[Taonuviel]

It's not a medicine problem, I'm sure. That's working - my thoughts aren't stuck, I can feel happy at some things - the (unlikely) prospect of my out-of-state friend moving here, a pretty, sunny morning - and I have energy available if I had motivation to use it. That's working.

But reality's set back in. The truth is my life has been nothing but loneliness, hurt, and disappointment. People can't believe that, there's got to be something good, right? The things that were good for a while just hurt me in the end, and that's what I expect everything to do. I can't hope for otherwise.

Fact is, I'm underdeveloped emotionally-socially. Oughta be no big deal, but I can't function and the loneliness is too much. The things that could maybe be worth living for, to me, are unattainable. Life's not worth living without meaningful friend/relationships; working for my own gain is pointless, living to serve others is noble but too hard running on empty emotionally. The more-or-less possibility of someday being whole is too uncertain and far away, and simply isn't worth the work, pain, and time it would take when I don't really want to live as it is. I want this all to end, I think I may even want death.

It used to matter to me how it would affect others, but now I really don't care. They'd just have to accept it and get over it, especially my family. My family either caused(mom) or could have prevented(dad, rest) the isolation and manipulation that got me here, but let it happen. I've worked to please or help others since I was 9 and it's only hurt me, it's time I do what I want without concern for anyone else.

I don't know what's keeping me from doing it as it is. I think part of it is this idea of total hopelessness hurts so much, I wish I could talk with someone and have them give me some hope or comfort, even understand why I believe this is my only option and say it's ok. Not that I want someone to tell me to do this, but I want someone to tell me I'm not a horrible, selfish person if I do it.

I wish there were another option, but I can't see any. I don't know what I'll do... I just need to express how I feel... I wish there was hope.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[SeptemberMorn]

There is ALWAYS hope, Tao! It may not feel like it but there's a spark in you yet! Otherwise, you wouldn't have posted or come on the site.

If your social development is arrested, then find something to do with children. Anything from volunteering to an actual paying job. Let the children lead you. Learn from them. Play children's games. When my therapist was teaching me feelings, she sent me to a child psychologist! Yes, a Child Psychologist and this girl gave me a sand box to play with and a box full of toys like houses, trees, cars, swing sets, etc., and with little people; women, men, kids and guess what I found?? A Tasmanian Devil! That's what I chose to be as Me! I played like a little boy plays with cars and acted out some feelings that were strange to me then I was asked to identify them. The play was just as theraputic as the identifying of emotions.

You have a chance to recapture your childhood and grow from it... or "grow up" socially. I still become a child when my grandkids are around. I totally forget that I'm 60 yrs old when I'm around them and for the first time in my life, I can play dolls with my granddaughter and cars with the boys. My logical mind comes into play when I see things getting out of hand or they try to do something dangerous. Heck! I'm still learning to be a child! My kids were and still are at times, more like playmates than offspring!

I'm no stranger to allienation and manipulation, Hun. My perpetrator, my grandmother, once told me as my mother did, that they wanted to keep me under glass on the mantelpiece!! Because they loved me and wanted to keep me safe?? Not hardly! Like I said, my grandmother was my perpetrator and my mother could have stopped her but she didn't because she didn't have the courage to confront her "saintly mother"!! I never had any friends growing up. I'd have them for a while until they got to know me and how selfish and willful I was! No social skills. Wasn't allowed to go to sleep overs or just go for the day. If someone, by some strange coincidence wanted me to go play at their house, NO WAY! They had to come to mine and then we'd be watched by my grandmother constantly! The kids were safer going home!! I wasn't allowed to date (I snuck out of the house), I wasn't allowed to go to school functions, and all the friends I might have made were judged as "*****s" by my mom, even the girls from church; because they wore makeup!

Consequently, I married the first guy that asked me. What I did was jump from the frying pan into the fire! If I thought I had been "protected" at home, it was worse with him! But that's another story.

There IS hope for you! I didn't realize what a crappy childhood I had until I went into therapy at 45 or so. Don't waste the years I did! Don't give up, don't stop! Even if you take very tiny steps, <font color=red>don't give up!</font color=red> You've got a lot to make up for! Don't let your parents mistakes become yours! Don't you perpetuate the harm they caused! Don't you believe their lies that you are worthless! You are a child of the King, therefore a princess! Embrace the Grace that you are gripped by and do what you know you need to do. Instead of hearing in your mind all the negative things your parents said/say to you, listen to the Inner Voice that says "Well done, good and faithful child!"

<center></center>




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Taonuviel]

Thanks... I just don't know. I don't believe life can be good. I feel entirely empty and overwhelmed, I can't face what I'm dealing with.

Oh children... I'm scared of them. I couldn't bear working with them, I've tried it before as a required part of a different ministry, and it drives me crazy - seriously. I'd get minor anxiety attacks, overwhelmed to tears, and self-injury/suicidal impulses. But therapy-wise I'm probably set, my T works mostly with children and adolescents, just a few adults, I originally saw her 3 years ago as an adolescent, so seeing her now makes sense.

