well...

i just cant do this anymore... i need an easy escape...
quit.... please stop...

(((((((elevatedsoul)))))) you counseled me not to give up so if I can't.....

I am so sorry that you're hurting. I know the feeling.

Right now fuzzy's and fizzyo's kind notes and photos to my profile and on my threads are what's keeping me going. Thank God for them both.

I'm sending you a huge, strong hug.

I am doing a little bit better this weekend. Sending some hope to both of you. Hang in there and hope you can get through this successfully. Until you can find some relief please know that I understand and I've been there... Currently nearby but holding out hope.

Holding on with you - ( grrrrrr )

thanks...
i just haven't been taking care of myself ultimately...
drinking too much... drugs... self harm ...
just not the life i wanted - or want...
just wish i could change it...
it just doesn't seem fair at all... don't know why it can't be fair...
dont like any of these things... wanted so much more... but so much less...
i will be fine one day...
if it has to wait till the last day i guess...
through all the pain - just can't seem to give up...
blessing and a curse...

stay strong...
maybe there is a purpose behind all of it...

Drink, drugs and self-destructive behaviour really is not the answer, ultimately the combination makes life so much worse. I quit drugs in '88 and stopped drinking 2 years later. At the time 8 pints and 8 double whiskys was a standard night and I never got drunk. I wasn't physically dependent, mentally I was using both as self-medication to override chronic Depression and crippling Anxiety. In all honesty neither drink nor drugs helped at all - it just masked my issues and made them worse.

I was hospitalised with a breakdown when my drinking was at it's worse (after I had quit drugs), which showed me my lifestyle was no solution. A few months later, when I was stronger and I was on some meds which helped a little, I stopped drinking cold turkey. I've never gone back, even the thought or smell nauseates me now.

It is always going to be an easier life without self-destructive tendencies. Do try to channel that energy into something positive rather than letting yourself deteriorate. Try not to waste the years I did and suffer the physical damage I caused myself following this behaviour.

Dave.

@englishdave
thanks for the response very much;

i dont ever really get drunk - or high... is just the matter of making things feel less - thats just it... feel less.. i mean i drink so much it might kill someone... or do other things that they may overdose... but for me my body is just like "you wont get out this ****ing easy"
cause it doesnt really help - and it does really seem to make things worse...
would really just like to stop... be healkthy... happy.... content... have a good life... and live for a long time....
i just dont know what else to do - since i was atleast 13 years old i started to try to deal with things like this...
i dont really enjoy anything... no alcohol.. i like the taste - but when i drink 20 + beers i start feeling like this isnt the right thing to do...
i dont enjoy getting blasted... but its just you know... i have a few minutes of peace... maybe like being dead for a few minutes and i inevitably come back...
i really dont like it... but i dont know how else to handle anything...
my nickname is loaded... i am just good at it... i get ****ed up and cant tell whats going on sometimes...
i want to stop... i want to make the life i thought i could have - maybe ....
just seem like im gone... its over.... there is no time left.... and i just need to make it hurt less...
dont like doing anything illegal...
dont like being different....
is just i cant be sober.... i cant do this.... im not normal....
i hurt so bad.... i dont brag about anything.... i dont tell people i drank 40 beers last night.... i dont say i did the drugs i did or try to look big or anything.... its all a secret self sabotage kind of thing... alot of people know i do smoke weed - but most people think thats my biggest problem....
the truth is i just will do anything... dont really care what it is... and it sounds so horrible.... but you know the truth is an ugly *****....

