Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Had a pretty good day but I'm still having trouble with after work hours. I'm more and more feeling motivated and focused at work, but once I get off work all I want to do is eat my dinner and go to sleep. My poor dog doesn't get much attention or exercise these days because I don't do much after work. My goal is to start exercising 3 times a week after work.

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What are these chats you speak of? I'm still trying to find my way around this site.

Hi, I'm new too.

If you look at the top of the forum, you'll see "Chat." This is a link to a number of chatrooms where people can visit in "real time." So far, there appear to be people chatting here at PC 24 hours a day.

I've noticed that on most days, people gather in the Coffee House chat room. But it can get really full which can make it hard to follow the conversation there. Because it gets so busy, I think a lot of people in the Coffee House end up using personal messaging to chat with each other one-on-one.

But there are a number of scheduled, "hosted chats" that focus on specific mental illnesses, and other topics. Most of these hosted chats are support groups that meet in a chatroom. For example, there's a Depression Chat and an Anxiety Chat, both hosted by CANDC. (She usually has an article she asks members to read on a specific topic related to the illness, and we discuss this.) There's also chats for PTSD, and Bi-Polar, and other illnesses.

Most of the hosted chats meet at the same time each week. But there is a bi-weekly chat hosted by DocJohn (the PC owner), and a once a month "Newbies" chat for new people.

To find out about all the different hosted chats, click on the "Calendar" link at the top of the forum. If you are interested in one of the chats shown in the calendar squares, click on the link for the specific chat. This will open the page with information on that specific chat. If you have your correct time zone programmed in your Profile here at the forum, the meeting time that shows on the chat information page will be the correct one for your time zone.

You don't have to schedule anything with anyone if you want to participate in a chat, just show up.

If you have any trouble with any of this, feel free to send me a personal message. I'd be glad to help.

--Ceara1010

I'm in a dark place. I'm hoping spending a few minutes typing here will help.
I have both been scared to lose my bf and tried to break up with him several times. I'm realizing having someone say they love me isn't going to save me from my depression. I knew that already but for a few months when this was new, I felt ok for the first time in a long time. Now I'm dreading the weekends, I have to pull myself together (physically and mentally) to act somewhat normal. I'm not normal at all.

Something I did last weekend will haunt me forever. I try to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal. And in my whole life, compared to other things like this, I got over them.

There's no option but to keep going but I'm so tired. I feel so guilty yet I can't get up in the morning lately to send my son off to school with a lunch. Now, he is a teenager and quite capable of looking after himself but he doesn't bother to care lately about putting a sandwich together. I'm crappy at being a mom but I have no desire for living right now.

The tinnitus seems so much worse and I don't think of it because if I did all the time I think I'd find a way to end things. But lately it's so bad that I think to myself, if someone else who didn't have this was given this noise, at this level for even just a day, I think they'd go insane too.

I haven't been getting out for walks like I promised myself I would so my hips and back ache. I'm eating tons of sugar even though I'm diabetic, I notice my legs ache and my eyesight is getting worse but I keep doing it. I'm not caring but I'll pay the price if I don't. I can't put together a meal lately. I have a mess everywhere. Yesterday all I managed was one sink full of dishes and the bathroom sink. Bf should be coming here as I spend too much time away from son and I'm spending money on gas, yet I don't have the energy to clean this up.

I know this is rambling, it doesn't help. I'm just so stupid, I can't make this life work for me, why can't I feel ok with what I have? Why do I feel so low almost every minute of every day that I'd like for life to be done with? I'm also realizing in a few years or less, without my son living with me,no more child support, I won't know where to turn for a place to live. I don't like getting disability but it has kept a roof over my head, but without $ for shelter for two there's no apts that have that low a cost I could afford. My parents are getting so old and so many health problems I know I could lose them and likely will soon, and even though we had so many issues, now that my dad is old he has been like a life support to me at times. I'm tearing up right now just at the thought of him being gone someday. Thanks for this place to vent.

(((((disparaissant))))) Time to revisit ENT doc again? I hope you feel better soon.

I tried, I really, really did. But every time I start to think I might be coming back up, I just get dragged back down again. Yesterday was kind of going ok, I was more edgy and irritable than depressed. I thought I could make today work, but one of my afternoon appointments was cancelled and I'm working through a chunk of free time right now. I wanted to keep busy so I wouldn't have time to think, but I'm not.

I'm overreacting about situations at work, and even more frustrated because my supervisor is out today, so I'm the senior employee today. I don't mind the status so much when it's coworkers coming to me for help with a report, or asking about how to proceed with something. But today there have been little things, things that are more managerial, in my mind anyway. And I don't want to be the one to do it, my supervisors know I don't want that kind of role here. But there isn't anyone else to do it today.

I feel like a burden to everyone. I'm dreading tonight because I don't want to see one of my clients who had to meet with someone else this week. I don't think he'll say anything with the intent of being mean, if anything he will joke about it. But I still feel bad, because I left early the other day because I was depressed. I feel like a huge burden on my boyfriend too. Every time he starts to sound down or says he's tired, I feel like it's my fault. I feel like he has to spend so much time and energy on me, and when something's wrong with him I just don't know what to do. I panic, I don't feel the energy to take care of him. Sometimes I really think I would be better off alone.

