[tmarie]

so for those who have read my previous post from today...well...yesterday....you all know it wasn't so great. one little event snowballed into this huge, awful thing. i was so upset, and my boyfriend had to leave for work, but i was just so distraught, that i was begging and pleading with him not to go. i knew that he had to, but i just needed him just to be there with me so badly at that point. i was hysterical...i just couldn't stop crying, and i was so worked up. he stopped by after work, and i just feel so guilty about earlier. i don't feel much happier, although his presence does help. he's the most understanding and sweet guy that you could ever ask for, and how do i repay him????? by making him feel awful about leaving me when i am so upset, when he doesn't have a choice in the matter.... what kind of awful, horrid person am i to do that to such a sweet and loving person? last sunday, we almost broke up. not because either of us wanted to, but because i was so mad at myself and hated myself so much for being so unhappy and miserable around him. i just couldn't bare the thought anymore...i wanted to free him of this horrid person. all i want to do is make him as happy as he makes me, but yet all it feels like i do, is upset him, because he doesn't like seeing me upset. i feel so bad, because he is the only person that i'm completely comfortable around, so he's the one that gets graced with this horrible person. everyone else i know just gets a front. i ask him soooo many times, "why do you love me?" cuz i just really can't grasp how anyone could love me, especially when i hate myself so much. i just wanna be happy, and make him happy. i really have a hard time understanding why he is still with me after how down-in-the-dumps i get. there's nothing loveable about that....ugh...i duno..i'm just rambling...sorry it's so long........

<font color=purple>"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I'll stop missing you." ~Anonymous</font color=purple>

[SeptemberMorn]

Marie, your boyfriend obviously thinks you're lovable or he wouldn't still be around. I know what you mean about asking "Why do you love me?" I ask my kids that, not my husband.

What I did and still do a lot is listen to the compliments people pay me. It's uncomfortable, but chances are, they're not lying. What would they stand to gain? I've learned to say a simple "Thank you" when I get a compliment even though I get embarrased or I don't quite believe it. It's really tough to believe the nice things people tell you, but you gotta try. It also helps to read books and/or articles on self-esteem.

Are you doing anything for your depression? Are you seeing a therapist? Taking meds? I'd highly recommend both! It's almost impossible to overcome on your own.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[tmarie]

no...i'm not seeing a therapist or taking any meds. i'm too afraid to talk to anyone about what i'm feeling. i have looked at the school couselors web page sooo many times, including today, which actually led me here. this is the first time talking about these feelings to anyone other than my boyfriend. i can't seem to find the courage to actually go and do it. i'm afraid of what other people with think and/or say if they see or know i'm going. like i'm some crazy person or something, even though i would never think that about anyone else if the situations were reversed. and a couple of my friends have talked to therapists, and they both said they were a lot of help, and my boyfriend has suggested to me numerous times that it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to talk to someone, but still...if its for me, i'm convinced people will think i'm a psycho...also, i don't want my parents, especially my mom, to find out. she already thinks that she's failed me as a mother because she never took me to church when i was a kid...if she found out that i went and talked to a therapist, or even my own doctor, but got put on meds or something, and she found out...i can only imagine what she would think and feel...don't get me wrong, i would LOVE to feel "normal." but i just can't seem to find the courage to talk to someone...and if i somehow managed to get there, i don't think i'd be able to say what i was feeling...i think i'd just sit there completely silent. i'd want someone to talk for me.

i do know what you mean about the compliments too...it's strange having someone compliment me on something i did, but i do know that i need to hear that, cuz otherwise, i just feel like i fail miserably at everything...i need that positive reinforcement.

thanks a lot for your note ...i'm glad i'm not the only one out there not understanding how other could possibly love them.

<font color=purple>"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I'll stop missing you." ~Anonymous</font color=purple>

[Peanut61]

Hi Marie: You said: "...if she [your Mom] found out that i went and talked to a therapist, or even my own doctor, but got put on meds or something, and she found out...i can only imagine what she would think and feel..."

That's just it; you can't and don't know how she would feel, so how can that be a reason to stop you from doing what you need to do for yourself? Even if she did feel as you suggest; those are her feelings - you're not responsible for how anyone feels but yourself. She's an adult, and she will understand, but even if she didn't for some reason, you still have the primary responsiblility of doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your health needs, right?

SeptemberMorn has given you some good advice.

Take care, and post soon. Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Well, you're here anyway. Keep posting. There's a bunch of very caring, helpful people here. We'll encourage you in whatever you need, because it's a fact, you are not alone.

You know... there was a time that is was a hot fad to go to a therapist. I don't know if it still is, but hey... You'll be starting the trend again!





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks, Jillers. You said it so much better than I could have... about "mom's" feelings. You're right on!





