[TheOriginalMe]

It is just me and depression, that's it. I don't deserve happiness, wellness, contentment, a remission, call it what you will, it is not going to happen. I need to get over myself and start accepting the truth, I'm depressed for a reason and that reason is that I am a waste of a life, a waste of a mind, a waste of a body, a waste of air. I shouldn't be alive, yet because the only skill I have is in staying safe I am alive and there is no alternative. Anyway, I may already be dead and in hell, so death can't end my depression and if I'm not already in hell, then suicide would send me straight there, so either way I lose.

My life is a mess, empty and lonely, sometimes I spend hours trying to create a fantasy to escape the horror. The fantasies are largely harmless, a bit like feel good TV drama, fluffy, lightweight, full of people and places that are nice to look at. There are obstacles and challenges to overcome but none are insurmountable. Sometimes, the fantasies become so real that I talk out loud, socially embarassing perhaps but not dangerous. Sometimes I involve other people in my fantasies, in that I lie to them, portraying events from my fantasies as something that happened in real life. These lies are not for personal gain, usually I just want to please someone else by recounting a pleasant or happy story. None the less I am deceiving someone, even if the lie can't hurt them and was never intended to.

I've tried most anti-depressants that are licenced in the UK. They have been effective in the past, but no longer as they seem to cause an unfortunate and embarassing problem for me. I am pathetic because I won't put up meds causing this problem, it makes me more isolated and unhappy than I am already. This in itself is evidence that I am meant to be depressed. As I am able to keep myself safe I am refused NHS psychiatric services, more evidence that confirms that I am destined to endure this depression permanently, with no prospect of any improvement.

Each day is more hopeless than the last, the pain is crushing me, I am weak and spineless because even though I know the depression is relentless, I am begging for it to end, shouting for mercy, as though I were spilling my secrets in the torture chamber hoping for the cruelty to end yet knowing that it never will.

I have tried to post these feelings many times, sometimes I write the post but don't hit the submit button. Other times my voice becomes lost amongst the pain and anguish of others who deserve more than me. I want this depression to end, why must I live wanting what I can't have?

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

OK, ... can you give us a tangible reason as to why you don't deserve all those things? Mental health disorders are not a punishment, ... I did not deserve to be this way, and by that same merit, neither did you. I get that you're angry, but for the love of [insert your God, here] don't aim that anger at yourself, aim at it your mental health problems; they are the problem, not you.

Get in touch with Mind and/or Talking Space, ASAP, and you'll likely get yourself some decent support. Mind deal with housing, as well as social and mental health support. Might also be worth looking up support groups in your area.

If you don't feel like sharing that's okay but what is the side effect you're referring to? Is it really worth feeling this way? Maybe an alternative med would not cause the problem (or to a much lesser degree) and possibly even work better for you too... I know you said you've tried them all, but there are a whole lot of em out there nowadays and they can't all have the exact same side effect for you.

I feel like that sometimes like I shouldn't even be alive and stuff, but you and I are just as deserving as anyone else. And if you are not a shallow, judgmental, only-out-for-your-own-gain-and-****-who-you hurt a**hole then you are more deserving than about 1/2 of the population. You are under no obligation to be a rich, super-successful, whatever person. If you just make an effort to be nice to others and to not be a jerk who takes advantage of people and puts people down for no reason then that's all you need to do and you are more than worthy in my book.

A lot of people lie - most of them do it for personal gain (and are hurting others in the process). I'm not saying it's a good habit, but you don't need to feel bad about it unless you are manipulating people for your own ends, in which case you should feel bad about it (but you're not so you don't have to in my opinion). But you certainly don't need to feel like you have to lie to please others... maybe just be yourself and if it's not happy and cheerful and exciting enough for them then ***** em...

I am in a bad place too and have been for a long, long time so I abuse substances to escape... I don't see a better life for myself so I just keep doing it because I feel like I basically have nothing to lose by killing myself slowly like this.

I don't know if that helps but I'm sorry you feel this way. I feel really hopeless, isolated, worthless, unwanted and trapped as well so I know how you feel and a lot of others here do too...

[TheOriginalMe]

Maybe I don't deserve to be depressed but I clearly don't deserve treatment. My GP referred me to cmht who assessed me. They refused to refer me to a psychiatrist as I am not at risk. I simply don't meet the service criteria. My GP does the best he can, but he thinks I need specialist support and there is none available.

To me it is pretty clear that I am meant to be depressed, that somewhere along the line I have done something that has put me in this situation and there is no way out. Maybe I'm not articulating this well, but it seems to me that if I deserved any better there would be a route out of this mess, but every time I try to get help the door just gets slammed in my face.

Why should anyone bother when I'm not at risk? I have a job and my own home, I'm not in financial difficulty, and I know how to stay safe. These are the things that qualify a person for specialist support, being depressed is not enough no matter how deep the depression or how long it has endured.