would like to be the IT tech that i wanted to be... have a family i dreamed of... someone that cared about me....
but as much as i want... is just something that seems so bloody impossible....
im a good looking guy... im smart... but im so ugly... and so retarded.... just cant stop this stupid cycle...
i hurt myself... take myself down more... cant get up... how can i make a future... how can anyone fall in love with someone like me...?
i talk like this here... but no one knows... no one knows how i feel... people cant know... people cant know my habbits... drugs... alcohol... harm.... you know....
no one can know me... im just not getting younger... dont know how i can fix any of it... just wanna make it stop you know... dont want more years like this...
just would like... i mean.. if i could have someone come into my life.... show me that maybe im not so ****ed up.... maybe someone can love me... maybe i could have a family... maybe this shits all in my head - which i know it is... jus i dunno what else do do....
i didnt want any of this... i just fellinto the wrong place... the wrong time.. maybe i have saved a lot of people lives while i doing what i do.... maybe is why i suffer so much... but is just not fair.... i didnt ask for anygthing.... the people i helped are happy.. sober... but is like i took on all the demons... is all in me,... im just spent...
cant you know... really dont know what to do... i want to stop ... just dont know whats the pointanymore....
sorry.... glad you are sober mate.... thanks for your comment....

what made you get sober...? did something change...?
i really dont want to live like this.... just cant kill myself....

umm ...
i meant i dont really get high or drunk like other people...
dont think that was clear...
i drink a lot- do stupid stuff... jus i dont feel the same as normal people....
i hate it.... but i gotta hide it....
for now i just willl tryto blend in.... everyone else seems to have a be good time... having a great time...
so whatever.... maybe fake it till i make it like they say right...

You are like I was, high tolerance and anything I took or drank had little outward affect (even the pot was opiated). It is a self-destructive lifestyle driven by Mental Illness. Luckily, my tolerance was so high I could function in a successful career during the day. Everything was geared to self-destruction, partying, degrading, unprotected sex with multiple partners, drink and drugs instead of food…

I was 27 when I became clean. I fell in love with a wonderful woman who changed my life, gave me a reason to live. Even though I kept drinking to excess to start with, I was much better. I even voluntarily cut myself off from my previous life.

I quit drinking after a serious motorbike accident (sober). I crushed the vertebrae in my neck and spent weeks in Hospital. Due to that break and the amount of meds I have been on since the accident, I decided to quit drinking before it killed me. I had a lucky let off with the bike, I felt I shouldn't push it.

You have time to come to realisation, to make changes and steer your life in any direction you wish. Perhaps someone will come into your life as they did mine.

Dave.

yeah... will be 27 this year... just hard to see any kind of future aymore when i used to have such nice dreams... but i think i was just trying to live in a fantasy - thinking things could change one day...
oh well... i could of been good for someone - but dont think i could let myself drag anyone down with me now... think its the end of the road - dont really see how anything could help

even if something does happen to try to give me a chance... this stuff will always haunt me - the things i do to myself are just horrible...

dunno why i know what im doing is no good but just dont care anymore... tried to do good for a long time, but doesnt really seem to be a point to it
only point i see in anything anymore is to try to relieve some of this pain...

im just really broken i guess... broken pretty bad...
pretty embarrassing.... but i guess that doesnt really matter anymore either..

being a guy - surrounded by machoism... crying everyday is so demeaning...
no one see's me cry of course, but sometimes i feel like they secretly know... 1-2 times someone has caught me crying... like the first time my sister caught me crying and it just made me break down terrible - you know the sobbing type cry? couldn't breathe or catch my breathe, choking on mucus and blablabla...
dont really feel like a man at all... and honestly dont really feel very human anymore either...
have like 0 self esteem anymore, no confidence...
even though i know i have a lot of reasons to be very confident...
im an intellectual, intelligent, talented, musically inclined, compassionate, pretty good looking... i mean i dont think im a super model - but i know im not ugly.... but in my mind i do seem really ugly... especially with the scars i have now...
trigger
they are all hidden though, as long as i dont take my shirt off.. mostly on my shoulder and under my collar bone... just makes you feel so stupid....
but its something i started doing after thinking about it for a long long long time... just one day i was probably out of my mind loaded or something... and tried it and felt how it felt... to be able to have something real - kinda makes you stop thinking about the fake emotional stuff i guess...
i do not condone self harm - please do not do it EVER....
its a super stupd retarded thing i do because im just an idiot...

