and probably not thinking so despite me putting my ear phones in to control the over stimulus of noise.... she wanted to talk. I kept taking an ear phone out and was being assailed from all sides by noise that I couldn't handle.... by the time we got to the bus station I was at breaking point and was barely restraining punching the walls/bus shelter (baring in mind we were surrounded by people).... I had to walk away, put my ear phones in and try to calm down.

Was still very agitated by the time we got back to the ward.. wanted to cut, so asked the nurse on my rota if she'd have time for our 15 min chat, she said she'd make time. Didn't happen... I kept my cool but was obviously disappointed to be let down. Next shift came on and only one nurse would be covering the shift (also on my rota)... explained that I was very tense and would he find time.... told me he was going to be extremely busy and wasn't sure.

I nodded... went back to my room and sat there shaking... wanted to punch the walls but couldn't because blood spattered knuckles draw attention... wanted to scream but couldn't as that would draw attention, wanted to start throwing anything in sight across the room but couldn't because that would draw attention.

Didn't want to write a letter expressing my feelings... done it a couple of times now and I've felt bad as the nurses are understaffed and if they are hard pressed and admit to this being so... a letter is kind of begging for attention they can't give but then feel obligated to.

So I cut... and the angrier I got, the more excessive it became... all concealed of course... but really went for it.

After a while the thought of 'you should have called your wife' came to mind... but she (she's not a mind reader, nor was it done in spite) had set the trigger off and I didn't want to get angry at her... but I needed to speak to someone.

Told her what I'd done... that I was feeling majorly pissed off at everything, worried about the future, worried about this, that and the other.. that I felt trapped from doing anything because it all goes in that damn ****ing file and then I get a bollocking from my named nurse and so only thing I could do was lie and cut discreetly when all else failed.

She asked me if I'd had intrusive suicidal thoughts to which I said yes... but that was pointless in itself... would only fail in here anyway and I'd end up starting from scratch with an even longer prolonged stay.

We had a long chat and she did calm me down.

An hour later and I was ok again.... and the nurse comes through and says he has time to have a chat.... gritted my teeth a bit but followed him through to the meeting room. Asked how my day had been... told him in honesty (omitted the cutting) and then at the end he asked... 'so have you self harmed?' I don't like lieing so I just went stony quiet and looked away. Asked again and I muttered that I had and was pissed he was asking as I knew it would go in the file.

He put a positive spin on it though... said about things getting better... that the positives recently have been outweighing the negatives... that 60% positive day with 40% negative was steps in the right direction... it was about getting that percentage higher but that of course there would be days that are harder than others.

Putting a line through it and tomorrow is another day... said I'm still dreading the telling off I'm going to get from my named nurse though

That nurse you talked to seems great! And I agree.. I would see this as a progress cause you first resisted si for a while... then you told the truth about it. Aswell as you called your wife. Maybe I am overly optimistic but.. well.. hang in there tj..

Something tells me you are not the one who should be told off.
A person can be shamed into silence. Can they shame one into true stable function?

Thanks both, not sure if the following says a lot about my 'needs'... but been a strange day.

As I've mentioned I've been very reclusive and kept to myself... I listen to music for the most part in the main ward; noise I can't control or isn't low stimulus (one to one) jars me... partly why the night is my favourite time here and is when I come out of my room.

Well, I did an activity this morning (creative writing) which wasn't all that great... for whatever reason there was a lot of talking about how future sessions should be and the 'group' conversation was uncomfortable... I closed my eyes through most of it and used calming techniques, visual imagery and waited it out till we got to do some writing (45 minutes later -.- ), will give the session another go next week but if the 'chat' becomes a trend then I won't bother as it's a trigger situation and I'd rather avoid it till I'm more stable.

Came back to the ward a bit grouchy but put my ear phones in and ate lunch. Spk to the nurse on my '15 minutes of chat on feelings per shift' to give me a yell when she was free and retreated to my room. An occupational therepest came onto the ward in the mean time to specifically speak to me about doing courses and activities once I get discharged... had a chat about what I'd been doing, what I want to do and gave him some food for thought on a plan to draw up for me next time he sees me (this Thursday apparently).

