[herethennow]

actively planning things out..

i screwed up at work today and made the in charge stressed out and inside of me is screaming it's your fault, you are to be blamed and...

i'm not cut out for life in general, really.

Woke up this morning feeling a little more depressed, tired and wanting a break - - from what I don't know. Forced myself to go jog/walking and take a shower and feel a little more human.

I'm bummed out because I managed to spend so much money that I don't have enough in my checking account to pay my cell phone bill and will have to ask my husband for the money. I just hate this not having a job and not being able to contribute as much financially to the marriage effort.

Today I go volunteering at the museum, AA meeting and grocery shopping. the usual fun stuff (rolls eyes)

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I am so tired today, I ache from exhaustion yet I haven't done anything overly strenuous. Just the normal daily routine of commute, work, commute. I know I'm projecting some of my low mood into physical aches, it doesn't help knowing that, the pain whether physical or emotional is just as bad.

It happened to me last year. I thought my depression was causing aches but I had an illness. I am not sure about you but maybe you should keep an on it

[JustTvTroping]

These feelings make it hurt to breathe. This surprisingly hasn't occurred for a while, but when it does packs quite a punch.

[angelene]

Queen Kitty's death prompted my mother to worry about our King Kitty. She thinks he's lost weight whereas I don't see anything wrong. He appears the same to me and isn't acting any differently but I understand her paranoia. So we're taking him to the vet today. Even though I don't think he's sick I'm worried. What if he is sick and I just don't see it? At least we'll be sure he's up-to-date on shots...

Meanwhile, going to the vet is forcing me into the shower, which is obviously a good thing.

[magical loser]

i've never been a jelous person, i've never been jelous of "things" other peope have. if i really want something i go get it even if that means saving up for a while but now i find myself feeling jelous of people who arent depressed... they can do whatever they want with there lives and be happy, but i cant even get out of bed

Originally Posted by magical loser

i've never been a jelous person, i've never been jelous of "things" other peope have. if i really want something i go get it even if that means saving up for a while but now i find myself feeling jelous of people who arent depressed... they can do whatever they want with there lives and be happy, but i cant even get out of bed

magical loser, I am very jealous of people who aren't depressed too. I think they can't help but take their good mental health for granted.

[TheOriginalMe]

My shins hurt so much I think I'll take some anti-imflammatories, at least that way I'll get some rest tonight.

I had three different psych appts back to back today. Psych nurse first, then T, then Employment Support Officer.

I like my nurse a lot, she is vague and rambles, but she makes me feel like I am important, and even though she rambles she has an uncanny ability to get to the important stuff.

My T has a wide range of sympathetic facial expressions, I can't tell if she really feels how much I'm hurting or if it is part of her professional repetoire. Sometimes she looks so shocked that I start to feel guilty because I don't find my life shocking and my expectation is that **** happens.

The Employment Worker wasn't much help tbh. I'd had a little fantasy that she would have all the answers, she had none and I'm still on my own with all my work problems.

After all those appts, I went to the beautician to get my eyebrows done. That at least meant I took a shower this morning. I don't get how that works, I am taking minimal care of my appearance, except for my eyebrows!

[color14u]

The medical world is letting me work two hours a day. People don't understand that it doesn't mean two hours just for them. Each and every one of them expects two hours out of me. I am stressing. I'm afraid to tell anyone cause they may not let me work at all. The walls are closing in on me already. I ended up working 6 hours today with a workload of at least 4 hours tomorrow. I have physical therapy tomorrow and I'm still hurting from Wednesday. I'm over the pain and the stress.

[angelene]

Actually showered. Unfortunately the drain is stopped up again. I kept making "mistakes" like using the conditioner first. I also kept dropping the shampoo and conditioner bottles which broke the dispensers... It's been so long since I've showered, folks, that I was doing it wrong!

King Kitty is in fantastic shape. He needed a rabies shot but other than that everything is fine.
So far today hasn't been too bad, just physically taxing with a shot of fibro fog.

[Nammu]

Had my Pdoc appointment today. He upped the latuda but not the lamital, I had it backwards...but then I'm not a doctor! Ok day, beautiful day outside though, around 65 with sun.

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by angelene

King Kitty is in fantastic shape. He needed a rabies shot but other than that everything is fine.