I have so much stress right now, with no really good reason to continue. And so trapped at the moment, because if I told anyone in person how not-safe I am I'd probably have to go back to the hospital, which would keep me from finishing my coursework and the necessary financial prep to attend college in a month, which I don't really even want to do but it's my only option because I have to live on campus to get out of my house. But I don't want to live, anyway! I don't want to hold on or fight anymore, nothing could be worth this.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[(JD)]

Hey tao from one depressed person to another...

maybe it's not a medicine PROBLEM maybe it's a lack of medicine?

this thinking is not because you are thinking normally I know because I recognize it as depression thinking/talking

please talk with your MD and see about trying out sone of the medicines available... I would want such an important decision as to end your life to made as a fully conscious one, wouldn't you?

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

I agree 200% with Sky! It's definitely depression talking... and lying to you. Life IS worth living and fighting for!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Taonuviel]

I'm on medicine, which is why I can think and be momentarily happy. It picked up my thinking abilities amazingly. On full doses, too; 20mg Lexapro, 450mg Welbutrin XL.

I emailed my T... here's hoping she doesn't call the police the moment she reads it.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...
<div class="foot">(Edited by Taonuviel on 07/28/04 06:23 PM.)</div>

[(JD)]

ok well... sometimes meds need to be changed...

and your T should call YOU first

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[nightdream]

I have no words to support you but I understand where you are and I care.

Sending love and hugs your way!
nightdream

[Taonuviel]

Thanks... and thanks Sky and SeptemberMorn, too... I appreciate your replies.

No word yet from my T... hope she doesn't wait until tonight to check her email, haven't emailed her before so I don't know.

Heh, I'm so indecisive. I've prepared myself for anything today - which to me looks like this; stalled death(hospital, which may set me hopeful for a while but will probably end with me back to this spot), delayed death(no decision today, which I'm not sure I can deal with, think I need to make a decision today), or death. Life isn't really an option... I've never really lived as it is, felt pretty dead most my life - since I see life as more than physically being alive - so it seems logical for my lifeless life to end without experiencing life, in which case what's the point of continuing to live lifelessly? It hurts too much and I'm too tired/overwhelmed to push on aimlessly.

So anyway, to speak nothing of the other options, I'm all packed in case I end up in the hospital again... and I think too much. Especially because I've figured a way to sneak something in to maintain my options... I'm way too good at planning things. I figure I'd be trying to think of other ways, anyway, so at least this way I'm not wasting my time contemplating/collecting possibilities, I'll have something set aside, and I think that would allow me to think of things other than death methods. Maybe I'll even be able to focus enough to do some schoolwork I've packed. Also packed phone numbers... heck, I may be more productive in there than out. :-| Although I'd miss more work/income I need... can't have it all though, right? And what's that matter if I'm dead otherwise? Heh, this line of thought seems comical to me at the moment!

But packing in case I don't choose suicide yet seems like an odd idea. As is how it's one month exactly from when I went out to kill myself and ended up driving to the hospital instead. What's with the timing?

There's no good answers to this stuff.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[SeptemberMorn]

Tao, I don't really believe that you want to end it. You have too many plans for the future and are aware of some of your responsibilities. It's your depression talking and I'm wondering if you're really listening.

You need attention and that's what you're asking for. I'm thinking you're taking on your parents' guilt and making it your own. Let go of that for a moment and tell us what you really want us to do for you.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Taonuviel]

Man... that post was really inappropriate, I'm so sorry, it was really dumb of me to post it. Not in a "beat myself up" sort of way, but as "what was I thinking?" Wish I could delete it! There's no reason for me to say that stuff on here... and I'm sorry about this attention-seeking, I really try not to do that, I hate looking like I'm just looking for attention.

What do you mean by really listening? :-\ I am really trying to assess what I'm thinking and seeing and what others are saying, but it's hard to conclude anything. One thing I know for sure, I want this hurt to stop. And I feel that I can't handle the things I'm facing now. I want an easy way out, have that chance, and would be willing to do it. But... what? I really want to feel loved, worthwhile, wanted, accepted... I'd hate to leave so alone. But I try to look at what's possible in the future and can't imagine having those things, just functioning somewhat better but still lonely, and living in mediocrity, and probably repeatedly ending up back at this place. I don't think I can change enough to have those things, and those are all I'd live for, I don't care about working for or getting things, or achieving a degree or some other recognition, or experiences, or having kids and family... those mean nothing to me. I guess it makes sense, right? Those feelings/concepts are basic psyche needs, I could probably venture to say a person can't live without those just like a person can't live without having basic physical needs met.

That's what's holding me back, the desire to still hope to feel those things in life. But that's not something I can find here, and something I can't really let myself hope to ever find. As for coming here... people will "listen" and understand... and that's some comfort, more than thinking it alone. At the same time, though, I hate saying this stuff, it's emotional and can concern people, and I don't want to do that.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[gloria]

Your post is ok, don't feel like you shouldn't have. Sometimes while we post we vent, and that is very needed. I'm glad you let your heart out here, where is safe to do it.

Take care of yourself, and remember we trully care and respect your feelings (many of us).

gab

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((Taonuviel))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

Tao, if you can't say these things here, where can you say them? Yes, we understand. Yes, we've been where you're at now. Those of us who have made it out of the hole are here to tell you that you can, too, Sweety!

