[Clara22]

Originally Posted by angelene

Appointment with the pdoc tomorrow afternoon. I'm not feeling better than I was last time and, ridiculously, feel like I'm going to disappoint her.

In any case, you should be disappointed about her. You are the client. :-)

[Teacup381]

I feel so empty inside today. I'm always exhausted and I keep having nightmares. I haven't slept through the night in a long time. I keep having headaches and I just feel completely worthless.

[tigerlily84]

I had a weird day, mood-wise. I woke up with the worst headache. I know it sounds melodramatic, but it felt like sword going through my head. Sorry for the imagery, but it was just terrible. I took ibuprofen and made sure to eat before heading off to work. The headache kept going away and coming back. When it went away my mood went up, understandably. And my department received several complaints from other coworkers regarding things that have been done incorrectly. It was disheartening, and it was like one after another. (My department has 7 people, and 6 of us have been at the company for 3 months or less; I am one of the 6.)

Normally something like that wouldn't get me down, but I just felt worse and worse as the day went on. I felt distracted and had a hard time focusing on my work. By the time work was over I felt like I had accomplished nothing... which was not true, I did a lot today. I felt so empty. All I could do was sit in the parking lot and try not to cry. I feel better now that I'm home. I even picked up a movie on redbox so I feel like I'll be okay. Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to attribute my weird moods today to the headache.. which is coming back now, great. Blah.

[gracebuttercup]

hi I joined a while ago. But have not felt a need to be here much. Until now. I am tired of having to hide half of who I am. If people know even a little bit about the depressed feaarful half they run. The only way I can be valued is if I pretend to be this light filled wise person ALL the time. I can pull it off. But it really is a sham. As soon as I even reveal a tiny part of the other side of myself, people want nothing to do with me. So I have to come to places like this to be honest. I am tired of the 2 options of either hiding who I am or being only the impressive half of myself. Thanks for reading.

[gracebuttercup]

Originally Posted by angelene

Appointment with the pdoc tomorrow afternoon. I'm not feeling better than I was last time and, ridiculously, feel like I'm going to disappoint her.

I understand that feeling. I hope you can talk to her about it. It may be how you build trust

[herethennow]

sometimes i catch myself asking, "was the decision to seek help right? for me? and especially.. the people around me?" all i keep getting now is that i should stop seeing the pdoc..

im tired.
this autopilot keeps on going and going and i just want to give up.

[Bark]

I'm tired too, herethennow.

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Still not where I was a week ago but I slept better last night and today I'm not swinging so much from tears to irritantatableness. Woke up late but got myself off to the later cardio workout and walked on the threadmill.

Because I feel raw and exposed I thought I'd ask people here if it's ok I post on the daily depression thread instead of the bipolar thread? When I first started here at PC I was still in denial about being BP, I was ok with the PSTD but I'd told everyone I had MDD not BP.

Goof for your for doing the cardio workout. I find that really helps my depression. Speaking of which, I am in a bipolar depression right now so I post on the bipolar and depression forums but moreso in the depression forum. I think it is ok to post in both.

Today I had a early morning of not wanting to get out of bed and start my day again. Not sure why other than maybe it's because the two possible paralegal jobs I thought I had a chance at are dead ends, and I had been really excited about the possibilities. They game me a glimmer of hope. I just someone need to remain positive and patient.

My T had to cancel yesterday due to illness apparently. I really could have used the session. Right now I guess I'm doing okay. Am going to volunteer at the museum and have lunch with my husband, so at least I get to get out of the house and be engaged in something.

[boomerango]

I was surprised to experience a sort of PTSD event last night. My partner got frustrated and angry. He suddenly jumped up, slammed about and fixed the bothering/offending machine. I froze in fear. I felt responsible because I had mentioned it. In the dark, the tears fell. They were the tears of my historic child self, terrified in the face of her mother's rage. At least I recognized that. My partner was immediately apologetic, which helped. Wow. Now today, I feel fragile and more depressed.

[magical loser]

i just cannot cope with my pathetic exuse of a life, i feel like im going to explode. i cant cope with all the problems thats thrown at me, im in no mental state to do it but nobody gives a toss and nobody will help me. i have to go through EVERYTHING along + im just nope capable of it. i dunno what is the point of my existance all i do is struggle with 1 thing after another, sometimes more than 1 at a time, there really is no point. i wish i could go to sleep and just never wake up. there is no point. i cant do this...

[Turtlesoup]

I see my tdoc today thank goodness-wish I could have a double session. My mood was so crazy yesterday & I was so incredibly irritable like don't you even dare look my way irritable-I hate that. Slept like crap again & feel very down this morning-just want to lay in the recliner in my robe & be left alone til my appointment time (chances of that though are nonexistent) Hope this gets better soon-will try to push myself to go for a walk today. Hugs to all here who are struggling & thanks to those with encouraging words.

[healingme4me]

Since, the day before yesterday, been deeply reflective about my own depression, past, present, future. Something happened here, which raised the alarm bell for a watch for a younger person. Comments were one, not so politically correct, yet valid from a stance that made me recognize what may have been evident about myself, upon arriving here, in my teens. I didn't then, nor did I, ever voice my thoughts to others. A silent type I was. Disclaim: not sure talking about it here in support qualifies as 'expressing' in life outside support.
So of course, their opinion wasn't validated, by the time my approval went through topic dropped down. Didn't add to it.
Had me thinking about a lot...

