[tealBumblebee]

I've tried a self assessment tool which put me at about 5.5 which puts me at about 50/50 - which, duh I already know. T knows (it kind of slipped out at the end of session...) and is a little worried, enough to have me promise to contact her but not enough to commit me (and I think I agree with this decision because that would totally ruin our relationship as right now i'm very honest with her and never EVER break promises). What I don't know, is how serious I am? I just really don't know. It's like i'm still making the decision. I said I would stop reaching out because ultimately, i'm the only one to make that decision. That action, scares me, because I can see i'm pulling away. At the same time, the fact that there is some part of me that doesn't want to encourages me that maybe I don't. I just feel tired honestly. And I don't even know myself how serious I am. How do you evaluate this?

[Altered Moment]

A big thing is do you have a plan? If you have a serious plan are you willing to tell someone about it?

[Angelique67]

Right, I agree with zinco. How detailed are your plans? Is your method something you already have or something you'd have to get?

[Hellion]

Well when I am on the verge of acting on suicidal thoughts to me that is a good indication I should maybe consider going to the ER. It also comes with a weird impulsive energy where I worry first thing I think of I am going to try to do.

But when its not quite to that point then I feel I can manage it even if I am thinking about suicide...but am not in danger of doing something stupid in that very moment.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

A big thing is do you have a plan? If you have a serious plan are you willing to tell someone about it?

No plan. A few months ago I decided how I want to do it; but it's not a guaranteed plan. I would never tell anyone except T and I found it pretty hard today to even tell her I was considering it. Actually, she flat out asked me was I considering suicide and I lied and said no. But it's not really a lie because I backed that up by letting her know that I'm really any kind of way because I haven't made any concrete decisions about anything. I'm just kind of in the pondering phase and to the point that I need to stop going back and forth and dangling the thread and just make the decision and live with it.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Hellion

Well when I am on the verge of acting on suicidal thoughts to me that is a good indication I should maybe consider going to the ER. It also comes with a weird impulsive energy where I worry first thing I think of I am going to try to do.

But when its not quite to that point then I feel I can manage it even if I am thinking about suicide...but am not in danger of doing something stupid in that very moment.

I would never go to the ER (i work there) and yet, earlier in the week I actually considered that I didn't care anymore. But its not that i'm comfortable with it as much as I have a need (That i've told T) to self sabotage. I know i'm not in danger at this moment because even if I have the impulse, I have enough strength to stop it. But I guess i'm not sure how much longer i'm willing to fight it. I feel like i'm playing games with myself, god and T and just need to figure it out.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Right, I agree with zinco. How detailed are your plans? Is your method something you already have or something you'd have to get?

Not so detailed. I would still have to get what i need, do some calculations, and figure out when because I want to be alone and no one looking for me. Right now letters don't mean much to me though originally they were a big part of my plan.

[Altered Moment]

Thought are pretty normal for us. Plans much more serious. Of course the problem with being totally honest with a T or pdoc is that they might send us to the hospital. Maybe that is the right thing to do. A big judgement call on their part. If there is someone, anyone in your life you can tell besides a T or pdoc that tends to take the power right out of it. That's why we don't want to tell. Its our ace in the hole. You could sign a contract with your T or with yourself.

just make the decision and live with it.

Make the decision to live!!!

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

Not so detailed. I would still have to get what i need, do some calculations, and figure out when because I want to be alone and no one looking for me. Right now letters don't mean much to me though originally they were a big part of my plan.

That's good. At least you couldn't just do it. Please keep living. If you really do get close, tell your therapist, please.

[Patagonia]

I hope your plan is to live. Ride this wave out & you can do it.

I know when I'm really bad I have this overwhelming feeling of calmness. I don't worry anymore about details. I've already made the decision. I also, personally have a bunch of triggers that just click into place & my brain just snaps.
I try to reach out to T, but that's hard bec I feel like I'm asking her to intervene & her only option is to hospitalize me. But part of me puts that decision in her hands knowing she will help me in any way that she can.
Tell your T & maybe you can talk thru your feelings about it. Especially the "why" questions.
Peace!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[avlady]

i agree with patogonia, ride this wave out and you can do it

[Creative1onder]

I just read the slogan "when people ask you how are you, they dont really want an answer, dont want to know"..is that true? Why do they ask then how are you or alright? So they dont care how you are doing, feeling, whats going on in your life, unless they like, know or are close to you. I usually reply naively, saiyng im alright, ok, i dont usually reply very positively.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Creative1onder

I just read the slogan "when people ask you how are you, they dont really want an answer, dont want to know"..is that true? Why do they ask then how are you or alright? So they dont care how you are doing, feeling, whats going on in your life, unless they like, know or are close to you. I usually reply naively, saiyng im alright, ok, i dont usually reply very positively.