Again, I think it's not only your depression talking for you, it's also all the abuse and neglect that you received while growing up. You're parents actions convinced you that you weren't good enough to hope to live a normal life. It seems to me that there is nothing that really interests you. You don't dare to hope for anything! That is wrong thinking! I'll put it in simpler terms than I did the last time. God made you and God don't make no junk! You have a purpose in life and you are entitled to enjoy your life!

If the meds are working to a point now, keep talking to your dr and tell him you're still too negative. He can adjust the meds so that you have as complete a recovery as possible. You're not there yet! You're only at the beginning! Don't give up!

I think what I meant was "are you really listening to the depression." You don't sound like you really and truly want to check out. You still have a flicker of hope when you talk about needing to get through school. Those are plans for the future, don't you see?

In no way did I mean to offend you by saying that I think you're looking for attention. Please believe me! That is what I sense in your posts. You have needs that need to be met and you're crying out for help. When I was suicidal, I didn't dare tell those that really needed to know. I told everyone else in a twisted, subconcious wish that they would go to the person I wanted to hurt as bad as I'd been hurt, but at the same time, hoping that this same person would come to his senses and recognize my needs. It's impossible! They don't have it in them to recognize either your needs or their faults! Otherwise, they wouldn't have done what they did. It's also especially difficult to admit that you've hurt one of your own children. They have to believe that they have always been right.

Soon, that's going to be in your past. You will finish school and get a job. You'll be on your own. It's time to undo what your parents did to you and make of yourself what you were put on this earth for. There's no way of knowing right now what that is. Sometimes it's revealed to us as we walk on the road of our own journey. But mark my word! You have a purpose in this life! I think deep down you know it!

Please don't stop talking to us and by no means feel sorry that you started this thread. That's what this site is for and that's why it's so heavily populated! Some of us are here to help because we understand and some of us are here to get help because we know others understand and can give help. Most of us are here for both.

Please know that I have much emotional investment in you. Usually, I'm a good judge of character, etc. It's my gut feeling that you have much to offer and there's no doubt in my heart and mind that you can come out of this victorious!

<font color=red>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{<font color=blue>Tao</font color=blue>}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</font color=red>





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Taonuviel]

Thank you. And I'm not offended! It's fine, not so much my intention, but a part of it.
"You have a purpose in this life! I think deep down you know it!" You're right... somewhere I know God has a plan for me, though I tend to think I'm more likely to ruin it than reach it. Even with suicide thoughts I sometimes wonder, even think it's probable, that God would intervene if I tried it. I mean, I don't think He'd continue to intervene if I repeatedly forced the issue and turned my back on Him... but I have this suspicion He wouldn't let me succeed if I had tried it in that blind depression a month ago or impulsively from being overwhelmed. I sometimes even think I see a glimpse of His plan, of what all this may be for, of what He's trying to do in me. But it's still so hazy, and seems like an illusion so often.

Had I looked at what I'm writing now Tuesday night I'd have pushed it all aside as something lost and hopeless, and I know that time will come again, it'd surprise me if not tomorrow. I guess stuff's coming up fresh and painful again, realizing more of what's happened and how it's affected me, and that seems like an impossible barrier between me and the world. I have no idea how I could change as much inside as it would take, this is my personality, so much of who I am. And I continue to doubt I could ever reach God's purpose - heh, that would be hoping which, yeah, I can't let myself do. When I've hoped for things I've been disappointed, not hoping is much easier and leaves me nothing to beat myself up over.

I really don't care about college... the only reason I'm going is to get out of my house, that and I'd have to start paying my loans if I don't. Preparing for that goes with my feeling that I wouldn't succeed in suicide, so I need a plan in that case. It's not hope... it's dread, college work is even more stress and requires too much brainpower. Besides all the new people and again trying to be at least a tolerable roommate - which was a miserable experience for all involved before.
I don't think I'm hoping for anything... but I'd rather not admit it to myself if I am, then I'd just have to beat myself up over hoping for it when I see it not happen. :-| I know, I'm way too much of a pessimist... but that's how it turns out, really.

Never heard from my T today, don't think she got/read my email, but I'm not concerned about it now. I'm not nearly so suicidal. And I'll just have to call someone if(when) that changes.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[SeptemberMorn]

Really glad to see that you're a bit more positive. Some of the obstacles you see before you seem impossible, but it's just your present perspective. As you get better, they'll seem more probable.

If you see a part of God's plan in your life, then keep your eye on that and don't try to second guess Him. He'll let you see as much as you need to see at any given time. Whether you believe that God gives you tests to increase your endurance or not, He definately uses our trials and turns them into good.

Above all, remember that He created us with free will. He lets us make our own choices. It's true that He doesn't give us anymore than we can handle, but we've got to be careful to not give ourselves more than we can handle.

Right now, just take one day, one moment at a time. Baby steps can get frustrating but they are the surest.

Know that there IS someone "out there" that not only understands but cares that you make it though this dark tunnel out into the light. My prayers are with you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Keep talking to me, keep posting, ok?





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>