[hope2010]

Hi! I missed and care about you all, I have been sick with joints pain for about a months now, turned out that is not an inflammation in my joints, that is the good news, the not so good news is that the pain are related to my Chronic Stress, PSD, high anxiety, depression and so on .... I have to start yoga, swimming classes, any slow motion exercises and see my Psy more often. I am not ready to do all ... I am exausted and the Doctor said is fine to just rest at home first all and nurture myself. The pain is also related to the invasive breast cancer treatment I wen through for more than 10 months.

I am so thankful that I am cancer free, but I am not well at all. Crying every day, sad, feeling so down that I hate myself for being this way ... sorry for the long post.
My best wishes, thanks and Big Hugs

My son has a stomach flu or something. I hate it when my kids get sick, I feel so bad for them. I hope that is all it is. He is pretty good with things, I hate vomiting and don't like to see them do that. He's sleeping so that's good.

I'm not sure if I'm ready, but I started going out with someone new. My problem is it doesn't take much for me to like someone, and I've been lonely now for almost a year. It takes TIME to get to know someone, but my heart is kind of in a hurry to find someone who seems really interested, and kind of nice.

Depression is always hanging there, I know others can sense it, I'm not sure how to cover it up. The pains aren't getting better, and I'm having a constant headache. I don't know if it is arthritis or what.

[aprillynn197]

I feel so ******. I hate everything. I'm so sick if feeling this way Nothing is getting better. My thoughts keep getting worse. I'm so lonely inside. I hate the life I have. The mess I made.

[darkpurplesecrets]

I feel very out of it and depressed. I didn't sleep most of the night and it is now day. Feeling like I am not good enough. Facing another back surgery in the next few weeks, and my fears are really getting me down. Just want the pain to stop and to be able to do the things I normally do without being in so much pain. I know that adds to my depression, and it also adds to dissociating as it triggers so much. Just wish sometimes I wasn't. Then again, being afraid of death....I'm lost. Breathe................

[regretful]

Another morning of misery...this has been going on for too long. My wife reminded me that it's been more than a year now...

[JustTvTroping]

Sleepy, but good. The real me surprisingly doesn't feel so temporary anymore. Though the bad feelings haven't gone away completely, I'm at least having a better time dealing with them than before.

[TheOriginalMe]

I am missing the woman I used to be. The woman who could manage her depression, somewhat imperfectly, but perfection is boring anyway. I miss that person, the one who had figured out a way to get by and who didn't mind being a bit different and a bit odd, she's been missing for four years now.

[aprillynn197]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I am missing the woman I used to be. The woman who could manage her depression, somewhat imperfectly, but perfection is boring anyway. I miss that person, the one who had figured out a way to get by and who didn't mind being a bit different and a bit odd, she's been missing for four years now.

I know the feeling

[lonely-and-sad]

I don't see the point of it at all today. There are no meaningful relationships in my life. There is no direction. My mother used to say 'something will come along' when I offloaded about my crappy existence. It never has in any substantive way. Any chances I did have to build something fulfilling for myself my depression managed to ruin - although I don't beat myself up too badly over the past as I know I can't change anything. I am not coping in the present. I am not happy.

[Turtlesoup]

It's been a long day (here it's not even 5pm sigh) have been trying to fight off being irritable & now I just feel down & irritable-bleh. My computer was acting up earlier & I had that overwhelming urge to throw it-that's never a good sign. Think I'll hide out here in my art room for a while just to lessen the fallout to my poor spouse. Crappity crap crap.

[Nammu]

I had contacted my previous therapist to see if she could get a single case contract with my insurance. Medicare no longer allows that unless the therapists are medicare providers. She referred me to someone else but I don't know if I want to start again with someone new. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with therapists and open up and from her online web I think the potential therapist is one of those "brief" session therapists that think you can solve your problems in x amount of sessions. I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to allow anyone to get close to me and have been wondering if it's part of the problem. I'm too afraid of getting hurt even by therapists to allow anyone to get beyond the acquaintance level. Transference, nope never had that, it would require trust.

