Constantly bored at work and home and have no hobbies.

I'm never happy where I am. I love my job and can't wait to go to work in the morning, but an hour after I'm there I can't wait to go home. Then once I get home I realize just how bored I am there and then can't wait to go to bed so I can get up and go to work and the whole cycle keeps going.

I don't have any hobbies. I read, but not a lot because I always feel I need to be doing something else productive like cleaning or straightening up. I'm my happiest when I'm sorting, or cleaning the bathroom, or vacuuming, or paying bills. I need things to be in order. I don't watch or do things I want to do because more than likely my husband will make a snide remark about "Why are you watching THAT ridiculous show?" or "Fine go out and do something without me and see if I care" when all he wants to do is sit on his computer and play video games anyways but apparently doesn't want me to go out and do anything. So I usually sit on the couch and watch a show I don't really want to watch so he won't make fun of me. And god forbid I watch an episode of something he likes without him because then he'll come out in a huff and go "WHY are you watching that without me?" Well because I can't sit and wait an hour for you to get to a stopping point in your damn video game! I literally have to wait on him before watching a show that he might like. I could be twiddling my thumbs with nothing better to do and still have to wait an hour to watch the show. I get bored and just go to bed.

Before you had depression did you have any particular hobbies that you really enjoyed?

For me, Hiking was a huge hobby that was really impacted by all this, and I have to make a big effort when I do go out to hike. I've been able to find other hobbies to keep me occupied as I have an extremely overactive mind.

I don't know that I have depression. I just know that I can be feeling fine and then my husband will snap at me over some trivial thing or make fun of my choice of something and I will immediately shut down. I will turn off the tv, not finish doing the dishes, etc and just go to bed. He can just make me feel so worthless and stupid sometimes. I didn't have a lot of hobbies before him. I was on a rec volleyball team, but have since moved and don't have many friends to join up with (besides, he'd probably get upset that I was out once a week for a few hours having fun without him!). Even when I tell him a week in advance that I have a work things after work and that I'll be a few hours late he'll say he's fine with that and to have fun. I remind him the night before about it and he says to have fun. Still thinking maybe he forgot about it (because I don't want him getting angry at me when I'm home a couple hours later than usual) I will email him at work the day of and remind him that I will be a couple hours late and his response is usually "Have fun Sweetie". I make sure to be home when I say I will because he had a blowout about me being later than I told him a few years ago which always has me on edge. I get home and he's usually all subdued because I was out having fun with coworkers when he was at home. He KNEW he couldn't come but still sulks about it. So that's why it's hard for me to do anything I really want to do because I know he will sulk or get mad at me.

Have you been to therapy at all together or has he addressed his anger problems at all from a personal perspective? Or do you think he is just either in denial or ignorance about his behavior?

No we haven't been to therapy and he always thinks he's in the right to throw these little temper tantrums. He did go to alcohol rehab last year (which did nothing as he drinks just as much as before) and we had to meet with the counselor before he could leave and even there when I told the counselor about what upset me about him (mostly the fact that he would go days and weeks without going to work) and he came back even louder saying how he hates it that I never make any decisions and would talk over me when I would try to respond. The counselor even said to him "You are overpowering your wife when you talk like that" and he was like 'Huh? What do you mean?"

I'm feeling in a very similar way.. I'm really sorry

Do you know what you plan to do? Sounds like a pretty difficult situation, my father though not an alcoholic was somewhat similar and he refused treatment which is one of the main reasons why I harbor animosity towards him.

Everyone has different thresholds, different degrees of faith in others to change, so I think it's never just black and white on how to proceed.

Developing good hobbies might help in the short term, but think first to what interests you, rather than what is acceptable to him. Your wants and needs are important!

I want so badly to volunteer at this animal sanctuary. I was scheduled to go to an orientation one Saturday in August. My husband hadn't been to work all week and promised me he'd go in that day. He didn't. I was so upset I just stayed in bed half the day and didn't go. I've thought several times about going to another orientation as they have one every month but my fear is that I'm just going to be so upset about him not going to work, which happens all the time, that I'm not going to want to be a volunteer. He's going to upset me so much that all I'll want to do is go to bed and cry and not be around other people and all I will do is stress about whether or not he's still going to have a job.

