Stressed... about to go into hospital

what are you really pissed at Toe?

Hi TJ. Sorry it was a hard day. Just have to take things one day at a time. Thinking of you and hope things get better. Yes, you had sort of a setback today, but you will go forward again, it just takes time. God bless.

Me...

That seemed like a provocative question at first and I was unsure how to respond. I scare myself, my emotions are a mess and I think it's that which triggers off the irrational roller coaster I go on.

I rely so heavily on logic to function... But when the emotions get the upper hand I just fall into a spiral of confusion and self hate. It's something my T and I have been working on unravelling for a while now and as she put it my emotional development is stunted from early trauma. There has been a recent development of possible aspergers but that is early stages and yet to be screened.

I can't say I am ever really angry at others... It's the context that I messed up in some way and failed to seem normal, to fit in.

Went for an escorted walk after breakfast and it was pleasant. I had asked prior about the unescorted situation and I am 'technically' still allowed them but was advised that it will be a judgement call on their part dependant on the mood I am exhibiting and that I have to be honest. That it would be better if I only ask well before the pressure begins to build up.

I am just going to keep to myself this morning, avoid any stimulous overload and listen to music while reading a book. Got some afternoon leave this afternoon to go out for a meal with the wife and I don't want to have any kind of melt down that will jeapodise that. Nurse yesterday was very close to cancelling it on me.

This is very similar to me I feel. If I can't put pieces together I feel disconnected and get frustrated.

Well I had 6 hours afternoon leave but it lasted 2 as I just became exhausted. Went for a meal in a pub near the hospital and the meal was really nice but the stimulous of noise - talking, screaming of kids, clatter of plates, music blaring was overwhelming and I got tireder and tireder as it progressed... By the time we left I had to honestly tell the wife that I wanted to go back to the hospital... Had a heavy pressure on my head and my eyes were glazed.

She said she'd stay with me for the visiting hours but after 15 minutes I had to beg off as I just wanted to sleep.

She left but I struggled to doze off and my mood lowered though I had no energy to do anything for the first couple of hours.

Emptyness remained and I did eventually get to the point of self harm... Realised what I was doing and went and spoke to a nurse to talk things through and admit I was feeling suicidal she wanted me to stay out of my room so staff could watch me but that became too much.

I asked to go on an unescorted walk but that was denied... Returned to my room and before I knew it I just fell asleep. Woke up at 8pm feeling a bit better and was allowed an escorted walk around the hospital grounds.

Feeling a little low right now but it's manageable and since all the patients have gone to bed, just sitting in the common area where the staff are at the desk, while I read a book and enjoy the quiet.

The staff are good with me on this regard and allow for me to stay up in this capacity (even giving me my meds early in the morning at about 1-2am) as this is the best part of the day for me.

Interesting - contrast this:
with this:
Food for thought.

It is indeed, but not practical for coping with real life. I need to be able to build up my stamina and defences again that have been severely strained of late.

I have for as long as I remember struggled with over stimulous but I was still able to function and keep my mask up for longer before I got tired or prone to the fight/flight response.

Today has been bad (again... Bloody running theme) and I didn't help myself due to using one of my many masks and a bit of intelligence. Yesterday was very poor as I've mentioned and as such I was not allowed unescorted walks... Was triggered this morning by another member of staff (was meant kindly but re-inforced my feeling of being alone and worthless)... I wanted out and set into plan that I would get to town again and work out what to do when I got there (not strictly true, had researched a method but in accordance to board rules I'm not going to elaborate).

Therefore, I acted as normal as possible and gave the impression I was of stable mind and character... Much in the way I would at work through necessity to cover up inner turmoil. Well... It worked.

I feel bad now that I duped the staff on duty but I was desperate and determined.

Obviously by posting this I didn't go through with it to conclusion and staff did intervene when I didn't return.

Once back at the hospital I had a chat with the nurse who reiterated the importance of talking but I am struggling hard to do so at the moment... My anxiety is down and my depression is high and that leaves me feeling solitary and very alone.