[puzzclar]

I should be calling people... I don't want to.

I know now that there is someone who no longer wants to acknowledge my existence, and it hurts.

[Shriveled Muse]

Just one of those days when it feels like someone is beating me up from the inside out...

[tigersassy]

Not doing well. Wbc count was up Thursday and went to see reg doc Friday to get answers. Didn't get any. She's as baffled as I am. Ordered more blood work, ultrasound of my kidneys, x ray of my leg because I still have a knot where I tripped over a chair 3months ago, wants a CT scan of my head, and have to see a hemotologist on Tue. This is kicking the depression up major time. My reg doc is thinking it's something autoimmune. I just want fixed. I'm numb this morning. I just want to not face the world, but I'm making myself. Have to try to function. I'm still so tired. I don't know if it's from all the medical crap or not. I don't want to see what this medical bill is going to look like. I was scared yesterday but now I'm just numb.

[healingme4me]

I have T, on Monday. Last session, he'd mentioned the whole how we react to situations point. In his own words, of course. It kind of sunk in, came at the right time. That was two weeks ago. This past Monday, with PDoc appointment, I was a bit choked up, catching him up to date on life, the two months were filled with a lot. No mention of med changes nor additions.
Spent much of yesterday and last night in a most serious discussion with my SO. Something clicked in, through that discussion, in how I've processed my past in this city. And how I process my present, in this city. When I say click, I mean reality set in. As if my personal beast of burden from my past, which wasn't terrible, per se, just all the little specs of baggage, left. Whatever ounce of feeling burdened by any of the emotional roller coaster experiences, pain, animosity (towards me), left the building. ((Add: my ex bf &And ex husband) ))

Released of any shame,is how it feels.
Deliberations continue. Deliberations are a huge facet of what had/has been bringing me down. Been/being addressed.

[aprillynn197]

I am losing this battle. Feel life draining from me. Almost dead inside

I usually don't rant... but...

it seems that every single day there has to be someone to piss me off. They ask me to come out of my shell, they want me to express myself, but when I do, they think I'm just showing off. When I don't express myself, they think I'm an incompetent loser.

So I'm a little better at something than this other guy, and he's probably better at other things than me. I can live with that, but some people don't like it when they feel like someone else is a little more skilled perhaps. I wasn't showing off, I was just doing my job.

[Turtlesoup]

I recently started keeping a mood chart (oh how OCD people love to keep lists & charts ) & yesterday was totally up & down-looks like a streak of zigzag lightening. Drawing & listening to some moody music yesterday evening really helped me out of my downward irritated spiral. Anywho slept good last night & feel good this morning-will see how the day moves forward.

[favoritefountain2]

I like the idea of this thread. Let's see. This morning I felt like I wanted to throw up. But I'm getting through today. I'm thinking of actually writing or something. I'm not sure what. But I've turned off the TV. And I will even take a shower. But I still feel like I'd be happiest if I had no emotions at all. I just want to be numb and not feel the pain, or the anger, or anything at all anymore. I don't care about being happy, I just want to be.

[katelyn1019]

he left.

[Clara22]

I continue to be at the hospital. The healing process is progressing slowly. T comes once a week, Pdoc each other week. Now Prozac has stabilized my reactions, I have not had any anxiety episode and I do not feel I am low or depressed. I am trying to live in the present moment and not to think in the future too much these days

[TheOriginalMe]

I kept busy, lots of silly little jobs just so I didn't think too much. When I did stop to think I was still sad so I carried on being busy.

[angelene]

Had a nice, mellow morning, afternoon & evening. Then I examined a drug side effect which has left me a worried mess. The grammar in this post sucks.

Ohhh my god they're fighting so loud and it's almost 1 am and im tired and wanna sleep but nooo.