Thanksgiving alone

I'm very depressed tonight. I actually thought I was going to enjoy the holidays this year. Not now. My one sister (J) called and wanted to reschedule things for Thursday so now we are changing everything due to her. (based on her husbands health condition)

They don't care if the new time doesn't work for me. They never do. And they would have NEVER changed things if it was something that I had requested. But for other family members, we change entire events around to fit their needs.

We have also changed things to accomodate an out of town sister as well. For HER (M), they have actually changed our celebration of xmas to a week ahead of time. This is because she wanted to come visit us here and then be back to her home (in another state) on xmas day. So for her, we actually move xmas to accomodate when she'll be here.
That means that on the ACTUAL xmas day and eve, I spend it alone while the others are with their families. Do they care that, due to the fact that them moving it makes me spend the actual holiday all alone? Not at all.

I called my sister (K) who is hosting Thanksgiving to tell her I won't be there due to the change. I told her how things would have never been changed for me like they do for other family members. She attackingly asked me why would they need to change things for me...as in what cause would I have? (she sounded like she was putting me on trial)

I didn't answer her because I was getting upset. I told her nevermind. I knew she didn't get it.

I then told her that did she realize that I was going to a counselor due to some things she said/did to me a few months ago? How when I was severely depressed and needed someone to talk to because of a guy who treated me horribly, she turned me away. Not only did she turn me away but she knew I had no one else to go to. She told me that she had problems too and how dare I act like mine are any worse. (making me feel guilty for reaching out for help)

I was basically pleading for someone to just talk to/listen to me and she was shutting the door and I hadn't bothered her with any problems before either. (because I never felt that I could)
Finally after feeling so cast aside by her, I told her that mine was a matter of life or death (and I know that she knew that due to her pushing me aside, I was becoming suiciidal).
Her response was "Well, I hope you choose life. I'll say a prayer for you." (this was all via email...she would't bother to pick up the phone to call)

So today on the phone with her about the Thanksgiving thing, I mentioned that I've had to go to a counselor about what transpired with her a few months ago and when I told her this today......she didn't care.
When I told her how hurt I was by it (and I was crying on the phone today), she was very unemotional and matter of fact.

She didn't care whatsoever.

Then I called a hotline and things got worse.......

Hi shattered, welcome to PsychCentral.

It sure is hard when you are "local" and families don't pay as much attention to you because you're just "there" all the time. I had that happen with me too; my stepmother always paid more attention to her daughter and daughter's children and their needs than to me after I grew up but before I married. I still go to my stepsister's for Christmas dinner but don't see her or her family the rest of the year.

The one they are changing things around for is a local sister. When she found out the time wouldn't work for me she said "Well maybe we'll see you there later on."

Even thought I'm local, they never see me the rest of the year. This is how much they care if they see me or not. Most have not seen me since last year.

But aside from all of that, my sister who is hosting it couldn't care less about what she did to me a few months ago. Because of this, I just cant' show up.

I am severely depressed but I just read on here that you can't post about suicidal feelings.

Last night, after that happened, I called some hotlines. here's what happened:

I told the guy I was very depressed and that I found out I'm going to have to spend Thanksgiving alone (while my family celebrates). When I stopped talking he was silent. When I asked for comments he started asking me about other things such as if I was planning on staying up late. When I asked him if he heard what I had said earlier he said yes..then silence. So I asked if he had any comments. He asked how I felt about the that other stuff. I said that if I had friends that I could call or see on Thanksgiving it wouldn't be so bad. He said "why don't you have any friends?".

This made me feel much worse and I told him. He asked why that made me feel worse.
I told him that when I called there once before I'd gotten a guy who said something similar and that my counselor said that was not a good way for them to talk to a person at all. He said "then why did you calling back here?" I told him because my counselor said to try again and maybe you'll get a person that is better. Then he said "well you must not be getting something from your counselor for you to have to keep calling here."

That's when I said: "wow......I can't believe what I'm hearing."

I got off the phone with him and I called a different hotline. The woman sounded very nice and compassionate and was easy to talk to. I liked her. I told her about my experience on the last hotline too.
After about five mins. another line rang and she put me on hold. I was on hold for over 10 mins and finally I hung up. It was apparent that she didn't have the time for me....no fault of hers. Once again, just bad luck for me.

I called that hotline back and got another woman. She said she had no idea who I had been speaking with. She was very businesslike and every other word out of her mouth was "ma'am" and it sounded very condescending...as in "Look ma'am.....I'm trying to help you ma'am.......ma'am, could you tell me your reason for calling........ma'am....."

I got off the phone with her and just gave up.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope now. I can't post here though because I just read that you can't post about these things.

