[Nammu]

Been using the TENs unit on my back almost constantly, gave in and called for a dr appointment for the pain. Not sure what he can do but I'm hoping for a referral to a yoga pain center as I don't want to go back on meds for pain. Maybe there is some non narcotic meds that could help but I think it needs to be PT or something physical. I'm really hoping there is no nerve involvement. Mentaly I'm stable but the idea of having to deal with severe back pain is enough to make my think of alternatives to living.

[Turtlesoup]

Got a lot done today & I'm tired-feel ok right now. Didn't sleep well last night so think tonight will definitely be an ambien night. Have flared my pain up pretty bad the last couple of days which sucks but things have to get done (eventually) Plan to take it easy tomorrow & this weekend. Hugs to all here

[tree7car]

I feel horrible.

Today was the first day in weeks that I was able to stay at work almost the whole day. I broke down crying once, wore headphones most of the time, and could barely concentrate enough to get anything completed. It was a victory that feels like a failure.

Then I went out to dinner with my friend (she kinda forced me) and broke several days of fasting. Now I feel physically ill and am plagued with negative thoughts.

All I can think of is SI, but I'm trying so hard not to do anything.

Still feeling okay, although I've gained weight recently and feel overweight. I can't stop eating junk food that's high in calories and that's not normally like me. Hopefully this overeating is just a phase that will pass soon.

[eggplantlife]

Lots of down yesterday that i self talked out of...at work. I kind of had to speak out softly to myself to get it out of me. My ex have to stop renting out space in my head!

[jgmk55]

My grandson was admitted into the hospital yesterday. He said he was going to take his life. We are meeting with the treatment team this morning.

[Chummy]

Tonight my brother is coming home from his trip. I wish he would just stay away. I don't want to see him. I don't want to live in the same house as him. I can't handle that.

I hate myself so much. I don't know what to do.

[breakmystride]

I've been in a depressed rut for weeks, but yesterday the anxiety decided to get bad too. I've got this awful feeling of panic and dread hanging over me (90% because of stressful triggers going on in my life right now).

I was hoping to be back in work today so at least I could keep busy, but no such luck. The roads are still too icy.

[magical loser]

so someone from the work program rang me today like they said they would and the whole thing doesnt sound quite so bad. its only 4 weeks and i think i can bluff my way through that. i hope. it will be in a charity shop but seems like ill be shoved in the warehouse taking clothes out of bags. just like my last "work experience" in a shop. but still i think i can manage that, thats the main thing

the woman i talked to sounded nice and seemed to know what she was talking about (unlike most other people i've dealt with on work program etc). hopefully i can get through this w/o them finding out about my problems. it will be hard but 4 weeks i should be able to manage

if i have to do the 6 month thing after this tho, i know i will have problems

[Rose76]

I'm still free of depression. It's a good feeling. At my sig. others today, helping him get stuff done.

[VxVx]

awful day

I'm in a lot of emotional pain today. The loneliness is what hurts the most. At the risk of sounding 'whiny', I feel completely alone. I have no friends. I am not close with anyone in my family anymore. I live with my parents, but I'm even isolated from them, not like they want a closer relationship with me anyway - they're perfectly glad to keep interactions at shallow surface-level.

All day, every day, I stay in my room with my cat. I have to be on the internet all the time to have even some semblance of connection with the outside world. I hate being so dependent on technology. But if I even shut the laptop down I start to feel more and more alone. It's even physically painful. To give perspective, it feels like being the only person floating on a cold, dead star through space.

I feel like I'll never belong, I'll never find my 'kind'. I don't go out of the house because there's nowhere to go. No places where I could meet anyone 'weird' like me. I know what most people my age are like in this town, and it'll take a miracle to find one that won't automatically write me off as a fat, ugly loser, which is what I'm known for being. It's just so painful... I can't even describe the level of pain. On a scale of 1-10 it is at least a 12.

Possible trigger:

Sometimes it hurts to the point where suicide is a big presence in my thoughts. If there's an afterlife, that's where I'd belong - not here. If there's a 'home' for me at all, that's where it would be.

All humans need to feel loved, or at least accepted. We need a sense of belonging. So why is it that some people just belong without hardly trying, while others are made too 'weird' or 'different' to relate with anyone on a deeper level? All I want is that deeper connection. A close, affectionate relationship - romantic or not. If I had that kind of connection with just one person IRL, I wouldn't have this ever-aching hole in my chest...