Was still smarting somewhat from what happened yesterday... been discreatly looking at the cuts I've made and of course they make me sad. Waited patiently for the nurse on my rota to come find me... in the mean time the nurse for the next shift said he would not be in that afternoon and he'd swapped it over to a nurse that makes me uncomfortable.

3 o'clock was fast approaching (change of shift) and I asked where the morning nurse was.. turned out she'd been in meetings and was not going to see me. Can't explain it and as I said at the start perhaps this indicates 'needs' which I'm going to elaborate on later... I felt the pressure start to build... that I was to be let down once more and this time from a nurse that I have a lot of respect for (same goes for the nurse who said he had to swap)... wanted so desperately to talk to someone and it wasn't going to happen... and I got that trapped feeling I mentioned in the post above... came on so fast, mood plummeted so quick... was breathtaking. Made a cut... did nothing, and I didn't want to add to what I'd done already... and then the suicidal thoughts just cascaded... I put my boots on and was building myself up to going on one of my 'unescorted' walks.

There was still some rational going on in my head... so I went out to the nurses station and spoke to the nurse there... she was pretty unhelpful (and will put this into context later too) saying I'd just have to wait to talk to the nurse on the next shift... I was at screaming point by now... started to pace and found a nook in the corridor that is slightly out of sight of most people but can be seen if someone walks by... was better than being in my room. Punched the wall damn hard (didn't split skin) then curled up into a ball on the floor shaking.

One of the kinder support workers came across me, leant down and asked how I was... just looked at her in a panic, saying I was confused, had no one to talk to and was trying to keep it together... that the nurse I was meant to speak to was in a meeting and I didn't know what to do.

That nurse came out and said she would speak to me as soon as her meeting was done (which meant taking time after her shift) and to not do anything in the mean time (made me promise)... long story short I got to speak to her, told her that these 15 minutes were currently my only real life line of human contact at the moment.... that I was in my room for most of the time as I couldn't handle the ward (cascade of noise... behaviour of patients doesn't scare me) and sitting out there with earphones in was pointless. That my joy for walking had died since that was totally solitary now as well, with escorted walks being thoroughly discouraged... for 'independence' sake... a possible misconception of what my problems are. That being alone was feeding my misery (though on reflection, depression is often the feeling of being alone right?).

She was really kind, let me talk, cry... I even showed her the cuts (something I hadn't done with the nurse the night before) saying that I just felt ashamed. Told me that when ever she is on shift she will make extra time to talk to me in between the 15 minutes anytime... and that she was curious at the dismissal of the nurse above who told me to just wait for the next nurse on the shift.

Ironically an hour later the nurse who had dismissed me popped her head round my curtain and asked if I fancied an escorted walk... said yes of course and we had a pleasant chat for the most part (I keep walking chats pretty light), but she asked what had happened earlier as she had not read how stressed I was. Admitted that I'm probably my own worse enemy... poker faced? when I'm panicking inside (she was the nurse that let me down yesterday) and that I don't show my emotions when surrounded by other people.

All in all though, a set back was averted due to me seeking help and good staff being on hand to help.

Both nurses did comment that in comparison to how I was when I first came in though, there has been a gigantic improvement in my control and overall mood... slips and impulses are occurring but things are getting better.

A couple of additional notes.

One pertaining to 'socialising' above, staff have obviously got to know me by now and are aware of my humour, traits and general mannerisms. It has been said to me that the intake of patients during my time here has been unfortunate in so much as matching me up with like minded patients has been near impossible.

That's not to say I talk to nobody, but there is a massive gap in the chat... generally one sided with me listening and helping... I don't have anyone to bounce off of.

Oh... and the creative writing group.

I collect t-shirts, usually quirky ones... I'm a nerd and love my marvel, big bang and other themes that might be a bit obscure.

