Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I think today is the day I break. I don't know how I can do this anymore. Why is everything so hard?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Please get yourself some help.

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I try, but I don't know where to turn anymore. I don't feel supported in therapy, and I don't want to go to family because I've already been enough of a burden on them and they have their own problems. I don't want to do anything to myself, so I don't think this is hospital-grade crisis. I just want to give up and stay in bed.

deleted, no one cares.

Hi PsychNitrous. There's usually a good reason to stay in bed for a few days and nights. Can you do that? It might be really helpful to recharge your battery.

ETA recharge your internal battery, the one that let's you know how much more stuff you can take.

I went without a car for almost 6 years in favor of biking everywhere. It was great not having to gas, registration, etc. I loved it. But unfortunately I live in a very unbikable city now. The people here drive like maniacs and the speed limits are crazy high on every street. And this coming from someone who biked everywhere in Los Angeles. Hah!

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Well, there's the long weekend coming up for the 4th, and I think I'm already planning on staying at home for that. My struggle is work. I already have a hard time staying home when I'm physically sick, and even though I have FMLA for my depression, last week was the first full week I worked in over a month. I don't have to worry about losing my job for taking time off, but I feel so much guilt for leaving my coworkers to pick up my slack when I do.

Yes, haha. One can really get a sense of a city's general generosity by testing how bike riders are treated, especially in high traffic or weather precipitation. In NYC I didn't have a bike but the bike riders treated certain areas as their own and non negotiable. So it's also a good idea to check out how those who power walk are treated by bike riders and car drivers.

Yes, that makes sense. I used to love getting out of my apartment and I made a point of going out for some errand or just a walk everyday. I wish I still could (take a walk or something). I need to move asap and hopefully somewhere I can keep my bike for ease of taking it out easily.

I've gotten to be such a shut in. Hoping I can still turn things around.

I'm definitely turning into a shut in. I never want to go anywhere. I even used the excuse of being sick (even though I was feeling better) to not go to my parent's house for father's day. Going out triggers my anxiety, and that's built up to the point that any little trigger now sets me off. Just the smallest piece of bad news sends me spiraling to the point where I might spend the day crying.

Oh, that's so sad. Is there anything you can do for it? I cope by food binging -the kind of food no one should eat lol. And I used to cope by smoking cigarettes continually. Now I'm on my vape instead but still binging on bad food. I've been vaping 0 mg of nicotine since yesterday and now I'm craving cigarettes. I'll have to vape up this tank of Frenilla (which has no nicotine in it) so I can put some " coffee cake" in the tank which should have 18 mg of Nicotine.

I hope you'll feel a lot better just letting your mind drift while you relax for a few days.

Sometimes I just let myself cry, and that does help. It's not so easy at work, but I've been able to hide in my office and have a good cry now and then. I need some better coping skills for long-term anxiety. My pdoc gave me benzos for it, but I try to save them for when I do go out, or if I'm having a panic attack. I'm too afraid of the withdrawals to take them more often.

I used to smoke too, quit almost 3 years ago (the week after I bought my car ). I've started craving nicotine again though, so I started vaping as well. I bought a pack of cigarettes when the cravings started and found out that after so long they make me want to throw up. So I usually get juice with 3mg, it's enough in my new box that I feel it after a couple of hits. We just picked up a pink lemonade juice over the weekend. It's so sweet, I can still taste it now, and I haven't used it in almost 8 hours!

Oh, that's great that you are vaping instead of smoking cigs! :thumbup::beer: I need a nice lemonade flavor too. I've gone through about 50 ml's of mount Baker vapor freckled lemonade which is very nice. Probably I'll reorder that. I haven't been able to cry for the most part, although I cried a lot the last week of March.

Just sad memories. Living here is so difficult for getting packages, i haven't been experimenting with a lot of different flavors and companies the way I want to. I'm hoping that moving is going to be ok. I don't know. and if some crappy regulations come to be for vaping, we'll probably never be able to get a lot of flavors, and specialties.

It would be great to not have to worry about so much stuff. I used to cry and pray. I remember from my life before meds, i used to use alcohol, and tea or coffee, and I'm not at all sure how I did that. It's very worrying to read about some of these legal drugs/meds and alcohol problems.

Right now I live within 1/2 a mile, at most, of 3 different stores that sell juice. They're usually pretty empty, so I'm mostly OK going there. One of our friends who vapes brings over some good flavors that he finds too and will split bigger bottles with us.

The only time I'm not worrying is when I'm high. I smoke weed at night and on weekends. It's been daily for a lot longer than I'm really happy with, but I've struggled so much already with finding good treatment. I've only tried 2 antidepressants so far, I'm still taking one even though it hasn't affected me any. Thursday I have an appointment with a new therapist though, I'm really hoping it works out.

I don't care anymore. I'm going to be a cold ****ing ***** from now on, since that's how everyone is to me. Only I'll be better at it.

Yes, i hope that works out too. About the weed, unless they say you have to stop using it, or actually, you could not mention that you use it, and see the lay of the land with the new therapist. I don't see why using it at night and weekends is a problem. I have heard it stays in the system for a long while, though. And even though you don't feel high, maybe it's doing something or another. But looking back to when I used pot daily, i never noticed any weird side effects. I hope they won't be like the voice of doom. I haven't used in probably longer than 20 years.

I was honest with my therapist in college about my pot use, but I haven't been able to even admit to using with my current therapist. The comfort and trust just isn't there, which is one of the main reasons I want to leave her. I can smile and laugh and enjoy things when I'm high, though I do worry about how long it stays in the system. I plan on cutting back when I find some med or therapy that will do the same thing, just so I can pass a drug test if I need to.

Yes, but I never found anything that comes close to pot. I've been intrigued with trying Kratom (did I spell that right?), because now that I'm not on benzos or pain pills I have nothing at all that can help me for anxiety.

But I don't know where the best store is to buy it from. And I don't know if I could continue using it if it did help and I got addicted again or something. Anyway I at least want to try it. The anxiety can be suffocatingly impossible to try to live with. :/

I've never heard of kratom before. I'd be worried about addiction, if there is a risk from it. I like drugs that I shouldn't like too much already.

Feeling a bit low and I don't know why....

I still have 5 days before I go back to work and I'm already feeling anxious about it.

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I am feeling a bit more "up" now. Weird.

Boy did I call that. Not really looking forward to what tomorrow brings.

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It was another day being fairly busy at work. That's encouraging since it had been so slow for the past few weeks. There were some moments of irritations that I had. They were about little things.

My friend and I talked after 10PM last night. He seemed a little bit grumpy. Perhaps he was tired.

Took a bike ride after work for an hour. That's about it.

Today was alright. I slept the entire day again and I just kinda laid around. I'm talking to an old friend of mine, so that's pretty cool. It's a pretty 'meh' day. I was kinda emotional at first. But it's all good.