It seems that the anxiety of anticipating future angry responses from him is pretty disabling. These kinds of situations can trigger downward spirals and make matters worse. As unpleasant as it is, those are his problems which he needs to focus on, his displeasure is not a reflection of your worth or identity.

I think the animal shelter sounds like a great idea, a very admirable hobby to pursue. I hope that you are able to make the arrangements in order to have it work out.

His reactions are basically why I don't do anything. I have joined a gym several times, but always stop the membership because I'm always anxious to get home because he might not have gone into work that day and is wondering why I'm not home yet and will make some sarcastic comment about me being out with the "pool boy". Or he's getting upset that I'm leaving the house to go work out and will say "Oh you're so bored with me you need to go to the gym". If I tell him I'm going for a walk he'll sarcastically go "Ooooo, that sounds like loads of fun". If I turn off the tv and read he thinks I'm in a bad mood or being weird. He gets upset if I clean too much.

I have heard it said that we alcoholics (not speaking of you here) do not have relationships, we take hostages...and in the past I have been guilty of all the things your husband is doing. I will not try to give you advice as to what you should do, but I can tell you my wife would never have survived if I had not changed.

Hmm, anxiety seems to be the theme across a lot of what you're saying. The proclivity to want to stay inside and do nothing is certainly something that can arise from severe anxiety, especially when the trigger for that anxiety is a person who without fail shares their degrading opinions. These kinds of behaviors can further withdraw you from activities and that can make a lot of sense as you're really stressed and fatigued from the constant anxiety.

The problem with all of that is that it can lead to significant anxiety disorders as your learned behaviors which are formed through anxiety become learned in the limbic system and become unconscious habits which can really be difficult to overcome.

Do you often think about specifically what he will say whenever you think about doing something? Like when you go shopping are you very cognizant of forgetting things which might displease him, or resolve not to do something because you just know he would have a fit?

With your cleaning, would you say it is nearly compulsive for you and almost a catharsis to make something orderly? Anxiety disorders are often accompanied by compulsive behavior.

Oh I always think about what his reaction will be before I say something. I certainly have to build myself up to say certain things to him. And I never ask him to go and do stuff with me (hence his outburst to the counselor about how I never make any decisions) because I usually get the sarcastic “Ooo that sounds like fun”. If it doesn’t involve alcohol or eating, he usually doesn’t want to do it. I never go to museums or markets or hiking or anything because I know he won’t want to go and I’ll get a sarcastic response if I go with anyone else. Or he’ll tell me he’ll go but then change his mind an hour beforehand (because he never wanted to go in the first place). Or, if he does go, he'll act all bored and go "Well you should be happy I came and got you out of the house." When grocery shopping I overthink the brands of stuff I should buy because he’ll throw a fit if I bring home $1.99 Ragu sauce rather than the $3.50 Bertolli. Yet if he’s there with me (which is maybe 2 times a year!) he’ll pick out the cheapest thing and I’ll go “I thought you always want to buy quality” and he’ll go “Well yeah for certain things, but not this”. So I often have the quandry on what brand to get and usually spend the extra money so I don’t have to hear him whine about it. If someone asks me to go do something with them, which is rare anyways, I usually come up with some excuse because telling him I’m going out for the day will probably upset him and the sarcasm will flow.

As far as the cleaning goes, I’ve always been a neat freak. As a child I would dump things on the floor and then sort them by color or size, for fun. I never had a messy room. I can’t stand it when there’s two eggs left in the container and they are at opposite ends, I have to fix it.

I'm sorry you are so frustrated with your life the way it is...

Has his negative reactions also increased your negative self-talk, do you struggle with that as well?

Does he have any interests of his own, does he afford himself latitude and personal freedom to explore his hobbies or has become a bit of a recluse as well with his alcohol problems? I've observed in many men that they can become really isolated and angry, having very few friends, few hobbies and major emotional issues which lead to erratic and abusive behavior. I found that I was never really prepared growing up to manage my emotions, and as an INFJ I have pretty powerful emotions in addition to having my own psychological baggage (PTSD, Depression, etc.).