Well there is a guy in the group that wears t-shirts that I wouldn't.... but that's not to say they don't make me smile (I don't particularly want to talk to him, he's very loud).... never pictures... just phrases.

Last week he had: I HAD SUPER POWERS! but then my psychiatrist took them away

and this weeks was: I love to sleep! It's like being dead but without the commitment.

I kind of want to go next week just to see what the next t-shirt will be

Hi TJ, got to agree with the nurses!! Massive improvement!!!
I know you've slipped at times with the cutting but if you look back at the last few days and think about how many times/how deep/how often you would have cut in relation to surroundings, triggers, feelings.............if you were in the same "place" as you were before..........well you've got to admit/see massive improvement, right??!!
And alongside how much more willing you are to talk about how you're feeling, when you're struggling, what you've done, what you want to do, how you're actively seeking/asking for help, and using that well........pretty ****** amazing TJ!!!

And I'd agree completely with Rohag picking up on the "getting told off/getting a bollocking" from your named nurse..........great way to make you want to hide it/not tell anyone about it if.........hey?!! Which is the last thing you want to be doing!!
And it's not like you completely clear mindedly weighed it all up and made the deliberated decision to......is it??!! Should be much more about supporting you in going through what happened, in not finding yourself in that position again or in building coping skills so as you feel less need to...........if you do find yourself in that position again. I could go on, but have a word with her, hey??!!
Good that you do have some other staff who really seem to "get it" though.



Alison

Hi TJ, just seen your additional notes........and any reason to get to groups or to socialise a little more is a good one in my book!!
And what's wrong with a little more distraction/anther "bright point" in the day, hey?
And it's kind of a reminder about how important it is to keep your individuality in there as well??

Alison

(((((((((( TJ ))))))))))))

Had a bit of a strange day yesterday that though horrible at the time, opened up a lot of clarity in my thinking and actually may have helped towards my discharge and feeling confident about it.

So, I have problems with things being sprung on me and changes to routine. My named nurse is a bit of a bugger for this... she is good at her job, very professional and I'm 100% confident that she knows what she is doing, I just don't like her and find it difficult opening up... she is one of those people that is very sure of herself and to argue is a battle... and with depression that's more effort than it's worth. Only way I can describe it is as a kid and you've been sent to the principles/head masters office.

Well some of my fire is back, but I'm still having problems getting a handle on my emotions and I don't handle confrontation very well. Last night I said quite openly that I find it difficult talking to her, that I've been querying if some of the improvement has been down to 'improving' or down to just not wanting to get a bollocking from her... this had stemmed from her further reducing my contact time with staff in preparation for discharge... the latter upset me as I've been very solitary and alone and those brief moments of saneish human contact have been a life line.

Well turns out she doesn't take being challenged very well and took offence to what I said, questioning my honesty (told her I was being totally honest, if she wanted it sugar coating, then it was a bit late for that) and also wondering if the last 3 weeks had done anything (pretty damn sure she was talking in anger; my wife, psychiatrist, T and friends have seen a marked improvement as the medication has stabilised me). Cocked my head to one side realising she had lost her cool and I was the one to suggest we step away and talk when 'we' were calmer. She ended up 'not finding time to' and said she'd speak to me on Saturday night (sod that, will get to that further down).

Well as the night progressed I destabilised and became very agitated, questioning my progress and getting in a right tiss over the argument... ended up cutting, punching walls and shouting at staff (was a bad night all round)... didn't get to sleep till just before 4 am, totally exhausted.

Had my appointment with my psychiatrist today and it hit me that in part last night had shown one clear thing - human contact in real life is something I struggle with and once I get out of here I'll be dealing with things alone... also that recently I've become a bit stir crazy... being isolated in a bed space for most of the time for 2 months due to noise triggers has been slowly driving me nuts.