[lizzyjb]

You sounds as if you have pulled the towell. They think you can't have help and you agree.
I don't think you deserve this. No body deserves what a depression is. This only happens. There are lucky people strong enough to deal with life issues and there is people that can't, as me. But I don't deserve this, nor you.

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by lizzyjb

You sounds as if you have pulled the towell. They think you can't have help and you agree.
I don't think you deserve this. No body deserves what a depression is. This only happens. There are lucky people strong enough to deal with life issues and there is people that can't, as me. But I don't deserve this, nor you.

I feel exactly like the rug has been pulled away from under my feet. I can't deal with the pain of this depression anymore, if I thought suicide would give me a way out, then I would. However, I believe that if this isn't hell, then I would soon discover what is if I did that, so it isn't an option for me.

I can find no other way to escape from this and hoping that I might improve is too, too painful. I feel there is no other option than to give up and accept my fate. If I allow just a glimmer of light or hope in then I will be allowing myself to get hurt again. Some risks are worth taking but when the pain is this deep then it would be a fool that exposed themself to it again.

[Fuzzybear]

[Idiot17]

Fantasies is something i do to, usually having the fantasy is the only way for me to stay around.
(((((((Hugs)))))))). Hope you hang in to come to recognize your self worth.

[lizzyjb]

Fantasy, books, movies, tv series... Things that make my mind blow and forget how bad I feel.

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by Idiot17

Fantasies is something i do to, usually having the fantasy is the only way for me to stay around.
(((((((Hugs)))))))). Hope you hang in to come to recognize your self worth.

Thanks I seriously thought it was just me. Unfortunately the ability to fantasise has left me altogether it went when I lost the ability to hope

Glad to know that fantasies help you too.

[Idiot17]

I hope you start seeing the light and hope soon.

There were several instances where i wanted to question my fantasies on here yet i never had the strength nor energy to. It's comforting to know others dealt with it.

Good luck. ((((Hugs))))

[hope2010]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

Maybe I don't deserve to be depressed but I clearly don't deserve treatment. My GP referred me to cmht who assessed me. They refused to refer me to a psychiatrist as I am not at risk. I simply don't meet the service criteria. My GP does the best he can, but he thinks I need specialist support and there is none available.

To me it is pretty clear that I am meant to be depressed, that somewhere along the line I have done something that has put me in this situation and there is no way out. Maybe I'm not articulating this well, but it seems to me that if I deserved any better there would be a route out of this mess, but every time I try to get help the door just gets slammed in my face.

Why should anyone bother when I'm not at risk? I have a job and my own home, I'm not in financial difficulty, and I know how to stay safe. These are the things that qualify a person for specialist support, being depressed is not enough no matter how deep the depression or how long it has endured.

You deserve treatment, you deserve to find peace with your own self, stop blame you, it is an illness and I don't care what the "system" are telling you about qualify or not, you are depress and have to be a way to find a doctor that allow you in your country to get all the treatments you deserve.

It is not easy, we all know that, and is not easy to write what you wrote in your Thread here, I am proud of you for doing so ...

And about the need to lie to yourself, well seems to me that is more like you created your own fantasy to get through the hard times, depression hurts and hurts badly.

You don't need to make things out to people to like you, if they can't like you when you are sad, worry and depress, well they are not your friends, why bother with them then?

You can take care of yourself, you can work, you own a house, you know how to be safe, that says a lot about how you are coping with your depression. It's not making any better, that I know, but says a lot about you!

You are not alone, keep being yourself, I am in pain too, I am depress too, and I understand you, just don't lie to the ones that care about you, online or in RL. And if you lie, a white lie to then, just to cope with your pain, well you know what you are doing, and if that fantasy you tell makes you a little better ... whom am I to say anything to you, all I wish for you is to keep coping and learn that this is not your fault.

We are here to share, and you have been helping me and others, that's also say a lot about you, am glad you are here, am glad you put in words how you was feeling the day you posted this thread.

Hopefully, life will get better for the too of us. For all of us ...
Hugs,

Alexia

Therapy?

[hope2010]

LOL .... never mind all my grammar mistakes, hopefully our life will get better for us ....

I am laughing about my own mistakes not yours ... If I can't laugh about myself ones in a while I would not be able to go on .... all sad at all. Laughing is a great therapy!

Big Hugs

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by hope2010

You deserve treatment, you deserve to find peace with your own self, stop blame you, it is an illness and I don't care what the "system" are telling you about qualify or not, you are depress and have to be a way to find a doctor that allow you in your country to get all the treatments you deserve.

I'm still waiting for therapy, I was told the wait would be 10 to 12 weeks, it is 14 weeks now. There's not much I can do but be patient.

And about the need to lie to yourself, well seems to me that is more like you created your own fantasy to get through the hard times, depression hurts and hurts badly.

