Feel like I ruined my life

Has depression ever gotten you to the point wherein you feel as if you have, by your decisions made in the midst of depression, ruined your life? I certainly feel that way now, and am having some significant trouble getting back on track. Any kind thoughts are appreciated.

i understand what you are saying , i occcasionally mourn the life i could have had , depression has ruled mine for over 25 years .i try not to think too much about it now as you cannot unmake those decisions. focus on making better ones from now if you can ,good luck

I feel like I have wasted 30 years of my life that I can never get back. I wonder how different life could have been if I had discovered meds back when I first displayed symptoms. the different choices I would have made in life. my only regret would be that I wouldn't have my kids but I could do without the rest of my life......but then I would not be where I am today and I am very happy with what I have accomplished in the last seven years. it took all that pain to get me here. so I am kind of mixed about it

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I believe that I first started exhibiting symptoms back when I was 12 years old. But I didn't have a severe episode until I was 19. And it's been around on and off since then. I just turned 30, and I feel like I wasted my 20s. I can never get that time back and I pulled away from so many people. I try not to think about it, but I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I never had depression.

I would like to support you in any way but I do not know what to say. I think you may be a good man at least because despite your mistake you wife is with you 100 percent. I do not regret anything particularly ( I mean, big stuff), I did a lot despite several limitations. I gave good fights. But now I go down hill and I feel past achievements do not add anything to the present moment, which is difficult and overwhelming. Once I tackle one issue, new issues appear and I do not have enough support. I am disappointed by family lack of reciprocity. I have been always 0 expectation and grateful for the little others want to offer. But it has been too much lastly. Ok, I regret not having admitted this was going on and started long time ago. It is like when you discover you have been cheated.
You are disappointed about yourself. In any event, neither you nor I can change the past. We can try to fix stuff now. In my case it is not being easy. Depression is not helping

I think I may have made some different decisions if I had recognized my first depression in my young adult years, especially as it relates to career goals. However, I cannot go back and change the past. I can only change the present and the future. I am trying to be careful in this episode of depression not to make the wrong decisions and screw things up. Best of wishes to you.

Regretful, my heart goes out to you. I know you are going thru some tough things, and maybe you have made some decisions that did not turn out so well. It may look dark and hopeless now, but somehow there may be something you can gain from this experience as hard as that may be to believe right now. Hang in there and keep up hope. There will come a time, there has to come a time when things get better.

I guess there is a sense in which I hope that it is depression, anxiety & my GID issues, etc. that caused me to ruin my life. Because, if that is not in fact true, then I have no excuse for all the damage I've done in this world other than to admit I am simply a fundamentally evil person. I hope it is true I have suffered with mental illness my entire life (even though I was never willing or able to admit it until I was into my early 50's) & it was this undiagnosed mental illness that caused me to become such a worthless human being.

That having been said, regretful... you know... depression is an insidious disease. First it causes you to do things you would otherwise not have done (or not do things you would have done) & then, if that's not bad enough, it causes you to look back at what you did or didn't do, & to regret those things. It's kind-of a double whammy, so to speak. The reality is, none of us knows how we might have lived our lives differently had we not been saddled with mental illness. All we can do now is to try to learn from our pasts, & do the best we can now & in the future. I believe you are doing that.

I understand what you're saying. I've been depressed and anxious for so many years and made so many stupid decisions. I've lost so many jobs due to my disease and I wonder if I'll ever be OK.
I think it is normal to look back on our lives and see the mistakes we made because of our mental disease. Of course we can always strive to be better in the future. We must never lose hope.

OH YES YES YES, without a shadow of a doubt, I've made some terrible decisions over the 33 years I've suffered depression. Some bouts of depression have found me ending up in the accident and emergency dept. Also not to mention the Psych hospital. I guess we could all say ''what if'', yet we'd never really know would we? I just find it so sad to have wasted 33 years, even worse is the fact depression is always just round the corner for me. HUGS. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yes, all the time. I think of all the kind people I've pushed away and all the happiness I could have had. regretful, I hope you and the rest of us here can find the strength to forgive ourselves.

-I'll be honest before I respond: I didn't read all of the replies so far. I read the op, and skimmed the replies. So I'm sorry if what I'm about to say has already been said, but I only have a couple minutes to say what is in my heart right now.-

I honestly used to feel like I wasted large swathes of my life, whether it was due to my depression, or simply because I felt that even when I was healthy I was just totally unworthy.

Battling depression has taught me so many things! I've learned to reframe my thoughts, how to support myself, how to ask for help when I need it or even just want it, how to forgive myself, how to stop comparing myself to others or my own expectations... and so much more! And every step of the way was unbearably difficult. And every moment was a "wasted" moment that I could have spent healthy if I were only a different person...

But I'm not a different person. I'm me! I'm the me who bravely battles every day just to live! I'm the me who has gone from the depths of darkness and almost taking my own life to now cherishing every moment. When I look back... it wasn't wasted because I could have made healthier choices... My life instead made me who I am, and even when I'm not healthy I would never wish anything different. Not anymore! That wish would crush me every time, and I can't afford to risk that in my life anymore.

I say this to give you hope. I HOPE it gives you hope. you're life isn't "wasted" battling with depression - it's an epic battle! Essentially it's life, REAL life! Life worth battling for. You're not alone. We fight this battle together, bloodstained on the battlefield and marred with the scars of our deepest moments, but not giving up! Every breath is a moment that we're fighting, especially when that next breath is Sooooo hard to take...