Spk to wife before hand and she was happy with me doing what I did in our appointment:

First off I asked for the aspergers referral to be done via the hospital if possible to which my psychiatrist actually acknowledged that I do demonstrate traits that would warrant such a referral.... so it's to be done, will take a few months before I get an appointment though and to be aware of that.

Said that in light of previous discussions of hospital not being the best place for me... it has triggered and exasperated issues in some ways, I don't necessarily want to discharge... but I would like to start extended home leave sooner rather than later.

He has agreed to this but said for the duration I want (pref leaving today and coming back Monday to check in) I'd need to be assessed by the crisis team and support put in place during that period... the staff also asked my wife if she was happy with me going home for that length of time to which she responded 'yes, on the provision that support is there if we need it'... he turned to the nurse who was sitting in on the meeting and asked for the referral for the community psychiatric nurse to be pushed as there has not been any confirmation yet and once the crisis team have done their bit after discharge, the nurse will be my point of contact.

Turns out I'll have to wait till tomorrow for the crisis team to do the assessment as no one was available today (was late afternoon when we had the meeting), but at least I know things are moving in the right direction... will ride tonight at hospital out.

TJ!!! "Cocked my head to one side realising she had lost her cool and I was the one to suggest we step away and talk when 'we' were calmer"
And if she's wondering whether the last three weeks have done anything then she must be on a different planet than we are!! Sure you've probably hit some low points because you're there, and it might not be that easy adjusting to discharge, but you have faced full on things that have been really hard for you and overcome so many things (things you may not have been any where near as able to overcome so well before). Just come to us if you're doubting yourself, OK?
And the problems with human contact.......you might have a bit more flexibility when you're out in regulating and managing that, do you think?? And maybe sometimes it's more the "aftermath" of it that's the problem, so an opportunity to get in there with some grounding techniques before it goes too far occasionally???
But even if asperger turns out not to be a factor, it might still help to look a bit more into coping strategies that can help with that, they may still come in use for you regardless.
And for the extended leave/getting the crisis team to assess/organised/in place for you for your leave, well the "wheels can turn a bit slowly" at times can't they? But please try not to let that frustrate/annoy/dishearten (?) you too much. Sometimes good to add on (in your head) an extra day...two days.....to the time they hope to have things sorted by.........bit less of a "let down" then if.............
But you're right with: "but at least I know things are moving in the right direction"!!! I'd certainly agree with that!!

Alison

An essential, basic question. I would hope medical/psychiatric professionals would be sensitive to the phenomenon.

If the goal of inpatient psychiatric treatment is to make someone so afraid of being readmitted that they'll develop ways to feign stability...

ToeJam, I believe you have made progress over the past few weeks, but I agree that the definitive measure of that progress has to be taken outside the ward in the "real world".

Not every "setback" is a setback.

On a slightly amusing side note (well amusing to me), the nurse who was in the meeting with the Psychiatrist is one I've liked and got on with from the start... was also the one I burst into tears in front of after my failed attempt when I said 'that I'd sworn to myself to never do anything on her shift' (as if I really had control, but I liked her to the level that I wouldn't want her to be the one doing the paper work etc and whatever other procedural investigation would result).

Anyway... back to the point, afterwards and outside she nudged me and said 'typical that you'd want home leave on the nights I'm going to be on shift' to which I replied that it was partially to avoid my named nurse (they both don't get on all that well... some staff are quite at ease *****ing in front of me in private hehe) too which she had been unaware and then gave me that 'thanks, that makes it just all better' look... I grinned.

Yeah it was at that point I knew she'd lost her cool... on a professional level I wouldn't expect that kind of reaction and I was softly spoken so it wasn't like I was shouting or swearing at her.

But, I do go over confrontations like this post event and that led to a lot of self doubt and self hate... which in turn led to the explosions long after she'd left for the night.

My T is confident that I have 'traits' at the very least, so whatever the result of the screening she wants to establish strategies that will help me to cope. The ball is at least rolling, so going to not worry for now... will wait for the appointment and see what happens.