My wife came later in the day and once she found out (not from me, I was pretty sullen and despondent) she went out and told them that the unescorted walks were a terrible idea right now, that once I withdraw and set my mind to something, I can be very unpredictable and poker faced with my true feelings.

They have come down quite hard on me over it... I am only allowed escorted walks with a male member of staff and that was after a compromise argument... They weren't going to let me out at all at first.

All probably seems very childish on my part but my mind takes me to strange places.

This evening has been better again and feeling alright. I am however dreading Wednesday - got a urology appointment where there will be examing why I can't urinate without a catheta and that's going to involve a camera going up a place that a camera should never have to go.

Worried about the outcome... Really worried about the potential of (if not immediately) the need for long term use of wearing a catheta with bag on a long term/perm basis and as an active walker/cyclist that would be soul destroying.

You are up on 21 pages now. And several people are still following and replying. I know it's a different thing to feel and to know, and it's a different thing with irl and pc...but still... if you think about it...it might make you feel less lonely...

Yeah, I know thanks for pointing it out actually, not really been paying attention to the numbers as such though I've been ever so grateful for the replies and support.

Been kind of scared to read my progression from start to now as I'm sure it's a convoluted path of steps forward and then embarrassing steps back, repetion and just general moaning on my part.

Had a poor afternoon, same crap different day but after a melt down witnessed by one member of staff who then had to run to an emergency call (self harm, aborted suicide attemps are a lower priority to patients who are kicking off in which ever ward it happens and as such the male staff drop everything and go running to which ever ward in question to lend support if required).

So what happened with me went unreported and my wife turned up 5 minutes later and I told her I wanted to get out for a walk... Was obviously agitated to her but she didn't know why.

When we got out, I said I loved her and that I was sorry and walked away. She tackled me and locked onto my arm in a very tight grip (my wife is incredibly strong... I'm not weak, weigh 13 stone, and she can pick me up with ease... Kinda scary).

Took a while till I opened up and started talking. At first I was adament that I was not returning to the ward... Took her an hour and a half till I finally relented.

Well... She kicked off when we got back... (Had a private chat and told me after) Insisted on speaking to the doctor and then went full out on her dissatisfaction with the care that has been provided... That she has not been notified when I've walked off or had a particularly bad day... And then went on about the unescorted walks, that I am very good at being persuasive even at low points if I set my mind to doing something and that in my current state, it was stupid to be giving me those opportunities.

Mentioned a few other things including changing my named nurse as she triggers me off amongst other grumbles about my general deteriation since coming here.

When we were alone she insisted on me keeping eye contact with her as she said "you will get better, you are loved, talk more even if it's just to me"

Oh she insisted that with my urology appointment at another hospital tomorrow that a member of staff comes with us as she'll need support and help to keep me calm.

Back on level 2 (15 minute observations, no walks). Had a melt down at about 1am last night. I guess the pressure in the pot became too much and I just blew.

My named nurse is being changed and the (temporary) nurse I spoke to thinks my meds really need to be reviewed and looked at.

I see my consultant tomorrow.

I hope things start to look up for you soon lovely xox things will get better

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Thanks

Transpires that the junior dr spoke to my consultant after speaking to the wife and he insisted on me being put to level 2 then... However, as is becoming a trend in this place, this information was not passed down to the nursing staff on duty so I was left to my own devises as the pressure built and built for over 7 hours till a nurse on his own authority put me to level 2.

On a rational level, the beucrasy and mis communication in this place is pretty poor. I can understand why it's driving my wife crazy.

Hospitals usually are. :/ It's sad the states (or..our states) doesn't have more money/resources for this.

If I were in the uk I would go to your hospital and ask you to join me for an ice-cream out in the sun! ^^(even if it's raining)

My impression is that this facility does have some truly caring and competent staff (correct me if I'm wrong). Nevertheless, those caring people are compelled to exercise their skills through a bureaucratic machine whose workings are...less than optimal.

Strength to both you and your wife as you continue to navigate treatment.

I guess you are right. Can be hard to see it from my perspective at times but yes some of the staff are very good.

Been allocated a new named nurse who despite being one of those regimented jobs worth types... And is a little intimidating... Could be potentionally a good pairing. She is consistent, straight to the point and has already set into plan a number of things that should give me some security, ability to talk and less likely to withdraw.