I was being hard on myself, things have moved on since I first started this thread, reading it back now I had no idea just how unforgiving I was being. I miss being able to fantasise, I don't know quite when it stopped, it was a pleasant distraction for so many years. Yes, I sometimes got a little confused between my fantasy and real life - so what? I'm glad I can say that now. There's no harm in wanting to make people feel nice and if a small story from me did that, then it's no big deal. So I forgive myself for not being honest 100% of the time. I'm not a cheat and I don't set out to hurt people, I'm not intentionally cruel and I only want to make people happy. I will try harder not to fall back into this habit though, it is a weakness, a character defect and I need to learn to live as The Original Me and not the fantasy version.

We are here to share, and you have been helping me and others, that's also say a lot about you, am glad you are here, am glad you put in words how you was feeling the day you posted this thread.

Hopefully, life will get better for the too of us. For all of us ...
Hugs,

Life has changed since the day I started this thread, I know I'm getting better, I have another new med and so far - so good. Progress is slow, and I am still waiting for therapy. The trouble is that the better I get, the less motivated I'll be to work at therapy and re-reading my original post I see that I have a lot of issues to unravel and resolve. The risk for me now is that I'll develop another disfunctional coping technique. Still, disfunctional or not, I've survived this long and my family seem to love me and I have some great new friends here.

Thank you, and I wish that we all enjoy happier days soon.

[hope2010]

Life has changed since the day I started this thread, I know I'm getting better, I have another new med and so far - so good. Progress is slow, and I am still waiting for therapy. The trouble is that the better I get, the less motivated I'll be to work at therapy and re-reading my original post I see that I have a lot of issues to unravel and resolve. The risk for me now is that I'll develop another disfunctional coping technique. Still, disfunctional or not, I've survived this long and my family seem to love me and I have some great new friends here.

Thank you, and I wish that we all enjoy happier days soon.

When the time comes and you get your Therapy all set up for you - I wish you didn't have to way and keep waiting - Well, when you have finally your first therapy appointment, if you feel less motivated to work at therapy, remember that you are not alone, you have great friends here, I am a new one, but I am right here with you, just remember that you can even see what you would like to improve about yourself, that is a plus.

And you are loved, and you don't hesitate to give a hand to help - by your post - to the others in the forum. Big Hugs

[fluffbuster]

I don't deserve happiness, wellness, contentment, a remission, call it what you will, it is not going to happen. I need to get over myself and start accepting the truth, I'm depressed for a reason and that reason is that I am a waste of a life, a waste of a mind, a waste of a body, a waste of air.

sorry, Original - but why do you believe you are 'a waste of life'? did you kill someone unintentionally? just wondering - were dinosaurs a waste of life? - they lived for like 165 million yrs and no one cared about them and they all died - yet - they're useful today (in oil). so - do you have an ego problem or is it because someone doesn't love you that makes you think you are 'a waste of life'? since you speak in generalities (very fluent BTW, well written) - i'm thinking you could write a 1000 pgs and still not let anyone in.
until you do (let someone in) - you WILL be alone in hell.
dramatization is a very good ploy, but its not helping you any.
take care.

[Altered Moment]

It is frustration with England's NHS mental health system is what I hear her saying. You have to have a gun to your head to get proper treatment. The intervention teams are just gate keepers trying to save money.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Clara22]

Hi
Diversity is one of human characteristics that upsets society the most. Society tries to uniform us, maybe it's just an economy of energy issue, I do not know. That is way when we stand out for the "wrong reasons" society excludes us, calling us crazy or abnormal. People take a great time and psychological energy to deny or hide practices or habits that in fact belong to their intimacy or privacy. If you had a friend in emergency, you could maybe learn about all the "weirdness" they see everyday. Also, cops and psychologists could tell. Unfortunately, all those professions have been trained to "normalize" people that is why sometimes we don't find good help but judgemental attitudes from them. Perhaps I am wrong but to me partly you believe you are meant to be depressed because you have internalized society mandates. We, people with mental health issues, "bother" society somehow. Despite recent advances, in a very profound manner, there is this idea of that there is something radically wrong in us and that we are here just to ruin their party. Well, that it is not true. You have the right to exist as everybody else. Also, you have the right of being in this way you are at the present moment. Nobody can question your value, even yourself because of your mental health condition or habits to keep yourself going. Of course, you have the right to aspire a better life, so it is your right to seek for treatments, and to chose the ones that suit you best

