Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

I slept in longer than I expected to today so my trip to the post office,bank and supermarket is starting a lot later than I had planned for it to.I am not as anxious as I thought I would be either and I am about to go out.I will update here on this thread when I get back.What I am not looking forward to is lugging the heavy shopping bags into the taxi and out the other end and into the house when I get home,that part always makes me anxious!It is weird I still have these uncomfortable feelings around doing the shopping when I have been doing it on my own for the most part of 12 years!There is heavy rain out today too!Marylinx

Beautiful day, uneasy but I know why...time for coffee & bird watchin

Good god, I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

It's perfectly normal to feel shocked and numb following a death, worse, i imagine, when you're already depressed. Surely you can simply, politely explain to your boss what happened and how you need to be involved in the funeral?

I can feel myself starting to sink deeper already today. This is the cycle I was hoping the zoloft would help. It doesn't help that the weekend was a disaster. My bday was on Friday, and I always feel disappointed at the end of the day. My parents gave me money, and I went out to spend it on Saturday. I bought 4 blind box figures from a comic book store, and when I opened them all but one were duplicates of what I already have. I was upset by it, and it made me think of how nothing I spend money on ever seems to keep me satisfied for long. I can really want something, but when I buy it and take it home I have so many regrets, and it doesn't hold the same meaning as it did when I just wanted it still. I wonder if I've always felt this, or if it's part of the depression.

I already posted on Sunday about how badly that went. I blocked my bf out for a while that day, because I just didn't want comfort from anyone. He was ok with me though, and once I stopped pushing him away he was able to slowly bring my mood up some. He got me playing video games, and made food for us even though I didn't want to eat. I don't know if I can ever express how grateful I am to have him in my life.

Yesterday was a mixed bag. We went to a cookout with my family for the holiday, I got a little anxious after a few hours but otherwise it was fun. My bf got upset with his family later in the evening, though, which always brings me down because I don't know how to comfort him. The night really went downhill from there, and I made myself so upset when he left that I threw up. Even though I asked him not to stay the night, because I had to get up early today, it still felt like he was abandoning me when he left, and it hurt. We've been talking about it already today though, and I know our relationship is safe. I hate it when we start talking about how crappy it is that we don't live together, because I always feel like it's mostly my fault. I was so eager to move out of my parents' house last year that I picked the first nice place I found, really. No pets, so my bf can't move in with his dog. And I signed a year lease, so I can't leave for another 3 months. It makes me feel bad. I didn't think about how long a year would be, and even though I thought I "needed" the experience of living alone, it's been hell.

I had fish and chips for lunch so tonight I have only just eaten and I could only mange a sandwich washed down with milk.

I did go out earlier,I was a little anxious, tired mainly,I worry I won't have the energy to do everything.It turned out more difficult cos my phone ran out of credit so I had to ask the shop keepers to ring a taxi for me,once at the post office and once at the bank.I got through that though.It was pouring with rain non stop the whole three hours I was out.
Luckily I left the cats indoors.

I got round the supermarket and was very disciplined,I didn't buy any cakes,donuts or forbidden foods.Only the healthy foods I need to eat every day and the only treats I allow myself magnum ice cremes.I came in within my budget.
I got tired and had to rest halfway through filling my trolley,and after unpacking it from the trolley to the belt for cashier to run everything through I was tired and needed a rest.I packed it away and got it home,as usual I ws glad to be home and have another shop over and done.

I slept when I got home.Put the shopping away when I woke up and did other chores I had to do.I just had my sandwich after ironing some clothes.I am going to rest now until I decide to go and have my shower.Watch a bit of TV.I am trying not to worry and get anxious about shop days,my fear is my legs will get too weak to carry my weight round to fill the trolley.I think I need to exercise with weights to strengthen my legs.I will try do that every day from now on.

I hope that my fears around people can be sorted too so that I can make friends and not be so alone.I am grateful to have got through today.I must practice acceptance of the things I cannot change,and try not to get anxious and worried before something as simple as going to the supermarket.Marylinx

Oh, I'm sorry you felt bad on your birthday. Did I wish you a good one already?

Happy belated Birthday, PsychNitrous!!!!! I hope your year will be better than your day was.

not feeling so hot this afternoon. (tmi) i got my period yesterday evening and so today i of course feel lovely! [/sarcasm] i am strangely 'down' emotionally, though that could be due to the period & hormones. as i recall i always get a little worse during this time. following in trigger box for tmi and those who don't like blood mentions:

on top of this i'm having sort of a bdd flareup. i feel, and look (at least to myself), rather ugly today. i guess i need to accept that at times like this my own perception of what i look like is not reliable and shouldn't be taken as the truth. and stop thinking about it so much!!

So excited that we start 'summer hours' in my office this week. It means we get to leave at 4 on week days and 1 on Fridays. It's pretty awesome. But only if your work is getting done. Well fortunately my work is done for today. Woohoo!