Glad to hear he is fine

Good day today positive session with my tdoc. I realized I have felt good all week WOW!! Slept better last night still getting adjusted to med change. Working on being really mindful & present (sometimes it actually works). Hope everyone here is doing well & guess what? We made it through another day.

[dandylin]

Husband was flown via helicopter back to the cardiac hospital. he has had a small stroke and was hypoxic. The future is so uncertain. I am barely hanging on

[maddnessreturns]

I'm so pathetic. I'm like bawling at 10pm because I keep Fighting my anxiety and try to make friends and all of them have blown me off for hanging out dinner or something of that nature. What is so wrong with me?? I don't understand. It doesn't help I moved to an entire new town. Can't get a job right now because I have to focus on recovery. But I just want some friends.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by dandylin

Husband was flown via helicopter back to the cardiac hospital. he has had a small stroke and was hypoxic. The future is so uncertain. I am barely hanging on

[Rose76]

I got a lot done today. Using my time constructively seems to be the best thing for avoiding feeling depressed. I'm doing good and hope this lasts for awhile.

[Bark]

Last night I felt the thoughts coming strongly, so I slept. Made for some really bad dreams. Now I feel... blah. Don't tell me I only get a few days relief from depression... I want a break... so many stressors now that I can't afford to be depressed....

Better do the dishes... but meh... maybe I'll have cereal with a fork... I've done worse... the dishes can wait... I have lots else to do today....

Trying to stay positive

[seeminglyreal]

I feel empty but overflowing.

[herethennow]

can i just skip pdoc's appt and pretend i am fine and jolly and happy

screwed up at work again today.
i hate myself.

Today I don't feel like doing anything at all. Depression is bad. I even have a horseback riding lesson scheduled for this afternoon but don't really feel like going to that. Just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. Hate feeling this way. I will go, though, because I know it would be good for me and I get so sick of hanging around the house.

Tired of the same old routine but don't know how to change it. Just one of those days I guess . . .

[tigersassy]

My depression has been at rest for several a while now. I'm to the point where I'm saying the meds are working. Really want off the seroquel, but don't fix it if it ain't broken. I still have moments of crushing sadness, but they aren't detrimental and I can normally pull my way out. I'm good. I'm going to pull away from my mental health care team I think. I need to have a healthy distance. No matter what my reasons are right?

[Angelique67]

I'm depressed but my anxiety is even worse. It keeps me from trying to do anything which in turn feeds the depression. There's something I have to set up here, a gift, and it's a big source of stress at the moment.

I haven't slept well so had to undo the hard work of taking less meds and took some this afternoon and had a nap. I realize these meds are not helping the depressed feeling at all. I've been cutting down on the quetiapine and diazepam, as my kidneys seem to be overloaded with meds (puffy cheeks, high blood pressure, etc.)

This is silly, but the weather has me down, I need groceries but I'm feeling sick and don't want to walk out there, it is the coldest spell we've had so far. So, knowing that task is inevitable, and also the man I hoped was there for me, isn't, has got me feeling not so hot.

My son is also being very difficult, and with lack of things to do with family day coming up, my dad being too ill to drive around here and having no way to get out this weekend, other than walking in extreme cold, I'm not too happy with life at the moment.

Sorry I'm not huggy to people, but I do listen. I think sometimes I wish I could make all of your hurting disappear, I really do. I've been so down in that hole that I gave up, but I'm NOT going there again. No matter what, my two sons mean more than that. My older boy is doing ok, and he does have faith in me, so that helped to get a call from him a few days ago. I do think I did something right when I had him, he's tough, doing well, so that gives me hope.

Funny how much control the people closest to us seem to have in our lives. But I realize the only one responsible for my own feelings is me. That's a hard pill to swallow, but no one else can change my life. They influence it, if I let them, but it is up to me to do the work. I have to step up to the plate now.

I want my career back, I want my son to get a better education despite his disabilities, I want to be healthier... I want to stop obsessing over what just isn't going to happen in my life. Accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... just came to mind. This moment in time I'm not feeling good at all, I feel like I'm regressing to old patterns, and it isn't good after the better part of a year spent in therapy.

[TheOriginalMe]

I don't know where I am today, I feel very lost. I should be content that I made an effort and met one or two nice people, instead I feel useless, hopeless and worthless. Sorry, I'm not good company now.