then to try to go through the day with a 'mask' on trying to be kind, compassionate, caring, respectful... just gets harder everyday... i love making people happy, its like my favorite thing in the world to do... i love helping people... all i have ever truly wanted in life was for EVERYONE to be happy...
i dont want to hurt anyone any at all, but i feel like i am hurting a lot of people because of these struggles and challenges i face every day....
not able to make jokes or make someone smile because i feel so dead.... not able to help someone because i can barely make myself get out of bed... eat.. shower... or whatever... being drunk or high blablabla...

i hate fake things so much... i have always despised fake people... but i've turned into a huge fake... or so i feel... maybe im not fake and im just trying to protect everyone from whats inside of me because its so damn ugly....
i have to fake the smiles, i try to push out a chuckle from time to time to fit in and make the others around me that are joking around feel comfortable - or atleast make them feel like i dont think they are bloody stupid and hate them or whatever... but its not really a laugh, its just like ... i dunno i guess a small chuckle explains it...

i just dunno what to do but try to fake these things... i have to hide so much - there is no one on this planet that knows all of the things i do...
i feel like such a horrible person.... im so bad... no one would ever want to be around me if they knew whats inside of me... behind the smile and kindness...

i dont know how any girl could ever fall in love with someone like me... feel like if i was a girl and i found these things out about a guy i might have a crush on - id change my number, move, change my name, get far away....
how could any girl be attracted to such madness...? insanity...
not even sure i would want to try to have a relationship because of this...
scared i would just hurt her some how, not physically or emotionally or abuse, but... i dunno... i just dont feel like anyone could deal with me - its hard for me to let anyone close to me ... much less tell them how im feeling... and when you are in a relationship they tend to get to know whats going on inside of you... i guess that just scares me because i feel like they would just run away fast....
im not a bad person, im a really good guy - a gentlemen... southern country boy....
but i have a lot of pain inside of me... i hate to burden anyone...

is it possible to find a girl that can tolerate this...?
like i said i dont take anything out on anyone.... i only take things out on myself... im not abusive to anyone, in any forms... besides myself...
but maybe its no better...

starting to have so much hate... really disliking myself so much...
dont see how i could like myself when i do all of these things to myself...
but i end up doing these things because im lost... i don't know what else to do - i dont want to kill myself and end it all... i just want to survive and be happy... just dont want to live like this anymore....

i just try to numb the pains... just try to make it from one moment to one moment...
but some of the things i do to numb the superficial(?) pain... the pain i have inside... the deeply disturbed torture...
i end up causing real physical pain.... but i justify it by saying - its real pain, this is better... i can see why it hurts, i know it wont hurt for ever, it actually can heal and i can watch it heal... see the progress.... but you have to hide scars... cuts... blood stains and blabla... just the same as the emotional pain...
but it doesnt make it better, i just end up doing it because i dont know what else to do...
it had been a while since i did self harm - maybe a year... im not sure... as my time perception is all messed up... but i started again recently... december or november or something like that... but i started again because im getting so bad... scared if i cant release this stuff some how i accidentally might end it all...

when i don't hurt myself i partake in substances to altar my psychological states...
this doesn't fix things either, just makes me want to stay completely loaded out of my mind... because it does make me forget about some things, give some moments of relief... and i wont cut...
i really dont like drugs... its a love hate thing.... i just try to get by you know...? i just want this to stop... i just wish i could have a real life....

i am extremely careful with all of these habits because like i said i dont want to die.... i really dont.... i just dont want to live like this anymore....
would like to be happy... but its so hard to see how that could ever be possible now... so i just try to make it impossible for me to think about the future... have to try to blank out the past because of all the stupid **** i have done and has happened to me...
i think most of my mind has been repressed so severely... im scared of developing Dissociative identity disorder... i dont know much about that disorder or how it manifests it self... but i feel my psyche is being ripped into pieces and categorized... separating things and repressing things...
if i develop more psychological problems i dont know how im going to live with it....