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

All humans need to feel loved, or at least accepted. We need a sense of belonging. So why is it that some people just belong without hardly trying, while others are made too 'weird' or 'different' to relate with anyone on a deeper level? All I want is that deeper connection. A close, affectionate relationship - romantic or not. If I had that kind of connection with just one person IRL, I wouldn't have this ever-aching hole in my chest...

I can't answer your question, I have felt like that for far too many years myself. If there is any way at all for you to see a therapist, please try to see one. I wish I had got better treatment when I was younger.

You are accepted here and no-one thinks you are weird. I know there are many of us whose hearts ache because we can only reach out to you in the virtual world and we know you need so much more.

[TheOriginalMe]

A mild, balmy day. I had a physio appt this morning, it has helped loosen my neck at bit more, but it is still very sore. I spent a bit of time outside. We have about 12 hours of daylight now, I think that is helping me a bit, winter days are far too short here.

[Turtlesoup]

More cleaning today-how long can this last?? Everything looks nice though. Took my ambien last night & had a weird dream where I was standing in front a bunch of my cousins & they couldn't here what I was saying so I said it louder & woke my self up talking loud-never had that before. I finally got brave enough to call my Mom to see if they are really going to visit us in May-would be the first time in 8 years (we visit them, they are in good health & money is not a problem) but no not gonna happen-I didn't think it would & it freaks me out anyway but it does add to my burden of wow these people just do not care that much about me-same goes for my daughter. Guess I will never understand them but at least I don't have to worry about pleasing them (which is utterly impossible) or having them hate where we live & our lifestyle (both of which are awesome but they just don't get us) sigh-when you're an only child & this is the way it has always been you do get used to it but still...sucks-I don't like that they treat my daughter exactly the same & she is such an awesome amazing young woman & they're missing it-will give me something else #&#!@%* up about my family to tell my tdoc next week. Big hugs to everyone here-sometimes we have to be each other's family

[color14u]

I keep checking in a couple of times a day to give hugs a say thanks. I'm just not sure what to even say. The days all just run by to form this bizarre cascade of my life. It is nice to know you guys are all there if I ever figure out what to say.

[chattygirl29]

Not good today. I still haven't taken care of the tasks that I've been putting off for weeks now. I know I'm walking a fine line and its as though I'm wanting my world to come crashing down around me...like I only seem to know how to function as a human being if I'm in the midst of chaos, and self-inflicted chaos at that. So frustrated with myself right now and yet terrified and filled with anxiety at the same time.

I did have my 1st counseling app't this past week. I've also reached out to a good friend and essentially had a break-down in front of her; bless her heart, she was very supportive. I did feel some relief in expressing to someone else how lost I'm feeling right now. I wish I could open up more, but it was a start.

Doing so-so today. It has warmed up around here so just enjoyed the weather by taking the dogs for a walk with my husband. Not sure what else is going on. Just frustrated that I've sent out tons of resumes but am not getting any calls for interviews! Am wondering if my resume sucks or what . . .

[Chummy]

I got so angry this afternoon. And there wasn't really anything to do with it. Even if he would apologize, I would still have these feelings. I'll still feel sad, worthless, angry...
I hope the EMDR that I'll start next week will help me with these things that happened in the past.

[einsam]

I like me. I just feel that others don't like me and that must be why I'm alone and passed over, and it makes me wonder if I'm right to like me.

[TheOriginalMe]

Took advantage of the weather again, very mild and spring like. I was out for nearly three hours just walking with my dog. Although I am a long way from feeling happy, I did forget all the bad stuff for a while and just stayed in the present.

Today has been a very warm day. Funny how the weather changes, as last week it was cloudy, rainy and cold. I really preferred the cloudy and rainy. But that does not happen here very often. Right now there's a party going on at a house next door. It's pretty noisy and disturbing. I really hate hot weather. It seems like when temps. go up, IQs go down.

Nothing much socially today. My only friend wanted me to come over this morning, but I declined to go because I had cleaning and shopping to do. He had something going on in the afternoon. There are times I feel resentful that I have to go to his place and he can't come to my place, in which I would prefer him to do. I don't like going to his place, even though I like being with him. So I felt guilty that I didn't go and see him.

Nothing lined up for me to do tonight. I wish there would be. One good thing that happened today was that I heard from someone that I have not heard from in a while. I was worried about that person.

[Espresso]

Something's got to give. I can't do this anymore.

[Turtlesoup]

Slept like crap last night & when I did sleep I kept having nightmares-hate that. Today was good though but I'm wearing down-low key evening tonight, watch a few movies & hopefully sleep well tonight.

My cold is still hanging on, going out for breakfast with my husband in a little bit, other than that absolutely nothing planned for the day. Hopefully it won't be too boring.