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[texdave]

Hey Marie, he's stuck around this long, he must think a lot of you. You are not a worthless person. That is a big lie from hell. What others think of you is not 1% as important as what you think of you, and you can get help with that. It's not so bad, there are an awful lot of non-judging helpful people who would love the opportunity to help you become who you want to be. There are many resources available, some are very inexpensive and some are even free. You are a valuable and loved person, and I'm rooting for you!

[(JD)]

((((tmarie)))) aw gee, please get help from a counselor. It's your depression etc that is making you feel this way, and making you blow what ppl would think of you out of proportion! Counselors know how to help, these feelings of anxiety and depression are normal for those disorders...

talking with someone, and if needed for a while, some meds can make all this bearable. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your boyfriend...before you lose someone who sounds like a good guy! Other ppl can only "take" so much, and their self defenses kick in...

Can't you stay somewhat anonymous on the website of the counselors? Ah, doesn't matter... where you are at isn't your fault, there's no blame here, you haven't done something wrong to be feeling this way: take control and go ask for help! There's a life out there for you to live, time's a wastin'

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[dexter]

tmarie there is a lot to comment on in your messages but i can wrap everything up simply by saying almost all of the things you are describing are because of depression. It is not that the depression brings you down, and then you feel all these other bad feelings and judgements... all those negative feelings are a direct result of the depression. Depression makes us only able to see negative things and to never let us even give benefit of the doubt to positive things.

The most important thing IMO would be to work on getting to a doctor and some therapy. Both are needed to fully treat depression, the two work together (although not everyone needs meds).

You say you are worried about what everyone else would think... but then you also say that you are upset with the way your are NOW and how that effects people. Plus you are upset yourself with how you feel because you know it can be better.

In the long run, you can resist treatment to "protect" the people around you, but go on feeling horrible, and effecting the people around you by how bad you feel... or you can seek treatment FOR THE BENEFIT YOURSELF. If you can feel better, don't you think the people around you will be happy that you are feeling better? They do care about you after all. And in the long run, it is likely that no one will care that you went to see a doctor for this. Those that do have their own hangups or ignorance or fears. That should not let YOU from seeking the help you need.

Good luch tmarie and keep posting here.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[tmarie]

as much as i don't want people to know, and am worried about what they would think, honestly, i think the real stopper is i'm just too afraid to actually go and initiate everything. i'm too scared to talk. trust me, i'd love it if i could feel how everyone else seems to feel, but the fear just keeps me away. it makes me nervous talking on her anonymously, let alone face to face with someone....i just keep telling myself just give it time....maybe it will get better once i'm done with school...if someone could go and talk for me...i'd be willing to sit there...but to do the talking myself...i don't realistically see that happening...

<font color=purple>"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I'll stop missing you." ~Anonymous</font color=purple>

[dexter]

you are not alone in that tmarie. it might be good to try to set a goal of getting past your fear so that you can get the benefit of treatment. maybe think of posting here as practice for talking with someone. maybe you can have someone you trust go with you to your first appointment to help ease the fear.

also remember that a good therapist understands that it is difficult for many people. they should be sensitive to that and work on establishing trust rather than just expecting you to pour everything out when you visit. it can take time to develop a trust but a good T will work with you on that. If they don't you should find a new T. Sometimes even the best T just won't have the right "style" that you feel comfortable with and you may have to try a few to find the one that is best for you. Don't let that discourage you, in this case you are like a consumer looking for the best help that fits your needs.

I doubt that any T will let you send someone in as "proxy" to speak with you. They may be willing to let you bring someone in with you for your first visit to help you feel more comfortable. Any real deep discussion will take place alone with you for the sake of your privacy.

If you feel you can't talk it may also help to write some of the things you are feeling down and take that with you. Maybe the T can read it or maybe you can read it too them as an alternative to just sitting there talking.

You can also see if group therapy might be appropriate for you. I really enjoyed group therapy, you bond with other people who share your problems and you don't feel as alone. While you still have to talk, you can follow the lead of others and don't have the pressure of being the only one there having to expressing your feelings.

If group therapy is not appropriate or not available you could look for a peer run support group in your area. There will be no professional counseling at these groups, just people sharing their experiences and helping one another (exactly what goes on here). If you can do that they may help you get over your fear of seeing a therapist also.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[Rapunzel]

I relate to being afraid to go and talk to a counselor about how you feel, since I felt the same way about initiating therapy and needed to be pushed in order to make that first contact. Maybe asking your boyfriend to go with you the first time is a good idea. Sometimes it takes someone holding your hand (literally or figuratively) and making sure that you follow through. Once you get past making and showing up for that first appointment it gets easier.

You know? Besides being scared, the other thing that I needed before I could go to the counseling center and ask for help was I needed permission. Someone had to tell me to do it. There's only so much we can do from here, but please consider yourself pushed and given permission to get help so you can get better. Depression is an illness that needs to be treated. It isn't likely to go away on its own. If you had signs of some other illness that is thought of as physical rather than mental, you wouldn't hesitate to get it treated, right? Why should this be different?

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>