before when i was younger i had fantasies... dreams... things i thought i could achieve, things i thought could help improve my life and give me a chance at being happy... having a fulfilling life... to be able to help others find happiness and purpose in their life as well...
but i guess these were just fantasy.... something that is impossible for me to achieve... i'll never ever ever be able to do that and im trying so hard to just accept it....

but past 10 years (atleast) i have just been losing it all... i feel so broken i dont know how it can be repaired... i have not been diagnosed with any type of dissociation... but i feel like i have a problem with dissociation.... maybe i dont fully understand what is dissociation... but my mind is so... divided... i have so little memories and it seems as time goes on i only get more black holes in my memory...
all of these things have been going on to some extent since i was .. well due to my memory its really hard to remember... i know i was walking... but i know i was not older than 5 years old... maybe back then i just had a little anxiety and the ADHD... but then the ptsd came really quickly - repeatedly multiple different traumas... and then the anxiety ramped up greatly... and i became severely depressed by the age 13... probably before 13 but i always say 13 because thats when i started realizing something wasnt right with me... like really really realizing that something was wrong... i started to self medicate at 13... sigh.... what a life....

years are completely blank... i cant remember what day of the week it is nearly every day, i am just giving up on a subconscious level i think...

i know alot of doctors try to pin things on the substance abuse, but quite frankly i really would of killed myself before age 14 if i didnt start to self medicate...

i am so complex and complicated... nothing makes sense... its like everything is trying to contradict everything i think... i have absolutely no power anymore... i am very confused.... i just wish i could understand....
i dont blame anyone for my traumas - besides my step brother for trying to kill me all those times but he's psychopathic schizo bipolar - so i guess he really doesnt understand the implications of his actions... but im still really disturbed because of some of those things... you just cant forget it.... even if the person doesnt realize what they are doing is wrong....
the rest of the traumas were just... physical child abuse.. sexual abuse(by male family member)... falling out of a huge tree and probably almost dieing... of course i passed out halfway down on the trip to the ground... after trying to grab the tree and stabbing myself pretty deeply with a broken limb... i dont remember hitting the ground, just remember a flash of my little brother trying to carry me into the house to mom and then i remember laying on the table and looking down at my stomach where i had been stabbed with the limb and saw so much blood i just fainted again... i was 4 years old or so when that happen too... ( yes we were monkeys and did alot of stupid stuff like climbing trees we shouldnt of )
and i know this is a complex trauma because i was placed in foster care due to what the courts said was neglect... i was in the foster care for a couple years or so i dont really remember any of that time... but my dad worked hard and fought the courts to get us back so we were able to go home...
by that time dad had changed a lot and mom had split - she wasn't living at home with him anymore... and i think i had some time of attachment thing with mom so it messed with my head hard being put in foster care and then returning to realize they were not together anymore...
of course there is more but im just not gonna go into anymore... writing too much....

i dont know why my mind is doing this.... maybe i have yet another un-diagnosed disorder that is doing this.... causing me to blank out....

does PTSD cause this type of thing with memory..? dissociation or anything...? too severe anxiety and depression?
why cant i remember.... i remember alot of traumas, so why can i remember some things and have so much missing...? i should have 26 years of memories but i feel like i have maybe a weeks worth of memories... if that...
i have had brief moments of de-realization... but its not an occurrence that happens frequently... maybe has happened to me 4-6 times total... give or take...

im just scared of whats happening to me.... its getting worse... and i dont know how to handle any of it, handle what i was dealing with before - much less how to handle something even worse....

i just wanna be normal.... just dont want all of these challenges.... dont want to be so damn miserable you know...

i dunno whats wrong with me... i really have no bloody clue what my problem is...

could hypnotherapy pull this stuff out...?
im just scared that if they put me under hypnosis some scary stuff would happen... like i start talking in a demonic voice or i just start speaking a different language or... you know who knows... could hypnosis even work on someone with my severe condition...? using drugs and alcohol and stufff..?