[hope2010]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi
Diversity is one of human characteristics that upsets society the most. Society tries to uniform us, maybe it's just an economy of energy issue, I do not know. That is way when we stand out for the "wrong reasons" society excludes us, calling us crazy or abnormal. People take a great time and psychological energy to deny or hide practices or habits that in fact belong to their intimacy or privacy. If you had a friend in emergency, you could maybe learn about all the "weirdness" they see everyday. Also, cops and psychologists could tell. Unfortunately, all those professions have been trained to "normalize" people that is why sometimes we don't find good help but judgemental attitudes from them. Perhaps I am wrong but to me partly you believe you are meant to be depressed because you have internalized society mandates. We, people with mental health issues, "bother" society somehow. Despite recent advances, in a very profound manner, there is this idea of that there is something radically wrong in us and that we are here just to ruin their party. Well, that it is not true. You have the right to exist as everybody else. Also, you have the right of being in this way you are at the present moment. Nobody can question your value, even yourself because of your mental health condition or habits to keep yourself going. Of course, you have the right to aspire a better life, so it is your right to seek for treatments, and to chose the ones that suit you best

Hi Clara, just to add that I totally agree with your post.

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by fluffbuster

sorry, Original - but why do you believe you are 'a waste of life'? did you kill someone unintentionally? just wondering - were dinosaurs a waste of life? - they lived for like 165 million yrs and no one cared about them and they all died - yet - they're useful today (in oil). so - do you have an ego problem or is it because someone doesn't love you that makes you think you are 'a waste of life'? since you speak in generalities (very fluent BTW, well written) - i'm thinking you could write a 1000 pgs and still not let anyone in.
until you do (let someone in) - you WILL be alone in hell.
dramatization is a very good ploy, but its not helping you any.
take care.

why do you believe you are 'a waste of life'?
At the time of posting I believed I was a waste of life because I was profoundly depressed, my deepest depression for many years, possibly my deepest depression ever. At that time I didn't have much (if any grip) on reality. In other posts I made about the same time I expressed the opinion that I was already dead, in that frame of mind, I was alone and afraid and with limited medical support. As things have improved, I'm posting now to show how much things can change in a short period of time. Whether my improvement is due to meds or just the normal progression of the disease IDK.

did you kill someone unintentionally?
Fluffbuster, I'm sure you meant no harm and I'm probably being oversentive, but unintentionally killing someone is a big fear for me and something that I brood on from time to time. No I haven't killed anyone (accidentally or otherwise) but I have an unreasonable fear that I will. That is the trouble with depression, it is unreasonable and when in its grip the unreasonable thoughts overtake and overwhelm me.

since you speak in generalities (very fluent BTW, well written) - i'm thinking you could write a 1000 pgs and still not let anyone in
I recognise that a big emotional issue for me is the ability to trust, so yes I accept that I have problems letting people in. I'm hoping that posting on PC is my first step to opening up. Even if my posts may seem guarded to others, to me they feel like taking a naked walk down the high street.

Incidentally, another PC member suggested that some of my posts, the generalites, the fluency, the guardedness, and even the fantasy life could be Aspergers or an Autistic Spectrum Disorder and in quizzes and screening tools I do score very highly for these traits so maybe that has something to do with the way I express my feelings and write about my depression.

until you do (let someone in) - you WILL be alone in hell
Again, I'm sure you meant no harm but during deep depressions I sometimes hold the belief that I am already dead and in hell.

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

It is frustration with England's NHS mental health system is what I hear her saying. You have to have a gun to your head to get proper treatment. The intervention teams are just gate keepers trying to save money.

You are so right there, no doubt the gatekeepers are feeling vindicated right now saying "Look she got better, she didn't need us". I've said this before and I'll say it again, if the intervention team assessors spent time in my head on a moderately bad day, they'd be on their knees begging for mercy, therapy and every drug known to pharma (legal or otherwise).

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi
Diversity is one of human characteristics that upsets society the most. Society tries to uniform us, maybe it's just an economy of energy issue, I do not know. That is way when we stand out for the "wrong reasons" society excludes us, calling us crazy or abnormal. People take a great time and psychological energy to deny or hide practices or habits that in fact belong to their intimacy or privacy. If you had a friend in emergency, you could maybe learn about all the "weirdness" they see everyday. Also, cops and psychologists could tell. Unfortunately, all those professions have been trained to "normalize" people that is why sometimes we don't find good help but judgemental attitudes from them. Perhaps I am wrong but to me partly you believe you are meant to be depressed because you have internalized society mandates. We, people with mental health issues, "bother" society somehow. Despite recent advances, in a very profound manner, there is this idea of that there is something radically wrong in us and that we are here just to ruin their party. Well, that it is not true. You have the right to exist as everybody else. Also, you have the right of being in this way you are at the present moment. Nobody can question your value, even yourself because of your mental health condition or habits to keep yourself going. Of course, you have the right to aspire a better life, so it is your right to seek for treatments, and to chose the ones that suit you best

Thank you Clara, as I've begun to recover I have moved towards the position where I can accept my weaknesses and foibles. I need coping techniques and until I get some meaningful MH support then I have to work with the ones I've got, mostly they are not harmful, just a little eccentric.