A short message because I'm not feeling well. Am growing increasingly depressed. I'm not in a good state. I feel horrible, I seem to have this perpetual headache, and I'm freezing (it's a whole three degrees outside). To the people who I've been PMing with, I'm sorry - I know I haven't replied in a couple days. Hopefully you'll see this and know I'm not ignoring you. I just am not well, emotionally or physically.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm not having much luck with online shopping, first my boots were too small and now a sweater has some faulty stiching. The boot company don't refund postage The sweater company will email a free label for the postage if I phone them. Pretty trivial problems but I'm tired and I wanted to enjoy my new stuff, instead I have to wait for the replacements.

The fact that I want to get pleasure from things is, I suppose, a positive sign. Yeah, I'll go with that, I am able to contemplate pleasure, that is definitely a movement in the right direction.

[bronzeowl]

I am really struggling. I feel as though my life is going nowhere. It's painful watching everyone around you find jobs, find spouses, find hobbies. Move on with their lives. While you remain stagnant, unable to figure out how they do it. How they do what humans are 'supposed' to do. I am really, really struggling.

Most days, I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't sleep. It's hard to sleep (more on that in a bit), but I lie awake, not wanting to move from my bed. Because I feel it is pointless to get up when I have nothing to get up for. I have my dog, but she is just as content lying next to me all day. I have felt so close to tears, but I can't cry. I am just too numb to cry. I feel nonexistent. There is no other way to put it.

I am in so much pain lately, too. Back pain, headaches, digestive issues. So much pain that all I want to do is curl up and cry (but as I said, I can't even cry because depression has even taken my tears away). I used to think the worst part of depression was sporadic crying. I spent much of last summer, lying on my floor, not just crying but screaming because I was so depressed. I was wrong. I would give anything to have that back, because at least then I knew I was alive. Now, the only reminder that I'm alive is the back pain that won't go away, the stomach pain that comes and goes, the chest pain that wakes me at night, and the sun that shines through my window every morning - reminding me that other people are living, while I am not.

I wish I had some ups to report. I do not.

Today was a fairly busy day at work. I am still continuing on working out and doing pretty well with it. But I do feel the depression before doing the workout and during it. I think that I get some pains while working out because of the depression. I didn't have the pains when I didn't have depression. But I always feel so good when I've done it, and it's over with. I miss the days when I would ride my bike after work. The sun goes down too early for that now. But on the other hand I love the early sunsets.

Funny how I feel so great at night, but feel crappy with my depression during the day. What's really weird is that just before lunch, I have those "terrorizing" feelings. Like something terrible is going to happen. But after lunch, it goes away for a bit. A friend of mine that I had one time told me that he had the very same problem. Is there such a thing as "noontime terror"? That's what he called it.

[Rose76]

I came home to my own apartment and just relaxed all day. It felt good.

[angelene]

I bought some things over the last week or so to make myself feel better. Two "extravagant" purchases and an order from an online pharmacy. Is looking forward to receiving contact lens solution a minor win? That package is coming today but I also have an appointment with the pdoc which comes with a lot of anxiety.

It's Elvis's birthday today which reminds me of my late father. He was a huge Elvis fan. It's been nearly 10 years but I still miss my Dad.

[H-H-H-H]

Sunny days are a bonus.

Feeling very frazzled and tired. Spent all morning, first trying myself, then on the phone with Apple support, to update my iphone to current software. It finally updated but now I have to give password for our network and my husband and I don't know what it is. So . . . apparently if I go to a McDonald's or Starbuck's I can use their network. What a bunch of crap.

At least we're not going to my husband's holiday party tonight so I don't have to worry about sprucing myself up.

Just having a frazzled day.

as a plus, i didn't stay in bed all day today listening to cathy glass which i did yesterday.

but as a downside, feeling pretty blah

suppose because nothing special or exciting is going on- and it's same old same old

Headache again. I feel like I'm getting a cold. My nose was running a waterfall earlier. I'm very depressed and wondering what's the point in even checking in to say how I'm feeling, when it will not even change anything. It's -6 degrees outside (not windchill, actual temp) and there is wind because I hear the wind chimes on the porch. I'm so glad now that me & Mom hung plastic and blankets up over my bedroom window, though it's not the most attractive thing to look at every day. But still, this house is so old and drafty, even with blankets it's easy to get cold. I'm also having really strong desire to eat things, which is typical when I'm depressed - it's the reason I'm 300 pounds. I'm trying to suppress these cravings, because I don't want to gain anymore weight. I want to be able to go out in public when spring comes. I suppose it helps that there are no snacks in the house. I feel very hopeless, missing spring and summer when the weather was good and before all this other **** happened. It's funny, I think about the past, back then I felt that life was so awful, but now that I am where I am, I think of how good I had it then. It can always get worse. There's always room for things to get worse.

[tz90]

It was raining heavily today, but I still managed to get out of bed and attend classes and check in at work. For a brief moment I even felt alive. A familiar feeling that I recognize from many years ago, when I still had ambitions and life goals. It didn't last long until I realized that I hate my life and got sucked back into depression
Guess it's been an ok kind of day.

[tz90]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Headache again. I feel like I'm getting a cold. My nose was running a waterfall earlier. I'm very depressed and wondering what's the point in even checking in to say how I'm feeling, when it will not even change anything.

[bronzeowl]

Cold here today.