if i did do hypnotherapy i would need a witness - but it have to be someone i really trust because i know theres some ****ed up **** in my mind and i dont want anyone to really see it... so could the session be video taped maybe..?

im just out of options... im so ... so tired....

feel like i've just... i dunno it just really feels like the end of the road....

god i hate being sober....
i had 1 beer and 1 klonopin a couple hours ago... dont have anything else besides some antipsychotics... zyprexa20mg - seroquel 400mg - topamax... but i dont know if they would make me feel better if i take one... i know the seroquel would make me sleep - i never really felt anything off of the zyprexa so i dunno if that would do anything... and the topamax i haven't really taken very much so i dunno....

i am responsible and extremely careful when it comes to putting anything into my body... i have always disliked medications like that, but out of desperation i have been trying to work with them... so i know better than to mix certain medications, i know how to look up drug interactions and how to be safe with any kind of substance consume...

so i dunno why the doc just wont lemme get some valium.... i just want it to help so i wont drink so much, maybe it can help stop the urge to self harm too... and honestly i jjust want it till april - till my court date and see if i can get these SSDI stuff benifits or whatever - the insurance is all im caring about because i need psychiatric help... but i am left in the desert with no help right now because my GP doesn't feel comfortable giving me anything but the wellbutrin...
maybe if i call her a few times and tell her that this anxiety stuff is really hurting me could you please consider writing a script for klonopin or valium for me... maybe she would re-consider it?
i just have a problem with continuing to bring something up when she says 1 thing... last time she said we'll just try to let the wellbutrin get in your system and see what happens from there - which is a completely open statement to any kind of interpretation.... they have klonopin on my drug histery list and the nurse even asked if i needed refills for it last time i went in and i said yes please if i can and she said ok great the doc will be in with you in a minute - but when doc came in she just avoided it completely....

im not looking to get high... like i said before i dont like getting high so much... its not the buzz im looking for... its just the release... the relief... the little bit of peace i can have briefly while the medication is working...

i just hate this so much.... why cant we have a better mental health care system....

i just dont know what to do.... and here i go again - starting to cry - so im just going to shut up... well, i wrote a long message anyway so its time to stop writing anyway....

sorry if this is all stupid - i know how stupid it sounds to me....
just thought i would try to write a little because i have been sober all day today until couple hours ago when someone brought 1 beer and 1 klonopin to me... and now im not high or drunk or anything - it was just something... something better than nothing...

is there anyway to get in with a psychiatrist with a plan to pay him back in the future with a payment plan? so i can go start seeing this pdoc now and when i get to april - hopefully win the disability case... to get the insurance and money to pay whatever i owe...?

is there anyway i can get any kind of emergency psychiatric care temporarilly? to get me started on meds that maybe my GP could keep me on until april...?

im trying so hard... im just getting so tired of trying for something that seems so bloody impossible...

sorry about this ridiculous post...
if anyone reads it, thanks...
if anyone has advice, am grateful...

gonna go stare at the wall now....
take care..... thanks for the support and all....
ignore any stupid things i said - im just having a hard time thinking clearly anymore... i try to becareful what i say and try not to say too much but sometimes i know i mess up...

sorry...

That was quite a journey, you do well to share so much. I hope the simple act of writing gave you some clarity.

I cannot say much, my double vision is terrible.

It is clear you value your ability to be kind - and that comes across in all your Posts to others. Do not judge yourself so harshly, see yourself how others now see you.

I believe there is someone for everyone and the odds of meeting that person are good. She is out there, waiting for you now.

What you have lived through, what you have inflicted upon yourself all adds up to the person you are now, stuck with issues not of your making. I believe you would benefit from quality Therapy, maybe meds again - I would leave that to the experts. How you go about accessing treatment over there is beyond me. Hopefully someone with firsthand knowledge will pipe up.