With depression I found that boredom becomes a big problem because nothing, even the things you once found enjoyable, become almost neutral stimuli. The lack of enjoyment of food can lead to eating problems, and the anxiety of leaving the house and being around people can cause isolation which can in more severe cases lead to Agoraphobia ("agora" Greek for marketplace), which my grandmother suffered from when she didn't leave her property for over a decade.

The problems we end up facing usually were instantiated through thousands of tiny reactions and behaviors through which our emotional systems learn and adapt and of course can become dysfunctional. My hope is that you'd continue coming here and seek out help at least for yourself if your husband is not willing to seek therapy or rehab for his issues.

He has hobbies, most of which is playing video games, but he also plays guitar, races motorcycles, works on motorcycles. He keeps telling me that I need to get a hobby. Yeah, and if I do you'll probably make fun of it. I always wanted to make a terrarium so I put 3 together after I took a class a few months ago. It's not something I would ever do again. I've often thought about taking a jewelry-making or ceramics class but talk myself out of it because I'll probably fail at it or won't want to keep going. Thought about buying my own glass fusing kit to make things but figure I'll probably use it once and never again. I THINK about doing a lot of things but always talk myself out of them with either, "I'll never do it more than once so it's a waste of money" or "H will probably make fun of me for doing it".

The beliefs that you have about yourself when you talk yourself out of doing something, how valid would you say they are? How truthful would you say they represent the likely outcome? Or would you say that those negative beliefs about the outcomes of pursuing what you love are more based in anxiety?

I went skiing this past winter and did terrible. People looking at me when I couldn't get up from falling down when I took a group class with a friend and nobody offering to help. That was so embarrassing. I never wanted to take the class but went with her anyways. I hate one on one teaching because I always do bad. So a small 6 person jewelry or sculpture class would stress me out as I would probably be the only one screwing up. I already feel like people look at me strangely when I introduce myself to them already figuring just how weird I am.

It sure does! I can't even cut up a carrot without stressing out or freezing when he walks into the room because most likely he'll tell me that I need to use a different knife or I should cut it a certain way and then he'll take it away from me and show me the "correct" way to do it. I never used to think twice about how I was cutting up vegetables before I met him. Then when I get upset that he's doing that he goes "I'm just trying to help you out". Help what??

He was out in the garage with his air compressor and asked me to go and unplug his keyboard and bring it out so he could get all the gunk out from in between the keys because he was in the middle of something. I went to unplug it and sure enough he drops what he was doing (even though he asked ME to do it so he wouldn't have to!) and comes in because he thought I wasn't able to do that simple task without screwing it up. Boy, I sure showed him I knew how to unplug that keyboard!

Was it your first time skiing? Most people are pretty awful the first several times, and it can sure be embarrassing to be among those learning and falling over themselves. I remember how awkward I was when I first started, had to jump off of the ski lift because I was too nervous to get off. haha

The truth of the matter is that we're all weird, human beings are curious creatures, especially civilized ones.

I always liked the Jim Carrey quote though, “I learned many, many lessons from my father, but not least of which is that you can fail at something you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance doing what you love.”

Failure is an inevitability, we are mortal beings, but that also means that we just have this one life. Recognizing that we can have a life of failure where we feel like a stranger in our own skin, to me brings to light the realization that committing to living a full life where risks are taken is always worth it. I've always had a fear that I would wake up and be 80 years old realizing that I had drifted through life and wasted my time here. That fear drives the other fears away in moments of clarity.

From the sound of it, it seems like there is almost his voice in your head always criticizing what you're doing. As if even when he doesn't provide that negative reinforcement, you do so yourself by simulating his responses, even in anticipation of an action.

How much of what he says about you do you think is actually true concerning you? Do you recognize that he is speaking from his own insecurities and anger, or do you easily find reasons to vindicate his or your own negative talk?