Which pretty much sums up how I feel today.

On the upside, school starts in just a few days. I'm dreading it, but at least it passes the time.

[TheOriginalMe]

I worked at home today, starting really early so I could take a long lunch and go to the Farmers' Market. The day was fine and blustery, but we had an enormous hail storm for 10 minutes while I was out. I sheltered under the canopy of one of the market stalls, a sudden gust of wind sent the water that had pooled on the awning cascading down my back, I had a short jacket on and my skirt got soaked through. Brrrrrrr but without the umbrella,

Later on I found two more jobs to apply for, but the closing dates are pretty soon, so I'll be all night at my laptop again. I don't know if I would want to do either job, but I have to keep trying.

I forgot my meds last night and my mood, energy and appetite have all let me know that no matter how little I think the meds help, they are doing some good, because without them I feel worse.

On the up side, my new boots are with the courier, so I hope to get them soon.

[Rose76]

Been tired, but enough lazing around. I've got to get the tree put away. Hate that task. No fun. But, if that's my worst complaint, then I'm doing alright.

[waterknob1234]

I'm tired. It was a trying day at work but at least I didn't have to deal with anyone being angry at me personally. The office manager called a meeting and once again we are all being given more work to do with less resources and time to get it done in. They say they cannot afford to hire anyone else to help. That's a flat out lie. I know my workplace makes money. We feel like slaves. The head nurse in our office feels like they are trying to get rid of her and maybe they are.

Usually when all this mess starts up at work I get upset and agitated. Now I am just tired. I am so tired I am numb to all the garbage.

My daughter's cat disappeared and she is upset because she cannot find him. It was very cold last night so I hope her cat was okay. Trouble and drama never seems to end.

[Turtlesoup]

Today was good-spent some quality time with my husband, talked to my daughter & had a productive meeting with my tdoc. My Depakote dose increases tonight so I hope I will sleep good & do well on the new dose.

Very nervous. Have my "interview" at the museum this morning for a volunteer position. I know I shouldn't be nervous but still am. What will she ask me (rhetorical question)? Other than that, going jogging with my dog Belle, AA meeting, maybe grocery store, the usual stuff.

Also, yesterday I was trying to figure out how to download a 5k training app to my iphone and learned it required first backing up my phone and doing a bunch of other stuff. I got WAY bent out of shape/frustrated trying to figure it out, spending an hour 1/2 on the phone with Apple support person, going to Starbucks to set up my phone once I had the software updated because I didn't know the password for the network we have here at home. It made me wonder, "How will I ever be able to handle the stress of a job if I get this worked up about getting an app on my iphone?" I am just a different person now (still in mild depression) than I was before - - even when it comes to every day "stress" of living my life. I really need to talk to my T about this.

In reading over yesterday's posts, I see that I already told you guys about my iphone app experience. Another example of how the ECT has affected my memory. Really hoping this isn't permanent.

can i just say,

that it makes me smile that when i'm about to check the depression forum someone's moved the daily check in thread up to the top to save me finding it.

hah.. grinning at my own post!

[angelene]

The pdoc appointment took forever yesterday (she was backed up due to emergencies and other crises) but when I finally went in there it was off Geodon and back on Saphris. She took one look at me and knew I wasn't doing well.
On the other hand, I've lost about 10 lbs — wish I could be really rah rah rah! about that but I'm craving Pepsi and coffee, the very items that were the source of those ten pounds. You'd think having lost weight would cheer me up but maybe there is no way to cheer me up...

Coming out of depression, but at times not. Dad seems to be making it through this flu, (has one and a third of a lung) but he hints that its not quite better. I know. I know it doesn't get all better. I asked about another blind horse that needs a home, he said "I can't handle that, and I don't know what is going to happen to me"., I said "sorry, but I was being selfish and looking for a riding horse for me"... ohh he said, too much worry for him. I wish things were different and I could get that car, any old car would do, so I could be out there helping him. The horses needed cleaner water, but I won't tell my dad what to do. He'd hate that. It is not as he says "a stupid hobby", it is what keeps him alive and kicking. I know he loves his hobby, but I'm also selfish and don't want to see it go. I don't want to see him go. It's become one of my favourite things to do the past few summers. Riding wouldn't likely be a good idea now with my problems, but heck, I'd ride fast and wouldn't give a crap right now... sorry, just upset with my health issues and venting. All seems a dream, and I feel like the good ones are ending. As much crap as there was in the past, I just want some good times now. It is stormy, cant get out... blah why do I live here again?

[Espresso]

Horrible horrible horrible day.

[Angelique67]

I'm in a low level depression that sometimes spikes to dangerous depths. The other night I had a sudden urge to die and I was thinking of what I could use and I felt desperate. It cleared up before I did anything obviously but the fact it can be so sudden is frightening. It's tied into the anxiety and the worse the anxiety is, the more chance the depression will go through the roof too. The only thing that's helping is a combination of benadryl and hydroxyzine for the anxiety but I don't have enough to get me through the next few months, I don't think. I'll just have to see how it goes and hope for things to get better. I'm scared.

[H-H-H-H]

[Rose76]

I've been lazy and just delaying getting started on things I have to do, like put away the Christmas tree. It's like I'm waiting to get some infusion of motivation and energy. That probably won't come until I make more of an effort. I'm not depressed even. I'm just content to do nothing. I have to remind myself that there is a price to pay for that eventually.