Dave.

thanks...

im not really looking for some magic answer...
i know there really isn't one though, im just trying to learn to live with these... challenges....

its funny - because the girl told me the same thing, i should see myself the way others see me - but other people see what i show them... ya know?

im a horrible person... im just a really compasionate... well... im intune with both feminine and masculine sides of myself - or something liek tat.... mi not really sure how to explain myself...

its just that i know if people could see through me (if that makes sense?) then they would not want anything to do with me... not because i hate everyone on the inside - but because i care so much.... i care so much more about other people than i care about myself, because im so damaged i know that itsnear mposible for me to be ok...

i mean... i dont like lloooking at myself in th mirror you know..?
i mean ... i know im not ugly... i may be really good looking, but my self esteem is null... i dont have confidence in those things at all... because of what is inside of me

demons.... i am a demon.... but im an angel, im just trapped not able to escape....
im trying to shard to fixc heverything.... i trying so hard to make everything try to startmoving forward....

you are right , since i was able to walk i would try to do what i can for other people...
4 years old i wake up in the morning early and make coffee and peanut butter sandwhich for mom....
and i would do those things all the time... i just dont remember alot of things....
i dont remember anything.... i remember bad things..... i dont want to remember what i remember... i want to remember the other things, i know there had to be something happy for me to remember... i just want to change memorys....

i know i need therapy, its just not easy for me to talk about these things because i get confused... i lose my place.. i cant remember things....
even when i feel comfortable with the therapist i just.... i want to tell everything, but its a floodgate and i dont know how to let it trickle through so i find myself not really saying as much as i want to avoid meltdowm,....
i cant cry in front of anyone... if i start to get too overwhelmed my mind starts to do really strange things... like my personality might just change completely just to get through the session and end up saying different things, things i didnt even want to talk about or need to talk about, things that are stupid and dont matter...

im afraid of my mind so much.... im so afraid ogmyself....

im a good guy... i just suffer a lot....
i try hard all the time to be the best i can be without letting my pain hurt anyone....

im just having such a hard time... my best friend.. my ex... she was my best friend... and i loved her so much... and we had a connection that i just cant explain with words.... she felt.... she was.... she was part of me.... she was the only person that i ever met that i talked to the way i dod... she made me think differently about myself....

but the whole future plans and everything i dreamed ouf with hre is gone and it will never happen....

and she is still kind to me - she says she cares and loves me on a level beyond - but seems like tome she just pushing me away to try to avoid any complicatedions...
i barely ever get to talk to her anymore and it urts me ... i know i cant marry her - but she was my best friend and i need her... why cant she understand...? why cant shje just make her self a little more available to talk just for a few minutes to help methrough a realy bad time.... im not asking for a relationship or anything anything... i just want her to be my fridn.....

bleg... i dunno why she makes me feel so much better... but she is.... with all of her problems and faults... errors and mistakes... the best friend i have mvery had....

when we were in a relationship we would talk... so much you would not believe it....
about everything, there was never a moment we werent talking... we just had everything to talk about... and there was never not something we wanted to talk about.... i dunno if that makes sense...
we would spend hours .... sometimes we would just talk all day.... sometimes spend just days talking to each other and spending time together....

but its okver.... thats over... i know its not gonna be like that - but she is stillml my friend right?
dont feel like she treating me like a friend....

buyt i am rambling.... im off topic... that stuff is rubbish....

since she has been gone i;ve turned so far far far worse....
and i dont blame it on her, its not her fault!!! im just a stupid idiot thats really bloody broken...
and being away from her is just making it so much worse....

jealiayeat.....
well.... i mea i just dont see anything good in myself anymore... sure i act kind and i treat others with respect and i dont lie and im loyal and honest and i just... i would semm like the person you would think not exist....
but im just acting those things... i really feel those things, i want to do that....
but on the inside whenile im doing all of this.... my insides are burning... im on fire... i am being mutilated.... my head is being twisted in degrees around my nceck....
i dnno how i can live like this....

i felm like im living 2 lives.....
i have the person i am - the person i try to be - the person i awnts to be....
they are al soo not the saem.....