That's only true in business. Unless they want to know if you're really bankrupt, lol.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

That's only true in business. Unless they want to know if you're really bankrupt, lol.

Actually, that quote was what sparked the conversation with me and T today at the end of session today to even pathway into the suicidal thoughts. I needed to explain something to her and so I told her the quote that I had in my signature. She asked me if I thought that was true across the board, I told her yes. She said even with her, and I told her sometimes. She asked why I believe that and I don't know it's just ...true. No one really wants to know about the pain inside; especially when its never ending. People want joy and happiness, strength and resolve - not hurt. Not a burden with no name that never leaves you even in the best of moments. They really just really don't care as much as you or they think they do.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

Actually, that quote was what sparked the conversation with me and T today at the end of session today to even pathway into the suicidal thoughts. I needed to explain something to her and so I told her the quote that I had in my signature. She asked me if I thought that was true across the board, I told her yes. She said even with her, and I told her sometimes. She asked why I believe that and I don't know it's just ...true. No one really wants to know about the pain inside; especially when its never ending. People want joy and happiness, strength and resolve - not hurt. Not a burden with no name that never leaves you even in the best of moments. They really just really don't care as much as you or they think they do.

Or they just feel helpless. No one wants to feel like there's nothing they can help with. But I think it's more that the timing is often poor. At the moment of asking there isn't time to hear the truth.

[Creative1onder]

I dont know what others are intending whether good or not when they ask me how are you, u alright.. I just say ok, alright, good sometimes, dont say much really about how i really feel, how things are for me. I dont know if they are interested, care about me. But i usually give a short vague answer. It doesnt matter what they think of me anyway.

[Altered Moment]

It's time and place. If you are with four or five friends having coffee in public and someone says "how's it going" "how are you" they are not really asking how you really are. It is small talk, an informal greeting. If you are one on one with a T, they really want to know.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RRex]

Tried it four times. I'm burned out.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm kind of in the same situation right now. The thoughts are very intense, I am very frightened by them. I have a method, two actually. I have considered the details carefully and for the first method I would need to make some calibrations to be sure of what I'm doing. The second method is drawing me in deeper and deeper, I pass the place two or three times a day and I find myself looking, choosing a spot and so on. I've realised that I've stopped thinking about how my actions would hurt the people I love and the only thought holding me back is "Am I ready for the finality?"

I told my GP almost all of this on Monday, I'm never 100% open, but I told him as much as I could. My GP asked how many more actions would I need to make before completing the act. With what I have in mind there would be two essential actions. So that is two chances to stop and get immediate help. I stopped (and didn't get immediate help) before then, so I know I can stop and I know the right thing to do if I take another step. The other question that my GP asked was do I value the accountability of telling him. That was thought provoking and helped me see, that I'm not playing games, the thoughts are real, the risk is real, I have a strong desire to stay safe. As far as he is concerned if my telling him what's going on helps me, then he wants to know, even if he is a busy man with a waiting room full of needy people, he will find the time.

Remember, thoughts don't have to become methods. Methods don't have to become plans. Plans can be changed and don't have to become actions. Actions can be broken down into stages and at each stage you can ask for help. Staying safe is hard and very frightening, a constant battle but one that can be won.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I hope your plan is to live. Ride this wave out & you can do it.

I know when I'm really bad I have this overwhelming feeling of calmness. I don't worry anymore about details. I've already made the decision. I also, personally have a bunch of triggers that just click into place & my brain just snaps.
I try to reach out to T, but that's hard bec I feel like I'm asking her to intervene & her only option is to hospitalize me. But part of me puts that decision in her hands knowing she will help me in any way that she can.
Tell your T & maybe you can talk thru your feelings about it. Especially the "why" questions.
Peace!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm trying to. I think I want to. I just think I feel weak. I do understand that feeling of calmess - the one time I tried, was in a moment like that. I can say that i'm not quite there yet. I'm at the point where i'm trying to make the decision.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Or they just feel helpless. No one wants to feel like there's nothing they can help with. But I think it's more that the timing is often poor. At the moment of asking there isn't time to hear the truth.

that is a good point that i've heard before but not considered. I try not to ask if I dont have the time, energy or desire to really listen.

Originally Posted by Creative1onder

I dont know what others are intending whether good or not when they ask me how are you, u alright.. I just say ok, alright, good sometimes, dont say much really about how i really feel, how things are for me. I dont know if they are interested, care about me. But i usually give a short vague answer. It doesnt matter what they think of me anyway.