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I don't remember if you did, so thanks! I always want my bday to be a special event, but it never lives up to that. I keep thinking that maybe it's because I'm older, so birthday's aren't big parties and that now, and I never really had anything like that when I was little because I didn't have lots of friends. Or I just want to get more attention, and I don't.

All of that is true for me, too. I think I had one awkward party for 9 years old. None of the invitees were friends of mine, but at least they weren't the same girls who made fun of me, lol (or were they?). I only remember one of the girls, not the rest?

I hope your year will have good things, great health and happiness!!!!!!!

I've just felt the worst today. Wondering if my life, the sheer unlikelihood I'll ever get what I want, ever be content -is worth it? I don't know. I can bury it in fandom and useless information, but is that worthwhile? Is that sustainable?

Severe financial problems are terrifying me too.

Pretty much everything makes me want to cry today.

Hi Punpun,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

People react to grief in different ways and not everyone cries over loss. Shock is a common reaction, so you are definitely still quite human.

Also, if someone's death was expected, people often don't cry when it comes as they will have probably been grieving all along.


You may never experience anything more than shock over this, which is also normal. So don't be down on yourself. Hang in there!

--Ceara1010

Hi everyone,

I had weird dreams last night that upset me but I don't remember what they were about. They weren't nightmares because I wasn't frightened in them, just upset. (I don't get nightmares anymore since I started taking Cyproheptadine.) I kept waking up because people in these dreams were behaving really badly (that's the only way I can describe it) but I don't think their actions were directed towards me. I think they were being really mean to other people.

Maybe it was an empathy dream. I've spent all week reading about other's experiences being abused. Maybe that's what it was about. I don't know. I wish I could remember more.

I started getting a really bad headache because of these dreams, which I still have. Also, I've been coughing a lot the last few days and don't know why, probably allergies.

I'm still feeling a bit better mentally since I joined the forum last week. Yesterday, I was shocked to see how many posts I've done in just a week! This forum is really drawing me out. I'm so grateful for this place and everyone here.

I recommend people take breaks from the intensity of the mental illness forums and spend some time in the coffee house forum. There are a lot of threads there on light topics that solicit short, quick answers. I think my doing this has helped me participate as much as I have been.

Thanks for listening.

--Ceara1010

I use not to be like this, but recently I have been finding it difficult to do any writen assay. I don't know why, but I get anxious about it. Just imagining doing the work makes me anxious. I try not to think about due dates and to do it little by little but I just find myself postponing and not doing any work. I much rather read and study.
Because of this, at least I think so, yesterday I was feeling very nervous. I went to the gym, but it didn't help.
I have not been feeling that good, these couple of weeks I have had few social contact and not many duties...so I tend to go to bed late and sleep until late, and I feel a little distant from the world. I think I feel more alive when I have a porpose. I have a porpose now, but I don't have to leave the house to do it.

Last weekend I was a bit proud of myself because I read one of those books that you can't stop read. I don't read a lot, I use to be a regular reader until 9th grade, than it became a burden that made me feel tired and it was hard to feel that driving to read nonstopable. So I like to revive the good old times...but the book helped.

Even so I don't feel good... the symptoms are still here.
When I set my goals of what it would be to be in good place having pleasure while reading was one of my main goldstandards. Now it's not, now I set my goal to be able to make a proper conversation while feeling like doing it and being in the moment.... Whatever, right?... It will just go back and forth.

Feeling anxious that I'll be awake the whole night again. Last night was awful, only got a couple of hours of sleep and I just don't function on less than 8 hours.

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I remembered that it takes two to tango. My mom and dad are tangoing with me right now. My mom says, through my dad, that there is no room in her house for me to stay when I visit my dad who is dying. I bet my dad has been drinking and womanising, to make her act that mean. He confessed once and it turns out he had slept with almost every woman I met near him. So I need to laugh that he is enjoying his last days. I need to stay away from my mom pouring whatever she has brewing in her alcoholic cauldron, so I don't get scalded. Laughing is the key and keeping a good distance when someone is aiming at me. I will go to the other side of the world, have coffee with my dad and kiss him, and then have a holiday in my home country which I haven't seen for 24 years. I wanted to tell my mom I love her too but I will have to tell my other friends I love them instead. I love all of you that pour your hearts out everyday here.

Well down for me is having the abnormal heartbeats at night due to my sleep apnea,I am worried my heart will pack in and I will die in my sleep.I am planning on asking my doctor to refer me to the sleep disorders clinic.I will see him in June I have an appointment round about the 23rd.