the person i am is a really tortured soul... i feel so much pain its hard to hide it.... and when someone ask if im ok, i have to saiy im fine yeah how you doing?

the person i try to be is just compasionate, caring... loving... understand.ing....
everyone desrves to be heard and treatined like a huiman being....

the person i want yo be is happy... have a life - a reall liefe.... someting that isnt about drugs... but something that is real .... ito have a family.... loving family of my own.... a future.... i just want a future.....

but i am a horrible person.... how can i be good person when imlike this....
how can i have any of that....

i dont talk about what i been through ever... im just hveing a bad time.... i dont know what else to do....

just wish that girl would come spend some time just to talk... she just had a way to make me feel sobeter..... to mak me feel needed and wanted....

she told me her self that any girl could give me the same feelings... same attention....
but she is just special to me.... i know itsretarded... it doesnt make any sense.... i know its just stupid and im idot....
but i really loved her so much.... and even thokg we cant get marieed and have the future we taklked about... i just want her friend ship....
i kn ow alot of times people say y that thinking they cam make the relationship wrok and get back to gether nda be happy ever after...

im dont want to manipulate anything... rturlly honestly sincerely just want her to be my friend... she means alot... i mean i still love hre, but i can just live with that... im used to pain, i dunno - i gvmve up im blody drunk and shouldnt be writing anyway :S

can barely reead....
sory about talking aboust stupid **** like ex girlfrined .... love... blah... what a jokec.....

sorym about my long posts... i guess my adhd makesme ramble....

maybe i shldnt write anythng write now... i m just talking a bunch of stupid noncse....

apoliogiges...

Since I will need to be going out in a few minutes, I won't have time to give too much of a response.

I do think writing down may be good for you to get some of this low-self esteem and destructive thoughts out in the open. I have an adult daughter who is currently on Wellbutrin. Without my being aware at the time, many years later she informed me of her self-medication around the age of 12.

She has been married and has two adult children. She has been divorced for some time now. She does not like commitments and prefers to have time to herself. I see much of what you are saying relating to her.

I really have to leave now; but know it is good to get these tho thoughts and feelings out of your system...It would be good to have things written down before going to the doctor so you don't wander all over the place. This might help you to stay on track.

Gerry

I see so much of who I once was in you. Festering and growing from the age of 9/10, the self loathing, feelings of unworthiness, destructive behaviour as self punishment and self medication. The lost Soul Mate - she who got me clean and set me up for success despite my Mental Issues - who broke my heart and abandoned me.

Yet despite falling to physical Disabilities and illnesses after she left, and living a life where the severe Depression is a constant companion and Anxiety/Panic Attacks only ever bubble under the surface, I found Love again, lost it, but in the interim gained my children and - eventually - Grandchildren. I actually lost everything for a while due to the zombifying effects of Citalopram, but I fought for my family when my Ex left and I quit that hateful med.

You see, if you think and act as a good person then, by definition, you are a good person. It is your MI which makes you doubt this and has you behave as you do. I was weak, introverted and so Anxiety-wracked that Therapy wasn't an option for me, but I still ended up satisfied with how my family life turned out (don't mention my parents or childhood!). I believe you still have all your options and future open to you.

Dave.

sorry about writing a lot of weird stuff...
i was just a little drunk....

thanks for the advice...

just have to learn how to try to allow myself to do those things...

we're all broken my friend. That is why we reach out when we can't reach up anymore. Don't be embarassed. we all have our wounds and scars, some that can be see and some that can't.
I'm sorry you feel so bad right now. But we all stand with you. Be careful and just do the next right thing. you don't have to tackle everything at once.

I understand how you feel man. Especially with the crying. As a man I honestly feel like there is no good reason for a man to cry. It is a sign of weakness & men are always supposed to be strong. I hate not being able to control my emotions. I have now gotten to the point when I'm alone & I want to cry and just let it out I can't. When I am at work or other public places it takes everything I have not to cry. I absolutely hate this feeling.