I can't take this crippling depression anymore

As soon as I stop playing FIFA, I do a 180 back into depression.

[Bark]

In a way I'm glad school's starting soon and that I'll be back in dorms. On the other hand I worry about who would be my roommate and the pressure to study. I'm only taking two courses and I'm worried.

Feeling okay. Feel almost guilty I'm not sad enough at my aunt's passing. I didn't know her that well, but I did have a few recent conversations with her, including at the hospital. She was a good woman. So many people have come to pay condolences. Then again, there's the whole complicated family situation... I think that is affecting me. Not to mention I don't like to cry in front of anyone.

[Hellion]

Life sucks, what am I going to do about that....F***, afraid I cannot even keep a recent friendship I started going, even considering dating the guy...but f*** I don't wanna make him deal with a crazy person like me. Also haven't talked to a friend I was close to in ages....don't know why, I really should call him and get together with him...I am 25 and he's much older and not in great health so I feel absolutely terrible not contacting him for so long since obviously he has less time to live than I do(provided I don't off myself within the next year or whatever). And I'd be crushed if he dies and I never even spent anymore time with him.

I had a terrible nightmare again. I was so relieved it was just a dream when I woke up.

[Hellion]

I feel ok right now, but quite certain my life will end in suicide...

And sorry for all the negativity and posts of how terrible I feel, even though my life could suck a lot mroe....I just have nowhere else to vent about it. My family doesn't like to hear it and I guess I can see its painful and hard to deal with for them to see me like that...so I fake and I fake and I fake that i am ok and its so freaking exhausting. And I feel about ready to snap at people I care about and who care about me and I absolutely hate it.....I just want to run away, get away so I can't do that.

Don't know how much longer I can take it

[glok]

[dandylin]

Holding on for my son who seems to be slipping into depression and anxiety.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by glok

I wonder where all these elusive ups are.....and am starting to question their existence.

Same old, same old, same old, same old

[Grey Matter]

All I want to do is sleep, not eat, and not exist. So.

So far it had been a pretty interesting weekend for me. I don't know if this is a depression issue for me or not, but it seemed like yesterday I felt like I got attention from total strangers that I never got before. I've really had a struggle with shyness with strangers. I feel that it's a very good reason why I am lonely and feel depressed with it. For an example; yesterday while getting my mail out of the community mail box, a young woman walking her dog said "hello" to me. I felt that she acted attracted or interested in me. But I didn't react very good. I got tongue-tied and felt bad about it afterwards. I tried consoling myself after that thinking that she was only trying to be nice and she may have been happily taken by someone. I didn't know her at all.

Today, after church, I met with my only friend that I have. He and I went to Starbucks at the college campus in the Student Union. It's opened to the public. While there, I got talking to him about how much I had blown it with relationships. That I had been too shy; along with meeting lots of women over the years who told me that they were taken when I acted interested in them. I felt very depressed after talking about it, but I was glad that I did. This has gone on in my life for practically 40 years! And I feel like it's gotten worse now that I'm much older. I would want a meaningful relationship, but I feel like it's over.

Being at the Student Union made me feel like I want to be that young again and start over. I feel like I am of that age, but I'm not! It was 40 years ago when I went to college. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like it's so much better in college now and for relationships than it was when I went.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hormonal. Meh. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[CastlesInTheAir]

I'm not sure what is worse, feeling Grey and numb or utterly down and depressed? The Grey nothingness always gives me this off feeling that makes me uneasy.

[nummy]

Becoming numb again, and it worries me. i was doing to well for so long, I thought I'd be that way forever. *sigh*

[glok]

[Can't Stop Crying]

down, down, down

[rukspc]

Feeling numb. I woke up this morning to a text that just changed everything. This quote sums it all up:

"Sometimes our mind knows exactly what the truth is but our heart keeps persuading us that it is not true. We tend to trick ourselves into believing what we want to believe, what we hope to be true. Then until that one person tells the truth directly to your face, your feelings just get hurt so bad...by what you already know. Then you collapse. The truth itself is difficult to handle but the truth from that one person who you wish would tell you otherwise is the worst."

[regretful]

It's never ending misery...I wake up with the feeling that my life is in shambles and it is not going to get much better...ever...the most depressing part of all this is that it played out this way because of my own actions. I ruined my life.

[CastlesInTheAir]

[dandylin]

Swamped down in my own depression, dealing with my teenage son's anxiety issues.

[glok]

[herethennow]

haven't been here in ages...

is down. pdoc isn't really believing me. sometimes i feel like i have to go in with an actual attempt in order for her to believe me.

so was already down, schoolwork piling up like mad and i'm backlogged for a month. then came a really close relative's passing. that was painful. to add it all up, a close friend of mine completed a sui attempt. parts of me is still grieving for these two losses.. telling myself that i have to keep holding on. it just seems difficult at times...

saw T though, and T knows me longer than pdoc. T is wonderful as she is....

Does it get better? Can someone tell me?