Up for me today,I had a good day.I got money from the Post office,collected my insulin from the pharmacy.Then I went to the bookshop I found a good book on anxiety management called,Anxiety Rebalance by Carl Vernon, I am looking forward to reading it.I enjoyed a pot of tea,a sandwich and a cake at the bookshop cafe....it was pleasant in there.I then went to the food hall and bought a few bits and came home to let the cats in from the rain.We are all warm and cosy indoors with the heating on!I enjoyed my day out today.
This evening I am in all night.I will watch TV, browse online and read.
I hope you are all ok, thanks for reading.Have a good week all of you.Marylinx

I feel like screaming today. Nothing is going right, and I'm a cranky b****. I wish I could just go home so no one has to put up with me.

i'm just hoping i get some rest tonight (even if it's only a little)

all these voices and stuff starting to annoy me

i'm constantly astonishing myself with my own incompetence

Good for you for not getting sucked into your mom's projecting her unhappiness on you! Parent's so often take out their frustrations and anger with each other onto their kids. My mother did that with my whole life and has only stopped because she is so old now that she's too cognitively impaired to hold a conversation.

Curry, I am sure you don't feel it sometimes (otherwise you wouldn't be here in this forum), but you have one healthy perspective on dysfunctional families!

Thanks for this.

Hugs, Ceara1010

Today was a weird kind of day, I guess you might say. Yesterday and last night were nice as I had worked out for the first time in a couple of weeks; and went to the pool area with no one bothering me.

Today people at work seemed testy, I guess is what I can describe it. It's like they seem to get upset over the smallest things. Also I got thinking about last night when I got talking to my friend. I think that there are things I talk about that he does not want to hear. Things like - how I feel that the people at where I live do not like me that much. Whenever I mention it, he would just change the subject. I find that annoying. He's a good friend, but he's not very understanding of me.

Today was a bit blah, but its becoming like more ups than downs. I am glad for today.

(Sorry this is so long. :-s )

Well, today I'm a bit irritated. But I'm also feeling good about myself because I think what has happened to me today would have gotten me really angry, in the past. Instead, I've been trying to be proactive about it. Yet my ability to keep myself in check might not have to do with growth, but instead be because I'm so emotionally numb these days. So, I don't know if my emotional state right now is good, or bad, or whatever.

First, I found out today that a moderator here deleted one of my posts, but did not PM me to tell me why. If the content of my post violated some kind of rule here, I certainly want to know why so I don't do it again. You would think that they would know it would be important to explain something like this, right?

After I found my post deleted, I searched the forum for a list of rules on posting here, and the only one I found was on using the trigger icon and nothing I wrote in the post would have been triggering to anyone. There was nothing else. So, whatever rule I violated, it was unwritten and there should be no unwritten rules in a place like this. (Many of us were expected to read people's minds in our dysfunctional families, and we shouldn't have to read minds here, right?)

Anyway, I'm irritated about it, but not bent out of shape. I have messaged one of the moderators of that forum (where my post was deleted) to ask why it was deleted. As I am new here and still learning my way around, I certainly want to know where the boundaries are so I don't cross them. I am still waiting for a response.

The other thing that happened today was my dad tried to get me to "tango" with him (to use Curry's term). I had a late lunch yesterday, so I told my mom to just put the leftovers from dinner in the refrigerator and I would eat later, which I did. I didn't think it was any big deal my not eating dinner with them as no one says anything throughout, and we are done in about 10 minutes. Plus, dinner always consists of frozen, family-sized meals, and isn’t something my mother spends a lot of time on.

Today, as I was eating my breakfast, my dad came into the kitchen and told me that mom was all upset that I didn't tell her I wasn't going to eat the dinner that she “prepared” and she had to throw it out. Not true, I did eat it, and I told him so. But he wouldn't let up. He kept insisting she had to throw out this meal she even though I kept telling him that I did, in fact, eat the dinner. He said I should be more considerate and I hurt her feelings by not eating the dinner; that I should have told her earlier that I had no intention of eating the dinner, etc.

As is usual with me when someone in my family won't listen to what I say, my voice began to rise--I hate it when I do this--though I wasn't shouting.

In the end, when my dad walked away, there was no resolve as he refused to accept that I did eat the dinner.

My father knows my mother has dementia (she is 80 years old) and you would think he would know to question her reactions as she gets upset very easily these days about really little things. But he is in denial about her condition (he is very, very sharp, despite being 83 years old) and he continues to relate to her as if she isn't impaired. But because of her dementia, she probably forgot I told her to just put the dinner in the fridge for later, and got all confused and upset about what to do.

And of course, her getting upset has to be viewed as my fault. It is typical of the dynamic in my family to blame me when someone gets upset about something I do, even if I did nothing wrong: in this instance, it’s not my mother’s dementia that is at fault, I am simply inconsiderate of her feelings. Very typical.

Sorry, I'm just rambling now because my dad let it drop without our coming to any resolve. That can make me a little nuts because I like to resolve conflicts. When I can't, I can get a bit obsessive, and start ruminating on what happened, over and over.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Hang in there today everyone!

--Ceara1010

it's over... i'll never be loved again