Having scary thoughts

Aww bluesy sorry if there is a delay - some of us live in different parts of the world and so don't get on at the same time as you guys in the US and at others, well sometimes it is hard to post a reply because either words won't work or we don't know what to say because we are struggling ourselves.
But that does not mean that we don't care a lot!! Of course we do, just be patient with us - i try hard to come here and post but sometimes i can only read because i feel my words are useless.
I wish i could fix everything for you, believe me if i could i would do it for you right now, as i would for everyone on this site but sometimes all i can really offer is to listen. I understand so much that things are hard for you, the pain in your posts is evident but i fear there isn't a quick fix. Sometimes to get the best results we have to put in the time and effort. Maybe in the short term there are good and bad ways to help ourselves which i'm sure people on here can help you with, but for long term benefits it may take a lot of work and dedication - but there is an way out - believe me!!
I know this isn't what you want to hear, when i get told this i get angry and frustrated because it doesn't seem fair that not only have i struggled up till now i have to struggle more to help myself. Why can't someone else just do it for me??! But unfortunately i am learning all these people are right. There is a lot of support and help out there for you but i'm afraid it is only you that can change things.
What methods have you used so far? Have you changed anything about your lifestyle, e.g. joining a new activity, doing charity work? I know it sounds silly but honestly these things will help but you have faith that it will.

Please continue posting here, also try reading around other people's posts so you can see what other people are trying to overcome, and maybe from that you can gain courage and belief that you can feel better and that you are not alone struggling. The people on this site i have found care immensely, we all support each other at one time or another - maybe around you will find someone you relate to and can simply post a few words to them. Knowing just a few words could potentially help someone will give you a sense of worth. And you deserve to feel that because you are a nice, kind guy. Remember that!!

Is there something specific we can talk about? Still listening. Still caring. Don't give up. There will be an answer, somehow. You can find redemption no matter what.

I am here and i am 'listening' I just have nothing to say that can make things better and anytime I say something, it seems to be the wrong thing to say. Just know you aren't yelling at a wall, I hear you and commiserate. melanie

Melanie, you're not the first person to say that. That anytime you say something, it seems to be the wrong thing to say. That seems to be how everyone feels about talking to me.

I always like to quote people when I'm talking about my feelings, just to make sure they aren't all introspection, because I know I'm not very fit to be engaging in that right now. So, I'll quote my ex girlfriend here, from before we were entirely in the relationship.

"You say you like me, but somehow you're still unapproachable, I'm afraid I might say something stupid or do the wrong thing around you. And you say that look you igve me is one of mild admiration, yet it scares me and I feel like I'm constantly being judged."

The relationship with this woman ended terribly, with something I'm only willing to discuss if you PM me, and which even in that case is a sensitive subject. Her second to final words to me were:

"I'm not sure I'm ever going to be comfortable around you."

And her final words: "I can't do this anymore. You're just insane, that's the only way I can explain this. I can't be with someone who I can't be happy around."

I quote this woman because for one, I had a dream last night that I ran into her again. And two, because what Melanie said reminded me of how people usually feel about me, and this woman is the main other person who outwardly said that.

That's the thing, I don't know how to warm up to people. I can't seem to make people comfortable around me, but I think it's mainly because I'm never going to be comfortable around them.

The best people in my life are the ones I don't seem to scare. But the ones who aren't intimidated by me, and don't think I'm "creepy," are the ones that I find it hardest to deal with. They're a few of my friends, but they're also the people who always confuse me about their thoughts of me.

For example, the young woman I think I'm in love with right now... I think more about how close I am to losing her friendship, than how I can move towards gaining her love.

I'm not a hermit, I interact with people. But it's always on a shallow level. I don't know how to truly secure myself in a friendship or a romantic relationship. I think each person has a minimum distance, a distance people will always be away from them, some are smaller than others. People speak of a "personal space bubble," I'm sure you've heard the term.

I think everyone's "personal space bubble," has different radii on both a physical and emotional level. Some people choose their own radial length, but I seem to have had it chosen for me, and it's a long one. I'm scared to death when people enter my emotional or physical bubble, as soon as they do I get anxious about how to keep them there, or what their purpose is in being there.

I don't know what to do because I'm down and it's like I subconsciously refuse to let anyone know about it.

How are you bluesguy??
I'm sorry i cannot form a coherent response to your last post but my mind has been kidnapped it seems.

But i am thinking about you and hoping you are safe.
Remember you're a nice guy!

Sending you thoughts and prayers.