Has made it so that I am to talk to specified staff that she has chosen that will all be on the same page regarding my care plan and lessen the contradictory help I've received prior that was triggering me. Every shift (with her it will be longer) - morning, late, night - one of those specified staff will talk to me for 15 minutes to gauge my mood and allow me to talk/vent etc.

Re: cutting - she has given me a note pad and when I want to cut or feel suicdal, I am to write down what I am thinking/feeling. She does not want to remove cutting material from me... Rather use the above alternative to pour out my frustration/self hate/panic/random urges.

She wants me to use my ear phones to listen to music as much as possible to drown out the triggers of noise stimulous.

She hates people swearing which as a rule I don't verbally but I did warn her that some of my writing will be littered with it when I am irrational/angry. She said that will be fine... Just doesn't like hearing it.

My wife was in on this meeting and immediately took to her in a positive way.

On a totally different topic - the problem with being unable to pee. My appointment for an investigation of what was stopping me was today. I had a bath before hand..... And I peed for the first time unaided in 3 weeks... Ironic, yet amazing and a relief at the same time.

Still had to go for the appointment though and the urology consultant insisted on putting a camera up there to make sure everything was ok. Used a local anesthetic (awake during it) so got to watch the screen as it went up... Turned out everything was ok and he believes that my inability was a direct result of the medication I was first put on.

When the anesthetic wore off though... Pain is an understatement. I am used to self catheterising but this camera was thicker and more rigid so yeah... Felt like I'd been kicked in the nads.

One less thing to worry about though and I've had two pees since which has been a wonderful experience.

Might sound odd... But when you've had to self catheterise or wear one for a long period of time... To suddenly not have to is amazing.

Sounds like you've had a positive day hope it lasts for you and this new named nurse is what you need!

((((TJ))))

Wow....whata shift in your post. From these mental abstract issues (I see mental issues as abstract in a way) to your peeing.. xD

Sound like not just a good day... but a great day! Cheering for you!

Sounds like there has been some improvement in your situation. The new nurse sounds like she is setting up a better structure and better help for you. I am glad for the improvement.

Glad to hear the turn around in your post. Hope it lasts.
(((((TJ)))))

Saw dr today, taking into account the past week he has extended my discharge time by 4 weeks. Wanted to speak to my wife before me and from what I gleaned from her later he is unable to section me as though my depression and anxiety is a cause of concern re my safety (+ self harm) I am lucid if not exactly rational.

However he quizzed her over my behaviour, personal relationships and general personality and reactions to things since she's known me (15 years).

When I went in to join them (they talked for a good half an hour) we had a frank chat and covered a few issues that were bothering me.

All in all it was an alright appointment... Back on level 3 though they've taken away my unescorted walks completely (I have to be with a member of staff or family).

Waiting to talk to my named nurse some point this evening - bit nervous as she is quite strict and as she's got me writing down my feelings and actions as they happen, I think she is going to tell me off (had a small wobble this morning).

I think a strict nurse is what you need! I hope the talk went really well!

hugs

Well, I don't think my nurse quite knew what she was letting herself in for by asking me to write out my feelings, thoughts and general ramblings when the stress starts to build. I did warn her that I am more articulate in written form than spoken (I'm the kind of person that listens mostly and asks questions to keep other people talking)... But credit where credit is due, she has read the pages I've amassed and picked up on key points.

Transpires that my dr has referred me on for personality disorder assessment due to the history he established from my wife and as I saw on the referral sheet 'dysfunctional coping mechanisms' in reference to cutting and punching walls (think I may have done some proper damage to my hand today, going to ask the nurse to check it out later but something is a bit loose just behind one of my knuckles... High pain fresh hold so doesn't really hurt but yeah better safe than sorry).

Nurse has added to what I must do when I think I'm about to lose the plot - write down my thoughts and hand it to a member of staff without talking to save myself from getting anxious by speaking.

You may not be pleased to have a strict nurse, but I think her attention to detail and structure are just what you need. Sounds like underneath the toughness she is a good nurse.