But you are not alone.

Hmm sometimes I feel that way, but then again I also feel a lot of these 'decisions' where more things that seemed the only option at the time. Or influenced by how i was experiencing symptoms...I mean it's not like I had it all going well enough for me and then I slipped into a depressive episode and threw it all away for instance. But yeah maybe had I known what I know now i wouldn't have bothered with college(which I didn't get through anyways) and would have dropped out of highschool and tried just finding work instead....but who knows even then I still could have ended up on SSI.

So yeah I guess it seems more the mental conditions and symptoms that make it hard to function have done more to ruing things than my decisions per say, though I've had plenty of not so great decisions just don't think any that really ruined my life per say.

Thank you for all of the kind responses. It's been a tough day, having spent most of the day waiting for an exterminator to address a rather large yellow-jacket problem - I guess I had the wrong two hour window and ended up waiting 5 hours for someone to arrive. Anyway, I'm glad to know that I'm not alone; but this still hurts like heck. I'm mostly on the verge of tears at most points of the day. When I'm alone, I cry (not something that I thought I'd be doing as an adult/husband/parent). So, Tuesday it's off to the MD for a medication evaluation. I think I need to take that leap. Sadly, all of this would not be happening were it not for my poor decisions. I'm learning from this - learned that I can't drink anymore (a positive), learned that I have a very loving and supportive wife, learned who my real friends are, and learned that I need to have a lot more faith.

So, thank you for all the time that you've taken to read and reply. I'm holding on by a thread right now, know that I'll be in tears by the next time I'm alone...hoping, holding on to hope...in this earthly struggle...

I don't know your story regretful, but to have real friends and a loving wife are decisions you should be proud of. I'm glad that you are able to learn lessons and identify positives through all the pain.

I know that thinking about all the good things and people in your life won't magically make the negative feelings go away, but please let them fortify your resolve so that you may beat these feelings.

Thanks...I do count friends and wife/son as the true blessings in my life. And I appreciate the kind thoughts.

BTW, my story is not too complicated - I got involved in a business that I really don't enjoy; it was supposed to be a good investment (it is, sort of); I left the business two years ago to return to my career; a year into that, I quit the job, partially to return to the business, and partially due to pressures from the job. As a result, I launched myself back into a rather deep depression that is exacerbated by my lack of meaningful daily activity. It is really like unemployment. I never realized, until I left it, how much I needed the work that I was doing.

So, I have no choice but to stick with the rebuilding of what was, at one time, a rather good life.

Thanks...by the way, forgiving myself is the toughest concept for me to understand. I was told to do that in the hospital, in therapy, by family, by the parish priest...it's all good in theory; the act of forgiving the self is beyond my rational comprehension.

Ah yes, so I do remember your story now regretful. Forgive me for forgetting it was you.

Consider yourself forgiven...there's a hundred stories here, each one as painful as the last.

Have I ever felt that my decisions taken in the midst of my depression have ruined my life?

I was diagnosed with depression at 14 with a progression into clinical depression by 15. Academics was a very big part of my life. My decision, indecision, stupidity, complicity and the slump of depression led me a generally scoring 75% and above student (that despite absenting a third of the school year still scored 67% on her final exam that year - the absenteeism a result of depression plus a smattering of social anxiety) agreeing to a change schools i.e. boarding school the next year (as it was a board-exam year and attendance really counts for those) in hopes that at least absenting won't be the problem anymore. My state worsened in boarding school. I paid attention less and less feeling like I had no support, no one who understood and started drifting into my own world more and more. I ended the year on the not so high of 69%. I returned home to find that most of my friends had shed blood sweat and tears on it, even classmates that used to score between 60-65%, whom I'd help out sometimes had jumped far ahead of me and wasn't that a kick to the ego! The gap widened and kept on widening. I stood on the edge of a chasm and kept falling further and further in. That kick to my confidence and self-esteem worked its wonders and eventually the self-doubt and pressure got to me and I became a drop-out. I hated going outside in case I met-up with someone (how could I face their questions? I had been someone who had been going somewhere before all this). With time, that fear has by now developed into a full blown phobia of people and going outside.
There are many other reasons, decisions; half-baked, ill-thought actions and the burden of their consequences that haunt me to this day. As it is now with 12 years down the drain, my niece is far more qualified than I am and I still dread going out of the house even for genuine medical reasons. I've held jobs briefly one for a six-month period and other for a measly two until I had to let go as halfway in my fears come back more terrifying than ever. I'm guessing as long as I keep going on making half a leap forth and two steps back, if not progress at least I'm not regressing - not that badly at least.

I can only imagine how badly I've hurt my nearest and dearest ones in the midst of all this. It must have been hellish but I'm lucky enough I guess in that I still have their love and support.
For each poor decision you've made there are people that have made worse ones as unintentional as they may be.

Keep those you love and those who love you close.

* You have their love, their support. One day at a time, one more step further. *

You may not get back on that track today, maybe not tomorrow either but as long as you keep trying, you'll keep getting that one step closer and one day out of the blue - when you look back you'll see that you've come a lot farther... that not only is that train back on track, it's done double time to make up that small delay in the beginning.

Keep that hope alive and growing.