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[Bark]

Stayed in bed and skipped class. Was feeling really rough. I managed to self-soothe a bit, and I ended up going to a class. Talking to my counsellor before was a help. Spent time with others, laughed... but no, the depression is still there, I feel it when I'm alone most of all. It's milder, I guess.

Tired. Getting further behind on readings and I've missed an assignment. I know forcing myself won't help any... feel lazy... but others aren't being tortured by their minds. Or maybe studying offers them a reprieve. I'm one of those people whose memory, concentration, and attention all get impaired by depression. Kinda hard to study then.

[TheOriginalMe]

A strange day of downs, then ups, then downs, then pumped up.

Down number 1. I did some work that needed approval from my old boss. He insisted on my filling in a load of unnecessary paperwork to accompany it. I knew he was petty but I didn't think he was quite that retentive.

Down number 2. I had to request some data from my old boss, the request was on behalf of a third party. Anticipating his retentive need for form filling, I completed the paperwork to accompany the request. I was simply trying to help and make things run smoother for him and more importantly the third party who is quite a senior person and shouldn't be wasting time on filling in forms for a petty little bureaucrat. My old boss then fired off a response to my new boss telling her I must not under any circumstance do any work for the third party or share any information with them. WTF I was only trying to help, I had no intention of doing the work.

Up number 1: My new boss emailed me to ask if I was alright, and to reassure me that I hadn't done anything wrong and that old boss was being unreasonable.

Up number 2: New boss copied me in to her reply to old boss, it was scathing.

Down number 3: Therapy was really upsetting

Up number 3: I saw my psych nurse straight after therapy and she made me laugh and she worked really hard on soothing me and working on my self esteem and for once I started to believe her.

Pumped up: All the changes of mood have left me with racing thoughts and I'm finding it hard to settle down.

I don't often write about ups, they are very hard to recognise when depressed. I do now have a bit more belief that old boss is a piece of work and I don't owe him any loyalty.

In between all of this I did send an email to HR about my job asking for more time on the decision I have to make, not quite the grand meeting I was planning but the second step in the right direction.

Second day in a row again of waking up and just not feeling motivated about the day. However, as per usual, when I forced myself to exercise (jog/walking), my mood improved. I actually feel good now. It may only last a few hours, but I'll take it.

Nothing much planned for the day other than getting hair cut and colored, AA meeting, then lunch with a friend. It all beats sitting at home feeling lonely and unproductive.

[herethennow]

got an up.

but why is it that i am not feeling it... depression just looks at you constantly huh.

[OwlReally]

First time doing this--quick backstory: I work as a freelancer for a couple of big comic book/media companies, and last year I thought I had a big-deal prestigious gig locked in. I found out last month that the editor had passed me up for someone else and didn't bother to tell me for months (****.) That was really demoralizing--I could have used the money and the visibility both for my career path. Then today I found out a friend of mine who freelances for the same company had gotten the job.

I was really happy for her but all the old anger, frustration and feelings of worthlessness welled up. I made myself take an hour to cool down before I wrote her an email congratulating her. It's not her fault the editor is a jackass. I really am excited she got the job. Anyway, I felt much better, less depressed about my job in general after I did. I'm very impulsive and I was proud I made myself wait out the initial tidal wave of negativity that happened when the company email announcing the project with her name went around.

Now I hope I can focus and work on the project I AM assigned to for the rest of the day.

Feeling very sick today, which is not helping my depression.

My week off is about over. So far today, I have not done much. Yesterday my friend and I went to the Zoo. It was alright, but a bit of a disappointment. At least I got in for free. My friend and I had spent four days together this week. It was nice but at the end I got tired of him. On Wednesday we had a disagreement, but we made up.

Today seems like a "me" day. I'm just alone doing my own thing. I have mixed feelings about it. I feel lonely, but relaxed. My health anxiety is ruining the good part for me. My friend has his daughter come to visit him today. Today is his birthday.

Also today I thought to call the Pastor at my church to get together and talk to him. He didn't have time for me. He would have wanted to take me in if he had time. I was disappointed that I couldn't see him. I've had counseling with him before and he was great. In all fairness, it was a very short notice that I called him.

[Turtlesoup]

Feeling down & tired today but my racing thoughts have slowed as well. It feels like depression is very close like reach out & touch it close but kinda feel idk like I can control whether I go there or not. I'm such an over-doer & put on a happy face so it's hard for me to say I can't go do this or that cause I just need down time but I did that this morning which I think is positive. Change is hard even when I'm motivated but I do want to break out of these life long patterns. I fear disappointing others so much it's ridiculous but I guess this is a process like everything else.

Just posting again to say I got a rejection letter today from the law firm I interviewed at. Once again, someone else got hired. When is it my turn? Just feeling a little demoralized, discouraged and, well, rejected! I really want a job very badly.

[magical loser]

i never thought i would say/think this but i actually cant wait till my doc appoinment on tuesday and i really hope they give me some meds and that they make some difference. this just shows how desperate i am now

[color14u]

I didn't have the energy to do anything today. I did manage to shower a little bit ago. I'm not sure it "made me feel better" as I was told it would. I am hoping the new medication dosage helps

[maryam12]

Sometimes it gets too much to handle