posting again to say that my pdoc won't let me go off the Effexor and onto a different antidepressant until I'm up on my lamictal dosage. I guess I'm stuck with the total annihilation of my sex drive/response for a while longer.

[Turtlesoup]

Slept well last night & have taken it easy so far today-slow & steady. Planning to get some things done around the house & do some reading. Had a good talk with my parents this morning-seems like all the stuff that happened back home has kind of shook something loose in all of us & we're talking in a positive way again that is much more real. If things continue along this way I'm hoping I can progress to letting them know the full extent of my issues & that I'm on medication again-will just have to see & do baby steps for now as I know from past experiences it can all turn around on me in a heartbeat. Haven't done anything artistic in a while as I have been so busy with caring for my husband. I had some ideas for some things yesterday so hopefully I can find time for that again soon.

[Rose76]

Still recovering from being sick. I'm mildly depressed. I've got to push myself to do a little something constructive.

And once again it is that time of day where I begin to fill with dread and my depression intensifies.

Don't know what the evening holds for me yet, but I can guess, and I'm not looking forward to it. At all.

In other news, I almost cried twice today. That number might still go up.

[TheOriginalMe]

I held the level of mood I had yesterday,that makes it three days in a row where I didn't feel worse than the day before. Maybe I've hit the bottom and finally done with the landing mood bounces?

Back to work today and it's a full week this time. Fairly busy at work today. It was a gloomy day as it rained. People's moods were gloomy. I worked out today. The lifting was easy but the mood to do it was not. I don't know what the problem is. I could have done better if I were in a better mood, I guess. Felt tired but glad that I worked out.

Having another morning where I just don't feel like doing anything, feeling more depressed. Not sure why this happens. It seems to go away as the day wears on though. Today I'm volunteering at the museum, going to an AA meeting and out to lunch with my husband. Need to tell him about my trust distribution decreasing by $150, so not looking forward to that.

Why can't I wake up enthusiastic about the day?

Editing to say it was something as simple as snuggling with my husband just now that has improved my mood. I'm envious of people that don't struggle with depression.

[IcryWhoAmI]

[Angelique67]

I'm having a harder time getting to sleep and waking up. Today I didn't get up until noon. That's not good. I have to get back on an early schedule.

I'm angry again. I try to love my parents, they are both very elderly. But my mom has never been a real mom to me. She can't usually trigger me much anymore, and I'm told the word trigger in therapy but another person told me it does no good. But it is true. She was "depressed", "anxious", etc., but she is so self centered I can't take much more. Sure she has health issues. She always talks about her dang hair (which I cut when she wants me to), but she just finished telling me dad was very sick again, shivering with blankets on, and she friggin laughed about it!! She never cared, she never hugged me, she was never there as a mother. I've done my best to keep my cool for years, because I know I only have so much time left with her. But this made me angry. He was sick 2 times in Dec., and when it gets this bad, the antibiotics don't work anymore. I'm not ready to lose my Dad. He was the only one there for me, when he didn't have to work so hard to keep food on the table. I feel angry. I know I shouldn't.
He is sick and has to go to one of his best friends funeral tonight with her. And she goes on about hair and everything else. Ok, my vent for the day.
I had my mental health worker over and she thought I'm doing better. They all say that when you try another medication. I'm not much better. I have to do something but there isn't any work and my son is a big devotion, since he struggles so much. Talked to the vice principal and at least as long as I keep pushing them to get him through they should take him more seriously, not just another number. At the school meeting they threatened to kick him out in a few years. I'm angry about alot that should have been different.

[Turtlesoup]

Mood wise I feel ok-just tired. I'm going to amp up my exercise routine which has really went by the wayside with the holidays & my husband's surgery recovery. I have to be careful not to flare my pain up though which is frustrating-found a new poet this morning I really like & ordered one of her books from UCSF-her name is Amy Beeder & it's pretty cool stuff I thought. Good day & hugs to all here at PC

[angelene]

"Queen Kitty" had to be put to sleep yesterday. My sister is destroyed. I'm not going to be okay for the foreseeable future.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by angelene

"Queen Kitty" had to be put to sleep yesterday. My sister is destroyed. I'm not going to be okay for the foreseeable future.

I'm so sorry, (((((angelene))))). I know how hard that is. Lots of hugs.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I'm angry again. I try to love my parents, they are both very elderly. But my mom has never been a real mom to me. She can't usually trigger me much anymore, and I'm told the word trigger in therapy but another person told me it does no good. But it is true. She was "depressed", "anxious", etc., but she is so self centered I can't take much more. Sure she has health issues. She always talks about her dang hair (which I cut when she wants me to), but she just finished telling me dad was very sick again, shivering with blankets on, and she friggin laughed about it!! She never cared, she never hugged me, she was never there as a mother. I've done my best to keep my cool for years, because I know I only have so much time left with her. But this made me angry. He was sick 2 times in Dec., and when it gets this bad, the antibiotics don't work anymore. I'm not ready to lose my Dad. He was the only one there for me, when he didn't have to work so hard to keep food on the table. I feel angry. I know I shouldn't.
He is sick and has to go to one of his best friends funeral tonight with her. And she goes on about hair and everything else. Ok, my vent for the day.
I had my mental health worker over and she thought I'm doing better. They all say that when you try another medication. I'm not much better. I have to do something but there isn't any work and my son is a big devotion, since he struggles so much. Talked to the vice principal and at least as long as I keep pushing them to get him through they should take him more seriously, not just another number. At the school meeting they threatened to kick him out in a few years. I'm angry about alot that should have been different.