Welcome to PC. Holidays and family dynamics can make them so hard. I am sorry that your family is making you feel insinignificant and uncared for. I am sorry your sister won't discuss your relationship which is causing you so much distress. I hope you are talking to your counselor about your strong feelings. If you are feeling that you have urges that are dangerous to you please find help immediately. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad.

BB

Oh, wow, what a really unhelpful hotlines (heavy sarcasm alert). I only use to call them when I was between counselors and didn't know how to get another one. I once actually went to training to work on a hotline but couldn't deal with that :-)

It's awhile until Thanksgiving, something might change? Don't give up your hold on the end of that rope yet, as the really lame cliche goes, "tie a knot in it and hang on."

What would help with making you feel better? I think were I in your shoes I'd work at "not caring" about my sisters this year. Do you have any nieces/nephews? I use to have mine to my apartment and even took my oldest one to university with me when I was doing summer school once and all that helps a little now with when I see them with their children at Christmas. Things truly get better the older you get.

shattered....

there probably isn't one of us in this forum who can't understand what you've described.. that is not to diminish that it's happening to you, and happening right now...

what makes me in particular uncomfortable, is when someone posts that "in the next few mins i'm going to blank and blank myself..." there is no way we can physically stop you...

but to describe that you feel that badly... in some way that we can connect to the level of pain you feel is acceptable... we have all been there... there is an elephant in this room... but we are all very aware of it already...

i hope you begin to feel better soon...

im sorry you are feeling bad at this time, if phoning these hotlines isnt helping try to find diferant ways of unloading these feelings
here is a good place, or try a journal plz try to keep your self busy and do not worry what your other family members are doing, if you cant make it for the whole of thanksgiving try to either go for an hour
or what about voulntering at a shelter giving your time might make you feel better about your self rather than listing to your familys problems

if you have nieces and nephews why not take them out for some fun its surprising being around children can make us forget our problems for a short while

((((((((((((((((((((((((shattered))))))))))))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Shattered}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm well acquainted with the things that are going on in your life right now. It's not fair. It's not right. It IS painful. But...

I'm sure that your depression is making it feel 100X worse that it really is. Been there, done that. Depression lies to us so horribly and we believe it. We swallow what it tells us hook, line and sinker.

Something else you need to be careful of us "blank and white" thinking; all or nothing. It always isn't so... what we tell ourselves; things like "always" and "never". It may seem absolute, but maybe it isn't, ya know?

For more information on Cognitive Distrotions, go the the Psychology forum. There's a sticky at the top of the forum that gives them to you. I believe now there are explanations to go with them.

Is there really something that physically stops you from going to the Thanksgiving dinner that everyone is going to? Don't let your feelings get the best of you and stop you from going. If you can't make it at the time set, then show up when you can. It's not the same, but at least you'll share in a bit of the festivities.

On Thanksgiving Day, go to your parents house whether there is a dinner or not. You don't HAVE to be alone on that day.

Check out those Cognitive Distortions. Try and work at least the Black and White thinking. Fight back that depression! Don't listen to it. Things are difficult enough as they are.

Hang in there and keep posting, ok?

It sounds like you are the invisible child. That has to be the most painful one. Don't punish yourself because they've changed the holiday schedule. Go if you want to, but don't just react to them. Choose what is best for you.

If sounds like your sister isn't ever going to apologize to you. She's probably too messed up to help you. It isn't fair, but it's easier once you realize that you're probably the sane one in your family. (Have you figured that one out yet?)

What the hot line people did to you was unforgivable.

You are the one who reached out for help by coming here. The others in your family don't even know how miserable they are. Respect yourself, because you deserve it.

Stay connected to us. I think we all may be able to get each other through these awful holidays.

Shattered1 I hope Thanksgiving will turn around for you. I can understand your pain. I don't have any advice to give or words of wisdom, I just wanted you to know I cared. No-one should be dismissed in their time of need, no matter what. My heart reaches out to you and I hope knowing that people do care warms your heart in your time of despair.

Shattered,
I can so relate to what you are saying. My family treats me the same way. It's incredibly hurtful. I just don't understand that kind of lack of compassion, but just know that there are people in this world who do understand, and who do feel compassion for you, even if these people aren't family.
I wish I had a family who wanted to see me and cared about me, but I don't. I'm just beginning to come to terms with that. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope, but I'm going to find a way because I will not give my family the satisfaction of reaping the sympathy and compassion that they have denied me by ending my own life. They are not worth it.
Know that sometimes, during the rough parts of our lives, self-love is the only kind of love some of us will have, but don't lose hope. Love comes from many sources. It's not coming from your family, but there are other sources. You have compassion and understanding on this board. Take that, love yourself, get through this holiday mess, and understand that mean people suck, so try not to care what they think. It's hard, but the more you can do it, the less miserable they can make you.