I apologized because someone told me last time I was here to work on my introduction. I think they were joking, though.

I am tired. Didn't get enough sleep. I'm trying to do little things around here. I cleaned the front of the fridge and dishwasher. They look better now that they are clean. All the dust around here and the things that need cleaning are a source of me feeling bad about myself. I just don't feel like doing it all so trying to do little by little is helping me feel a bit better. I have so much laundry piled up due to no motivation or very little. Long time ago I used to be a clean freak but not any more. I'd be embarrassed to have anyone over. I'm wondering if I could get a home health aid. I'd have to go through my doctor to get one.

Trying tokeepon top of thingsand stay in control. It's really hard.

Doing decently these days, however I was having a bad day the other day. My wife said she wants me to tell her how I'm doing and to get things off my chest, but when I tried to talk to her about it she seemed extremely disinterested and had an almost b**chy attitude towards me. I guess I'll just keep it inside from now on until I implode.

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things are okay today, coping well.

Hello PC people, I hope everyone is hanging in there.

I'm a little more up today than previously reported, so my micro-steps are working so far.

However, the more I sort through my mess, the more I see and understand the abuse I have experienced from people I should have been able to trust, and this causes grief. With each new revelation, I don't just have to re-evaluate myself, but also those that hurt me. This is hard, but with each step forward, I'm feeling a bit of the weight lift off my shoulders. The weight is miniscule, but it's still enough to feel it happening.

--Ceara1010

Today was another slow day at work. I really hate it when it's like that. Some of the delivery guys that come to where I work to deliver say that it's great that I have days that nothing much goes on. I don't agree with that.

Been feeling pretty depressed today. A slow day. Tomorrow there's going to be a luncheon for me and a couple of other employees along with a couple of managers. Sounds nice but I am dreading it. I plan on bringing my Pepto Bismal to work tomorrow because I might need it after the lunch. One employee is the cleaning lady; and me and her are not getting along. I never liked her. She's very loud and obnoxious. The other employee is a guy who does not talk much. Both of them seem very unhappy with the way things are going at work. So the luncheon is going to be a real hoot, I guess.

Tonight it feels like I'm on a streak with one little bad thing going on after another. I took a bike ride after work, which went OK. But at dinner, my two shows that I like were not on because of a stupid hockey game. And then I went to the pool area and a woman I don't like came in. And as of now, there's a loud party going on near me. I hope that it does not go on through the night.

I try to be as positive as much as possible. I had a positive outlook and then, BAM! things go wrong. So, there goes the proof that if you remain positive, good things will happen.

I'm sorry my hockey game interrupted your tv.

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still doing good. having things to do and to look forward to helps.

I'm feeling rather depressed today. I had a friend call and asked me to come see her because she was anxious but my anxiety about driving an hour and a half kept me from going. But now I feel guilty.

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Can't sleep. I hate not sleeping.

The last few days have overall been good, except for the lack of sleep. Despite the lack of sleep I feel wide awake for the most part. This is all still new to me so forgive me if I'm not making sense.

And I sleep too much, I think. Escaping. Every medication sedates me. I seem to be made of mud.
I return here when depression breaks over me. Looking at the timing, it's about every month or so. Sometimes longer. In between, it's still there, but not flooding.

this is the time of night when i really have no one anymore.

****ing hell, we should be skyping right now... in my perfect world we would be. and that other dude just ****ed off and didn't say bye when he was done with me. no pics for him i guess. too bad he's all i can manage right now. but he just isn't my ex (it still feels weird to call him that... it's unreal...)

i just want - no, need - romance again. someone who loves me who i love in return and can talk for hours with about anything and everything. someone to share my entire being with, pure intimacy... i don't have that with anyone anymore. it hurts...

i fkin hate being single

i need someone to hold me. please.

((((((ennui))))))

Again, I feel a little more positive than yesterday. I'm pushing myself to get real regarding my perspective about myself, to not let my dysfunctional thinking hold me back. It's still a baby steps thing. But it's working.

--Ceara1010

i guess for times like these i'll just have to come up with an imaginary bf.

i'm only half kidding.

i guess i'm just not capable or worthy of being loved or wanted... i'm only writing this here because i can't bother him with it. god ****ing dammit i want him back so ****ing bad but that'll never happen. scoff.

(pleeeaase take me back. you KNOW i'll do anything)

I'm glad that the weekend is here. It will be nice to be away from work for a couple of days. It seems like lately I'm not crazy about my job. I used to love it for so long, but not anymore.

We had the luncheon today. It didn't turn out the way I thought it would. A couple of managers did not show up. So we had pizza and it was not that great.

On Sunday I plan to go to another church. I have not told my friend yet. I know that he's going to be disappointed. He has things going on for Saturday and Sunday, so I will hardly see him. I feel like I need something better than that.