I would like it very much if someone actually could come up with a response to my last post.

i just think the important thing is to find faith in the idea that all will get better eventually bluesguy... there's struggles now and its hard trying to find your lighted way out, but it happens, and sometimes i know i am the one who is too impatient..

all things happen for a reason, and all good things happen in their own time...

ive found when i try to 'push' for an outcome, often its not the outcome i would have wanted...

as ive been told by wise others.. if it doesn't seem to happen of its own will, perhaps its not meant to be..

but that shouldnt invalidate your wants or hopes.. just not time? ... not the right girl? ... still more work to be done before you're ready for that kind of commitment?

for me, its always faith.. when i am ready, what i want will present itself....

Bluesguy, I think your post is hard to respond to because it's so specific. I feel like I'd almost need to know you in real life to have a truly valuable response. That said, here's what your post left me thinking.

You don't seem to have the emotional tools you need to make a serious relationship, friendly or romantic, work. This isn't your fault. But something like that takes a lot of work to fix. As I recall, you're in therapy and I'm glad as that's the best place to gain the emotional skills you'll need. I say emotional skills/tools because I don't think your problem is social. It seems you handle social situations fine. It's emotional intimacy that gets messy for you. You want/need to let people in but once they're there you don't sound like you know what to do. It also sounds like you're extremely worried about getting hurt by those you let in.

But hey, that's all just what was in my head. The main thing I think is to work on these issues in therapy. The problem seems complex enough that it's going to take a professional to help you unravel it.

I'm sorry if this wasn't helpful and I'm sorry you're struggling.

Cyran0

Cyrano, you're right. I really like it when you guys talk to me because it opens my mind to things that I probably already knew, but were stuck in my subconscious mind because I don't want to believe any of them are true.

Anyway, my last post was rather specific, so I understand that it's tough to respond to if you can't find the generalities behind it.

And just to update you guys since Cyrano at least noticed, I'm not in therapy anymore. I crossed the state line and went to a pretty reputable mental hospital after I posted that scary stuff here, and after I went on a drinking binge and flipped out. Therapy didn't work out though.My theapist said, "If I were the girl, I'm not sure I"d be inclined to be in a relationship with you." Anyway, his whole demeanor was condescending the entire time, and then that, so I punched him in the face and was taken to a higher security area until I calmed down, at which point I left without permission.

I know, I'm tough to deal with. And I honestly feel like I'm making people afraid to respond to me, since everyone's posts seem to begin and/or end with some kind of unnecessary apology in case they weren't helpful enough.

I think it is an overall social issue that I have, I've always had various issues anyway. I don't want to act like the relationship issue is the only one, we've been talking about that a lot lately. But the problem there is that I think a relationship would help fix my other problems, a relationship with this specific woman, but there's a catch: as many of you have said, I probably can't/shouldn't have the relationship until I change.

i'm afraid too and quit my job. i just couldn't concentrate and my co-workers didn't know what i was going to be that day. if you quit try for disability. that is what we have, an illness. puckyjan56

Hey bluesguy - my head is more together today...at least i think it is. Can i ask if you have looked around this site at some of the other posts? You said that you like it when we talk to you as it opens your mind - i really think reading around will do this also. So try.

Regarding your first post. What that last gf said is quite harsh to be honest. I guess she must have felt fairly close to you to feel she was able to say that! Or...my english reservedness is showing through!

Have you any thoughts on why you may scare people? Is it because you are too scared to let them in, so everything they interpret is actually the opposite? When i was younger i was very aggressive generally but i learnt that my anger was actually defensiveness, i hated what people said because it made me feel even more rubbish than i already did. I had to break down that barrier and the only way i could do that was actually to show my weakness. Instead of being angry, i thought about why i was angry about the specific thing, dealt with it as far as i could, attempted to make some changes, but also ultimately take a few risks! Because letting people in is scary! It is for everyone!

You remember what she said pretty clearly, it has obviously affected you quite a lot. Prehaps this is where some of the hurt comes from, prehaps this is the trigger into your depression period. Prehaps for the first time you had to accept what you were doing to intergrate socially and realised that maybe some things you were doing were not the best coping method. Only guessing of course.

Is the reason you feel you will never be comfortable around people because you are always putting on a mask? Always being someone you're not? I wouldn't be comfortable doing that either, i guess everyone pretends to an extent but if we lose ourselves in the process - that is when it becomes hurtful.