Yeah I told t today I was fine and she said "good" and "fine" are my code words for not.

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

It's time and place. If you are with four or five friends having coffee in public and someone says "how's it going" "how are you" they are not really asking how you really are. It is small talk, an informal greeting. If you are one on one with a T, they really want to know.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah T told me today that she asks because she is trained to but she wants to know because she cares. I don't know. I just feel bad asking for anything. Why not just make a decision and stop relying on others. (which makes me wonder why im even on here).

Originally Posted by RRex

Tried it four times. I'm burned out.

Tried it once. Didnt realize until years later how pathetic of an attempt it was. Have the urge to do the same thing but not with suicidal intent.

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

...Remember, thoughts don't have to become methods. Methods don't have to become plans. Plans can be changed and don't have to become actions. Actions can be broken down into stages and at each stage you can ask for help...

Your GP sounds amazing. And the quoted statement - made me think... I may have to apply this because I don't really know how close I am, but I'd rather not find out when it's here.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

I would never go to the ER (i work there) and yet, earlier in the week I actually considered that I didn't care anymore. But its not that i'm comfortable with it as much as I have a need (That i've told T) to self sabotage. I know i'm not in danger at this moment because even if I have the impulse, I have enough strength to stop it. But I guess i'm not sure how much longer i'm willing to fight it. I feel like i'm playing games with myself, god and T and just need to figure it out.

I certainly did not want to go to the ER but I was entirely certain I was going to try and off myself didn't really care how but had various methods/ideas in my head...already did try once and do not think its something family members found 'easy' to deal with.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Hellion

I certainly did not want to go to the ER but I was entirely certain I was going to try and off myself didn't really care how but had various methods/ideas in my head...already did try once and do not think its something family members found 'easy' to deal with.

See, and thats another thing. No one in my family knows i'm struggling. And when I had my first attempt (14 years ago) it was rough. I know that if I were to try now (and especially if I failed) it would absolutely break my family. They'd lose all hope in me and everything I ever try to do. It'd be the ultimate form of self sabotage.

[Creative1onder]

Thats the hardest part, feeling that no one understands or cares what your going through,how you are feeling and struggling to get right effective help and support. But how can people know whats going on in your own head, they simply cant. They can pick up signals in your body language, tone of voice, speech, behaviour that something isnt right. But dont feel how you feel, what its like internally. Only you know how bad things are for you, not others. Trying to communicate freely, openly to others how things are is difficult as well.

[ombrétwilight]

My old T used to ask me every session how suicidal I was on a scale of 1-10. I usually run from a 6.5-8.5 though I have hit a 10 before at my lowest (not too long ago). There is no set-in-stone indicator by which I gauge this, but how I usually assess is based on whether I have a plan and whether I feel compelled to carry it out. The latter part is key because I always have many plans running through my head (I mentally device a possible suicide scenario from every item/place I see) but at about 9 I'll have settled on a singular one and begin to need to do it. This is when the rational/self-preserving/sane voice gets drowned out by the chorus of bloodthirsty ones.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Creative1onder

Thats the hardest part, feeling that no one understands or cares what your going through,how you are feeling and struggling to get right effective help and support. But how can people know whats going on in your own head, they simply cant. They can pick up signals in your body language, tone of voice, speech, behaviour that something isnt right. But dont feel how you feel, what its like internally. Only you know how bad things are for you, not others. Trying to communicate freely, openly to others how things are is difficult as well.

I do know that people don't know what is in my head. In fact, I hide it too well. T and I have discussed this too. It's a coping mechanism i've learned since childhood. Its not that I want to hide it, it's that I KNOW that it's better/safer to hide it. My family doesn't understand mental health, ad they are not in the least bit shy about not trying to either. Honestly, I no longer want anyone to know.

Originally Posted by ombrétwilight

My old T used to ask me every session how suicidal I was on a scale of 1-10. I usually run from a 6.5-8.5 though I have hit a 10 before at my lowest (not too long ago). There is no set-in-stone indicator by which I gauge this, but how I usually assess is based on whether I have a plan and whether I feel compelled to carry it out. The latter part is key because I always have many plans running through my head (I mentally device a possible suicide scenario from every item/place I see) but at about 9 I'll have settled on a singular one and begin to need to do it. This is when the rational/self-preserving/sane voice gets drowned out by the chorus of bloodthirsty ones.

I like this scale and I think I will try to use this. THANK YOU! I just don't feel safe with myself anymore because while the sane/self preserving voices are still there, they're not as loud as usual. They're tied or slightly less than the suicidal ones.