My mom is so similar. I'm really sorry. Lots of hugs.

Thanks Angelique67, I wish cyber hugs were real. But I appreciate anyone who listens and understands. I'm not in a huggy mood. I keep up with everyone here, but sometimes I don't know how many more cyber hugs I want myself. I'd like a real one, I'm sure you do to with being alone. I hope the storm passes and you are safe. I hope my dad is ok tonight with going out. He smoked for much of his life. I never blame him for that. I smoke myself still, until there's less stress.
He was blessed. He had a grapefruit sized tumor back in 88, and survived without chemo or anything else. It was so shocking to see, the scar was so wide, across the back under his shoulder blade, they broke ribs... the tube draining.. his pain.. I should have known better myself to stop smoking. I guess I always loved the smell of smoke because he was the more peaceful of my parents. I can still remember him carrying me up our long laneway, with snow up to his knees, after church.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

Thanks Angelique67, I wish cyber hugs were real. But I appreciate anyone who listens and understands. I'm not in a huggy mood. I keep up with everyone here, but sometimes I don't know how many more cyber hugs I want myself. I'd like a real one, I'm sure you do to with being alone. I hope the storm passes and you are safe. I hope my dad is ok tonight with going out. He smoked for much of his life. I never blame him for that. I smoke myself still, until there's less stress.
He was blessed. He had a grapefruit sized tumor back in 88, and survived without chemo or anything else. It was so shocking to see, the scar was so wide, across the back under his shoulder blade, they broke ribs... the tube draining.. his pain.. I should have known better myself to stop smoking. I guess I always loved the smell of smoke because he was the more peaceful of my parents. I can still remember him carrying me up our long laneway, with snow up to his knees, after church.

I'm so glad you have happy memories of your father. I hope he will get well soon.

[Rose76]

Still not feeling too good. Still coughing. I have mild depression. Also, I'm having anxiety. I have this vague feeling of nausea that I think is mostly anxiety. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't alive.

[IcryWhoAmI]

Having very bad thoughts

[Nammu]

oK, doing too much, too fast as usual.My back has been killing me, skipped the cardio workout and went to the seated workout and it still caused spasms and lighting bolts of pain. I know, my goal was twice a week and instead I've been there everyday, I just want to lose the weight and get stronger, right NOW! I'm the same way about the BP, I just want to be better, right now, I have no patience and it usually backfires on me. You'd think at my age I would have learned by now.

[TheOriginalMe]

A bit of a battle between my three days of stability and a lowering of my mood today. I just felt more blerrrgh and sad but I didn't feel worse, as though I was feeling the low mood more intensely without being more depressed.

I talked to my new boss today and she is a lovely person, kind, warm and non-judgemental. I wish the job were permanent, but despite my making representations to my old boss there is no changing that decision.

As I'm not a particularly nice person I do get some satisfaction in knowing my old boss effectively cut off his nose to spite his face in the way he got rid of me. He can't appoint anyone else to do the duties I was doing, as that would prove that my role is still needed and I could claim unfair dismissal and at the same time he is really struggling to get the work done, again that proves my role is still needed. He was so stuck he asked me to help him out. I agreed, even though I was tempted not to, partly because I need references and also because in helping out I get a bit of power over him and I want to make him squirm. Like I said, I'm not a particularly nice person, I wish I could be a bit more magnanimous, but I'm hurting from the way I was treated and as long as I don't abuse the power am I actually doing anything wrong?

[Bimmer01]

Feeling slightly better today after getting yelled at by my boss yesterday and being forced to work 14 hours.

It's so hard to go from having good bosses and never being in trouble to having a stern, cruel boss.

[waterknob1234]

Originally Posted by Bimmer01

Feeling slightly better today after getting yelled at by my boss yesterday and being forced to work 14 hours.

It's so hard to go from having good bosses and never being in trouble to having a stern, cruel boss.

I completely understand how you feel. I would almost want to ask if you are working in my office because the story sounds so familiar, like mine.

[waterknob1234]

A very hard, stressful, tiring day at work. I think the bosses think we are robots that can do seven things at once. I have been having migraines again, but today I think I am just having a stress headache. I feel like the depression is not as bad but mostly I am getting where I just don't care anymore.

[Bimmer01]

Well, I keep telling myself that this job is temporary. The only problem is I don't know when I can get out and feel like a person again.

Feeling kinda more depressed again this morning. I guess it's partly because I just don't have much to look forward to in a day that's enjoyable. Today I'm volunteering at an administrative office of AA, which is always boring and dead. Then I have a T appointment. Then it's home to vegetate.

I know it's within my power to change this, but the depression keeps me in a rut. I just want a job I enjoy, but it's taking forever to make that happen. This getting in shape for the relay race in April is extremely slow going because of the fibromyalgia. At least I get to have a horse riding lesson on Friday. That's something to look forward to.