It sounds to me, again only guessing, that you have very low self esteem and because of this either don't know how to get close to anyone else, or react badly when someone says something that may be closer to the truth than you thought. Was this what happened with your last therapist? No doubt some therapists can be poorly trained but it must have been bad to react so violently....why did you react in such a way? Why not just leave? It would be interesting to ponder.....i think. Violence is never the answer.

You say the best people in your life are the people that are not intimidated....of what your intelligence, your violence? Why do you think they are intimidated? Is there anything you can do to change this? Maybe one of these people you can talk to about feeling this way - prehaps they can point you in the right direction.

Hope this is of some help.
I think people apologise on here because a lot of us are just offering ideas not solutions. Your posts do seem abrupt at times but i realise that this is because you are going through a lot right now and i know you are a nice guy really This is a support forum - i hope this post is supportive.

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Bluesguy said:
My theapist said, "If I were the girl, I'm not sure I"d be inclined to be in a relationship with you." Anyway, his whole demeanor was condescending the entire time, and then that, so I punched him in the face

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I know I shouldn't react this way but I laughed when I read this. It's horrible but all I could think was "good for you." I apologize to therapists everywhere for thinking that but really, who hasn't wanted to punch a therapist in the face?

So that amusement aside, I do hope you'll give therapy another chance (though I'd recommend finding a new T). Therapists can have personality issues too and it sounds like your most recent one suffered from being an %#@&#!.

Also, you said you think being in a relationship would help solve your problems. In my experience, this is NEVER true. Other people can't fix you. You have to get your own house in order as nobody else is going to clean it for you (sorry, I desperately need to clean my house so I'm drawn to the metaphor).

Cyran0

I hate life. I'm drunk as can be, and I just don't want to do this anymore. Where am I? Who am I? How did I screw up my life so badly?

My friend, SLEEP! I know you don't want to do this anymore, who would? You're probably in a hotel, hang the do not disturb sign, you really need to sleep. You're a good man who needs some help. You aren't the first and won't be the last.

Your life isn't screwed up as badly as you think. How many times have I scraped myself off the floor? Lost count long ago. I'm still here though and damn it I'm gonna do it again. Oh, it's gonna work. AHHHH! They can't stop me, I can't even stop myself! Just a joke (but really, I won't stop) .

Blues, this isn't it. I struggle to relate to the people around me too. I think every doctor I've seen is an idiot too. They've thrown out diagnoses all over the board. I realize now though that I've never really been honest with them. It's true you can't trust em all though but damn it I'll find the one I can trust. You can too.

Sleep it off brother. Then go get some Aleve, a Redbull, and a nasty fast food combo meal riddled with fat (trust me, it helps). Then call someone when you are feeling better (you can, trust me, I've lain in hotels and crushed myself for days, courage is our defining charecteristic, I know you have it).

I realize my response is coming about 18 hours later but I'm guessing you may have jumped back into the bottle again. I speak from experience and you aren't experiencing anything new to the human condition. You are obviously very intelligent. A greater intellect turned on itself can only be that much more devestating. Trust us though, you will survive this and have that much more to offer for it.

Stay strong brother and keep us posted. You CAN do this and gain that much more strength to help others for having done it.

Let me get this straight: you went across state lines to get help somewhere reputable and ended up punching a smug therapist and then LEFT without permission and THEN got rip smashing drunk??? HMmmmmmm...I don't see any logic here. You need to take yourself back and ask for a different dr and stay for a bit...you need to not drink, when feeling low, it makes it worse...no amount will take the pain or hurt away. Your anger is deifnately a problem, isn't it??? How much does it control you??? Cause you surely do not have control over it...You don't want apologies, so I am trying to respect that. I am not trying to make you feel bad or call you out on the carpet...but I am pointing out all the things I see that you need to take IMMEDIATE attention to...please. take care of yourself as if you were _______(a family member or friend that you respect). melanie

So... something I've learned. If you think you're as low as you can go, maybe you're standing in a ditch. But, you could fall over and be lying there instead. Now I'm flat on my back.

And yes Mrs. Moggles, I've been avoiding suggestions of anger management attendance for the better half of my life. That's not the real issue though.

The real issue is I'm as far down as ever, and I'm never coming back up. I'm hopeless, heartbroken, tortured, plagued with terrible memories, traumatized, burnt out, rejected, spurned by the common person, and just ready for it to all stop... as if that's ever going to happen.

bluesguy... we havent given up on you...

I"m dsrunk., and lostr.... and she wouldn'tlk abporove of this... God damnit. I hate life.. Few mores sips and mayibe it'slk over.

you're ok bluesguy... hang in there... keep coming and talking to us...

i do that a lot. it helps me escape for a while