Thanks and yeah... been told to expect the crisis team to pop in to see me in the morning (might start getting a little agitated if they don't, but will cross that bridge if it happens).

Covered a lot of this in the above reply but to the last point on setbacks, I agree... they are happening less frequently (still intense and frightening) and at least the meds are helping a lot with regards to that.

But yes, I would say that I am able to think with more clarity post event and narrow down what is setting me off.

For this my T has been the most useful guide in helping me to settle, giving me tips on dealing with my oversensitivity to noise and using visual imagery to guard me (though it's all in my mind) when I am caught without methods to ward off the assault of sound.

I was a little sceptical at first but she wanted to imprint 3 types of imagery: Protector, nurturer and not sure what the actual label was for the third was but it was to do with focus.

As such we used animal cues... and they have helped when I can remember to recall them... especially the protector which for me is a dragon... I imagine it roaring at everyone around me to **** off as I march swiftly through the throng till I can get to somewhere quieter.

Hi TJ, going over confrontations later in your mind could be a good thing, if it leads you to feeling a little more comfortable with them were they to happen. But there's that line between going over them and, going over them. Sounds like it all kind of snowball's for you, sometimes??
Then maybe it could be a bit about the point you start at, the feelings you have at the time you're starting to go over them??? Maybe start with "Well I did my best at the time", now "What could I do better if there's a next time" and "What did I do well".
Because guaranteed there's going to be some things you did well that you can keep going/building on, and that you should be giving yourself real credit for. So don't you dare skip that bit!!
And find yourself a point where you can let go, even if you tell yourself I'll come back to thinking it over in half hour......an hour......and just do something to ground or distract yourself.
And hey, make sure you have a "space allocated" to file confrontations that have gone PRETTY **** EXCELLENT, because the one with the nurse should definately be somewhere near the front there!!! And pull it out and look at it at times, too!!!
As for the imagery it sounds like it's working for you a bit when you use it?? Maybe just practice will help it come along a bit more?? Sometimes it can take a while to kind of "internalize" things so as they're more accessible when we need them. So keep working on it?? And it is a nice bit of imagery you have there
Well........hopefully it will go for you well tomorrow, but don't forget if the crisis team are a bit slow in getting things moving...........it is just a matter of time.........you will eventually get your leave...........just about sitting it out, and you've sat out much longer waits, right?!!

Alison

May your dragon be spectacularly ferocious.

Crisis team came to assess me today and will be dealing with me while on home leave during the next two weeks. Was interesting and I was a little nervous as they were definitely ensuring that it was safe for me to be going home in the first place so yeah, was a little on edge.

Informed them that I want to start building up home leave and that this was a test for me to see how I coped. That I am feeling more stable due to the medication than I did when I had 3 days leave over a month ago and though I'm expecting there to be fluctuations in moods and even heightened stress... knowing there is support there in the form of my wife and the crisis team (a phone call away 24 hours a day) I should be ok.

They mentioned that once I've been discharged and transferred to the community psychiatric nurse, it will be suggested that I have home alone support during the day while my wife is at work (leaves at 7 and gets back at 6... I do get isolated and in line with my diagnosis and notes this would be a safe route).

They are going to visit me on Sunday at home and then call me Monday for a follow up check in. I go back into hospital on Monday night after my T appointment.

Wrote most of the above while in hospital but had to shut down computer as wife came to pick me up and started moaning at the 'are you not even packed yet?'... I responded with 'we've been together 15 years honey, what were you expecting?' hehe. Anyway, this board has it's hidden secrets and I'm impressed... went to start this reply again and it had saved what I'd written

In the taxi on the way home I had a bit of a panic attack and wanted to go back to hospital... wife just squeezed my leg and got me to breath. Once we got home, paid the taxi driver, got in the house and greeted our dog... she was really exited to see me and we played for a good half hour.

Oh it is, big, black and grumpy as hell (more of a Welsh dragon in girth than a Chinese one)

i.e.: